Simon Says

techgrrl@pobox.com

Detective Henri Brown knocked on Simon's door. Nothing happened. He tried to peek inside, but the blinds were closed. Impatient, he knocked again. When still nothing happened, he turned to his left.

Rhonda finished typing a sentence, then looked up at him expectantly.

"Rhonda, have you seen Simon? I was supposed to meet with him now." Henri held up a thick folder and gestured to the closed office door.

"He should be in there," she said, sounding confused. She pressed a button on the small intercom box on her desk. "Captain? Detective Brown is waiting for you. Should I send him in?"

But only silence greeted them from the other side.

Rhonda frowned and pushed a blond hair out of her face. "This is really weird," she said, sounding concerned. She picked up the intercom unit and flipped it over. She took out one of the batteries and hit the "test" button on the side, checking if the power had run out.

"That's okay," said Henri cheerfully. "I'll just put this on his desk, and we can discuss it when he comes back." He opened the door and went into the darkened office.

Rhonda stared at the dead battery in horror. "No, wait, Henri! Give me the files. I'll make sure he reads them--"

But it was too late. Brown's voice floated through the half-open door: "Hey, Captain, I just--" A pause. "Captain?" The files fell to the floor with a slap. "Simon!" Henri's head poked out of the doorway. "Somebody call an ambulance!"

Rafe hurried over to the scene. "Rhonda! What's going on?"

The administrative assistant (and don't you dare call her a secretary) appeared to be rifling through her desk. "D," she mumbled, "Double-A... Triple-A... Where the hell are the C batteries when you need 'em?"

Rafe shook his head, baffled, and ran in to join his parter.

Simon Banks was slumped face-down across his desk. "H, what happened?"

The shorter man stood frozen, staring at the captain's unbreathing, glassy-eyed form.

Tentatively, Rafe reached forward and shook Simon's shoulder. The large man didn't respond, but fell back to the desktop heavily.

"Oh, no," said Rafe. His hands were shaking. "Where's that ambulance?" he shouted out into the bullpen.

"Hey, what's that?" said Henri, pointing to a long narrow cut on the captain's forearm. Strangely, there was no blood.

Rafe carefully touched the arm. To his surprise, a small door popped open, revealing a tiny panel of buttons surrounded by flashing lights.

"Whoa," said Brown.

"Ugh," said Rafe.

"Touch one of the buttons," said Brown.

"No way," said Rafe. "You found him."

"You found the door."

"You do it."

"Nuh-uh. You do it."

Eventually, Brown screwed up his courage and hit the uppermost left button.

Simon sat bolt upright, looking angry. "Ellison! Sandburg! My office, NOW!"

The shout made both men wince. "They're not here, sir," said Rafe quietly.

But Simon was just sitting there, unresponsive. He wasn't even blinking.

"Creepy," said Rafe.

"Cool!" said Brown. He hit another button.

"No," said Simon earnestly. "It's too dangerous." After a pause, he continued. "Well, all right," he said reluctantly.

"What does that one do?" said Rafe, pointing to one on the far right.

Henri, who was by now the semi-official button-pusher, pushed the button.

Simon chewed his cigar angrily.

"Ahem," said a small voice at the door.

"Now Rhonda," Rafe began slyly. "Do you have something to tell us?"

Sandburg and Ellison strode into the bullpen. Blair was speaking loudly, punctuating his speech with enthusiastic gestures. "I'm telling you Jim," he said, "I don't care what you've heard. Grad students take classes as well as teach them--"

But Jim ignored him and walked straight to Banks' office. "Captain!" he yelled through the glass door. "I need to talk with you!"

Rhonda, Henri, and Rafe looked at one another in terror.

"Uh, Detective Ellison, this isn't the best time--"

"Sorry, Rhonda. This can't wait." And Jim went into the office.

"Shit!" hissed the secre--administrative assistant.

"Think fast!" whispered Henri, who had moved over to his desk. He ripped the batteries out of his Walkman (TM) and tossed them to Rafe, who handed them to Rhonda. She hastily shoved them into the "intercom."

En masse, the three of them breathed a sigh of relief.

Sensing something was wrong, Sandburg looked up from Jim's desk. "Hey guys," he greeted. "What's going on?"

"Nothing!" they answered in simultaneous denial.

Rafe, Henri, and Rhonda all listened to the discussion through the speakerphone.

"You mean," said Henri, "that headset isn't for answering the phone?"

"No way. It's for remote surveillance." She unplugged the headset's cord from the "intercom" and the men heard Ellison's voice through the small speaker.

"Here," said Rhonda with a giggle. "Watch this!" She hit a button and turned the speaker around so the men could hear it more clearly.

"...so I think that we've been following the wrong suspect all along," said Jim.

Simon stood up and came around the desk to stand in front of Ellison. "Obviously something's bothering you, Jim," said the captain.

"Well, er, no, not really. And I know we're good friends, but isn't it kind of unprofessional for you to ask such personal questions about an employee?"

"You and Sandburg have got to work this thing out for yourselves. But if you need to talk to someone, I'm here."

"Hmm, well, thanks Simon," Jim said thoughtfully. "Now that you mention it..."

Rafe, Henri, and Rhonda snorted and snickered, biting back laughter as Jim's voice came through the speakerphone, detailing his rotten childhood, his fears of deep water and intimacy, his love for Sandburg, his exasperation with Sandburg, and his hatred of pineapple. "...so what are you saying, Simon? That I should try harder to hang on to the gun? You know, that's not a bad idea..."

"Oh, cool!" said Henri. "What's this one do?" He pressed a yellow button that said "hospital" next to it.

"Wait! Don't!"

Jim shook his head exasperatedly. "And not to mention the things his mother says--"

"Come on, Jim," said Simon, taking the detective's arm. "You should eat something."

"What?" said Jim.

"No, you've been here all night, and you need eat something!"

"What?? I just got here!"

"Your partner's going to need you, and you can't be any help to him in this state."

"Simon, what are you talking about? I'm fine!"

"That's an order!"

"And what did you mean about my partner--my partner? Sandburg? Oh, God--"

Jim burst out of the office, casting worried glances around the bullpen. "Chief, are you all right?"

"Uh, never better," said Blair, surprised at the sudden concern. "But what on earth is the matter with them?" Jim followed his partner's gaze and saw Rhonda, Rafe, and Brown huddled together, red-faced and choking back howls of laughter.

The staff of Major Crime stood in a crowded half-circle around Rhonda's desk. "...it's not all the time. Just when the job gets a little too boring, Simon likes to take a vacation. See the Jags. Go fishing. Visit Carolyn--she has one of these droids on order, too. It says, 'Jim, I-I-I--I'm glad you're okay.' Stuff like that."

Jim's mouth hung open as Rhonda finshed explaining. "And you knew about this all along?"

"You should know by now," she said curtly. "I run everything in this office."