hi. im not to sure about telling someone i dont even know my problems, but im going to try anyways....ok well lately ive been having major thoughts of suicide. i go to a doctor once a week and now they are putting me on medication but the doctor doesnt really help me. ive been in the hospital for slitting my wrists before and as much as i dont want to go back i still get so close to doing it again. but if i continue to cut myself i may actually hurt myself even worse and i really dont think i want to end my life its more like the joy of watching myself bleed. the doctors say im a manic depressant and thats why i should be on meds but i really dont want to be drugged up all the time. i dont know im suppose to do. i mean im not happy now but if i do what the doctors are telling me to do i wont be happy then either. please help me. -confused&clueless

Confused&Clueless,
When people are diagnosed with manic depression it is normal for them to be prescribed medication. The belief is that there is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the medication will balance it. You said that you go to a doctor once a week, this is actually a good thing. Their job is to study these things. Also, you said "i really don't think I want to end my life its more like the joy of watching myself bleed." One thing, they turn to scars (believe me, I have a ton of them), and will become painful down the road. Mine hurt now and I'm still young. I'll admit it....I went through this a little. I stuck a needle in my forearm to the bone for the pain. It was a way to escape reality. The stuff that really brought me down went away and the only thing in the world was that needle, was my arm. With a little mental conditioning and the help of friends I got over it. This can cause infections, tetanus, you can even poison your blood. Try talking to the doctors about other alternatives (maybe a program where you are monitored for a period of time). Its Their job to listen, understand, help. If the doctor you have doesn't help, you can request a new one. If you don't want to go back, if you want this to stop, it will take your own will power to take control of the situation and help your self, either through stopping and confiding in people (such as myself) or allowing the doctors to help. Please keep me informed about your condition. I truly want to see you well.