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| JUNK. EVERYBODY FIGHTS. Starring - Kaori Shimamura - Kishimoto Yuji - Osam Ebara - Miwa. Director - Atsushi Muroga 1999. After a daring daylight jewellery heist, the quartet of thieves head off to a prearranged location to dispose of their ill gotten gains to the local Mr. Big. Well not so big but sporting a wondrously beautiful head of hair so who cares. Anyway, jewels, blah, money, blah, gun, blah no intention of paying blah blah blah. Heard it all before? Yes thought so, but there is a twist here…hungry Zombies. Is there any other kind? Well you don’t see them in swimming galas do you, or toss the dwarf competitions. No you don’t and maybe it’s about time someone changed all that. You can probably tell already by my tone that I don’t appreciate wasting this much time of my life on this utter crap, but hey rough and the smooth I keep telling myself. Yes our unlucky felons have only gone and arranged a meeting at a secret army compound. Specialising in reanimating the dead! What are the chances of that happening eh? Our hapless felons are going to be taught a very hard lesson. For all you rookies out their take heed and you will be fine if ever a zombie attacks. After all these guys follow there own rules and look what happens to them. Oh bugger, I have gone and spoilt the movie for you now, shame. Anyway if you do perchance spot a zombie down the club noshing on your best mate then, first check it isn’t the neighbourhood whore by throwing some local currency at her feet. (Important keep your distance). If indeed it is a zombie then run like the wind in the opposite direction. Screaming ‘Zombie’ at the top of your lungs. That’s about the size of it. I know Zombies can run these days (28 days later) but I still ain’t seen one climb a tree, or fly a kite so just think about it for a few minutes. Eventually you too will discover a great escape from a trundling flesh muncher. If we can rustle up enough unique escape methods then we could publish a National Health Service pamphlet. ‘Zombies and how to beat them’. Anyway die hard Fucli fanatics will love this film simply for the high gore content, but for anyone else looking for a cheap scare then look elsewhere. This movie is about as scary as a two-week-old puppy dog. The story is dire, the acting is average and the overuse of Wella™ hair products is criminal. A ginger zombie for fucks sake. Who thought that up? To be honest I don’t care and neither should you, do yourself a favour and avoid this movie. 1*star. |
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