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| UZUMAKI (VORTEX). Starring - Eriko hatsune - Fhi Fan - Hinako Saeki - Ren Osugi - Keiko Takahashi. Director - Higuchinsky. 2000. Uzumaki tells a tale of a town cursed by… a fucking spiral shape! That’s about the size of it. No seriously that is the plot, a spiral is terrorising the townsfolk of this backwater town, and each of its residents is undergoing their own spiral terrors. Even Sherlock Holmes would have a job unravelling this little mystery and I don’t mean the plot either. The biggest mystery on show here is why on earth Junji Itos’manga was ever translated to celluloid in the first place. I read this pile of trash a few years back when it was serialised by Viz comics and just couldn’t understand where it was going. The same can be said for the cinematic release. It doesn’t actually ever go anywhere, nothing is resolved and nothing ever explained. However one of the characters does stumble onto something but rather than get the chance to explain the dastardly spiral, he himself becomes victim to the spiral curse. Now what the fuck for? Just when I thought this movie may redeem itself with a tale of mythological snakes and curses from centuries past they kill off the only real plot outlet. Well thank you very fucking much for that! I have read numerous glowing reviews on this movie from some highly credible sources, citing not only the films spiral transformation but also the quality cast? Yes I too saw the way Higuchinsky tried to make the whole film feel like a spiral but this effect to me just left me mystified as to why he bothered in the first place. I also read somewhere about the subtle use of CGI and what an important role it played. Bullshit! The CGI was second rate, it is not terrible but it didn’t help pull this movie along any faster. The cast whilst being credible enough are a bit too wooden for my liking with more than one occasion feeling autoqueued, and their development was even less. On only one occasion do we actually get an insight into the characters and you find yourself thinking ‘get the fuck on with it’ instead of ahhh isn’t she sweet! I actually felt cheated by this, I was never given any opportunity to actually familiarise myself with the characters. Which ultimately left me with a couldn't give a shit attitude to what happened to them. A bit like the whole experience really. In closing I would like to say thank you to Mr. Higuchinsky. Thank you, for the piercingly annoying Hammond organ that springs into life sporadically. Thank you, for the quick cuts and quirky spiral type camera angles. Thank you, for the sluggish pace the film crawls along at. Thank you, for the acting skills of the Osmond’s on acid and most of all thank you, for wasting my time with this trash. To Mr Higuchinsky and everyone involved in the production of Uzumaki FUCKYOU very much! 0 stars. |
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