Hutch paced up and down the gleaming hospital floors. He'd been steered to the lounge to wait for news on his partner. It was impossible to sit and open a magazine like the few others slumped in theirs chairs. So he was in the hallway, walking the length of it, trying hard to quell his fear.

Waiting for the ambulance back at the apartment had played out like a slow motion nightmare. Minutes dragged like hours as he'd watched Starsky sink into unconsciousness. Watched the pain grab his body, wring it and then let go. His eyes would fly open with these waves, but they were glassy and unseeing before they rolled to the back of his head again.

Hutch tried in vain to keep his friend awake, calling his name  frantically, putting shaking hands on the cold, wan face. But by the time the paramedics poured through the doorway Starsky was still and quiet on the couch, only a soft groan escaping him when they lifted him onto their gurney.

Dobey was striding quickly towards Hutch down the hallway.

"What happened?"

"He was fine for a while, then...he got sick real fast. I don't know what's going on, Cap. They took him from the ambulance right up the operating room. Said it looked like internal bleeding but I haven't heard anything since."

Hutch leaned against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut.

"How long has he been in there now?"

"I called you right away.. not that long. Not even an hour."

"Why wasn't he back here to begin with?"

"Because I couldn't make him!" Hutch pushed angrily off the wall. "I tried to convince him...but he wanted to ride it out. He wouldn't budge."

The anger dropped out. "I should have dragged him here, I know that now."

"Well, you tried. It's nobody's fault your partner is a mule."

Hutch shook his head. "I'm doing everything wrong lately."

"Well, you haven't been a treat to be around, but you didn't hit him with that car." Dobey paused. "I know about his mother, he told me when he asked for the week off....his troubles don't all stem back to you, Hutch. Don't flatter yourself." A thin smile.

Hutch considered this. "No...but....I couldn't see he was already unsteady... and I just reached and yanked the rug out from under him."

Dobey sighed. "Come on, you can buy me a coffee. It might be a long wait."

"I don't want to leave in case they come with something about him."

"There's a vending machine back around the corner. We won't be going anywhere."

It was another two hours before a doctor in green scrubs and a plastic cap still on his head made introductions and sat them down to talk to them.

"Well, I think we can say your friend is a very lucky man, considering the fact that he left here earlier. There was a massive bleed from his spleen. There wasn't any time to try and salvage it, we took it right out. He won't miss it - you can live a normal life without your spleen. His liver was also bleeding, but barely, that's good news. He's on a blood clotter and it should do the trick. We'll keep a close eye on him."

"What happens if it doesn't work?" Hutch asked.

"Then we'd probably have to re-operate."

"Again?" Hutch was alarmed.

"We wouldn't have any other choice, Mr. Hutchinson. But I don't think that's a bridge we'll have to cross, the liver repairs itself very quickly."

"So," Dobey asked "he's going to be alright then?"

"He came through the operation fine. He's doing well. It's wait and see with his liver for a little while but I'd be surprised if that causes any more trouble. If everything goes well, I think it's safe to say he'll be home in four or five days."

Hutch closed his eyes in a silent thank you.

The doctor rose. Hutch and Dobey followed suit and they shook hands.

"Some of the O.R. nurses remembered David from his stay here two years ago. They called him 'death-defying'."

"This time," Dobey replied with a frown, "you could just call him dumb."

"When can we see him?" Hutch asked.

"He's in an Observation Room on the fifth floor. They won't let you  visit with him for very long. They're guard dogs and they will bite if you argue."

The large Observation Room held four beds, each holding a quiet form under white blankets. A nurse looked up from her small station in the middle of the room and smiled as Hutch and Dobey crossed over to Starsky's bed by the window.

"Did you check with the desk outside first?"

"Yeah," Dobey answered as Hutch continued to the beside. "We're here to see Detective Starsky. They said ten minutes."

"Right. He was awake a few minutes ago. But he's still very groggy."

And she went back to her charts.

Hutch stood at the bedside and peered searchingly at his partner.  There were IV's again and tubes, wires and machines . He tentatviley touched the fingers curling out from the bandaged hand.

"He hates all this." Hutch said quietly to his captain standing beside him.

Starsky's eyelids fluttered then opened.

"Starsk?"

The dark head turned slightly towards his voice.

"Hey there."

"Starsky," the eyes went to Dobey, "how are you, son? Glad to have you back."

They watched his right arm move and before they realized what he was doing Starsky was grabbing for the oxygen tube under his nose.

"No, partner." Hutch gently pushed the arm back down. "You've got to keep that on for a while."

Starsky gazed back at him.

"Do you remember what happened?"

A slight shake of the head.

"Your spleen started bleeding. They had to operate and take it out. The doctor said everything went fine. You won't be in here for long, Starsk."

"That's right," Dobey put in, smiling, "you're pretty tough."

Starsky opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out and he closed his eyes once more. Hutch and Dobey waited a few minutes.

"I guess we should go." Dobey whispered.

"Not yet."

"Okay, Hutch, I'll wait outside."

Hutch watched his friend for a little longer when the nurse told him it was time to go. He reluctantly started to leave when Starsky's eyes flew open, panic written in them.

"Hey, what's wrong? You're alright."

"Mmm..." Starsky stopped and, concentrating, tried again. "m.m..mother."

"I haven't called her. Do you want me to?"

He slowly shook his head a few times and when he stopped was sound asleep.
 

Chapter 6

Starsky spent five more days in the hospital. His liver did heal itself and there was no more threat of another operation. He called his mother from a phone brought to his room every night and was compelled to tell her little white lies when asked about his day.

Hutch went up to see him every evening after work. He'd sit by the bedside or walk in the hall with him but he knew things still weren't right. The uncomfortable pauses in conversation and awkward attempts at starting them up again. The easy company they'd always had together had changed. Starsky was restrained and unsettled during these visits.  Whenever Hutch tried to
cross the chasm with pitiful sounding words of remorse Starsky would stiffen and shut him down quickly. So Hutch didn't push, he just kept faith his friend would come back to him in his own time.

When they entered Starsky's apartment Hutch dropped the small overnight bag onto the couch while Starsky gingerly walked to over to a kitchen chair and lowered himself  into it.

"Well, you're back." Hutch said, hoping to sound cheerful. "Want something to eat? I got you some fresh groceries, or do you want to crash for a while?"

"I don't know. Probably just crash."

"Okay, I'll read or turn the tube on low."

"No, Hutch. No, you can go."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you can go. I'm fine. Thanks but no thanks."

Hutch sat down at the table across from him.

"Here we go again. You're not fine."

"That was different."

"Starsk, how about I stay just tonight? People don't bounce out of hospitals. Have a sleep and I'll make you some dinner later."

"Aw, Hutch." Starsky put his elbows on the table and covered his face. After a long moment he dropped his hands back down and looked sadly at the blond man.

"I don't want you to stay." He said quietly, difficultly. "You saved my life and I still can't be around you."

Hutch sat speechless.

Starsky took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What you did wasn't the end of the world, Hutch. I know that...but it hurt."

"I know."

"It still hurts when you're around."

Hutch stared back like a scared child, waiting.

"I can't switch on and off for you, I can't help it."

"Starsky, I just want to make up for everything..."

"My mom's dying." Starsky's voice broke. "It's tearing my heart out and you want a piece of it. There's nothing to give you, Hutch, not right now."

They both sat there in a terrible silence until Starsky spoke up again.

"When I got hit by that car all I could think about was whether I'd see my Mom for her birthday. It scared the shit out of me. She's all I can think about - not you, not me."

"I understand that."

"No, you don't. The pain between you and me....it's gotta get in line. There's this other one center stage and I can't take two of them right now...I can't." His eyes were bright with tears.

"Okay," Hutch whispered in a frightened voice "....are we going to be okay, Starsky?"

He waited, his heart beating quick and painfully.

The azure eyes lifted again to his, and through the infinite sadness in them, Hutch saw the hope.

"I think we will be. I want us to. When I can."
 

The End
 
 
 

Epilogue

They stood under the gray New York sky, fall leaves swirling around their feet, breezes picking up their hair. Except for them, the graveyard was empty and quiet.

"It's beautiful, Starsk."

Starsky nodded slowly. "It was always her favourite song. I grew up listening to her sing that..ironing or cooking or something."

He smiled sadly. "Now I find myself singing it."

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