The last thing that I wanted to do was leave Starsky alone even if it was only for a couple of days.
But the damn trial had been moved to San Diego and without my testimony most likely this "piece of trash" would probably walk out of the court room a free man.
Starsky and I had worked very hard nailing this particular "Piece of Trash". My partner had halfway convinced me that I should go to San Diego and testify.
I knew that he would be all right for a couple of days without me but I didn't want to leave him to anyone else even Huggy who had offered to stay with Starsk.
He was still terribly weak and at times his medications would make him sick.
And even thought Starsk didn't complain he was still in a lot of pain.
I needed to be there for him.
Just this very morning was an example of something I could not have predicted.
My partner wanted to get better so bad.........he was tired of hurting.........the constant nagging pain was dragging him down.
I'd watch him. At times he couldn't find a comfortable position even on the couch.
Physical therapy was still a long way off.
He wanted to go back to work.
"Hutch, I want to be your partner again". He lowered his eyes and looked down at the floor.
"Dammit Hutch, I'm not too good at lots of things but the one thing that I do best at is being your partner."
"I want that back."
"Ya know what I mean?"
"Yes, I do partner, yes I do,"
He reminded me of a "Little Lost Boy". It about broke my heart to see him this way.
'"I'm really trying, Hutch, I really am."
He looked so sad.
And, God, I knew he was trying but his body was still telling him otherwise.
..........................Man, I should have seen it coming..............
He was so mad, so frustrated...........he picked up the telephone book off the coffee table and before I could stop him threw it across the room as hard as he could.
It went crashing to the floor.
.............So did Starsky.
His legs gave out on him and he curled up on the floor wrapping his arms around his middle. The pain in his chest, ribs and stomach must have been considerable.
He was having trouble catching his breath and he was turning pale before my eyes.
I hurried over to him and helped him into a sitting position and let him lean back against me.
"Hey, Starsk, hey, try to take it easy, you gonna be ok?"
He wouldn't look up at me.
"Oh shit, oh shit" was all he said between clenched teeth.
I sat on the floor with him and waited for him to make eye contact with me.......
"Well, I said to him softly, that make you feel any better, partner?"
"Shit no!" he said.
All of a sudden the fight seemed to drain out of him and he sort of melted against my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around him.
"Aw, Starsk, I wish that I could make all this right for you, make it all go away.....but I can't".
"We just have to work through this together and we will."
I could tell he was trying to hold back the tears but he was hurting and he said, "Hutch I just want it all to stop".
I pulled him closer to me, he was hurting from pain and frustration right now.
He began to cry. He cried so hard.
"God, I hated this."
Starsky is such a good person...........he doesn't deserve this...........I ran my hand over his back rubbing it back and forth the way I knew it would comfort him and I just let him cry.
He clung to me and when he finally looked up at me I could see all the fears and doubts reflected in my partner's very tired blue eyes.
My heart broke for him. For "Me and Thee".
And he said, "Hutch will you just hold me, make me believe it will be ok again?"
I felt that as long as I held him like this he would know that nothing would ever hurt him again and hopefully his pain would seem less as long as I was here with him.
Oh, God, I thought to myself how the hell can I leave you like this........so scared....so vulnerable.
I held him close against me and when his trembling hands sought out mine I knew that I couldn't go to San Diego regardless of the circumstances.
The BCPD would just have to do without me.
For too long our jobs had dictated the priorities in our lives. No more. Never again.
The price is too high.
Starsky needed me to be here for him. Even though Huggy would have been more than happy to stay with my partner, I just could not go.
For my one and only priority is this injured man clinging to me needing me to be his hope, his strength and his comfort.............and we will survive this........
And it will be like always just Starsky and me.
The End