(Note: The timeline is post Sweet Revenge)
What my partner lives with on a daily basis most people wouldn't want to try.
After what Gunther's hit men did to him.............bullets tearing his body to pieces...chest and stomach, shredding his insides, back muscles ripped apart by more bullets. Ribs broken by the violent impact of the bullets piercing his body.....
They say it's a miracle he lived.
A miracle that I thank God for each and every day.
MORNING
Come on Buddy, time to get up. He's stiff and sore just from sleeping
that he has to want to get out of bed. Everything hurts him. But Starsky
bring Starsky he ignores it the best he can. Like I told Captain Dobey
once shortly after Starsky returned
to active duty he's like THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD.
He tries so damn hard.
I get up alo9t earlier than he does, sometimes to go for a run and always in time to make us breakfast. I let him sleep as long as I can without making us late for work.
After Gunther he quit setting his alarm knowing that I wouldn't let him over sleep.
I wake him up......stand by the door until I know he won't go back to sleep as soon as I disappear around the corner. Gone are the days when he'd practically leap out of bed and into the shower, his stitched up, wired back together battered body won't allow much of that if al all anymore....probably never will again.
God, how we used to play-wrestle with each other, now I'm almost afraid to anymore..
Oh, we still do but I'm a lot more careful these days.
What I can do and will always do is be there to leand a hand to help when he needs it just to get out of bed in the morning.
We don't talk about it much, a lot of whats between us doesn't need to be said.
We just deal with whatever it is together.....Me and Thee.
He'd do no less for me if the situation were reversed.
Neither one of us would let the other go through this alone.
AT WORK
After Starsk came back to active duty I was scared to death that someone
or something might hurt him again. I was beyond over-protective of him
I was just plain paranoid.
We talked about it, knew we could not work this way on the streets. One of the hardest things that I had to learn to do was totally trust in our ability to survive on the street again...And as he so eloquently told me one day.........Hutch! I already got one Mommy! Two I don't need." And then he added on our way out to the Tomato That he didn't mind a parttime one.
Good thing. I didn't intend to stop entirely anyway.
I knew that Starsky would have left the force if for a minute he thought that he could not back me up the way he used too.
He'd back me up with his last breath and I trust no one else with my life the way I STILL trust him....He's still that good a cop. But, My God! at times the gut-wrenching fear of losing the one person in your life thats most important to you frightens me beyond words.
But here we are back in the thick of things. It's what Starsky fought for so hard after Gunther's guns nearly ended his life.......so.....if thats what my friend wants I'll do my damdest to make sure that neither one of us regrets OUR CHOICE.
Personally he knows that if he had decided to quit, we'd have done it together and there wouldn't have been any regrets.
And even now, if on down the line Starsky wants out we'll leave together.
ON THE STREETS
When we're on the streets I know that Starsky has limitations now at
times.
He hasn't the endurance or strength he used to...Gunther took that away from him and no amount of physical therapy can ever give that back to him.
He tires much faster because of it, but what he lacks in physical strength he more than makes up for in courage and tenacity.......that's my partner and I'm proud of him.
To our brother cops and to our boss, Captain Dobey, Starsky is pretty much back to the old Starsky......understandably I'm the only one he lets his guard down with, these are SCARS THAT ONLY I SEE.
But I know when his body says "load limit reached", that's enough. He does his best to ignore it. These are the times I have to just say. "This is if for us today Buddy, we're out of here".
We're pretty much said "no thanks" to most offers of overtime unless it's essential to a case we're working on.
Doesn't bother me one bit, too many times we were running on empty anyway.
Besides.......got to have something left for the ladies although Starsky still feels self-conscious because of the scars and "railroad tracks" on his chest, abdomen and back.
He doesn't know how the ladies feel about that....he's still working on it......though I have told him those scars and "railroad tracks" are beautiful to me.......constant reminders that he's still here with me.
And there are times when I see my friend lost in his thoughts.
Hey, Starsk? Everything okay? I'll ask.
Yea, he sighs and shrugs his shoulders.....looks over at me with a little smile through very tired blue eyes............
Sometimes it scares me, Hutch, when the pain still gets so intense and I'm so exhausted I don't know whether I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other....but then I look over at you and you're right here with me.
Hutch, I don't think I could do this everyday without your support and love...........
Hell, Blondie, I know that I couldn't.
LET'S GO HOME
I know after I put in a 12 to 14 hour a day work week I'm ready to
put the job aside.
Starsky.....Well, he's exhausted most of the time at the end of the week.
The way I know he's really worn down.....pushed his body beyond its limits.....
He'll toss me the keys to the Tomato, climb in the passenger seat of the car, sink down into the cushions and close his eyes and slowly rub his chest.
Hey, Buddy, wake up, you in there somewhere? We're home.
He'll slowly start to get out of the car and I know his chest, back and stomach are already stiffening up and aching him. He just plain hurts all over.
He gratefully takes the hand I offer him helping him out of the car.
These are the times I hate James Marshall Gunther the most, and yes I still wish at times like these that I had killed the bastard when I had had the chance.
He's made my friend suffer so much and Starsky doesn't deserve that.
He doesn't deny me my little indulgences........like helping him out of his jacket, holster and gun. He knows its something he has to let me do.
Besides, I do remember him telling me that I could play "Mommy" as long as it wasn't on duty.
Starsky flops down on the couch(TV remote in hand) and drifts off to sleep until suppers ready. That 45 minutes to an hour nap helps him to snap back a little faster.
Sometimes if he can just rest for a little while he won't need to take any pills for pain. When he was discharged from the hospital his doctor gave him codiene for when the pain is bad.
He won't take the pills with him to work because he won't take them while on duty.
If he hurts bad enough he'll take aspirin to take the edge off, but nothing stronger.
I hate to see him hurt but I know where he's coming from.....you have to remain alert on the streets or bad things can happen.
But still, when he hurts, I hurt. Wish I would take some of that hurt for him....I love him that much but I know I can't so I just make sure he knows I'm there for him with a hug and a shoulder to lean on.
Sometimes even something as simple as a chair, making sure he can sit down for a while when he needs to get off his feet.
No one else is allowed to share his pain but me.
I'm the only one that he permits into his private world of pain and suffering that he must live with.
He knows that as long as I live and breath he'll never want for anything.
Hey, Hutch? Would ya rub my back some, damn chest hurts too.
Sure Buddy, sure, anytime.
A THANK YOU from HUTCH
Well, he ffinally did it.....talked me into it. Used those puppy dog
eyes on me and we bought a house together.
Hell, after the nightmare with Gunther we spent almost all of our time on and off duty together anyway.
Starsky needed someone full-time to stay with him for many months after he got out of the hospital and that someone was going to be me.
It's what he needed and what he wanted and what I needed and what I wanted to do.
I've never trusted Starsk to anyone else.
I guess thats when we both realized we could put up each other off duty as well. Besides, who else could put up with two cops with the crazy schedules we keep.
Must admit, it works for us. We both know just when to give each other the space we need. We found that balance many years ago.
He's my partner, my best friend and I love him.
Yea, so, I'm very protective of him. He knows that as long as I live he'll never have to deal with this "mess" alone. I'll always be there......wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm just grateful he's alive and with me.
Starsky is alive and we're together and I feel blessed each and everyday.
I really believe the Lord understands that I need Starsky with me more than He does.
Like Starsky has said: "If we are lucky....we'll go out in a blaze of glory...aka....
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."
In our case no survivors would be better than one of us left without the other.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my partner.
Thank you, Lord for a friend and a friendship that few people will ever have.
Where loving, caring and sharing have no set limits and whatever is needed is freely and lovingly given.
Thanks again Lord for blessing us......Each with the Other........"Me and Thee"
Thanks,
Hutch.
"IN THE GIVING IS THE RECEIVING"
quote from...........PMG
End of Story