Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved
Martian
Hayseed
Graham the Talking Dog 
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY - VISIBILITY UNLIMITED
EXT. GOLDEN BUFFALO RANCH - PADDOCK AREA
INT. BULL BUFFALO PEN - GENERAL CUSTER
Doc, Skip, Julie and Robin are looking at the most famous of
all the Bull Buffalo's.
DOC
(rapping on the pen bar)
Julie, have you ever seen a buffalo as beautiful as General
(raising his voice)
Julie .....Julie ......
ROBIN
So how much do they want for the General?
JULIE
(DISCOURAGED)
More than I can afford!
The General turns around and faces them with his rear end.
SKIP
(upset)
Holy Moly, don't anybody light a match!
ROBIN
This is almost as bad as being with my brother
Melvin, just a lot more volume!
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLDEN BUFFALO RANCH - PADDOCK AREA
Doc, Skip, Julie and Robin are seen running out of the Bull
house at a very high speed. They run into the owner,
SLIM DICKENS. He's a weathered man in his early sixties and
is chewing tobacco, wearing cowboy boots, jeans and a straw
hat, has a nice smile and is soft spoken.
SLIM
(spitting his tobacco)
Julie, I'm sorry, I forgot to warn you about the General, he's
had gas problems lately. He broke out a couple of days
ago and I think he ate some loco weed.
JULIE
Hi Slim, hey don't worry about the General's gas
attack. My father would have run a close second,
to the General. Slim, your ranch hand let us in the
Bull House. I want you to meet Skip and Doc
and of course you already know Robin.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Hi Slim, the General reminds me of my brother Melvin!
What the hell do they eat that makes them so foul?
DOC
(smiling at Robin)
Pizza, hard boiled eggs and lot's of beer!
ROBIN
Honey, if you're going to be my husband, I hope
you have the decency to go outside.
SLIM
You young folk's get so all fired involved with
things that are just as natural as breathing air.
ROBIN
Most men are swine's, when it comes to those
natural things.
Skip feels something brushing across his rear
end and he wheels around to see a young
buffalo rubbing his nose against his rear end.
SKIP
(upset)
Holy Shit, does he bite?
ROBIN
Skip, he's a baby, they're just naturally friendly,
he wont hurt you!
SLIM
(hugging the young buffalo) Folks, this is Wooden Nickel, one of my young bulls.
He wont hurt anybody, he's just like a big old dog!
ROBIN
(smiling)
He's really taken a liking to Skip. Go on and pet
him Skip, he won't hurt you!
DOC
(smiling at Robin)
He sure is cute.
SLIM
You young folk's should get out in the country
more so you can see how friendly nature really is.
ROBIN
Slim, do you still have that old three legged badger
living under your bunk house?
SKIP
(upset)
Holy Shit, a live Badger?
ROBIN
I saw a badger get a hold of a dog and it was
not a pretty sight!
SLIM
(spitting his tobacco)
Hell Robin, old BUD LIGHT has only a few
teeth left and he don't bother no one. This
is his retirement home. He saved my life once.
I was riding my horse one evening and like
an old durn fool I fell asleep and fell off.
Well sir, I was knocked out and when I woke,
I had a large Diamond Back about two feet
away waiting to strike and old BUD LIGHT
came out of nowhere and killed the snake.
Of course BUD got bit and I had to cut off
his rear leg, so I've taken care of him ever since.
JULIE
(misty eyed)
Slim, that's the most beautiful story I've
ever heard. A beat. But why do you call
him BUD LIGHT.
ROBIN
(smiling)
He probably drinks beer!
DOC
(smiling at Robin)
And Pizza and hard boiled eggs!
SKIP
(smiling at Julie)
Now there's a Badger after my own heart!
ROBIN
Honey, old BUD LIGHT better stay
away from me or I'll cut him up
real good
SLIM
Well sir, I nursed old Bud back to health
on a baby bottle full of Bud Light beer,
and in about a month's time he was up
and around. Of course his hunting days
were over so he's pretty well set on his
diet of Hard Boiled Eggs and Pizza. A beat.
Just kidding, he likes fresh chicken and
live snails.
Skip feels something brushing across his rear
end again and he pets the young buffalo.
SKIP
(smiling)
Nice Wooden Nickel.
SLIM
(hugging the young buffalo)
Folks, you came just in time for supper,
and I want you to be my guests, and I
won't take no for an answer.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Fine with me, I'm starving.
DOC/SKIP JULIE
(smiling) (LAUGHING)
Me too! I could eat a buffalo.
SLIM
You young folk's follow me over to the ranch
house and let's get some grub!
ROBIN
Slim, I sure would like to see old Bud Light,
when do you feed him?
SLIM
(Spitting his tobacco)
One hour after sunset.
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - THUNDER RIVER
Skip and Doc have gotten up early, before anyone else and
are sitting on the edge of the riverbank holding their
fishing poles. Gray has found himself a large warm rock
and he's taking a nap.
DOC
(tapping his toe on a rock)
You know cousin it can't get no better than this.
(dropping an M&M in
his mouth)
Hello .....hello ......I think I'm getting a bite!
SKIP
The only bite your going to get is a mosquito bite.
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
Skip your always in such a bad mood,
why can't you be happy all the time like me?
SKIP
Simple people are happy all the time, thinking
people are always pissed off, and don't ask me why!
DOC
(drooling and popping
another M&M)
Something is pulling on my rod.
Gray wakes up in a start and sees a very large
bear walking along the rivers edge and heading
for Skip and Doc.
GRAY
(Shouting)
Skip ....don't look know but you have a
visitor headed towards you and Doc!
SKIP
(startled)
Holy Shit a fucking bear!
DOC
(looking at Skip)
Come back to me slowly and we'll toss
him one of my sandwiches and when
he starts to eat it well slowly move away.
Skip gets up slowly and grabs his fishing rod and walks back to Doc.
DOC
(smiling)
When the bear gets about twenty feet
from us I'll toss him the sandwich.
SKIP
(startled)
Ah, ....I've never seen a bear before, what
if he doesn't like the sandwich, will he eat us!
DOC
(grinning)
Start grinning, and stay grinning.
The bear stops and puts his nose up in the
air and starts to sniff. He takes a better look
at Skip and Doc and stands up on it's hind
legs, it starts to bare its very large teeth.
DOC
Keep grinning Skip I'll toss him the sandwich.
Doc tosses the sandwich to the bear and it starts
to sniff it and picks it up with it's teeth and
shakes the sandwich wrapper until it falls out.
DOC
(smiling and grinning)
Go ahead big guy, eat the sandwich.
Skip reaches over and grabs Doc's arm
and starts pulling.
DOC
Ok, Ok, ...lets go.
Skip and Doc start to move down the rivers edge
keeping their eyes on the bear eating the sandwich.
After getting down river about a hundred yards
they sit on the soft sand. Gray has followed them
and is now hiding behind a tree.
SKIP
(upset)
You dummy, why did we have
to grin?
DOC
(laughing)
My scout master always told us to out grin a bear.
You just show them you have teeth too!
SKIP
(Laughing)
Scout Master, when was that last week!
Doc looks up stream and sees the bear starting
to come down to them again.
DOC
(laughing)
Well don't look now but smoky
the bear is headed for us again.
SKIP
How many sandwiches do you have
left?
DOC
(drooling)
That was the only one I had, so I guess
we'll just have to scare him off.
Doc walks towards the oncoming bear and
starts yelling and throwing rocks at it. The
Bear starts to run towards Doc and he runs
back to Skip yelling.
DOC
(yelling)
Run Skip run!
SKIP
(yelling)
Holy shit he's charging us!
DOC
(still yelling)
Jump in the river!
SKIP
I can't swim!
DOC
(making a face)
Grab that small log and you can float
out on the river.
Skip grabs the log and runs out and
jumps in the river, Doc follows him
and both are seen floating down the
river.
DOC
(yelling)
Ok, just hang on.
SKIP
(yelling)
HOLY SHIT THE BEAR IS GOING IN
THE RIVER TOO!
The large bear is now seen swimming down the
river heading for Skip. Doc sees this and yells
at the bear, the bear then starts to follow Doc
down the river, they are seen turning the bend
in the river. Skip paddles to the shore and gets
up on the bank! Gray comes running down the
edge of of the river bank.
SKIP
(crying and talking to himself)
Oh my god, Doc's gone.
Skip looks up and sees Julie and Robin
running down the bank to him.
ROBIN
(yelling)
Where's Doc?
SKIP
The bear got him Robin, the last time I saw
them they were floating down the river.
There was nothing I could do.
ROBIN
Skip what did the bear look like?
SKIP
He was big and brown and had a big yellow
X marked on his back side.
ROBIN
(laughing)
That's old tomahawk, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
SKIP
(looking at Robin)
Old Tomahawk, you know him?
ROBIN
Hey, he hasn't any teeth left, he just wanted
a handout. he loves sandwiches.
SKIP
No shit!
ROBIN
He wont hurt Doc, lets go down river and
see if we can find them.
SKIP
(serious)
Ok, we'll try it.
Skip, Julie, Robin and Gray start down the rivers edge trying
to find Doc and in the distance they see Doc sitting on
the bank petting the bear. Doc sees them approaching and
waves at them. They're now within fifty feet of Doc
and the Bear.
DOC
(scratching the Bear
behind his ear)
Julie, Robin Skip come over and meet my friend.
Julie and Robin are laughing and shaking their heads.
JULIE
Doc, your a sight for sore eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - EVENING
INT. THUNDER VALLEY - JULIE'S RANCH HOME
Skip, Julie, Doc and Robin are having dinner.
Gray is looking out the bay window at a
coyote who is looking through the garbage can.
GRAY
(Talking to himself)
I'm in such bad shape even the scroungy
Coyotes are starting to look good.
SKIP
Julie, the bear is still in the back yard waiting
for another handout.
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, he's old and ugly, but Robin
said he's never hurt anyone, he's
just always hungry.
ROBIN
(smiling)
He must be twenty years old. Do you all know
why he has that yellow X on his behind?
DOC
(looking at Skip)
X marks the spot?
SKIP
He can't sign his name so he sits on the paper.
JULIE
(laughing)
Oh come on, Robin is serious.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, last summer the bears kept breaking
into the snack bar down at Donners Ferry
and the last bear they caught in there was
marked with a yellow X. Old Tomahawk!
If they catch him in there again he will be,
put to sleep.
DOC JULIE SKIP
Put to put to put to
sleep? sleep? sleep?
JULIE
Why, what did he do?
ROBIN
Tomahawk and his friends attacked the snack
bar early this summer and ate all the Mayo!
Don't ask me why bears like Mayo, they just do.
SKIP
Julie, the bear is still in the back yard
waiting for food.
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, I know, but I'm telling you right
now they're not going to put him to sleep
as long as I'm alive.
ROBIN
(smiling)
You will either have to cage him or feed him,
or he will go back to the snack bar!
DOC
(looking at Skip)
I'll volunteer to feed him every morning,
do we have any volunteers for lunch,
and dinner?
SKIP
I'll feed him at lunch.
JULIE
(laughing)
Ok, I'll feed him dinner.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, when this bear tells all the other bears
about the three square meals, you'll have
more than one bear to feed. They can get
pretty nasty and mean and they do smell.
DOC
What does he eat?
JULIE
For dinner?
ROBIN
Like I said, Tomahawk and his friends
like Mayo, but he needs a balanced diet,
so vegetables and fresh fruit would be
good.
SKIP
Julie, the bear could be shot by a hunter,
right Robin?
JULIE
(SMILING)
Not on my property, this is a job for my
new ranch hands, make a nice home
for Tomahawk, guys!
ROBIN
(smiling)
They prefer caves, or large dog houses,
or use your imagination.
DOC
(looking at Skip)
How about a tool shed?
SKIP
(disgusted)
What about a condo?
JULIE
(laughing)
Oh come on, Robin is serious.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, to save energy why don't you guys
just blast a cave out of the side of that
rocky outcropping down by the barn?
I can get you all the dynamite you need.
Do any of you guys know how to handle
explosives?
JULIE
You were in the Marines, right Skip?
SKIP
Julie, I was one of the best riggers in the
Marines. "Piece of cake". Can you get
me a TNT satchel?
ROBIN
I can only get Dynamite.
DOC
(looking at Skip)
Skip can do it with dynamite,
right Skip?
SKIP
You bet your sweet ass I can!
JULIE
Ok, I'll feed him dinner.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, this bear just like all wild bears will
charge you when he smells food. So we
have to distract him, while some one goes
around the back door and places the food.
DOC
What do we feed him tonight until we
get his diet set-up.
JULIE
For dinner, we can give him lettuce and carrots,
with maybe a little Mayo to give it taste.?
ROBIN
Tomahawk will finally calm down when he
knows he will get three squares a day.
SKIP
(looking through window)
Julie, the bear is going through the garbage cans,
but it doesn't look like he's found anything.
JULIE
Ok, Robin and I will prepare
his dinner, you guys set up
a plan to distract him.
CUT TO:
EXT. JULIE'S RANCH HOME REAR OF HOME
Skip is seen in the moonlight quietly going out the
back door with a bag of goodies. Julie, Robin and Doc
have opened one of the front windows and are playing
the pop tune Waterfalls, by the group TLC. The bear
stands up and starts to dance to the tune.
JULIE
(laughing)
Yeah, he's old and ugly, but
does he know how to dance!
ROBIN
(smiling)
Doc that was a slick idea to get his attention
with the music.
DOC
(looking at Bear)
In Littlerock I had a pig that would dance when I
played my records, so I heard bears are related
to pigs, so!
SKIP
(returning)
Ok, the food is out there.
(looking out the window)
Holy shit the bear is dancing, Doc you were right!
JULIE
Ok, turn off the music and lets take the CD player
to the rear of the house.
They disconnect the player and run to the rear of the
house where they plug it in and start the music again.
The bear hears the music is now coming from the rear
of the house and he runs to the sound of music. He
stops outside the window where the music is now
originating and starts dancing again. They all look
out the window.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Boy does he like TLC!
JULIE
Ok, turn off the music and see what he does.
ROBIN
Tomahawk you old SOB, he's waiting for more music,
he doesn't even care about the food. No, wait there
he goes now he's going through the goodie bag.
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, I think Tomahawk has found a home!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - MORNING
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - JULIE'S RANCH HOME - PASTURE
Skip and Doc are drilling a hole in the rocky outcropping
next to the barn. They are unaware Tomahawk is watching
them from the barn through a small window.
SKIP
(holding the hydraulic drill)
Ok Doc, we need to go in the rock about ten feet,
so we'll have a very long shaft about three inches
in diameter. We'll then place the explosives along
the shaft and "bam" we have a very nice cave
for Tomahawk.
DOC
(looking at Skip)
How many sticks of dynamite are you going to
put in the hole?
SKIP
Well we have to kind of use a little English to
get a cave, say four feet in diameter and ten
feet long. I would say two sticks should do it.
DOC
What if it's not enough?
SKIP
(disgusted)
Then we do it again!
DOC
I wonder where he went. I looked for him
and he's gone.
SKIP
(looking around)
The bear probably went over his
girlfriends house.
DOC
Yeah right!
SKIP
Why, don't you think bears fall in love?
Skip is seen very carefully cutting a very small slice in
the side of a stick of dynamite and placing a explosive
cap in it. He does the same thing with the second stick
of then places a long fuse in both of the explosives and
places loose dirt in the hole to pack in the explosives.
JULIE (O.S.)
(Yelling)
Ok, you guys, come and get your
grub!
INT. JULIE'S RANCH HOME - KITCHEN
Julie and Robin have made hot cakes, bacon and eggs and
have a large pitcher of fresh orange juice.
DOC
(looking at the food)
In Littlerock my mom used to make a breakfast
like this every morning, I sure do miss it.
SKIP
(laughing)
Yeah we know, I guess that's why you put on
a few extra pounds, right Doc?.
(looking at Doc's stomach)
Ok Doc, pass me the hash browns and the orange juice.
JULIE
Ok, you guys there's more than enough for everybody.
By the way, have you seen Tomahawk this morning?
ROBIN
(laughing)
He's probably down at the river begging
sandwiches from fishermen.
JULIE
Ok, I'll go get the pot of coffee.
Julie is removing the pot from the coffee maker when she looks
out the window and sees Tomahawk.
JULIE (Cont.)
Tomahawk you old SOB, he's out there where you
guys are blasting his cave, I guess he's approving
of the location. But he seems to be eating something.
ROBIN
I thought you guys didn't see him?
Doc and Skip look at each other with a questioning look
on their faces.
ROBIN (cont.)
What's he eating?
DOC
The only thing we left out there was the dynamite.
ROBIN/JULIE
(In shock)
The dynamite!!!!!
DOC
(soft spoken)
No, bears don't eat dynamite.
ROBIN
(yelling)
This bear eats anything!
DOC
One of us has to go check and see
if that's what he's eating.
ROBIN
(shaking her head)
Don't look at me.
DOC
I can't run fast enough, Skip you'll have
to go check!
ROBIN
That makes sense. You know Julie and
I cant run worth a shit!
DOC
I'll distract him in the front of the house
with his favorite music.
CUT TO:
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - JULIE'S RANCH HOME - FRONT YARD
Doc has started playing Tomahawk's favorite song "Waterfall"
and he's watching through a small window.
SKIP (O.S.)
(yelling from the back of the house)
Ok Doc, let me know when he starts dancing!
CLOSE ON TOMAHAWK.
The bear hears the music and turns his head towards the
front of the house and then starts to run in the direction
of the music. When Skip sees him disappear around the
house, he runs over to the rocky outcropping to check
the dynamite.
SKIP
(Talking to himself)
Holy shit, he ate everything!
The two sticks of Dynamite, the caps and the fuse!
ROBIN
(Yelling from the back door of the house)
Well! What was he eating?
SKIP
(running to the place where
Robin is standing)
The bear ate everything!
ROBIN
He ate the explosives?
SKIP
Explosives, caps and fuse!
Skip is seen going in the back door.
SKIP (Cont.)
(Yelling to Doc)
Ok, you can turn off the music Doc, I'm in!
CUT TO:
INT. JULIE'S RANCH HOME - KITCHEN LATE EVENING
Julie, Doc and Skip are sitting around the table waiting
for Robin to get off the phone..
DOC
(looking at Robin)
What did you find out?
SKIP
(laughing)
Yeah how soon does he blow up?
JULIE
Ok, come on Skip, he's like a member of the family.
ROBIN
(concerned)
I called my brother Melvin who's a game
warden over in Sheridan and he was not
concerned when I told him the bear ate
the explosives.
JULIE
He wasn't?
ROBIN
No really, Melvin said if the caps were electric,
then any jolt or radio transmission could set
him off. But because it requires a match to
start the fuse, it's not a problem, unless he's
trailing fuse and someone lights it.
Doc and Skip look at each other with a questioning look
on their faces.
JULIE
Trailing fuse?
ROBIN
(smiling)
Melvin said bears have a very high metabolism
and by early tomorrow morning he will start
expelling, and it could be fuse first.
DOC
How do we get ourselves into these
things?
ROBIN
(shaking her head)
Melvin said we can give Tomahawk a
large dosage of Valium and while
he's asleep we can give him an .....
enema.
DOC
Don't look at me.
ROBIN
Nor me.
SKIP
I did the last deed, and don't look at me on this one.
CUT TO:
INT. JULIE'S RANCH HOME - KITCHEN
THE NEXT MORNING
Julie, Doc and Skip are sitting around the
table waiting for Robin to finish making
the bears meal.
DOC
(looking at Robin)
So what's the plan princess?
SKIP
(laughing)
I didn't hear an explosion last night.
JULIE
Ok, come on Skip, he's going to be fine.
ROBIN
(concerned)
Early this morning I placed a ham sandwich
with at lot of Mayo and Valium in it. He
should be out like A light.
JULIE
Robin, your not going to give him an enema are you?
ROBIN
Not really, I just want to keep him sedated so
we don't have to follow him all over creation
to retrieve the explosives.
JULIE
Good Idea Ollie!
ROBIN
(smiling)
Melvin said bears have a very high metabolism, so by late
today Tomahawk should be empty.
DOC
Where did you find him?
ROBIN
(shaking her head)
Tomahawk was sleeping in the barn on some
straw. He was snoring so loud the walls were
vibrating.
DOC
How long as it been since you gave him
the Valium?
ROBIN
About two hours.
SKIP
Is it safe to go and check him?
ROBIN
I don't see why not.
JULIE
I'll go with you Skip!
ROBIN
(smiling)
No hanky panky in the barn you two,
you might upset the bear.
DOC
Why don't we all go?
ROBIN
(shaking her head)
Tomahawk is sleeping so soundly,
he'll probably be out all day.
CUT TO:
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - JULIE'S RANCH HOME -
BACK YARD
Doc, Skip, Julie and Robin are looking through the small
window and are shocked to see two bears sleeping in the
straw..
DOC
You were right skip, he does have a girl friend,
and there she is!
CLOSE ON TOMAHAWK.
The bear licks the other bear in the nose and goes back to sleep.
SKIP
(smiling)
Holy shit, she's as fat as he is.
Why don't we just call her dynamite.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, what did I tell you. Once the word got
around there was grub here, now we'll have
every bear in the valley here.
JULIE
(concerned)
I bought a buffalo ranch and ended
up with a bear half-way house.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - SUNSET
EXT. HOG MESA - OBSERVATION POINT
Doc and Robin are sitting in their Jeep Wrangler admiring
the sunset.
ROBIN
The visibility must be hundreds of miles.
DOC
I'm going to buy us some acreage so we can
start our own ranch.
ROBIN
(SMILING)
Will I be half owner?
DOC
(soft spoken)
As my wife it'll be half yours.
ROBIN
(hugging and kissing Doc)
I've never owned anything in my whole life.
DOC
I'm ready to be your husband and ready to
take responsibility of running a ranch. Will
you help me?
ROBIN
(looking at Doc)
You can count on it Doc. Doc, have you ever
noticed how Skip is always looking at Julie's
ass.
DOC
Skip told me he was in love with Julie's ass.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Now it makes sense. You know Julie likes Skip
a lot and she's a real fine woman, she'd make
him a good wife.
DOC
(startled)
I'll tell him!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - EVENING
INT. THUNDER VALLEY - JULIE'S RANCH HOME
Skip, Julie, Doc and Robin are having supper.
SKIP
Julie, Skip and I have done a lot of talking and we
want to buy shares of your ranch. Would you
consider that?
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, it's pretty big, I believe there's more
than enough room for partners.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Sounds great to me, when do I move in?
DOC
(looking at Skip)
Isn't there something, your forgetting back home?
SKIP
I've already taken care of that.
JULIE
(Smiling)
Well, this house has seven bedrooms, so I get
the master and you guys can work out the
occupancy of the other rooms.
ROBIN
(laughing)
Well, We really only need two bedrooms right
big guy? One for us and one for Skip.
Robin is looking out the bay window and she starts to laugh.
ROBIN (Cont.)
Now, I've seen everything. Skip , lookie here.
Graham has a girlfriend.
SKIP
(Looking out window)
Damn, he's with that mangy coyote again, I told
him to stay away from her! He'll probably
pickup some disease, or something!
Skip and Julie are sitting on the bench of the bay window, looking
at the moon.
JULIE
You know Skip, women are from Venus and Men
are from Mars.
SKIP
You know, I'm glad you brought it up because
I was going to tell you about that!
Background music starts to play. Ballad called "I can love
you like that" by the group All For One.
CAMERA STARTS TO PULL AWAY FROM THE GROUP
THEN AWAY FROM THE RANCH HOUSE THEN FROM
THE BUTTE MONTANA LANDSCAPE THEN FROM
OUTER SPACE, WITH THE BALLAD STILL PLAYING.
FADE OUT
THE END
Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved