"What is it about me that turns nice girls into hooligans?"
The undisputed sex symbol of Nouvion, successful cafe owner, hero of the Resistance under the moniker "Nighthawk," collaborator, unfaithful husband and his own twin brother.
Rene's supreme virtue lies in his complete dedication to his
own self-interest. Only Helga is as ruthlesslessly
self-seeking. It is in the name of this self-interest that,
despite being a charmingly honest coward
Yvette: When you die I will be at your side
Rene: If you stood in front of me I would 'ave a better chance
Rene finds himself regarded as the bravest man in all France.
With Michelle and Denise threatening to have him shot as a collaborator
if he does not help their Resistance groups - and Michelle, still more
terrifyingly, threatening to burst into tears - what choice does a
poor cafe owner have?
Rene has, as Mimi points out, a quality that is irresitable - everyone from his barmaids to Lt. Gruber falls for him, and even Captain Geering cannot help but notice his beautiful legs. This only increases his danger, as not only does he risk his wife Edith finding out about his various romantic entanglements, but most of his amours have guns...
At one point Rene is "executed" by a very repentent Lt. Gruber, and
solves the problem by coming back as his own identical twin brother,
also conveniently called Rene.
"We were so alike there did not seem to be any point giving us different names."
However, this means that Edith inherits Cafe Rene, meaning that Rene is tied
to her if he wishes to keep his livelihood. Life is hard for a
cafe owner who only wants to make some money out of the war.
This is David Croft's background on Rene, quoted in Gorden Kaye and Hilary Bonner's Rene and Me
Rene was born a year or two or three or four before the turn of the century in Nancy. The Artois were a small family mostly of boys and girls, the male side being known as the Nancy Boys.
He has been married to Edith for twenty-one years. He is a firm believer in pre- and post-marital sex - as long as it was not with his wife.
Rene is a reluctant, part-time, local, unpaid, acting member of the Resistance and a part-time collaborator. At the end of hostilities he may well be in line for head-shaving, but, taking into account the rate at which his hair is tumbling on to the bedroom carpet, nature may well deprive the vengeful mob of that pleasure."
Lt. Gruber: Your wife has a very, er, interesting voice. Was it trained?
Rene: Yes, but it escaped and returned to the wild.
Edith Artois is a far more courageous woman than her husband. In fact, she is a spirited patriot who comes up with more than her share of daring plans, much to her husband's undisguised horror. She is disgusted by Rene's cowardice, and he is often the victim of her abrasive tongue. Still, she has a distinct romantic streak, a weakness which Rene both dreads and exploits.
Edith suffers under the unfortunate delusion that she is a talented caberet artist, and her hideously off-key massacres of classic songs are a running joke in the series. Even of her lovers, only Captain Bertorelli has the face to claim he likes her singing.
Edith is the butt of the cruellest and most misogynist jokes in 'Allo 'Allo, often being abused for her stupidity after catching Rene in some indiscretion. However, since she was "widowed" she has her share of suitors, most noticably Mssr. Alphonse the undertaker and part-time Resistance hero, and Captain Bertorelli, Rene's Italian rival for the title of Don Juan.
Again, this is David Croft:
Rene's wife Edith was born before the turn of the century on a date which has been smudged from her birth certificate. Suffice it to say that the document is distinctly yellowed at the edges, so it can be assumed that Edith is well past her "best before" date.
Edith married Rene in a fit of pique when she discovered him looking through the keyhole of her bedroom door. Rene thought it was the bedroom door of one of the waitresses, but he could hardly advance that as an excuse.
Rene's mistress, the longest-serving barmaid/prostitute at Cafe Rene. A raven-haired young woman with a sexy, gravelly voice, Yvette is probably Rene's true love (if he is capable of the emotion.) Like all of Rene's would-be amours, she seems to have an unstoppable sex-drive, although she unaccountably prefers being hugged to anything else.
Yvette is a (relatively) brave and enthusiastic member of the Resitance. She is also an active fraternizer, bedding Germans for paraffin, perfume, silk stockings, or anything else on offer - she is an adept wielder of the flying helmet, egg whisk, wet celery and cuckoo clock. Yvette is blessed with a complete lack of sexual morals, but cherishes the hope that Rene will one day give up his cafe and marry her.
A bubbly, dimunitive brunette, who tends to spit into people's faces when she pronouces her r's. Maria is one of the original barmaids and another of Rene's lovers/fiances. Although, in fact, he tends to insist she stands on a stool before embracing him. Also, like Yvette, she "entertains" the Germans in return for luxuries and money.
Maria spends a good deal of her time disguised as a small boy, albeit in suspenders and lipstick, so she is at least partially responsible for the suspicions Lt. Gruber bears Rene. She is probably the sweetest and most sincere of the cast, despite her career. Maria is also a gutsy Resistance worker, surviving being captured by the General with a knockwurst, strapped to her bosom, which she was conveying to Lt. Gruber.
Maria [opening her coat to display the knockwurst]: I was bringin 'im *zis*!
General: There's nothing straightforward about you at all, is there, Lieutenant?
Maria failed to escape from the British POW camp, accidentally mailing herself to Switzerland instead. At least she survived the war, even if she lost Rene in the process.
Maria's replacement was even tinier, but was really a Resistance plant. Mimi, who is certainly no fraternizer, in fact has to be restrained from trying to knock off Germans in the cafe. She combines the duties of barmaid with those of Rene's bodyguard.
Mimi's doll-like appearance disguises a vicious and blood-thirsty warrior. She is intelligent, sarcastic and courageous. She also fell quickly and hard for Rene (of course),
Mimi: You have a quality zat is irresistable. From the moment I first saw you I longed to run my hands through your 'air.
but he is put off by her ferociousness and her rather direct pursuit of him.