Blackadder:
The Cavalier Years
Narrator: In 1648, King Charles was
in flight from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads. Only two men
remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
One was the sole descendent of a great historical English dynasty -- his
name, Sir Edmund Blackadder. The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate
meeting between a pig-farmer & bearded lady. History has, quite rightly,
forgotten his name.
[Blackadder Hall; November 1648]
Edmund: [coming
into the hall (same set as Blackadder's quarters in BA3)] Baldrick!
Baldrick: [cutting
heads off fish] Yes, sir?
Edmund: [throws
his hat down; rubs his hands together] Get me some
mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.
Baldrick: How's
the King, sir?
Edmund: Erm,
about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter
in a blackcurrant bush.
Baldrick: [dropping
spices into an ale goblet] Do you think the Roundheads
will find him? [gives ale goblet to Edmund]
Edmund: Certainly
not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox being chased
by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises. [drinks]
Baldrick: [challengingly]
Is that true?
Edmund: Yes,
of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the King?
Baldrick: Yes.
[Edmund quickly puts down his ale, grabs Baldrick from across the table,
picks up a knife and holds it to him.]
Baldrick: No.
Edmund: Exactly.
He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
Baldrick: You
can trust me, sir.
Edmund: [laughs;
lets go; puts down knife] Right, Baldrick; I'm off
to answer the call of nature. [heads for stairs] If,
by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in
the next ninety seconds, remember: [points at Baldrick from the
top of the stairs; speaks insistently] The King is
not hiding here.
Baldrick: Yes,
sir. [goes back to chopping fish heads; begins to sing] "Greensleeves
is--"
[Oliver Cromwell drops in. He is accompanied by a Roundhead.]
Cromwell: Good
evening, citizen! I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,
and I am looking for royalist scum. [draws his sword; points it
at Baldrick] Is the King hiding here?
Baldrick: Erm...
[thinks ... thinks ... thinks ...] No.
Cromwell: [points
sword up to Baldrick's throat] On pain of death and
damnation, are you absolutely sure?
Baldrick: Yes,
I am.
Cromwell: I
see. [sheaths sword] Well then, my proud beauty
[puts his hand behind Baldrick's head], you won't
mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
Roundhead: [shouts out the door] Men! Come in from the cold, will you!
Cromwell: [picks
up a purple cup and the milk jug] Now; we shall all
have a cup of milk by your fireside.
Baldrick: All
right, but don't touch the purple cup.
Cromwell: Why
not?
Baldrick: That's
the King's.
[Two Weeks Later. The Tower of London.]
[King Charles is praying at the foot of the bed. The door opens, and
he stands and turns as Cromwell and a guard enter.]
Cromwell: [to
guard] Thank you, citizen. You may leave me alone
with King Charles.
[The guard bows and exits.]
King: Ah, Mr Cromwell!
How delightful to see you again. [shakes Cromwell's hand] Um,
(don't get up?). Tell me: Er, have you come far?
Cromwell: I
have, sir! from country squire to Lord Protector of England!
King: Fascinating!
Absolutely fascinating. Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly does a Lord Protector
do, as it were?
Cromwell: He
spells your doom, sir!
King: He spells
my doom? Wonderful! Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many
people these days can't spell at all! er, particularly, as you know, in
the inner cities, which is my area of interest.
Cromwell: Pretty
speech, sir! But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold!
[A cowled priest has entered]
King: [to
Cromwell] Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on...
Cromwell: A
priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die!
[exits]
King: [to
priest] Ah, hello!
Edmund: [for
the priest is he] Your Majesty, I can arrange for
certain monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.
King: Blackadder!
You're dressed as a priest! How dangerous and stupid and perverted! It's
just like school!
Edmund: Sire,
this is a matter of life and death.
King: Nonsense,
Blackadder -- I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring
in a verdict of `guilty' against >me<.
[There's a knock on the door, and the guard returns, delivering a piece
of paper to Edmund.]
Guard: Your Majesty -- the verdict of the jury. [exits]
King: So,
what does it say? Er, `Guilty', or `Not Guilty'?
Edmund: [looks
at it] I'll give you two guesses.
King: Er,
`Not Guilty'?
Edmund: One
more guess.
[Blackadder Hall. Baldrick is holding a fish in his right hand, and
whacking at its head with a wooden rod. He then puts the rod down and inserts
a knife down the fish's `neck'. Edmund enters.]
Edmund: Oh, damn
-- one measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I'm on the
wrong bloody side!
Baldrick: Something
wrong, sir?
Edmund: Yes,
Baldrick, yes, there is. Don't you realise that, if the King dies, we royalists
are doomed? We will enter a hideous age of puritanism -- they'll close
all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal; and I won't
be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne. If they
so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll
be for the chop.
Baldrick: Ooh,
I love chops...
Edmund: Baldrick,
your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In
what way?
Edmund: It
doesn't exist. Oh god, what are we going to do?
Baldrick: Don't
despair, sir -- something will pop up.
Edmund: Not
under puritanism, it won't. We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders
are as doomed as that ant.
Baldrick: What
ant?
Edmund: [picks
up a meat tenderiser, bangs it against the table, then holds up the tenderiser
for Baldrick to see] That one.
[January 30th. The day of the Execution of King Charles the First.]
[The Tower of London. King Charles sits on the bed.]
King: So this
is the day of the execution of Charles the First...
Edmund: [tossing
an orange from the fruit basket to himself] Absolutely
not, Your Majesty! Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that
they will never straddle.
King: How
fascinating! Erm, what is that, exactly?
Edmund: They
will never find a man to behead you. They'd have hundreds of volunteers
to cut Cromwell's head off -- he's such an ugly devil. He's got so many
warts on his face that it's only when he sneezes that you find out which
one is his nose. But they will never find a man to execute you.
King: [stands]
Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic! You
know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this.
Oh, I don't know ... all they need is the initiative, somehow. I suppose,
in a sense, that's what my (?) Scheme is all about.
Edmund: Really...
King: Yes.
On the other hand, of course, I don't >want< my head cut off... Er,
it's a question of balance, isn't it? like with so many things.
Edmund: Shut
up -- with the greatest respect -- Your Majesty.
King: Thank
you.
Edmund: They
will never find an executioner, and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick
turn into a tennis racket.
[There is a knock on the door. Edmund puts the cowl over his head as
the guard enters with a message, giving it to Edmund.]
Guard: A message for the King. [leaves]
Edmund: [reads
the message] Ah...
[He drops his orange; it bounces back up as though hit by a tennis
racket. He looks a bit confused, and casts his eyes downward.]
[Blackadder Hall. Baldrick is singing while chopping heads off fish.]
Baldrick: "There's
a tavern in the town -- IN THE TOWN!"
Edmund: For
God's sake, stop that, Baldrick! It's bad enough having one's life in utter
ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value
of tap-dancing oyster.
Baldrick: I'm
sorry, sir -- I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall.
Edmund: Baldrick,
I've told you before: If you're going to do that, go into the garden.
Baldrick: No
-- I mean I've come into some money.
Edmund: Really...
Family inheritance?
Baldrick: No.
I ate that ages ago.
Edmund: Oh
yes, of course; your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
Baldrick: No,
it was fifty pounds, actually -- it was delicious. But this is just a little
something that fell in my lap.
Edmund: Not
the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.
Baldrick: No...
But this one is a job.
Edmund: Really...
[paying more attention to the message delivered in the previous scene]
I just don't understand it. Where on Earth did they
find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to
accept the job of beheading the King of England? [He pauses, looks
into the camera, and turns to Baldrick.] Baldrick...
Baldrick: Yeah?
Edmund: That
little job that fell into your lap...
Baldrick: Yes?
Edmund: It
wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket, a little
black mask, and the King of England...?
Baldrick: Nah...
Edmund: Go
on.
Baldrick: I
couldn't find a basket...
Edmund: You
very small total bastard! [grabs him and picks up the axe from the
table]
Baldrick: Oh,
please, sir! Don't kill me! I have a cunning plan to save the King!
Edmund: Well,
you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy -- your family's record
in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy
O'Leg McNoleg's personal best in the Market Harbour Marathon. All right...
What's the plan? [puts down axe]
[Baldrick picks up a pumpkin, and smiles.]
Edmund: A pumpkin
is going to save the King...
Baldrick: Aah!
[puts down pumpkin] But, over here, I have one that
I prepared earlier. [picks up another pumpkin; one with eyes, nose,
moustache and beard painted on, and with some hair placed on top] I
will balance it on the King's head, like this. [demonstrating] Then,
I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him,
instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin, and the
King survives!
Edmund: I'm
not sure it's going to work, Balders.
Baldrick: Why
not?
Edmund: Because,
once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,
"This is the head of a traitor," at which point, they will shout back,
"No it's not -- it's large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
Baldrick: I
suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.
Edmund: It's
not >one< percent convincing, Baldrick. However, I'm a busy man, and
I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. [he holds his arm
up with his hand clenched] Here is my fist. Kindly
run towards it as fast as you can.
Baldrick: Yes,
sir. [He does so.]
Edmund: I
just don't understand it! What possessed you to take the job?
Baldrick: Oh,
I'm sorry, sir -- it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan. I thought, with
the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and buy a brand-new
king when no-one was looking, and pop him back on the throne without anyone
noticing.
Edmund: Your
head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. You'd do anything for thirty
pieces of silver, wouldn't you...
Baldrick: It
was a thousand pounds, actually, sir -- plus tip! [holds up bag
of money]
Edmund: [takes
bag] Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, hadn't
they! And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke
by someone who actually owns an axe. We don't want you hacking away at
it all afternoon with that cheap pen-knife of yours. It would be so embarrassing
to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning with
his neck flapping like a fish's gills.
Baldrick: Sir,
you don't mean...?
Edmund: Yep
-- >I'm< doing it. Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the
King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.
[points at Baldrick] And make sure you think up a
bloody good excuse.
Baldrick: ...so
that's why he can't be here. Sorry. [leaves]
King: I see.
Well, I quite understand, yes...
[Cromwell and the executioner [Edmund, hooded] enter.]
Cromwell: Sir,
the moment has arrived! Are you ready to meet your maker?
King: Well,
I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life,
but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries...
Cromwell: Well
then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and let's get on
with it. [leaves]
King: Right.
[He buzzes a bit, then slaps his hands together as though squashing a fly.
Meanwhile, Edmund has closed the door behind Cromwell.] Well,
I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today -- I had hoped that my good,
loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but, unfortunately,
his wife's sister's puppy fell into the straw- berry patch, so, naturally,
he can't be with us.
Edmund: [disguising
his voice] Uh huh...
King: All
I can do is bid you do your duty well.
Edmund: Well,
thank you, Your Majesty. And may I say how much I mourn for your lot, and
bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly...
King: Thank
you. I take great solace from that.
Edmund: Sir
Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last. He apparently
tipped his executioner handsomely... [turns up a palm]
King: Oh,
I'm so sorry -- I thought service was included. I beg your pardon.
[reaches in a bag of money] Um, here you are. [places
a coin in Edmund's palm]
Edmund: [looks
at coin] Hmm. And then there was the Earl of Essex...
King: Was
there...
Edmund: A
truly great man -- they still sing his famous ballad down the (Chepstow
Arms?).
King: What
ballad is that?
Edmund: [sings]
"The Earl he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny
no! He gave them all away to the man with the axe...oh!"
King: [looking
at his bag] A thousand sovereigns?
Edmund: Well,
you can't take it with you, Your Majesty...
King: Very
true. Well, there you are. [gives bag to Edmund] Do
keep the change.
Edmund: Thank
you, Your Majesty. [puts coin back into bag] [fake voice slips a
bit] Right; should we go?
King: Just
a moment! [stops Edmund from leaving] That
voice has a strangely familiar ring ... and so does that finger!
[he removes the hood] Blackadder!
Edmund: [acts
surprised] Hello, Your Majesty!
King: You
cunning swine!
Edmund: Er,
yes, well, er, er, er...
King: Marvelous!
Splendid! You duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan to help
me and my infant son escape to France!
Edmund: [as
though he'd forgotten] Ah yes! That's right, yes...
King: So,
let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away!
Edmund: Yes,
let's... Er... Well... You start the ball rolling.
King: No,
no -- after you.
Edmund: Er,
yeah, right, yes... [thinks; remembers something] Er,
oh yes! Yes, right! and it's a very good plan! It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly
good plan!
[Ten Minutes Later]
[Edmund is hooded. Baldrick stands next to him. Cromwell enters.]
Cromwell: Is the
King ready?
Edmund: [fake
voice again] He is. [calls to the back of
the room] Come, Your Majesty!
[King walks forward. He has a hood over his head, and is balancing
a pumpkin with a face drawn on it. Cromwell, King and Edmund leave. Baldrick
listens to the goings on ... ]
[There is a drum roll. It ends with the sound of a chop. The crowd
cheers. Baldrick smiles. The crowd suddenly sounds disappointed. Baldrick
suddenly stops smiling.]
Edmund: [from
outside] This is the head of a traitor!
Crowd: [from outside] No it's not -- it's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic
moustache drawn on it!
Edmund: [from
outside] Oh yes -- so it is! Sorry! I'll try again.
[There is a drum roll. In ends with the sound of a chop. The crowd
cheers.]
[Blackadder Hall. Edmund is cradling a baby boy.]
Baldrick: Well,
sir, they can't say you didn't try. Now the future of the British monarchy
lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince. And,
with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.
Edmund: [wiping
a hand on his shirt] Well, quite.
Baldrick: On
the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist, the Roundheads
will come and cut your head off.
Edmund: [stands]
Exactly, Baldrick!
[There is a pounding on the door.]
Edmund: Oh my
god!
[A voice outside shouts. (Sounds like "Do you want the house burned?")]
Baldrick: Oh no!
We're surrounded! What'll we do?
Edmund: Well,
at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. He
must stand and fight, and die in defence of his [looks at baby]
future sovereign.
[More pounding on the door.]
Edmund: Fortunately,
I'm not a man of honour... [tosses baby to Baldrick; pulls off his
long black hair to reveal short blond hair; removes his moustache and beard,
too]
[a Roundhead breaks in and enters.]
Edmund: [to
Roundhead] Thank God you've come! [points
at Baldrick] Seize the royalist scum!!!
[The Roundhead, sword drawn, approaches Baldrick, who looks hopeless,
dangling the baby from its swaddling clothes.]
Cast (please add onto this any other actors you know -- there is no cast
list)
Sir Edmund Blackadder ROWAN ATKINSON
Baldrick TONY ROBINSON
King Charles I STEPHEN FRY
Oliver Cromwell WARREN CLARKE