Intro: Many are the tales told of the Black Adder and of his faithful henchmen Lord Percy Percy and Baldric son of Robin the Dung-Gatherer, but none is told so oft, with so much hitting of heads with wonder and repeating of exciting parts as this the final chapter in the book of The Black Adder.

[Start Credits Roll]

Narrator: England 1498, St Junipers Day on which the King would lavish new honours upon his kinfolk.

[Scene : The court of Richard IV]

[Harry approaches and prostrates himself in front of his father]

[Edmund approaches and prostrates himself on the step below Richard]

Edmund: Just so my lord.

King: We thank thee Egbert for thy wok in Edinburgh, know now that we do relieve thee of thy heavy task and give the Dukedom to our lord cousin Hastings. [aside] Many Happy Returns Tom. Thus have I discharged the duties of Juniper. Chiswick, fresh horses. We ride at once to rebellious Stoke where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls bare my broad buttocks and shout "Behold. I honour thee most highly"

[Fanfare and cheers]

[Court empties leaving Edmund, Percy and Baldrick]

Baldrick: Yeah, for a moment there I thought you were going to lose the Privvies.

Edmund: [rising from the stairs] No. It will not do.

Percy: No you're right my lord it won't.

Edmund: I must clear away the chaff from my life and let shine forth the true wheat of greatness.

Percy: [looking at Baldrick] Do it at once my lord.

Edmund: Very well. Percy ... you're dismissed from my service.

Percy: [Points at Baldrick] Ha ha ha.... who me why ?

Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would, your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece you might just get by as a fool, but, since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a hair-cut, I doubt it. That is why you're dismissed.

Percy: Oh I see.

Edmund: And as for you Baldrick...

Baldrick: Yes my lord ?

Edmund: You're out too.

Baldrick: Fair enough. 

Narrator: So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory.

[Scene : Edmund on horse led by Baldrick to castle gates]

Baldrick: Nah, shouldn't think so.

Edmund: No?

Baldrick: No. It took me years to get that job, I'll probably be back milking pigs or mucking out the leppers.

Edmund: Really?

Baldrick: Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shovelling dung again.

[Edmund rides away. Baldrick watches wiping a dew drop from his nose]

Caption : 100 yards later
[Edmund nearly runs over an old man]

Old Man: Going on a journey my lord?

Edmund: No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you.

Old Man: You'll be needing someone to tend your horse then?

Edmund: No and even if I did I wouldn't take you. I mean look at you. What is your profession?

[The Old man removes two handkerchiefs from his tunic and proceeds to dance waving them about]

Caption: Thus did Edmund set forth into England ...
[Edmund mounted on black horse galloping across the countryside.]
Caption: ... with his rather irritating old servant.
[The Old Man gallops past at about twice the speed of Edmund, mounted on a donkey]

Caption: And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six other Most Evil Men in the kingdom.
[An English country road through a wood. A lone rider approaches Edmund and the Old Man who sit, waiting, in a clearing. Three black hooded riders ambush the lone rider before he reaches the clearing]
Caption: Sir Wilfred Death.

Ambusher #1: [In an Irish accent] Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at an end. Prepare to be hung by your codlings from that tree.

[He points his sword towards a nearby tree]

[Edmund and the Old Man watch a melee from behind some trees, sounds of a conflict ring out for about six seconds. Pan back to ambush site where Sir Wilfred Death is walking away from the tree where the three riders hang, groaning, upside down, strung by their codlings. Edmund approaches Wilfred.]

Wilfred: Edmund.

[They shake hands.]

Wilfred: How many have you got so far ?

[Edmund holds up one finger. Wilfred replies with the reversed victory sign invented by British archers at Agincourt to signify that they hadn't been taken prisoner by the French, now commonly used as a visual expletive.]

Caption: Three-Fingered Pete.
[Two archers standing at the edge of the woods]

[He indicates to a nearby steed]

Pete: There is our mark. [Indicates an archery target] You shoot first.

[The other bowman nocks an arrow and shoots hitting the target squarely in the center]

[Three-Fingered Pete shoots the other archer dead]

[Edmund and Wilfred have been watching in the distance]

[Edmund and Wilfred approach. In close up Edmund holds three fingers aloft]

Caption: Guy de Glastonbury
[A carriage travels through the countryside, it is stopped by a lone rider, Guy de Glastonbury]

Merchant on carriage: Here take it [He gives Guy a purse] It's all the money I have.

Guy: Thank you.

Merchant: Now let me pass.

Guy: [Aside] Damn ! [To the merchant] I'm always doing this. Did I say "Your money or your life" ?

Merchant: You did.

Guy: Sorry, slip of the tongue, your money and your life.

[Guy shoots the merchant with a single-handed crossbow]

[He walks his horse to the front of the carriage]

[The driver waves as Guy trots away to where Edmund, Wilfred and Pete await him]

Guy: Wilfred.

Wilfred: Now what we need... is a real bastard.

Pete: Sean, the Irish Bastard. 

[A dark street in a town, a merchant walks nervously along it, glancing behind him periodically. A shadowy figure follows him dodging in and out of doorways so as to avoid being seen. The shadowy figure accidentally stabs a house with his dagger. Two blind beggars stand to one side of the street with their begging bowls.]

[The merchant walks past ignoring the beggars. The shadowy figure, Sean, the Irish Bastard scabbards his dagger and approaches the beggars stealthily. Carefully Sean steals the content of the begging bowls and slips back into the shadows]
Caption: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

Cain: Aye, everyones gone to lunch I think.

[Wilfred, Edmund et al. block Seans escape up a stairway]

[The five sit on horses atop a hill, Each member of the group is pictured holding five fingers aloft. Edmund, Guy de Glastonbury, Sean the Irish Bastard, Sir Wilfred Death, finally Three-Fingered Pete holds up three fingers.]

[A forest clearing. A monk, a farmer and a young girl stand with some horses]

Friar: Alas, such is the way of the world. The sweetest rose too often is... [He looks longingly at the girl] ...plucked too soon.

Caption: Friar Bellows.

[Friar Bellows takes another longing look at the girl]

[Yet another lustful look]

[Behind some bushes the Friar and girl are lying with her dress around her waist and the friar between her legs. The five watch with some amusement]

[Sean, the Irish Bastard removes a cork from a bottle {FX of cork popping}]

Friar: I was just ministering extreme unction.

[The rest laugh]

[The six ride across the top of a rise]

Wilfred: Why, need I say more? Jack.

[{FX Deathly chord} The other five look worried]

Wilfred: No.

Pete: Then crazed animal Jack, the cattle rustling canibal from Sutton-Coalfield ?

Wilfred: Ha ha... no.

Sean: Then your mans sane Jack O'Hooligan the man-hating goat-murderer of Dingle Bay.

Wilfred: No.

Friar: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior arch-deacon of the Diosces of St Bothar, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells ?

Wilfred: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.

[{An even deathlier chord} All look even more worried]

Wilfred: Yes, [He point down the hill] and here he comes.

[A giant is walking up the hill towards them]
Caption: Jack Large.
[A dwarf appears from behind the giant hitting at his legs. The giant weathers this for a short while before picking the little fellow up to eye-level]

Wilfred: [Shouting from the hill] Are you with us Jack ?

Jack: [Shouting back to Wilfred] Aye.

[The dwarf butts the giant knocking him cold and both fall to the ground]

[Edmund holds up seven fingers, he is giggling in the manner only he can]

[The six Most Evil Men are pictured around a central picture of Edmund riding. Edmund falls off his horse into the snow]

[The Old Man is sitting with seven horses and his donkey outside a pub.]

[Drunken laughter issues from the pub. Inside the seven are seated around a table covered with empty goblets and spilled wine and food.]

Jack: Large, Jack Large.

Edmund: [amused] Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as "Large Jack".

[Jack spits out his mouthful of beer and looks accusingly at Edmund]

Edmund: [nervously] Well... because you are so little.

Jack: Why not "Little Jack" then?

Edmund: Well, because "Large Jack" is more amusing.

Others: Is it?

Edmund: Very well then "Little Jack".

{All rise weapons pointed at Edmund in a threatening manner}

Edmund: No no no no no, no of course not.... erm... Innkeeper some more beer! Six large beers...

[Cheers from Wilfred and co.] { He looks to Jack who is staring menacingly at him}

[All cheer]

Others: The plan, the plan......

Friar: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered"

{The others rise, weapons drawn and make for the door cheering}

Pete: I thought that was the plan.

Sean: Lets get those meek bastards, now.

[All cheer]

Wilfred: Who wants quiet ? I want chaos!!!

[All cheer again]

[More cheers]

Others: Yeah... huh?

Pete: Mercilessly crushed under-foot.

[Cheers]

All (returning to their seats): Silence, ssshhh, silence.....

Guy: Silence, for the word of the Lord.

Friar: For Christs sake lets hear the plan.

All: The plan, the plan....

Edmund: Very well, the plan is simple.

Wilfred: (still carried away with the camaraderie) I thought it was cunning.

ALL: Down with the plan.

Edmund: Well..... it's cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home...

Wilfred: I say strike now while the iron is hot.

Edmund: But it isn't hot.

Wilfred: Isn't it?

Edmund: No it's just warming up, but, when it is hot, we will strike.

Sean: What ? Are we going to have to wait till summer ?

Edmund: No, no when the iron is hot.

Pete: What iron?

Edmund: Never mind, we are all agreed. I shall send for you all.

Friar: How ?

Edmund: Well... by a message, a sign.

Guy: What sort of sign ?

Edmund: Well, something black probably.

Jack: Black pudding ?

Edmund: Not quite.

Pete: A messenger... with the Black Death perhaps ?

Edmund: Yes, thats better.

Friar: He means to kill us !

{All rise to attack Edmund again}

Wilfred: Ahhhh, a black-headed messenger.

All: Aye.

Edmund: And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with all haste to Jaspers tavern.

Sean: Ah, I know it well. How is old Jasper these days ?

Pete: Dead.

Jack: How?

Friar: I killed him.

[Cheers again]

[More cheers]

Pete: Exile?

Edmund: (Proudly) Yeeesss, exile. For life.

Guy: Why don't we just... kill them ?

Edmund: (upset) Well, I suppose we could kill them.

{All rise and make for the door shouting "Kill them"}

Sean: If I get a messenger with black-heads all over him, I'll kill the ugly bastard.

Wilfred: {with dagger to Edmunds throat} How do we know it isn't a trap ?

Edmund: Because the Black Adder gives you his word.

Wilfred: We want your word not this Black Adder fellows.

Edmund: (hurt) But I am the Black Adder.

Wilfred: Oh I see.

Edmund: And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England.

[Cheers]

[Cheers]

Others: And each man for himself.

{They leave, cheering.}

{A woodland clearing at night, Edmund and the Old Man sit around a camp fire near their steeds. Both are laughing}

Edmund: Yes. No-one can stop me now.

Old Man: No-one ?

Edmund: No no-one.... except perhaps.... no not even him.

Old Man: And who might that be my lord ?

Edmund: Well there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as, "The Hawk". We were deadly childhood rivals, although,of course, in those days he was known as "The Thrush", but no-ones heard of him for years. Well, come on, lets go we've got work to do.

Old Man: (From out of shot) [His voice has deepened and is more booming] Not so fast Edinburgh. This "Hawk" did he look something like this ?

{ The old man transforms into a much larger man}

{Philip of Bergundy removes his false eye-brows}

Philip: Known to my enemies as...

[Fanfare] {He dons a peaked cap with a feather in it}

Edmund: ...but your horse used to be a huge brown....

{Huge Brown horse enters shot}

[Edmund makes to leave. Phillip of Bergundy steps on the toes of one of his shoes]

Edmund: What do you want with me ?

Philip: I'll tell you later

{He hits Edmund on the head with a hammer}

[Manic Laughter]

{ A dungeon. Phillip forces Edmund into the cell}

Edmund: And what have you been up to ?

Philip: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

Edmund: Ah, so you've kept yourself busy.

Philip: Yes, fifteen years of living in France teaches a man to hate. Fifteen years of wearing perfume, fifteen years of eating frogs, fifteen years of saying "Pardon" and all because of you.

Edmund: But surely the scenery.

Philip: I never went outside.I couldn't stand the smell.

Edmund: What has all this got to do with me ?

Philip: Because Edmund its going to take you fifteen years... to die!

Edmund: Fifteen years ?

Philip: Yes.

Edmund: How ?

Philip: I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let us just say that it has something to do with snails.

{He opens a panel in the wall to reveal several snails and then starts to leave the cell}

Philip: Why to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn't mine by right.

{He exits ... later Edmund is still in the cell}

Edmund: Dear Lord, who made all the birds and the bees, and the snails, presumably, please help me, a little animal in my dispair. I have been a sinner but from now on I intend to follow the path of the Saints, particularly the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

Voice (from aside): Amen.

Edmund: What?

Voice: Amen I said. I'm sorry did I get it wrong? {A scruffy prisoner approaches Edmund} I haven't heard that word in twenty years you see.

Edmund: Who are you? I didn't realise I had company.

Prisoner: Oh "company", I haven't heard that word for twenty years either, or "realise", I'd completely forgotten. "Realise".

Edmund: Oh no, you're not mad are you ?

Mad Gerald: Yes I'm very mad thank you. Maaad. Thats a word I know. I say that every day. I say, "Good morning Mad Gerald, how are you today ?", and then I say, "I'm completely mad today thank you", and then I say, "Oh so there's not much change there then is there Gerald?", and I say, "No, well you'd be mad to expect any wouldn't you?", then I say, "But I am mad. I'm Mad Gerald....".

Edmund: (cutting in) QUIET. Sh

MG: Ssshhh

Edmund: Look this may seem a stupid question...

MG: Question yes.

Edmund: ... but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here would you?

MG: A way out. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ..... {He continues} 

Caption: 12 Months Later.
{Edmund is sitting next to a skeleton, Mad Gerald is still laughing in the distance getting nearer}

Edmund: (In a tired voice) Twenty years ?

MG: Yes twenty years. Not like "Mr Rat". I'm always saying "Mr Rat".

Edmund: (absently) Who ?

MG: Mr Rat. I say "Good morning Mr Rat, how are you today" and he'll say {pressing his nose} "meep meep meep".

{Gerald looks around for something to occupy him}

{Time passes. Edmund and Gerald are sitting on the floor of the cell}

Edmund: What?

MG: Mr Key {produces a key from his tunic}, I made him from my own teeth. Good morning Mr Key.

{Edmund grabs the key from Mad Gerald and runs to the door. As he's leaving Mad Gerald shouts from inside}

{Edmund stops a cart driving along the road outside}

Cart Driver: I'll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black carrier pigeons I've got in the back, that's where.

Edmund: Six black homing pigeons ?

CD: Well, mostly.

Edmund: How much are they?

CD: Six shillings.

Edmund: (checking his pockets) Oh damn.

CD: But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree you could have 'em for less.

Edmund: Right.

{Edmund leaves the cart driver tied to the tree, gagged and steals the cart. Edmund rides back to the castle where he releases the pigeons to find the Black Seal members. Each member receives the message and drops whatever he is doing.}

{Inside the castle}

{One by one the six other Black Seal members appear threatening Phillip of Bergundy and blocking any chances of his escape. There is a banging noise from one of the corridor doors.}

{Edmund burst in unceremoniously, nearly tripping in the process}

Philip: Edmund, I hadn't expected to see you again.

Edmund: No. Dead men don't make social calls do they ? Prepare to die.

Philip: Wait. Let me say just one thing.

Edmund: Which is.

Philip: If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the land...

Edmund: Yes they are. Your last sentence please.

Philip: Then they've made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader, haven't they my lord Warden of the Privvies.

Edmund: What ?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush ?

{The six laugh}

Six: Huh ?

Edmund: A man haunted by insatiable greed ?

Six: Really ?

Edmund: The most evil man in the world, you think they should have chosen you?

Six + PoB: Yes!

{They change position so that Edmund is now encircled by the Black Seal}

[Cheers]

[Cheers]

Pete: Well, who didn't. I certainly killed mine.

Wilfred: And I killed mine.

Friar: (To Sean the Irish Bastard) And I killed yours.

Sean: Did yer ?

Friar: Yes.

Sean: Good on yer father.

Philip: Are you with me then?

Six: Yes!

Philip: (To Edmund) Prepare to die.

{They ready themselves to kill Edmund}

Edmund: Amusing for whom I wonder.

Philip: Gentlemen.

{He uncovers a torture chair, the Black Seal applaud appreciatively}

{Edmund is placed in the chair}

{He indicates a large spike below the seat}

{He toys with one of Edmunds ears that is between two blades of a pair of shears on the chair}

Philip: Yes. Then these axes will chop off your hands and I do not think we need to go into the attributes of... the coddling grinder.

{He indicates a rotating set of blades between Edmunds thighs}

Six: Cos nobody else will. 

{They leave. Outside the room they approach two serving maids (One of whom has a beard...). The maids have trays with goblets of wine on them.}

Six: Over our dead bodies.

{ They each drink a goblet full of wine then walk off. About five yards down the corridor they all grab their heads, fall over, lie still for a few seconds before their legs jerk and they lie still again. Sean the Irish Bastard gets up and walks back to the maids}

{ He takes the last goblet, drinks it, walks off, grabs his head, falls over, lies still, twitches and finally dies. The serving wenches remove their hoods to reveal that they are in fact Percy and Baldric. They leap in the air cheering}

{ In the distance we hear Edmund}

{ Scene: The court are assembled around Edmunds death bed. King Richard the Fourth, the Queen and Prince Harry stand at Edmunds bedside. Edmund is heavily bandaged and shows signs of bleeding from the ears, fore-head and wrist-stumps.}

Harry: (Slightly louder) Edmund ?

King (In his usual manner): EDMUND!!!!!!

{Edmunds eyes open}

[The court cheers.]

[There is a flash of Percy and Baldric sitting talking in another chamber]

Edmund: Father, you called me Edmund.

King: Oh... Sorry, Edgar, how are you ?

Edmund: Not so well. Harry what do you think my chances are ?

Harry: Oh good, good.

Queen: He'll live ?

Harry: Oh no sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.

Edmund: (Wearily) Oh damn.

King: Never mind my son, your body may be mutilated beyond recognition but your spirit will live forever. (To the court) My Lords... 

{Another flash to Percy and Baldric}

King: I give you Edgar. 

{Another flash. Percy and Baldric are running panicking towards the court}

The Court: Edgar.

{Edmund taps his fathers leg. Richard bends to listen to his son}

{Edmund whispers to him}

Court: The Black Dagger.

{Everyone drinks}

King: May his name last as long as our dynasty.

{All the members of the court grab their heads in unison. They all fall to the ground and lie still. After a short time they all twitch, then they are still again.}

{Percy and Baldric are still running}

Edmund: I wonder if it was the wine.

{He lifts his goblet to his lips and takes a sip.}

{He grabs his head with his stumps, lies still, twitches and lies still again}

CREDITS ROLL:

Song:

So now the way of sin is paved,

The blade has got the Black Seal graved. [Pronounced grave-ed]

The only sound across the glade,

Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

A shame about the plan.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

Farewell you horrid man.

Cast in order of disappearance:

Murdered Lord JOHN CARLISLE

Cain, a blind beggar BERT PARNABY

Abel, a blind beggar ROY EVANS

Trusting Father FORBES COLLINS

Person of unrestricted growth DES WEBB

Old Man JOHN BARRARD

Mad Gerald HIMSELF (actually RIK MAYALL)

Pigeon Vendor PERRY BEVON

Friar Bellows PAUL BROOKE

Jack Large BIG MICK

Three-Fingered Pete ROGER SLOMON

Guy de Glastonbury PATRICK MALAHIDE

Sir Wilfred Death JOHN HALLAM

The Hawk PATRICK ALLEN

Sean the Irish Bastard RON COOK

Harry ROBERT EAST

Queen ELSPETH GRAY

Richard, IV BRIAN BLESSED

The Black Adder ROWAN ATKINSON

Baldric TONY ROBINSON

Percy TIM McINNERNY

Song by Howard Goodall [Note: Not Phillip Pope]