M*A*S*H Songbook
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"Suicide is Painless" (theme song)
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Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[Refrain]:
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[Refrain]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[Refrain]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[Refrain]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin, but...
[Refrain]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
"is it to be or not to be"
and I replied "oh why ask me?"
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you choose.
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(from the movie M*A*S*H) |
Script version:
Hail to the Chief
And King of all surgeons
He needs a queen
To satisfy his urgin's.
Movie version:
Everyone:
Hail to the Chief
He's the best of all the surgeons
He needs a queen
To satisfy his urges.
Hail to the Chief
He's the best of all the trappers
He needs a queen
To sit upon his lapper.
Hail to the Chief
He's the best of all the cutters
He needs a queen
To satisfy the others.
Hail to the Chief
Our Colonel did elect him
He took his orders
And shoved them up his rectum.
Radar:
Long live the Chief
The Colonel did elect him
He took all his orders
And shoved them up his nose.
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(from "Dear Dad...Again"; played by Radar, Hawkeye, Trapper, and Margaret) |
When whip-poor-wills call and ev'ning is nigh,
I hurry to my blue heaven.
A turn to the right, a little white light,
Will lead you to my blue heaven.
You'll see a smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room,
A little nest that's nestled where the roses bloom.
Just Mollie and me, and baby makes three,
We're happy in my blue heaven.
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(from "Dear Dad...Three"; only part was sung by Hawkeye) |
Another bride, another groom
The countryside is all in bloom;
The flow'rs 'n trees is,
The birds and bees is
Making whoopie.
The choir sings, "Here comes the bride"
Another victim is at her side
He's lost his reason
'Cause it's the season
For making whoopee.
Down through the countless ages,
You'll find it ev'rywhere:
Somebody makes good wages,
Somebody wants her share.
It's so he'll fall for
Making whoopee.
Another year, or maybe less
What's this I hear? Or can't you guess?
She feels neglected,
And he's suspected
Of making whoopee.
She sits alone 'most ev'ry night
He doesn't come home, or even write
He says he's busy
But she says, "Is he
Making whoopee?"
He doesn't make much money
Five thousand dollars per;
Some judge who thinks he's funny
Says, "You pay six to her."
He says, "Now judge, suppose I fail?"
The judge says, "Bud, right into jail.
You'd better keep her
You'll find it cheaper
Than making whoopee."
Another bride
Another groom
Another sunny
Honeymoon;
Another season,
Another reason
For makin' whoopee.
A quiet service,
A lot of rice,
The groom is nervous
He answers twice.
It's really killing
That he's so willing
To make whoopee.
Picture a little lovenest
Down where the roses cling
Picture that same sweet lovenest
Think what a year can bring.
He's washing dishes
And baby clothes
He's so ambitious
He even sews;
But don't forget, boys
That's what you get, boys
For makin' whoopee.
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"Mississippi Mud"
(from "The General Flipped at Dawn"; sung by Gen. Steele and later by Hawkeye) |
When the sun goes down, the tide goes out,
The people gather 'round and they all begin to shout,
"Hey! Hey! Uncle Dud,
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud."
What a dance do they do!
Lordy, how I'm tellin' you,
They don't need no band,
They keep time by clappin' their hand.
Just as happy as a cow, chewin' on a cud,
When the people beat their feet on the Mississippi Mud.
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"North Korean Blues"
(from "Rainbow Bridge"; sung by Capt. Spalding) |
Oh Tokyo,
They got some saki, and sashimi, and some clean sheets,
Oh, kimono, oh, kimono,
Tokyo's the town that I love the best,
East may be East, and West may be West,
Forget about between, it'll drive you insane,
And teach you things you never knew before.
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Song sung by Hawkeye, Trapper, and Margaret while drunk (from "Alcoholics Unanimous") |
Come on in,
Take off your skin,
And rattle around in your bones.
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Capt. Spalding's song about the Nurses
(from "There is Nothing Like a Nurse"; sung by Capt. Spalding) |
[Refrain]:
Well it's funny when they're here
How we take for granted
The way they taste, the way they feel,
Their sight, their smell, their sound.
And it's funny when they're gone
Just how bad we miss them
And how life can be so empty
When they're not around.
[Refrain]
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Capt. Spalding's song about the afterlife
(from "There is Nothing Like a Nurse"; sung by Capt. Spalding, Hawkeye, and Trapper) |
Oh when I die and it won't be long
Then you're gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong.
Yeah, you're gonna be sorry that you treated me bad
And if there's an afterlife I'll gloat and I'll be glad.
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"The Caissons Go Rolling Along" (from "Aid Station"; partially sung by Margaret, Hawkeye, and Klinger) |
Over hill, over dale
As we hit the dusty trail,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
In and out, hear them shout,
Counter march and right about,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery,
Shout out your numbers loud and strong,
For where e'er you go,
You will always know
That the Caissons go rolling along.
Over hill, over dale
As we hit the dusty trail,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
In and out, hear them shout,
Counter march and right about,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery,
Shout out your numbers loud and strong,
For where e'er you go,
You will always know
That the Caissons go rolling along.
That the Caissons go rolling along.
That the Caissons go rolling along.
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Capt. Spalding's first song for MacArthur
(from "Big Mac"; sung by Capt. Spalding) |
Well it's not Corregidor, you know it's only Korea,
It's a lousy little war, but we'd still love to see ya,
And I'm sure we can scrounge up a beach,
And you can splash in and give us a speech,
With your corncob pipe and your five gold stars.
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Capt. Spalding's second song for MacArthur
(from "Big Mac"; sung by Capt. Spalding) |
Big Mac is coming, he'll put an end to this war,
Oh the U.N. decided it was time for Mac to take it an encore,
Oh how I yearn to hear Mac say "I shall return" once more.
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"Long, Long Trail"
(from "Change of Command"; sung by Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J.) |
There's a long, long night of waiting
Until my dreams all come true,
Til the day when I'll be going down that long, long trail with you.
There's a long, long trail a-winding
Into the land of my dreams,
Where the nightingales are singing and a white moon beams.
There's a long, long night of waiting
Until my dreams all come true,
Til the day when I'll be coming down that long, long trail with you.
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"All Dressed Up And No Place To Go" (from "Dear Mildred"; sung by Fr. Mulcahy and Nurse O'Connor) |
When you're all dressed up and no place to go
Life seems weary, dreary and slow.
My heart has ached and bled for the tears I've shed,
When I've no place to go unless I went back to bed.
I've had a sad, sad life and whenever I go
To that peaceful spot where the violets grow,
Upon a nice white stone will be written below:
"He was all dressed up and no place to go."
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(from "The Kids") |
By-low, baby,
By-low, baby,
By-low, baby,
By-low, baby, by,
Daddy still loves you, daddy still loves you,
Daddy still loves you though he's gone to war.
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"Tennessee Waltz"
(from "Movie Tonight"; sung by whole camp) |
I was waltzing with my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz,
When an old Friend I happened to see,
Introduced him to my loved one and while they were waltzing,
My friend stole my sweetheart from me.
I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz,
Now I know just how much I have lost,
Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz.
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Army Song
(from "Movie Tonight") |
Father Mulcahy:
A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck,
if you don't listen to him you'll all wind up in heck.
[Chorus]: Oh I don't want no more of Army life, Gee Ma, I wanna go home!
Hawkeye & B.J.:
Oh the surgeons in the Army they say we're mighty bright,
we work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
[Chorus]
Colonel Potter:
Friendships in the Army they say are mighty rare,
so I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
[Chorus]
the Nurses:
The surgeons in the Army, they're bright, they are profound,
but we'll take chopper pilots they'll get you off the ground.
[Chorus]
Radar O'Reilly:
The corporals in the Army you say we're really green,
but if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
[Chorus]
Corporal Klinger:
Oh some guys like the Army I think that it's a mess,
if it's so damn terrific how come I wear a dress?
[Chorus]
Margaret Houlihan:
Oh some nurses in the Army they haven't tied the knot,
but this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Ending chorus:
Frank Burns:
Oh Hawkeye and oh B.J.,
they think they're pretty smart,
I'd like to take a scalpel and stab them in the heart.
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(from "Movie Tonight"; sung by doctors/nurses in O.R.) |
[Chorus]:
Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes without topses
Sandals were for Clementine.
[Chorus]
Drove she ducklings to the water
Every morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter
Fell into the foaming brine.
[Chorus]
Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,
But alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.
[Chorus]
Then the miner, forty-niner
Soon began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughter jine he daughter,
Now he's with his Clementine.
[Chorus]
In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine;
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she's dead, I draw the line.
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Shower Song sung by Colonel Potter (from "Bug Out") |
I love to go swimming with bow-legged women,
And swim between their legs,
Swim between their legs...
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"Keep the Homefires Burning"
(from "War of Nerves"; only the second verse was sung by the camp) |
They were called in from the hillside, they were summoned from the glen,
And the country found them ready, at the stirring call for: "Men".
Let no tears add to their hardships, as the soldiers pass along,
And although your hearts are breaking, you must sing this cheery song:
Keep the home fires burning while your hearts are yearning,
Though the lads are far away they dream of home,
There's a silver lining through the dark clouds shining,
Turn the dark clouds inside out 'til the boys come home.
Overseas there came a pleading, help a nation in distress,
And we gave our valiant laddies, honour bade us do no less
For no gallant son of Britain to a foreign yoke shall bend,
And no Englishman is silent to the sacred call of: "Friend".
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"Dona Nobis Pacem"
(from "Dear Sis"; sung by whole camp) |
Dona nobis pacem
Dona nobis pacem, pacem
Dona nobis pacem
Dona nobis pacem, pacem
Dona nobis pacem
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Fr. Mulcahy's first Korean War Song (from "Dear Uncle Abdul"; sung by Fr. Mulcahy) |
Oh my dear, I can't wait to see ya,
But I'm here in South Korea.
The picture you sent was quite an eyeful,
I taped it to my trusty rifle.
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Fr. Mulcahy's Korean War Song
(from "Dear Uncle Abdul"; sung by Fr. Mulcahy) |
There's no one singing war songs now like people used to do,
No "Over There," no "Praise the Lord," no "Glory
Hallelu."
Perhaps at last we've asked ourselves what we should have asked before,
With the pain and death this madness brings, what were we ever singing for?
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"Molly Malone"
(from "That's Show Biz"; sung by Sarah Miller and Marina Ryan from the U.S.O. and the whole camp in post-op) |
In Dublin's fair city where the girls are so pretty,
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
She wheeled a wheel barrel through streets broad and narrow,
Crying "cockles and mussels, alive alive oh."
[Chorus]:
She was a fishmonger and that was no wonder,
For so were her father and mother before,
They each wheeled their barrels through streets broad and narrow,
Crying "cockles and mussels, alive alive oh."
[Chorus]
Original version:
In Dublin's fair city where girls are so pretty
'Twas there that I first met sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheelbarrow
Through street broad and narrow
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"
[Chorus]:
Now she was a fishmonger and sure 'twas no wonder
For so were her mother and father before
And they each wheeled their barrows
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"
[Chorus]
She died of a fever and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Now her ghost wheels her barrow
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"
[Chorus]