Chapter 1 - The Mad Quest

March, 2001

Duncan Macleod had a headache. A bad headache. A headache so bad, that if Kronos were to burst out of hell and show up in his Dojo's Loft, Duncan would quickly bend down his neck and thank the Horseman for his services. But Kronos, monster that he was, decided to stay dead and leave Macleod in agony. This phone call went no better than the others.

"C'mon, Amanda! Its just a double date. It'll be fun! I'll let you use my credit cards."

"Duncan--don't take this wrong. But I am not going on a double date with two psychopaths like Methos and Cassandra. I haven't forgotten three months ago. They nearly took me!"

"Hey, they weren't trying to take you. They were just trying to kill each other, and you simply got.....Amanda? Amanda?"

Ever since Methos and Cassandra had decided to try and hash things out on a series of dates, Duncan Macleod's life had been this way. The Highlander had been reduced to calling old dates and couples he had known, looking for people to keep the two away from each other's heads. But he was running out of names. Yet still he tried, and still he failed.

"I Don't Think So-I Know So."

"Oh, I'd love to, Duncan. But the Hospital Blew Up, and I'm pregnant again. Bye."

"Uh, no. We have a 300-year marriage, and being around those two makes us want an annulment."

"Well, I'm writing a sequel to 'Sword Of The Macleods', and I'm going to----Mongolia, for research."

"No---way, Mac. I'm in Chicago, to see if I can get a new ID---Baseball is done, but the Bulls need me, now that Michael's gone."

"Hello? Yes, this is Duncan Macleod. You swore vengeance eternal on me in 1792, and I just wanted to see if you were interested in settling things by way of the Game....what do you mean, you've forsworn vengeance.....Great. I gotta call the one person who isn't building an amusement park filled with deadly rides. Whatever happened to the good old days, when people I bumped on the street 50 years ago were plotting against me?"

"Duncan?"

"Fitz! Oh, my old friend."

"Father Darius sent me from Heaven to tell you something about your quest to find Methos and Cassandra a pair of chaperones."

Duncan lit up.

"What is the message, Fitz?"

The angel Hugh Fitzcairn smiled.

"You haven't a prayer."

Macleod didn't bother to scream. His mind became a forge, bristling with ideas. None of them were good ideas, but they were ideas, nevertheless. He sank to his hands and knees.

"Father, hear me! My two dear friends are morons! They hate each other, but they think they MIGHT be in love, so they go on these Irwin Allen Disaster Film Dates. I've had to bail them out 16 times in the last 6 months. Worse, I've run out of people who will double with them. I need a sign, Father! Send me a sign!"

A bat then flew in through the window. Duncan rose up, his eyes just a little bit mad.

"It is an Omen! I shall call---A Bat!"

"Hey, Bruce? This is Duncan. I need--oh, I see. Well, you really do sound like him, Clark. Listen, are you married? Cause I know this couple, see? They need help sorting out some things, and if you and your other would double---you would? Thanks, its no wonder they call you---Their names---Methos and Cass---hello--hello?"

Duncan hung up.

"SUPER-JERK!!!! And yes, I know you can hear me."

Duncan tried another bat.

"Hello, Lacroix? Is Nick there? You're lying! Oh, he is not out! Its Noon where you are! All right, I'm sorry. You're certain he's not there?"

On the other end, Nicholas Knight waved his hands by his throat in an 'Uh-Uh' motion. His mentor silently mouthed 'You owe me big'. Natahlie, now a vampire herself, shuddered at the thought of hearing Cassandra talk about the Bronze Age again.

"Oh. Ok. Well, if he gets in...oh, that? Connor says that lemon juice and vinegar cleans that stuff right off. Ok. Bye."

Duncan was a man out of options. His hope broken, he sat down, only to hear a giggling sound. A little girl was suddenly next to him on the couch. It was 2-year old Blake Pierce, goddaughter to his protege, Radar, and daughter of his dear friends Hawkeye and Margaret Pierce. She laughed as the confused 'Uncle Dunc' picked her up.

"Blake? Honey, what are you doing here? I---"

Duncan picked up the phone, and called Maine.

"Hawkeye? Yeah, its Duncan. Is Margaret in town, because Blake just showed up in my living room....heeello? Ay, kiddo! They don't seem to want your cute little face back...."

But a few minutes later, two exhausted, exasperated parents showed up, quick as the wind--literally.

"Took you two long enough. I thought that garbage they fed you made you superhuman."

Hawkeye Pierce looked up, and caught his breath.

"Hey, pal. You know every time I jump to a sub-orbital height out West, NORAD goes crazy."

He grabbed his little girl up.

"As to you---ah, geez. I gotta sit down."

"You really rushed, didn't you?"

Margaret spoke up. While Hawkeye was stronger and sturdier, she was quicker and faster mentally.

"Its not the effort to get here, Duncan. This little she-demon is developing our abilities. She went cross-country while we---were occupied."

"Yeah, I know what occupies you two. Well, nice seeing you, and you, ye wee rugrat!"

Hawkeye got prepared to leave.

"Listen, Duncan, thanks for calling so fast. We really owe you."

An evil notion formed in Duncan's mind, while Margaret concurred with Hawkeye's statement.

"Yes, Duncan, you're a true friend. If you ever need a favor, just ask."

"Yeah, anything at all."

Duncan fought off a smile. He had his pigeons.

"Well, now that you mention it, I do know this couple that's having a hard time. They kind of need another couple to ride herd while they try to be civil. But I couldn't ask you to do that."

Margaret shrugged.

"Why couldn't you?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Sounds like a million laughs. So its agreed--we play chaperone. Maybe I'll get to first base with my co-worker."

"If we weren't married, lines like that would have you pitching a no-hitter. Duncan, its a deal."

Now, he did smile.

"I'll call them, and let them know."

Little Blake, still learning to speak, said a phrase she had learned.

"Uh-Oh!"