The Complete Shitlist
GHOST SHIT - Thats the kind of shit where you feel the shit come out,
have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the
toilet.
CLEAN SHIT - The kind of shit that you let out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET SHIT - The kind of shit where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you dont get a brown
stain.
SECOND WAVE SHIT - It happens when you've done shitting, you've pulled
your pants up to your knees, and then you realize you
have to shit some more.
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or the POP A VEIN IN YOUR
FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out
that you practically have a stroke.
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - The kind of shit where you shit so much that you
lose 40 pounds.
CORN SHIT - Self explanitory.
LINCOLN LOG SHIT - The kind of shit that is so huge you are afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking it up into pieces
with the brush.
DRINKERS SHIT - That is the kind of shit that you have in the morning
after a long night of drinking - Its most noticeable
trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
"GEE,I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT - The kind of shit where you want to
shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet
cramped and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT - The kind where it hurts so much coming out, that
you'd swear that it came out sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT or POWER DUMP - The kind of shit where it comes out of
your ass so fast that your butt cheeks
get splashed with the toilet water.
LIQUID SHIT - The kind of shit where yellowish brown liquid shoots out
of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet
bowl, The whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - A class all of its own....
ICEBERG SHIT - The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it
sticks above the water.
SQUID SHIT - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet
bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns.
THE OTTOMAS SHIT - The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of
the restroom and throughout the building to make the
entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has
been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few
years)
POPCORN AND PEANUT SHIT: (Related To The Corn Shit Family) When you shit
and can actually feel the Popcorn, Peanuts, and any
other foreign objects.
THE SLOW AS MOLASSES SHIT: People who will sit on the toilet for 2 to 3
hours and grunt, groan, fart, and curse because
it takes so long. (It usually ends up to be a
huge fart at most.)
SPEED SHITTERS: People who can walk to the bathroom, and in less than 30
seconds, can shit, wipe, and be gone!
SHRIVELED DRY SHIT: The kind where you sit there and squeez until your
stomach feels like it's coming out of you ass and the
shit is so dried up it feels like broken glass sliding
through your ass.
THE I'M BUSY SHIT: Where you are trying to do something (like call a BBS)
and you don't want to take the time to go shit, so you
hold it as long as possible and then run like a
screaming maniac to the bathroom and tear you pants off
jump on the toilet and it flys out in 4 seconds flat
making a loud fart noise and slashing your buns with
water.
JALAPENO SHIT: The kind of shit where you eat HOT jalapenos all day then
scream the whole time in the bathroom because it feels like
someone has a flamethrower up your ass and your shit comes
out like red-orange mushy clay.
THE 'I THINK I HAVE TO SHIT' SHIT: This is where you feel like you have to
shit but when you try the feeling goes
away then as soon as your back doing
what you where doing before it happens
again.
PEBBLES SHIT: the kind of shit where you try for hours to squeeze it out
and all that happens is one tiny little black pebble comes
out!
INTERRUPTED SHIT- This is the kind where you're in the bathroom halfway
through with your shit and all of a sudden the doorbell
rings or the phone rings and you have to squeeze your ass
muscles to eiher hurry the shit along or cut it off in
mid shit.
THE 'I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE SHIT' SHIT: This is where you feel like you have
to shit but it's not so noticeable
that you go, then you get in the car
to go somewhere and as soon as you get
down the block you say to yourself, 'I
knew I should have gone shit!!'.. What
happens after that is unpredictible!!
THE NIAGRA FALLS SHITTER: This is the type of person who was born with
diarea and still has it. They sit down and it
shoots out like a dam the broke wide open. The
worst part is when you have to go next and the
toilet is unspeakable and there is no toilet paper
left to use.
Hanging By Thread: The one you wait around for, for a little while, before
trying to loosen it by rocking, swinging and bouncing,
knowing all the time you're gonna have to smear that baby
all over your butt, use half a roll of paper just trying
to get rid of it. There is a 50% chance you will miss
getting all of it, of course. In which case you might
notice it after you have put your pants back on, and to
your horror you experience that cool wet sensation just
above the knee cap. At this point you will either go into
denial and walk around smelling like shit, or take your
pants off and use the other half of the roll trying to
get it out of your pants. As a public service the authors
of the shit list ask you to vigorously wash your hands
in either case.
Black Rain: This comes out with the consistentcy of melted chocolate and the
smell of toxic waste and is darker than is normal for humans.
Black Hole: What you have after a black rain.
Apocalypse Now: This is the one that says "NOW" to you whilst you're still
putting your key in the door. By some inhuman feat of
control you manage to keep it just the right side of your
asshole until you get your undies down whereupon it blasts
like flaming napalm out of you all over the pot before
your cheeks get a chance to touch the seat.
Terminator: Or "The butt plug" no matter how hard you squeeze, is going to
stay just inside your tubes but far enough down to convince you
that it might just come out if you grip the edges of the seat
and pull at the same time as trying to force your internal
organs through your hole. Don't be tricked by this little
sucker, it's there to stay. Come back when you can Thunderball.
Thunderball: You sit. You wait. Then you feel that build up of
back-pressure that is your only way to get rid of this
Terminator. To maximise the effect, you tighten your sphincter
whilst bearing down and just before the shit turns to diamond
under the heat and pressure you open your little bullet hole
and out comes this flaming solid lump at almost escape
velocity. You sigh and wait for the veins in your temples to
go down before exiting.
The Guns of Navarone: Similar to a Thunderball but this time you have lots
of ammunition.
Body of Evidence: The one that resurfaces after the dreadful deed is done,
especially when everyone has just seen you emerge from the
can. But you know it wasn't there when you looked after
flushing, so it couldn't have been you. BEWARE: This can
cause the break-down of household relations and can be
used in divorce proceedings.
Running Man: At the start of the day you had an "Apocalypse Now" and since
then you've been for a dump seven times and each time you
thought you were about to shit down your trouser leg in public
for the first time since you were in nappies. You make it to
the bog and even to sit down but it comes out the way Newcastle
Brown Ale goes in. On days like this you need to wear
trainers and panty liners to truely feel safe.
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