Three worst Chinese torture tests

 A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
 hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
 besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
 and under trees.

 One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
 It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
 buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
 chimney implying someone is home.

 He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
 beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
 and says "What do you want?"

 The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
 and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
 be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
 for tonight"

 The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
 condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

 The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
 promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
 tommorrow morning"

 The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
 then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever
 known to man."

 "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
 Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
 out in the wilderness all her life?

 Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
 showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was
 an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
 it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl
 had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
 well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
 throughout the meal.

 That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
 they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
 The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
 himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
 experience."

 Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
 on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
 his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
 test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

 "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
 he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
 and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
 sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
 testicle".

 The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
 be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a
 third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
 bedpost".