Tripod

   The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
   broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under the govern-
   ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the
   first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy
   father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's 
   problem by impregnating the wife.
  
   The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
   arrive.  Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.  The government man
   should be here soon."  Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
   rings the bell................ 

 
   Ms Smith:  "Good morning."
   Salesman:  "Good morning, madam.  You don't know me, but I've come
              to....."
   Ms Smith:  "No need to explain,  I've been expecting you.
   Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
              especially twins."
   Ms Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
              and have a seat."
   Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
   Ms Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
              is the right thing to do."
   Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
   Ms Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
   Salesman:  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in  
              the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
              the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
              the subject to really spread out.
   Ms Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked
              for Harry and me."
   Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
              every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
              from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
              the results.  In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
              please.'"
   Ms Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
   Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
              his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
              you'd be disappointed with that."
   Ms Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"
   Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
              look at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on
              top of a bus in downtown London."
   Ms Smith:  "Oh, my!!"
   Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
              They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
              mother was so difficult to work with."
   Ms Smith:  "She was?"   Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to 
              take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  I've 
              never worked under such impossible conditions.  People were 
              crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good 
              look."
   Ms Smith:  "Four and five deep?"
   Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
              excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
              at the crowd.  I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid I had to
              ask a couple of men restrain her.  By that time darkness was
              approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels
              began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
   Ms Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
   Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider my
              work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented
              technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in
              the front window of a big department store."
   Ms Smith:  "I just can't believe it."
   Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
              tripod so that we can get to work."
   Ms Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"
   Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
              It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
              shooting.  Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!