Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business 
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get 
her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much 
like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold 
sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, 
but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the 
dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started 
talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The 
old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. 
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, 
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very 
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every 
other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to 
a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its 
box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole 
door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. 
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your 
box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there 
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered 
to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special 
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." 
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought 
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered 
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The 
voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like 
nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided 
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still 
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her 
husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her 
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering 
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her 
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for 
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and 
twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo 
dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo 
dick, my ass!"