Rebecca's Favorite Jerry Quotes
Quotes by Jerry




Listen to: Jerry talk about the non-fat frozen yogurt.

Jerry and Elaine discussing the girl with "Man Hands"

Jerry's physics on Kramer and Newman's loogie story

Jerry's reaction when Kramer tells him he looks like a cowboy in his boots.

Jerry getting authoritative.

Jerry describing the mega B.O. the valet left in his car.

  • "They think they can dump 6 grand on me?! Think again!"
  • "Extra teeth? Oh I love that look."
  • "There are a lot of people that want me out of the way!"-George "I could name a couple."-Jerry
  • "Kramer trust me if given the legal oppurtunity I WILL kill you!"
  • "This is not good! I care."
  • "1%?! Well they can kiss 1% of my ass!"
  • "I'll have a black and white cookie. Peace."
  • "Look to the cookie and our problems are solved."
  • "I use Prell the hard stuff! Takes the roots out!"
  • "You want to trade the hair for phleme?"
  • "If someone asked me which way is Israel I don't fly off the handle!"
  • "People with guns don't understand! That is why they have guns; too many misunderstandings!"
  • "What kind of person are you?!"-George "You only successful."-Jerry
  • "Seinfeld you magnificient bastard!"
  • "Newman go away I'm with people now!"
  • "Newman you moving away is my dream too."
  • "Kramer this job is killing you! It's killing US"
  • "He IS on drugs! Who goes to South America!"
  • " We just parked in a handicapped spot it's not like we stuck a broom between her spokes."
  • "When someone has B.O. the O usually leaves with the B"
  • "The B.O. is alive! Even Superman couldn't handle such a stinch!"
  • "I know the chunky who left these chunkies Newman!"
  • "Who figured an immigrants gonna have a pony? When you see immigrants on a boat you never see one of them sitting on a pony."
  • "Everybody hates the Drake!"
  • "George how could she be smarter than you?"
  • "Let's go see them slice this fat bastard up."
  • "The Moyel circumsized my finger!"
  • "I'm human"-Kramer "In your own way."-Jerry
  • "I think he is avoiding me!"-Kramer "Hard to imagine."-Jerry
  • "I'm a papa!"-Kramer "Bring it on, nothing will surprise me at this point."-Jerry
  • "This stuff tastes like bleach!"-his girlfriend "Wouldn't know anything about that."-Jerry
  • "Are you going to introduce me?"-Kramer "I wouldn't know where to start."-Jerry
  • "It's nothing but bills, magazines, and junkmail."-Elaine "That IS mail."-Jerry
  • "Could it be I am not as attractive as I think I am?"-Elaine "Could be."-Jerry
  • "I'm working now."-Kramer "How long was I alseep? What year is this?"-Jerry
  • "What kind of person are you?!"-George "You only successful."-Jerry
  • "Do you like mutton Jerry?"-Elaine's cousin "As long as you don't remove the fat."-Jerry
  • "I'm not force feeding myself steak at 4:00 in the afternoon just for a cheap price!"
  • "We can go back to being the Gatsbies."-George "I still don't know what that means."-Jerry
  • "I feel Kramer's blood inside me borrowing things from my blood."
  • "Next Mr Mandlebaum will probably make me box with a kangeroo."
  • "You have three pints of Kramer in you buddy."-Kramer "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"-Jerry
  • "I was almost Mr. Coffee...they thought I was too calm."
  • "How's life on the red planet?"
  • "If people don't notice the tip, what's the point?"-George "So you never give to the blind do you."-Jerry
  • "Newman you wouldn't eat brocoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce."
  • *George walks in with HUGE Russian hat on* "Why didn't you get the big one?"
  • "That's one magic lugee."
  • "My home Elaine my home! The place where I sleep and come to play with my toys."
  • (at Susie's memorial) "Susie didn't commit suicide! She was murdered by Jerry Seinfeld!"-Mike Moffit "Not only that I broke his thumbs."-Jerry
  • "How can she look up to a person dating a Banya?"
  • (muttering) "Musicians.....get a real job."
  • "Kenny Rogers will never be able to sell chicken here! We have a chicken place on every block"-Kramer "He is the gambler."-Jerry
  • "You're hooked on Kenny's chicken aren't you? I should have known the constant licking of the fingers and the greasy doorknobs!"
  • "That red light is burning my brain!"
  • "She has a little Marissa Tomei going on"-George "Too bad you have a little George Costanza going on."-Jerry
  • (talking about Kramer) "Make all the laws you want. He is still going to bother people."
  • "If the board is so impressed with suffering you should tell the Astonishing Tales of Costanza"
  • "I've got to get on that internet. I am late for everything."
  • "So her parents are little people too? Hmmmm small world."
  • "I've been dancing and strutting in front of their store for two days."-Elaine "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."-Jerry
  • "You have them sleeping in drawers?!"-Jerry "Jerry have you seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time! They're right at home!"-Kramer "Oh this has international incident written all over it!"-Jerry
  • "I have super terrific carpol tunnel syndrome!"-Jerry
  • "It must be comforting to know you will go to hell at no more than three mph."
  • "Do you know how much time I waste in this apartment?"-Kramer "I can ballpark it."-Jerry
  • "How can I possibly interfere?"-George "Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?"-Jerry
  • "I love it here in the box! I feel like Lincoln up here!"-George "Let's hope tonight turns out a little better."-Jerry
  • "How do you oversleep at the Olympics? I would have six alarm clocks and pay off little kids in the village to wake me up."
  • (talking to George) "Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I never know what I am going to find and I'm real scared."
  • "It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!"-George "Like everyone else."-Jerry
  • "If you two are meant to be together I'm sure the cops will pick her up on something."
  • "This is too much George! Escaped convicts...fugitive sex...I have a cock fight to get to!"
  • "I was singing that Lion King song and making Cup-o-Soup and the Sidler snuck up on me! I thought I was alone!"-Elaine "That still doesn't make it right."-Jerry
  • "I don't know which I would find more embarressing the Lion King song or the Cup-o-Soup?"
  • "This woman walking by said I looked like Demi Moore in "Indecent Propsal"-Elaine "How fast was she walking?"-Jerry
  • "I'm sorry this is what comes from living under a Nazi region!"
  • "Jerry we need a case of Kaiser rolls"-Kramer "I think we may have some in the stock room"-Jerry
  • "How's the life saving business? It must take a really really big zit to kill a man! I call you Pimple Popper MD!"
  • "I want the antidote Pimple Popper!"
  • "Newman doesn't stop seeing anybody! Newman sees anyone willing to see him!"
  • "Enjoying the flight?"-George "Coach to India; the only way to go."-Jerry
  • "Birthdays are bad. You have people in your house and you think these people are my friends?"-George "Everyday is my birthday."-Jerry
  • "Imagine her taking credit for YOUR big salad!"
  • "Generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner."
  • "You're not a little anything Newman!"
  • "Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?"-George "Who goes anywhere with Newman?"-Jerry
  • "I don't trust this guy! He re-gifted, de-gifted and is using the Super Bowl as a sex romp!"
  • "I don't wanna be a cowboy!"
  • "How would I feel if I showed up with an unwelcome intruder?"-George "The way I feel when I go places with you."-Jerry
  • "Jon Voit bit me!"-Kramer "What is he a vampire?"-Jerry
  • "People don't just bump into eachother and have sex! This isn't Cinemax!"
  • "But I don't wanna be a pirate!"
  • "I don't understand I made a reservation! Are you aware of what a reservation is?"-Jerry "Yes sir I know what a reservation is?"-woman at Hertz "I don't think you do. If you did I would have a car."-Jerry
  • "Do you want insurance?"-woman at Hertz "Yes because I am going to beat the hell out of that car!"-Jerry
  • "We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that."
  • "Who figures an immigrant's goint to have a pony? You see pictures of immigrants coming into New York Harbor on a boat and none of them are sitting on ponies. Why would you leave a country where you had a pony and come to one where you didn't? It makes no sense!"
  • "I will never understand people."-Elaine "They're the worst!"-Jerry
  • "I saw Sienna again today."-George "Sienna?"-Elaine "George is dating a crayon."-Jerry
  • "One time I said I love you to my dog and he licked himself and left the room."-George "So it wasn't a total loss."-Jerry
  • "The monkey should apologize to me!"-Kramer "I don't see that happening."-Jerry
  • "I don't think I want to meet the people in the market for a used van."
  • "I know a guy who took his vacation on spare change!"-George "Where did he go the arcade?"-Jerry
  • "I AM the Master Packer!"
  • "Why do I need two bedrooms? I have enough trouble maintaining activity in one."
  • "Who throws a party? You have strangers using your house like a hotel room."
  • "That's what I love about the holiday season! People helping others...as long as it isn't me helping."
  • "Am I wrong or do I see a nipple?"
  • "To get back at you I should sleep with Elaine!"-George "That wouldn't punish me! It would punish Elaine, in a very cruel way I might add."-Jerry
  • "I'm never comfortable in the women's department I feel a LITTLE too close to trying on a dress."
  • "I choose not to run!"
  • "Do you have any pets?"-man on plane "Just my next door neighbor."-Jerry
  • "I need an ambulence! A man passed out in front of my building!"-Jerry "Tell them to hurry!"-Elaine "It's an ambulence..."-Jerry
  • "Who goes on vacation with no job? What do you need a break from? Waking up at 11:00?"
  • "You scared me!"-Jerry "It's just me!"-Kramer "That's enough!"-Jerry
  • "We're going on a 2 day trip. Who are you? Diana Ross?"
  • "For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch!?"-George "Have you ever heard of egg salad?"-Jerry
  • "I kind of like this opera crowd! I feel tough!"
  • "THAT is one angry clown."
  • "I need pliers."-Kramer "Does Newman have an army man stuck in his ear again?"-Jerry
  • "Look at the size of your wallet! You have a filing cabinet on one half of your ass!"
  • "Sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me."
  • "Once Kramer leaves the building he's out of my jurisdiction."
  • "You don't stare at cleavage! It's like staring at the sun it's too risky!"
  • "She's a virgin!"-Jerry "I didn't know!"-Elaine "It's not like spotting a toupe!"-Jerry
  • "I wouldn't put any stock in what Elaine says about relationships. She comes from a broken home...literally. A tree fell on her house and broke it in half. Her parents got along but the house was a mess."
  • "She has everything I want in a woman except walking!"-Kramer "You don't go out much anyway."-Jerry
  • "Good looking men have the same advantage. You never see handsome homeless."
  • "My friend's wife's breast is sticking out...why would I be uncomfortable?"
  • "She totally repulses me! But the sex is great! It's like my penis is facing my brain in a chess game."
  • "This is my lucky day!"-George "One out of 20,000 isn't bad."-Jerry
  • "Imagine liking wigs to the point where it becomes a career choice."
  • "Who goes to South America?!"-Jerry "People go to South America!"-Elaine "And they come back with things taped to their large intestines!"-Jerry
  • "We've been coming here everyday. This is soooo *bleep*ing good!"
  • "Hey fatso I have a degree in biology!"-kramer "Call me fatso one more time and you're walking home!"-Jerry
  • "What the *bleep* are you doing you little piece of *bleep*!?"
  • "It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots."
  • "Sweet fancy Moses."
  • "Moses smell the roses."
  • "I'm retiring!"-Kramer "From what?"-Jerry
  • "A rador detector? I've never seen you drive over 20 mph. You're like the grand marshel of the Rose Bowl parade."
  • "He's a male bimbo."
  • "Six years I've had this shirt and he's never shrunk or faded I call him....Golden Boy."
  • "Golden Boy didn't make it. Meet his son...Baby Blue."
  • "When we go to the door will you hold the bakery box?"-Jerry "Why?"-Elaine "The way you hold it by the string looks too dainty."-Jerry
  • "We can't walk in and put down a 2 liter of Pepsi in the middle of the table!"
  • "I don't know about you but I'm getting hankerin' for some Doublemint gum!"
  • "Well Poppy is a little sloppy."
  • "Maybe living with your parents will start to be a cool thing?"-George "And maybe baldness will catch on?"-Jerry
  • "Well perhaps when she is released from the burn center she will forgive you."
  • "This is no longer a crazy notion! Elaine...Jerry this opposite thing is my religion!"-George "So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ."-Jerry
  • "Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual."
  • "I can sense the slightest human suffering."-George "Sensing anything now?"-Jerry
  • "I would want to date a deaf woman a blind woman would be messy around the house."
  • "Mmmmm mutton! Hope you didn't cut off the fat!"
  • "I bet he acted like he didn't know me? That is sooo Franko."
  • "We did girl stuff."-Elaine "Went to a flower show, shop for pretty bows, go home and tickle eachother wearing your bra and panties?"-Jerry "That's what you think girls do don't you?"-Elaine "Yes I do."-Jerry
  • "Look at all this tuna! There's enough here to feed Biosphere 3!"
  • "No one's stealing a tractor! It's a 5 mph getaway."
  • "I saw "Titanic" so that old woman is nothing but a liar?"-George "And a bit of a tramp if you ask me."-Jerry
  • "Well I'm going to Hell...according to Puddy!"-Elaine "I thought you didn't believe in Hell?"-Jerry "I don't this is more of a relationship concern! You don't know how important relationships are to me!"-Elaine "Perhaps you can have a relationship with the Prince of Darkness while burning for eternity?"-Jerry
  • "I got bumped because of a fire drill. Like a fire in a school is such a big deal."
  • "You're going to score some big points with The Man Upstaris for this!"-Kramer "Isn't that what it's all about?"-Jerry
  • "George the very fact you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."
  • "It's not a purse...it's European!"
  • "Yes a purse! I CARRY A PURSE!"
  • "Well three years really is a long time to be married to someone."
  • "I'm going to get to the bottom of this!"-Elaine "Oh I think we're at the bottom."-Jerry
  • "I've always wanted to date a Chinese woman. I thought she was Chinese because of her last name."-Jerry "Isn't that a little racist?"-Elaine "If I like their race how can it be racist?"-Jerry
  • "Goodnight...Newman."
  • "It's Risk a game of world denomination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives."
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