211: Caroline and the Freight King

Written by Donald Todd
Directed by Gordon Hunt

Guest Starring:
Harry Groener as Henry
Karri Turner as Honey Potts
Carlos Sanchez as the Super
Candice Azzara as Angie Spadaro
Cathy Ladman as Elevator Lady

CHARLIE: Eagle Greeting Cards. [he pushes a button on the phone] Eagle Greeting Cards. [he tries another button] Eagle... [Del gives him a look] Greeting... [he hangs up] It's the phone, it's, it's the phone.

[Honey enters, wearing a delivery worker's uniform]

HONEY: Knock knock.

DEL: Oh, hi. What can we do for you?

HONEY: I've got a special delivery. [she gets a tape deck out of her bag]

DEL: Oh! Who's it from?

HONEY: It's from Marty, and Smitty, and all your friends down at Prescott Lincoln Mercury! [she switches the tape deck on; raunchy music starts playing. She starts dancing to it, removing her jacket as she goes]

CHARLIE: Who do you know at Lincoln Mercury? [Del just stares at Honey, who has now unbuttoned her shirt] Del!

DEL: Charlie, just let the lady do her job!

CHARLIE: Did you buy a new car?

DEL: Shh!

CHARLIE: This is great, she's at the wrong place!

[Honey stops dancing and switches off the music]

HONEY: What did you just say?

DEL: Oh, nothing, nothing. He said uh, he said uh, slower, it's not a race!

HONEY: Wait a minute. Isn't this the law offices of Strowman and Strowman?

DEL & CHARLIE: Yeah! Yeah!

[the phone rings, Charlie gets it]

CHARLIE: Eagle Greeting Cards.

DEL: Charlie!

CHARLIE: Ohh! [he hangs up]

HONEY: Oh no, I can't believe it! I went to the wrong address again! [she starts packing her things up]

DEL: Oh, hey hey, take it easy, take it easy. [Honey makes a high pitched whimpering noise at him] Look, why don't you call your office, have them give you the right address.

HONEY: No, it's too late! They told me, 'Next time you do this, you're fired!' And I'm good, too! For my grand finale, I was going to do a split on your desk.

DEL: Oh, really?

[the phone rings, Charlie gets it]

CHARLIE: Strowman and Strowman law firm!

RICHARD: Okay, that's eight cards, Caroline. Any more work and Lincoln has to free me. [he starts packing his things up]

CAROLINE: The greeting cards show is the day after tomorrow. Del says he needs at least ten.

RICHARD: He only said that because that's how many fingers he has.

[Annie enters, wearing a see-through shirt with a black bra underneath]

ANNIE: Hey Caroline, I need a white shirt.

CAROLINE: What happened to the one I lent you?

ANNIE: Oh, it's down in the laundry room. I need another one.

CAROLINE: Well, I only have one.

ANNIE: Uh, what am I supposed to do? I need a white shirt!

RICHARD: Annie, it's called The Gap. Fall into it.

ANGIE: [offscreen] Annie, does she have one?

ANNIE: [annoyed] Just a minute, MaaaAA!

[Angie enters]

ANGIE: Hey, I'm growing roots here. We're going to be late for your Uncle's wake.

ANNIE: I still cannot believe I'm cashing in three personal days at "Cats" for this.

CAROLINE: A Spadaro wake takes three days?

ANNIE: Yeah. It's like the Grateful Dead, they follow this body around.

ANGIE: But we're not going with you dressed like that. You don't show your respect for the dead by showing off your brassiere.

ANNIE: Alright, Ma, I'll take off my brassiere.

RICHARD: Doesn't it come off automatically at midnight? [he exits]

CAROLINE: Look Annie, if you want to borrow another shirt you're welcome, but if you want my white one, go down to the laundry room and get it.

ANNIE: Well, it's too late now. They locked it for the night.

ANGIE: Why'd they do that?

CAROLINE: Oh, it's a neighbourhood thing. They started locking all the laundry rooms at eight because of crime. [Annie elbows her in the ribs] Uh, shows, which are so popular now that people don't do laundry at night, they watch TV.

ANGIE: You've got crime here?

ANNIE: Saw through that, did ya?

ANGIE: I don't want you living with crime. You should move back to the neighbourhood.

ANNIE: Johnny Colombo was gunned down next door to you.

ANGIE: That's not crime, that's business.

ANNIE: Alright, come on. Let's just get this evening over with.

ANGIE: Oh, you got money for a cab?

ANNIE: Yeah, Ma.

ANGIE: You sure?

ANNIE: I got money, Ma! Look. [she gets a bill out of her purse] See, money. [she looks at it] Oh my god!

CAROLINE: What?

ANNIE: I spent this same five dollar bill yesterday.

CAROLINE: How do you know?

ANNIE: It's got the word 'repent' written on it.

CAROLINE: Oh.

ANNIE: Today I paid for my drycleaning, I must've gotten it back again as change. Is that weird or what?

CAROLINE: That is weird! You get your clothes drycleaned, and mine are wadded up in the basement.

ANGIE: It's an omen.

ANNIE: It's a coincidence, Ma! Everything is not an omen.

ANGIE: Okay, sorry. It's not an omen.

ANNIE: Thank you.

ANGIE: It's a sign! Do not ignore a sign. Your Uncle Jimmy did, and he's lying in a box.

ANNIE: The sign said 'No left turn'.

ANGIE: Come on. [they walk towards the door] Donate it to a church. That'll take the curse off.

ANNIE: You're just trying to get me to go to church.

ANGIE: I'm trying to save you from going to hell.

ANNIE: What's the difference? We're spending the night with our family.

[they exit]

HONEY: Eagle Gree- [she pushes a button on the phone] Eagle Greeting... [another button] Eagle...Cards.

DEL: You know, it's probably the phone.

[Honey smiles at him; Charlie looks shocked]

CHARLIE: [quietly] I can't believe you gave her my job.

DEL: I didn't give her your job, I just let her sit at your desk.

CHARLIE: That's all there is to my job.

[Caroline enters, carrying a drawing folder]

CAROLINE: Hey guys. I got a delivery for you.

HONEY: [giggling] Uh-oh. If you're here to strip, this is not Strowman and Strowman!

DEL: Oh, uh, this is Caroline Duffy. Caroline, this is Honey, um...

HONEY: Potts.

CAROLINE: Honey Potts?

HONEY: That's my stage name. I used to be a dancer.

CAROLINE: Really? I love dance. Would I have seen you anywhere?

HONEY: Mmm, I don't know. You ever eat at Bazoombas?

CAROLINE: [looking at Del with one eyebrow raised] Not that I can recall.

HONEY: Oh, you want some coffee?

CAROLINE: No thanks.

CHARLIE: I do.

HONEY: Then get some.

CHARLIE: You're the new girl.

HONEY: You're the messenger.

CHARLIE: And you stole my desk.

HONEY: And you're short!

CHARLIE: Who are you calling short, you bimbo! What's the matter with you?

[they start hitting each other; Del runs over and breaks it up]

DEL: Cut it out, cut it out!

[pause]

HONEY: Short!

DEL: Now! Honey, you go to your desk. Charlie, you go to yours. And not another peep.

[Honey goes to her desk; Charlie goes to a tiny, cramped desk on the other side of the room]

CHARLIE: She's looking at me.

DEL: I mean it! [he walks back over to Caroline] All day long.

CAROLINE: And you said you didn't want kids.

DEL: Hey look, you got the Christmas cards for the trade show?

CAROLINE: [handing them over] Yeah. I really pushed the envelope here. There's some really edgy stuff.

[Del looks through them]

DEL: Whoa!

CAROLINE: See?

DEL: Now we're talking!

CAROLINE: Is it Caroline sitting on Santa's lap? Because I was afraid that-

DEL: No no no, it's this one. [he shows her a piece of paper]

CHARLIE: Cool porcupine!

DEL: I can sell this. Man, you're right, it is different. It's raw, it's dark, it's...

CAROLINE: It's not mine.

HONEY: Not yours?

CHARLIE: [looking at Honey's bust] Ha-ha, like those are yours.

HONEY: You're dead, you little... [she starts hitting him again]

DEL: I'm telling you, Richard, you are on to something with this porcupine character.

RICHARD: It is not a character, it's just some stupid doodle that got stuck in with Caroline's stuff. Nobody was even supposed to see it.

DEL: Yeah, but I did see it, and I'm going to make us a fortune! Now look, we're going to start with porcupine greeting cards, then porcupine lunch boxes, porcupine mugs...

CAROLINE: What about porcupine pin cushions? You know, because the little quills look like, uh...never mind.

DEL: Okay, first thing is, we've got to come up with a real catchy name for this little guy, like Porky, or Piney, uh...you think people will get that?

RICHARD: You know what, it doesn't matter because I am not going to do it!

DEL: Alright, look, Richard, just don't say no right away.

[Richard sighs]

RICHARD: Okay. [he waits a few seconds, then checks his watch] No.

[Annie enters, carrying a five dollar bill at arm's length]

ANNIE: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

CAROLINE: What?

ANNIE: Repent! It's back!

CAROLINE: Oh my god!

ANNIE: That's three times I have gotten the same five dollar bill. That does not happen!

DEL: Look, will you relax? Weird things happen all the time. I once got an inspected by tag in my pants with the same number as my birthday, and it was on my birthday.

ANNIE: No more weirdness. This has got to stop. The universe can just leave me out of its sick little game! I don't want to walk around like I'm some chosen, anointed person! Like I'm the Virgin Mary, or something! [to Richard] Shut up! Maybe my mother was right, maybe this is an omen. This bill is cursed, it's the devil's work!

DEL: Why don't you just rip it up?

ANNIE: [sheepish] Well hey, it's five bucks!

CAROLINE: Annie, it's just a harmless little piece of paper. Spend it.

ANNIE: You spend it. [she holds it out]

CAROLINE: No.

ANNIE: Take it!

[Caroline flinches]

CAROLINE: Get away.

[Annie walks towards the door]

ANNIE: Fine. But you just watch. Tomorrow morning, I'll be curled up on my floor clutching a five dollar bill. [she exits]

RICHARD: Like we haven't seen that before.

[Del stands up and puts his coat on]

DEL: Well look, I've got to get going myself. So uh, Richard, we have a deal? Three greeting cards by tomorrow?

RICHARD: Okay, let's try this again. [he looks at his watch] No.

DEL: Caroline, make Richard do the cards.

CAROLINE: Richard, do the cards.

RICHARD: Why?

CAROLINE: Because I'd like to see you get a break, and I'm sick of hearing you complain about being poor all the time. It's almost like you enjoy the romance of suffering for your art.

RICHARD: Oh please, that is completely insane. [he walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Then put your porcupine to work!

RICHARD: Caroline, why in the world would I want to be a cartoonist? I mean, I'm an artist!

CAROLINE: Gee, thanks.

RICHARD: Oh, no no, that's not what I meant. I meant, what I meant was, my art is important.

CAROLINE: Oh, much better!

RICHARD: That's not what I meant either. What I meant to... [he shakes his head in resignation] Good night. [he exits]

DEL: So, he's doing the cards, he's not doing the cards, I'm a little unclear.

LADY: Hey, let me ask you: does this look like blood or red wine? [she holds up a stained shirt]

CAROLINE: Isn't that something you'd remember?

LADY: Not if it's red wine. [she exits with a laundry basket; Caroline goes over to a drier on the far side of the room, kneels down on the floor starts unloading it. The super enters]

SUPER: Anybody in here?

CAROLINE: [muttering] Just a sec... [the super closes the door and locks it] Hey. Hey, wait. It's not eight o'clock yet. [she goes over to the door and knocks on it] HELLO? Come back! [a bum emerges from underneath a pile of clothes on a table in the corner of the room. Caroline jumps, then he jumps, then Caroline jumps again, then he stands up] Who are you?

HENRY: It's okay. It's okay. Strangers don't have to be dangerous. Don't panic!

CAROLINE: I'm not panicking.

HENRY: I was talking to myself. Who the hell are you?

CAROLINE: Hello?

HENRY: They're not going to open it 'til morning.

CAROLINE: You know, a lot of people know I'm here. I come from a big family of cops. And they're not those by-the-book guys, they're do-it-their-own-way kind of cops. BIG guys!

HENRY: Are you on some kind of medication?

[Caroline moves forward a little]

CAROLINE: You know, I bet I could pick that lock with a hair pin. [she jumps back again] You stay there.

HENRY: You stay there.

CAROLINE: You stay there!

HENRY: You stay there!

[Caroline turns to the door]

CAROLINE: Right, like I have a hair pin.

HENRY: Wait, I do. [he takes it out of his hair; they both inch towards the middle of the room and then jump back as soon as Caroline takes the pin]

CAROLINE: Thanks. [she attempts to pick the lock; he starts humming the "Pink Panther"] You're not helping.

HENRY: Hey, I know you.

CAROLINE: I don't think so.

HENRY: Yeah yeah yeah, you're her! You're that celebrity, uh, uh, uh...

CAROLINE: [embarrassed] Well, yeah.

HENRY: Tori Spelling.

CAROLINE: No, I'm not Tori Spelling. I'm a cartoonist. [she gives up on the lock] Ugh, this isn't working. I'm going to be stuck in here all night.

HENRY: Well, it's not bad. I sleep down here every night in the winter. In summers I have a laundry room in the Hamptons. [Caroline starts walking around the room; he moves away] You stay there.

CAROLINE: You stay there. Oh, you know what? Maybe I could set off the smoke alarm.

HENRY: Oh great, I'm trapped here with a pyromaniac! Just take your medication, will you? [he starts fishing around in one of the washing machines]

CAROLINE: I don't take any medication. Well, actually, sometimes I take aspirin. Well, really Ibuprofen, because aspirin makes me...why am I saying all this to you?

HENRY: I have that kind of face. [he takes a coin out of the washing machine and puts it in his pocket] Hey, bingo, alright, fifty cents. Another two dollars, and it's a Starbucks morning.

[Caroline takes some money out of her pocket]

CAROLINE: You know, I think this hair pin might be worth a couple of bucks. [she gives him the money]

HENRY: You hold on to your money. [she reaches for it; he grabs it away] After this. You listen to me, Miss My-Father-Produces-Melrose-Place, it could all go like that! [he snaps his fingers] Look at me. I was a captain of industry! I was the undisputed interstate shipping and long haul freight brokerage transport king of upstate New York!

CAROLINE: I was the princess of a Polka festival.

HENRY: It's not a competition.

ANGIE: Doesn't he look good? [she leans into the coffin, crying and screaming hysterically]

ANNIE: Ma. Ma. [Angie straightens up] You hardly knew the guy.

ANGIE: I'm being hysterical out of respect. [she starts crying again; Annie pulls her up]

ANNIE: Ma. Ma! Honey, let's mourn and get the hell out of here.

ANGIE: What kind of talk is that in front of a dead man about to be buried in a grave for all eternity?

ANNIE: Oh! [she takes the five dollar bill out of her purse]

ANGIE: What are you doing with the five dollar bill?

ANNIE: I am getting rid of this for all eternity. Cover me, I'm going in. [she leans into the coffin imitating Angie, then stands up] Okay, let's go.

[they exit]

RICHARD: Come back here! Stop, stop, stop, just stay in one place and die. [the bug runs under the door] Okay, live, but you're not coming back in. [he puts the can on the table, then grabs a shirt from the bed and places it along the bottom of the door, then turns away. There is a knock at the door; Richard turns around with a frightened expression on his face. He picks up the Raid again, then opens the door cautiously. Del is there] Del, what are you doing here?

DEL: Uh, I was just in the neighbourhood.

RICHARD: You needed to buy some crack?

DEL: Come on, is it going to kill you to draw three Christmas cards?

RICHARD: Yes. See, we could've done this over the phone. Goodbye, Del.

DEL: You know, Richard, I don't get you. You talk about wanting to sell your art all the time-

RICHARD: Wait, this is not selling art, this is selling out. Del, when I put my name to a creation, I don't want it to open up and say, [in a goofy voice] 'Ho-ho-hope you have a merry Christmas!'

DEL: Oh, that's good. That's good. See, Richard, you've got a natural talent for Christmas cards.

RICHARD: [motioning towards the door] Del, please. It's getting late.

DEL: Hey look, I'm not asking you to draw the porcupine on spec! I'm going to give you a five hundred dollar cash advance.

RICHARD: Oh, I see. You're saying I should completely disregard my feelings and my principals for cash.

DEL: Yes! In fact, the better you get at it, the more cash you'll make.

RICHARD: You know, you'd be more convincing if you actually had the horns and the pointy tail.

DEL: I am not a cow.

RICHARD: You're right, Del. I'm sorry I called you a cow.

DEL: Alright. Look, I think I know what the problem is here. See, five hundred dollars is an awfully abstract thing when you just talk about it, but when you see it... [he gets the money out of his pocket and fans it out in front of Richard's face]

RICHARD: Oh wow. Okay, Del, that's only money. It's a lot of money, but it's only money.

DEL: Oh, no, don't think of this as money. [he takes out a few of the bills] You see, this group here? This? That's a taxi cab when it's raining. [he 'drives' it across the table, then puts it down] And this group here? Tickets to a reeeally depressing opera. [he puts another pile on the table] Oh, oh! Front row seats! [he adds a few more bills to the last pile] And you know what this is? That would be a brand new easel. [he puts a third pile on the table; Richard stares mesmerised at the remaining money, then takes some of it out of Del's hand]

RICHARD: It's a French folding easel. [he puts the money in the third pile]

HENRY: So which one of these cartoons is yours?

CAROLINE: It's right between "Garfield" and "Beetle Bailey".

HENRY: There it is. Hey, that's not bad!

CAROLINE: Thanks. It's not art or anything.

HENRY: Is it supposed to be?

CAROLINE: I don't know. I didn't think about it 'til today.

HENRY: Well, it pays the rent, right?

CAROLINE: Yeah, it pays great. Maybe that's why I feel bad.

HENRY: I can understand that. [pause] No I can't understand that. What are you talking about?

CAROLINE: Well, see, I work with this guy. He's an artist. A real artist, broke and everything, but that's his dream, and he's sticking to it no matter what.

HENRY: So what? He's living his dream, and you're living yours.

CAROLINE: Yeah, but that's the weird thing. I never dreamed about being a cartoonist.

HENRY: Why? What'd you want to do? [Caroline smiles] Come on, what?

CAROLINE: Dance.

HENRY: Yeah?

CAROLINE: Ballet. And I was good, too.

HENRY: So why'd you quit?

CAROLINE: Well, I wasn't the best. And only the very very very best get to make a living at it. I guess if I was a real artist I wouldn't mind starving, but...I did. [she smiles] What the hell? Cartoons make people happy, right?

HENRY: They do?

CAROLINE: Don't they?

HENRY: You believe that a person that was really unhappy could read your cartoon and become happy?

CAROLINE: Well...no, I guess not.

HENRY: And if they were already happy?

CAROLINE: Okay, fine, they don't make people happy. Glad I stopped by.

HENRY: What about you?

CAROLINE: What?

HENRY: Does what you do make you happy?

CAROLINE: Yeah, it makes me happy. It makes me very happy.

HENRY: Well, start with that and shut up.

[Caroline considers it for a moment, then smiles and throws a piece of laundry at him]

CAROLINE: Well said.

HENRY: Well, you don't get to be a worthless bum without having something on your mind. Hey, do something for me.

CAROLINE: What?

[Henry retrieves his bag from the other side of the room]

HENRY: Dance.

CAROLINE: Right here? That's so embarrassing!

HENRY: I'll tell you embarrassing, it's this shirt with these pants, but what choice do I have?

CAROLINE: But there's no music.

HENRY: What are you talking about, no music? [he takes a small transistor radio out of his bag] Here you go, look at this.

CAROLINE: That radio's not working.

HENRY: Not working? It's playing your favourite song!

[pause]

CAROLINE: [happily] Oh yeah! "Giselle"! [she begins dancing]

HENRY: What are you, deaf? That's "Swan Lake"!

CAROLINE: Oh. [she continues dancing, receiving oohs and aahs from Henry. She moves around the room but then trips over a box, crashes into a wall and falls to the floor]

HENRY: You know what? You made the right choice!

CAROLINE: Okay Del, here are the Caroline cards. I'm sorry I didn't finish the last one, but I spent all night with this bum I met in the laundry room.

DEL: Wow, you're ragging me for going to the singles bars.

[Charlie enters, wearing a chicken suit]

CHARLIE: Ready for the trade show, boss.

DEL: Charlie, what are you doing?

CHARLIE: I'm going to be your mascot. You know, Eagle Greeting Cards. We're ready to soar. Take flight with Eagle. I've got a mouse in my claws. Pick one, homie. [he does a homie pose, leaning back with his arms crossed]

CAROLINE: Charlie, you're supposed to be an eagle? This is a chicken suit.

DEL: Charlie, take the chicken suit off.

CHARLIE: I'm not wearing anything under it.

DEL: Why?

CHARLIE: [with a stupid grin] Feels good. [he skates towards the door; Richard enters carrying some pieces of paper] Hey Richard.

RICHARD: Hey Charlie. [Charlie exits] Alright, I did it. I didn't think I could draw these Christmas cards, but I found a way.

CAROLINE: You drew the cards for Del?

RICHARD: Shh, he's looking.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Richard, these are wonderful!

DEL: Richard, who are these guys?

RICHARD: Wise men, come to see baby Jesus.

DEL: Why are they crying?

RICHARD: Because instead they found a porcupine. I think it represents the disappointment some people feel today with religion.

DEL: It's Christmas! It's not disappointing, it's jolly!

CAROLINE: Well, look at this one, it's cute. Who's the little boy with the porcupine?

RICHARD: That's Santa's son.

DEL: Yeah, okay, why is he crying?

RICHARD: He never gets anything for Christmas because his father's always at work.

DEL: What is with you? The phrase is 'Merry Christmas'!

CAROLINE: You know, Del, maybe these'll work. A lot of people find the holidays very depressing.

DEL: And if they don't, these cards'll push them over the edge. Richard, you promised me you'd sell out. Where's your integrity?

RICHARD: You know what, Del, I'm sorry. I did my best. I guess some of me just leaked out.

DEL: It was just three little cartoons!

RICHARD: I don't care if it's little cartoons or the Mona Lisa. When you create something, you have to put a piece of yourself into it. It's hard work.

DEL: Which helps me not at all. So great, now I've got a whole booth at the trade show and nothing to put in it but these Caroline cards. [Caroline gives him a look] I mean, oh boy, how lucky can I get? [he exits]

CAROLINE: That was nice, Richard. Did you mean that about cartooning being art?

RICHARD: I didn't say it was art, I said it was hard.

CAROLINE: But you compared it to the Mona Lisa.

RICHARD: I didn't compare it to the Mona Lisa, I said you had to put a piece of yourself into it.

CAROLINE: Which means you respect it.

RICHARD: Well... [quietly] Yes.

CAROLINE: Thank you, Richard, that meant a lot to me.

RICHARD: Can I have a raise?

CAROLINE: No.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey, can I hide in here? My Mom's cooking in my apartment, and she's going to make me stir something, or form balls out of-

[Angie enters]

ANGIE: Annie, I need you to run down to the market for some garlic.

ANNIE: Alright.

ANGIE: Caroline, you need anything?

CAROLINE: Actually, I could use some milk. Here. [she reaches for her purse]

ANGIE: Oh please, you're family! Annie'll pay!

ANNIE: Apparently I'm adopted?

ANGIE: You got the money?

ANNIE: Yeah.

ANGIE: You sure?

ANNIE: [reaching into her pocket] Ma, I got money, see? [she looks at the note, screams, and throws it up in the air. Angie catches it] Repent! It's back from the dead! Ma, you were right, it's a sign. I'm going to church, I'm going right now. [she exits]

ANGIE: [looking at the note in her hand] Thank god it worked! I was running out of fives. [she exits]