216: Caroline and the Dearly Departed

Written by Jack Kenny & Brian Hargrove
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
John Glover as Hilton Traynor
Adam Ferrara as Pete Spadaro
Dan Butler as Kenneth Arabian
John Mariano as Johnny
Brent Jasmer as Daniel
Brynn Harris as Judy

RICHARD: Kenneth, I just finished painting this, and I wanted you to be the first to see it. [Kenneth starts to pick the painting up, then pulls his hand away and shows it to Richard so he can see the paint smudges on it] Like I said, I just finished painting it.

KENNETH: Richard, I told you before. Some day I'll exhibit your work, this just isn't the time. [he walks into the other room; Richard follows him]

RICHARD: Kenneth, Kenneth, come on! [he starts looking at the paintings on the wall] I mean, what does, uh, Miguel Dominguez have that I don't have, huh? Or, or, John Ch- [incredulously] John Chang? I went to art school with this guy! I could paint circles around him!

KENNETH: Well, the police beat you to it. He was gunned down on Third.

RICHARD: What? Oh my god! Oh my god, that's awful!

KENNETH: Yes, but great for his career. [he points to several paintings] Sold, sold, sold.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, just because he's dead? Wow...I have eczema, how 'bout hanging a little one?

[an intercom buzzes, Kenneth answers it]

KENNETH: Whatever it is - no. I'm in a meeting. [Richard walks over to a wall and tries to hang his painting over one of John Chang's] Uh-uh! Take that down. [into intercom] Of course, in a minute. ... No, it's okay. It's just Karinsky. [he hangs up] Richard, I'm sorry, I have to cut this short. Hilton Traynor is on his way in.

RICHARD: Hilton Traynor?

KENNETH: Yeah.

RICHARD: The art critic?

KENNETH: Yes.

RICHARD: Oh my god, I never thought of him as walking on earth. I mean, I always pictured him perched on Mount Olympus, making or breaking careers.

[Hilton enters]

HILTON: Yes, but one must descend from time to time to pick up one's drycleaning.

KENNETH: Hilton, it is good to see you. So, what brings you to this neighbourhood?

HILTON: Well, I was down here looking at some art, and for variation I thought I'd stop in at your place.

KENNETH: That's funny. Hilton, you are funny. Funny, funny, funny. Oh, I like this layered look.

[Richard clears his throat]

HILTON: And your consumptive friend would be?

KENNETH: Hilton, this is Richard Karinsky.

[Richard holds his painting up in Hilton's face]

RICHARD: How do you do?

HILTON: So fresh, so eager! You remind me of yourself at your age, except I was an enormous success and needed nothing from anyone. [he starts walking away]

RICHARD: Mr Traynor, Mr Traynor, Mr Traynor! Look, I know this is a long shot, but is there any way an artist of my calibre could have his work reviewed by someone as esteemed as yourself?

HILTON: It's possible. If you could arrange for the destruction of everything on this planet except for me and your art, I'm certain boredom would get the better of me and eventually I would look at it.

RICHARD: Mr Traynor, please, just take a look.

HILTON: Alright.

[Richard holds up the painting; Hilton glances nonchalantly at it, then exits]

KENNETH: Congratulations on your first review. [he exits]

DEL: Okay, you ready? I really think you're going to like this one. Coming this fall from Eagle Greetings: scented greeting cards.

CAROLINE: Scented cards?

CHARLIE: Here, smell this. [he gives a card to Caroline] I love saying that to women.

[Caroline sniffs the card]

CAROLINE: What is this, chocolate chip cookies?

DEL: Yeah! And when you smell chocolate chip cookies, what do you think of?

CAROLINE: Saturday night, no date...crying jags, raw cookie dough.

DEL: No, Mothers' Day. But hey, depressed thirty-something spinsters...

CHARLIE: That's good, that's good.

[they start writing on notepads]

CAROLINE: I'm glad my empty life could help.

[Richard enters, carrying his painting]

RICHARD: Hi.

CAROLINE: Richard, come on over here and smell this.

RICHARD: Okay, let's go over my job description one more time.

CAROLINE: How'd your meeting with Kenneth go?

RICHARD: Oh, you know. [muttering] I hate that man, I hate that man, I hate that man! Well, the usual.

DEL: Hey Richard, cool painting! I really like this one.

RICHARD: Really, Del? What do you like about it?

[Del looks at the painting for a moment]

DEL: Okay look, I'm just trying to be polite. Don't push it.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry your meeting didn't go well.

RICHARD: Do you know what the worst part is? John Chang, this guy I went to art school with, he was just killed, and now he's hanging on Arabian's wall!

CHARLIE: Howcome they didn't bury him?

CAROLINE: Wait a minute, Kenneth's showing him just because he died?

RICHARD: Yeah! The guy couldn't sell one painting his entire life, and now, boom, they're going for forty grand a pop.

[Johnny walks up to them]

JOHNNY: Excuse me. I'm no great expert on the arts, I'm just a humble servant, but we would be proud...no, honoured...no, proud, to hang one of Richard Karinsky's paintings on our wall.

CAROLINE: See there?

RICHARD: I had no idea you felt that way about my work.

JOHNNY: Well, I do. And this is a nice big one, it's going to cover all that water damage. [he picks up the painting and carries it over to the left-hand wall]

CHARLIE: Hey Richard, look on the bright side. Some day you could be covering water damage in the Louvre!

RICHARD: Perfect. Seven months of work, and I'm an alternative to Spackle. [he exits]

CAROLINE: That poor guy.

DEL: Wow, yeah. He really got a raw deal. Is there anything we can do?

CHARLIE: Let's go bowling.

DEL: Last one there's a rotten egg!

[they exit; Caroline walks over to Johnny]

CAROLINE: Johnny, Richard is so depressed. Well, even more depressed than usual. I wish there was something I could do to cheer him up.

JOHNNY: Well, you could go out with me.

CAROLINE: And how would that help?

JOHNNY: [sheepish] I don't know, I just thought I'd give it a shot.

[Daniel walks up to them]

DANIEL: Wow, that is some painting.

JOHNNY: Hey, if it makes you sick I could take it down 'til you're done eating.

DANIEL: No, actually I kind of like it.

JOHNNY: [shrugging] Fine... [he walks away]

CAROLINE: You know, it's for sale.

DANIEL: Really?

CAROLINE: Uh-huh.

DANIEL: Nope, I just bought something three weeks ago.

CAROLINE: But this is a great opportunity. A chance to discover a new artist.

DANIEL: I can't buy anything today, but I'll tell you what: maybe I'll come back and take a look at it again later.

CAROLINE: Well, you better do it now, because it'll be a lot more valuable soon.

DANIEL: Why, did the artist just die?

[pause]

CAROLINE: Yeah!

CAROLINE: [brightly] Hi!

RICHARD: [without even turning around] What'd you do?

CAROLINE: A bad thing.

RICHARD: You snuck thirteen items through the express line again?

CAROLINE: [walking into the apartment] No, bigger than that.

RICHARD: You killed a man just to watch him die?

CAROLINE: Somewhere in between, but a little closer to the second. [Richard finally turns around, and starts walking towards her] You wouldn't strike a woman holding out a cheque to you, would you? [she holds a cheque out at arm's reach; Richard takes it]

RICHARD: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at all those zeroes! Who is Daniel Cowen, and what'd you tell him I would do for this? Because I'll do it, I just need to know what to wear!

CAROLINE: A black suit. Uh, I told him you were kind of...dead, so he'd buy one of your paintings.

RICHARD: [stunned] What?

CAROLINE: I know, I know, it just came out of my mouth. You were telling me about John Chang, and how prices go up when you're dead, and I-

RICHARD: How is it possible...how is it possible that I never thought of this before? I've thought about killing myself, but never for fun and profit! Caroline, you are brilliant! [he hugs her, then walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Where are you going?

RICHARD: [overjoyed] What difference does it make? I'm DEAD, baby!

RICHARD: I'm sorry to have been the one to give you the sad news of Mr Karinsky's death. The first thing he said when he got your notice was, 'Finally, a chance to serve jury duty'. [everyone rolls their eyes] ... No, thank you. [he hangs up, then dials again] Wow, this is easier than I thought! [on phone] Yeah, can I have the number for the student loan services?

[Caroline gets up and takes the phone away from him]

CAROLINE: Okay Richard, this is getting kind of creepy.

DEL: This dying thing is great.

CAROLINE: You're not helping, Del.

DEL: No, I'm thinking, you're going out with a woman, you screw up, you pretend to die, you come back as your twin brother to console her! Fresh start!

CAROLINE: Wow, and I let you slip away.

DEL: Or was it my twin brother?

CHARLIE: You know what's cool? When you're dead, you can walk around and no-one will be able to see you.

RICHARD: [humouring him] I'm looking forward to that.

[Annie enters, carrying a newspaper]

ANNIE: Hey Richard, look! They ran your obituary in the "Times".

RICHARD: Alright, I'll take that.

ANNIE: Uh, fifty cents, please.

RICHARD: Oh, certainly, certainly. [he holds up his cheque] Do you have change for this? [he shows it off to everyone] Huh? Huh? No? No-one in this room has change for that!

[Annie takes the cheque off him]

ANNIE: Daniel Cowen? That's who bought your painting? Oh my god, do you know who he is?

RICHARD: A brilliant man with taste.

ANNIE: He's the casting director for "Days of our Lives". He's been refusing to see me for years.

RICHARD: Like I said, a brilliant man with taste.

CAROLINE: Richard, you actually put your obituary in the "Times"? What if your friends see that?

ANNIE: [quietly, shaking her head] Caroline.

RICHARD: Okay, obituary done. Now, I need to get Hilton Traynor to write an article about the late me in his magazine. [everyone makes disbelieving noises] Oh come on, don't you get it? The publicity raises the value of my paintings, I retire to a villa in Rome, and every evening I sip Chianti served to me by a lusty wench.

ANNIE: Richard, I told you I'm not going!

CHARLIE: I ain't lusty, but I'll go.

RICHARD: Yeah, yeah, you can laugh all you want, but this is a brilliant plan, okay? I mean, come on, everybody thinks I'm dead! Any time I need more money, I just paint a new, undiscovered Karinsky!

DEL: [Boris Badenov impression] That is brilliant plan, but I still don't see how it will rid world of moose and squirrel.

RICHARD: Now, who should I get to contact Hilton Traynor?

[everyone looks at Caroline]

CAROLINE: Why me? Why is it always me?

RICHARD: Because you have no spine, and you're incapable of saying no.

CAROLINE: [nodding] Okay, fair enough.

JOHNNY: May I help you?

HILTON: You could start by bringing me a clean fork, a cloth napkin, and some water, room temperature.

JOHNNY: [walking away] Sure. Let's see what the temperature in the men's room is. [Caroline enters, dressed in black with a shawl over her face] Grandma!

CAROLINE: No, it's me. Is this too big?

JOHNNY: [taking the shawl] Give me that. We need to keep the flies off the pasta.

[Caroline snatches it back and walks over to Hilton's table]

CAROLINE: Mr Traynor? I'm Caroline Duffy. It's such a pleasure to meet you.

HILTON: I know. And sadly, it is a pleasure that I shall forever be denied.

CAROLINE: Well, thank you for coming. I read your wonderful article on John Chang, and I just thought, this is the man to write the story of my Richard.

HILTON: Miss Duffy, when you said you would buy me lunch, does that mean anything on the menu?

CAROLINE: Of course.

HILTON: I am so sorry for your loss.

CAROLINE: Yes, it's tragic, really, especially since it was so sudden.

[Hilton brings out a notepad]

HILTON: Alright, let's start with the finish. When did it happen?

CAROLINE: Yesterday morning.

HILTON: No, I saw him yesterday morning.

CAROLINE: Oh, did I say morning? I meant after morning. Noon. Noonish. It was a nooner.

HILTON: I see. So, you two were...

CAROLINE: Don't print that. I don't want his mother to see it.

HILTON: Oh, his mother. I'd like to interview her. Do you have her number?

CAROLINE: Well, actually, she doesn't have a phone, she's a Quaker. A Shaker. Or...whichever one doesn't have a phone, but she hangs her chairs up on a wall, let me tell you! So, let's talk about Richard's art.

HILTON: No, let's go back a minute. So, shortly after meeting me yesterday, this young Quaker dies making love to you.

CAROLINE: I'm that good. So, ready to order?

HILTON: This isn't a publicity stunt, is it?

CAROLINE: What?

HILTON: I've seen struggling artists do amazing things to be discovered - run obituaries, fake death certificates...

CAROLINE: No.

HILTON: Miss Duffy, most struggling artists are struggling for a reason! They're bad!

CAROLINE: Well, I don't know what other people do, but I can assure you that Richard, my very talented Richard, is indeed dead!

HILTON: Oh yeah?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

HILTON: So when's the funeral?

CAROLINE: Tomorrow at two.

HILTON: I'll be there.

CAROLINE: So will Richard.

HILTON: Great.

CAROLINE: Hi!

RICHARD: [without looking up] What did you do now?

PETE: I could get in a lot of trouble for this, Annie. If Uncle Lennie finds out, I'll be wearing this thing.

[Richard looks at the coffin]

RICHARD: Oh come on, this is particle board! Where'd you get it, Ikea?

PETE: This is the fourth coffin I've shown you.

RICHARD: Look, Hilton Traynor is going to be here any minute, and this clashes with my art!

PETE: Annie, Martha Stuart here is driving me crazy!

ANNIE: Alright Richard, leave my brother alone, okay? He's a professional funeral director. He knows how to fake a funeral.

PETE: Yeah, we used to do it all the time when we were kids.

ANNIE: Yeah! Remember when you went into the coffin under Mr Kozlowski's arms and started making them move around?

[they start flailing their arms around like the robot from "Lost In Space"]

PETE: Warning! Warning!

RICHARD: Yeah yeah yeah, need a new coffin! [he pushes the particle board coffin out of the room]

PETE: See? This is why I prefer my dead people dead. [to Richard] Look, I'm doing you a favour. I've got the Bartoni funeral coming in here in a half hour.

RICHARD: I thought we had this place for the entire afternoon!

PETE: Yeah, and Mr Bartoni thought he was goin' to see The Three Tenors next week. See, we all have our little disappointments. [he exits]

ANNIE: Richard, come on. Sit down.

RICHARD: What?

[Annie sits him down in one of the chairs and starts putting foundation on his face]

ANNIE: We have to get some powder on you.

RICHARD: Huh?

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: What are you guys doing? People are going to be here any minute! Where's the coffin, and why aren't you in it?

ANNIE: Well, he's got to have some make-up on his face, he's got to look like he just died! Without make-up, he looks like he died ten years ago.

[Richard stands up; Pete enters with another coffin]

PETE: Alright, this is our capri model. What do you think?

RICHARD: Well, this one's a little better.

[Annie opens the coffin and looks inside, then slams it shut with a shocked expression on her face]

ANNIE: Pete?

PETE: I didn't want to get her out of there unless he liked it. She weighs two-forty!

ANNIE: Help me get her out of here. [she starts pushing the end of the coffin; Pete jumps on the front] Quit ridin' it!

PETE: Come on, you can do it.

[they exit]

RICHARD: Okay Caroline, one quick eulogy and we're out. Here. [he holds out a piece of paper]

CAROLINE: Uh, actually, I brought my own. I think you'll like it. I had some really nice things to say about you.

RICHARD: Really?

CAROLINE: Yeah. [she gives it to him] You know, you mean a lot to me. I'm really going to miss you.

RICHARD: Thanks, I'm going to miss you...what are we talking about? I'm not dead!

CAROLINE: Well, just look at it.

RICHARD: Alright. [he looks at Caroline's eulogy, nodding and smiling as he reads] Oh, that's really sweet. [he hands it back and walks away] Read mine instead.

[Pete and Annie enter with another coffin]

PETE: Alright, you better like this one.

RICHARD: Okay, now we're talking eternal rest!

ANNIE: [quietly, to Caroline] It's the first one, I just changed the pillow.

PETE & ANNIE: [smiling] Civilians.

CAROLINE: You guys, it's showtime. I'm going to go check for Mr Traynor, okay? [she exits]

ANNIE: Okay Richie, get in.

[Richard stands over the coffin, looking troubled]

RICHARD: It's kind of funny, I mean, when you have it sitting right here, and... [Annie sighs] Okay, don't rush me, alright? I'm just going to...look, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get in, okay? That's all.

PETE: Well, here in Paramus it's usually two behind the ear. [he makes a bullet noise] Now get in!

RICHARD: [walking away] Okay, look...I can't be rushed, I just need to take a second, okay?

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Mr Traynor's here!

[Richard runs over and somersaults into the coffin; Annie and Pete wheel him to the front of the room]

CAROLINE: Please, take a seat in the viewing room. The service is about to begin.

[Charlie skates up to the coffin]

CHARLIE: Hey Richard, cool coffin. Can I try it later? [Richard swats him on the side of the head, trying to move as little as possible] Ow!

[Caroline walks up to them]

CAROLINE: [quietly] Sit down, Charlie!

[Charlie does so; Hilton walks up to the coffin]

HILTON: I would like to pay my respects, if I could.

CAROLINE: Please, I'd rather you not get too close. Richard liked his space. [she shows him to a seat, then walks over to the podium] Well, I'd like to thank you all for coming. I have some thoughts that I just jotted down, I'd like to share with you. [reads] 'As the curtain descends far too early on this brilliant career, we remember the artist, Richard Karinsky. Indicate my body.' ...of work. [she points to his paintings] 'As Nietzsche said in "Auto Sprach Zarathus...Zarath..." [she tries to pronounce the rest of the title, but fails]

HILTON: [finishing for her] "Zarathustra".

CAROLINE: What he said. [she tries to continue reading] Uh...for some reason I got pretentious and wrote the rest of this in German. I'll just skip down to the end and say, auf wiedersehen. Thank you all for coming, there'll be another showing and a reception at Remo's.

[everyone stands up]

JOHNNY: Happy hour, four to six!

[Del walks to the front of the room]

DEL: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute! I'd like to say goodbye to Richard in my own little way, and that happens to be with a scented sympathy card from Eagle Greetings. [he holds up a card] And you can too, available in stores. [he sniffs it] Mmm, chocolate chip. I'll miss you, mom. [he sits down]

CAROLINE: Thank you, Del. That was tasteless, but moving. Uh, goodnight!

[Kenneth stands up]

KENNETH: I'd like to say something. [he walks to the front]

HILTON: Oh good, a breath of hot air.

[cut to the door at the back of the room. Annie is standing beside it. Pete opens it and looks in]

PETE: Annie, pack this up. I've got another funeral stacking up out here.

ANNIE: Hey, don't rush us, okay? Or I'll tell mom about those bodybuilding magazines under your bed.

PETE: Hey! I buy those 'cause I work out! [he shuts the door]

[cut to the podium]

KENNETH: I didn't know the meaning of art 'til I met Richard Karinsky. It's hard to believe that just yesterday, I was saying 'Yes, Richard, yes. Not only do I love your work, but I am going to represent you exclusively'.

[Caroline puts her hands on her hips and gives him a look]

[cut to the door. Daniel enters]

DANIEL: Hi, is this the Karinsky funeral?

ANNIE: Yeah, who're you?

DANIEL: I'm Daniel Cowen. I just bought one of-

ANNIE: Oh my god! You cast "Days of our Lives". Listen, I'm an actress, and I'm really-

DANIEL: Yeah, I'm not so sure this is such a good time. I just came to pay my respects. [he walks over and sits down]

[cut to the podium. Kenneth is still talking]

KENNETH: ...Karinsky-

CAROLINE: Died, and we were all very sad. Thank you, Kenneth. [she gently pushes him away from the podium; he returns to his seat] Alright, that ends our service, finally.

ANNIE: [walking up to the front] No it doesn't.

CAROLINE: What do you mean?

ANNIE: No it doesn't!

CAROLINE: What are you doing?

[they start arguing; Annie yanks Caroline away from the podium and she flies across the room into a chair. Annie walks over and stands by the coffin]

ANNIE: [dramatically] And now, I want to talk about my Richard. Who reminded me so much of Lucas, who lured my sister Marlana away from me. Sure, I had amnesia at the time, but that gave him no cause to rest control of Countess Willhemena Cosmetics away from Billie! And I vowed with every fibre of my being that when I returned to Salem, I will be the one to place Lucas, and not his mysterious twin brother, at the site of Court St John's murder!

CHARLIE: Lucas doesn't have a twin brother!

[Annie leans over the coffin and begins sobbing; Caroline runs over to her]

CAROLINE: Everybody out! Everybody...to the rear!

[everyone walks towards the door except for Hilton, who walks up to the podium]

HILTON: Wait a minute! Sit down, sit down. [to Annie, who is still sobbing] You too, Meryl. I'd like to say a few words. As I'm sure all of you know, I'm Hilton Traynor. As I sat there gazing upon Mr Karinsky's work, so tastefully displayed over his dead body, one word leapt to mind: crap. [he and Caroline both watch Richard for a reaction, but Richard stays motionless] If I had to find two words, I would say crap twice. [everyone looks at Richard] Because that's what it is. [he leans over to Richard's ear] RIGHT, RICHAAAAARRRRDD! [Richard still doesn't move a muscle; Hilton looks up at everyone sheepishly] I'm so embarrassed! I think I've made a horrible mistake. I believed that this innocent young man was the perpetrator of a hoax, when in fact he was a serious artist who died tragically while making love to his beautiful companion, Caroline Duffy.

RICHARD: [sitting up] WHAT?!

[Hilton looks at him with one eyebrow raised, Caroline tries not to smile, and everyone else stares at him with varying degrees of amazement. Richard feigns a heart attack and falls back into the coffin, closing the lid behind him]