302: Caroline and the Kink

Written by Oliver Goldstick
Directed by James Burrows

Guest starring:
Michael Ensign as Mr Fogel
Barry Thompson as Concierge
Tadd Zarubica as Man

ANNIE: Ugh! I just got off the phone, and I am so mad I could spit! By the way, I'm returning the clothes I borrowed. [she starts walking up the stairs]

CAROLINE: Thanks, just put them on the- [Annie drops them from halfway up the stairs to the floor below, and carries on up to Caroline's bedroom] The floor's fine. Yeah.

[Annie returns downstairs with another pile of clothes]

ANNIE: I have been in "Cats" six years. Six years. I leave to do one lousy TV show, and now that creep producer won't give me my job back! He just hung up on me! [she takes a short skirt from the pile and starts putting it on over her jeans] Do you believe it? He said I'm abrasive and I have a bad attitude! Do you think I'm abrasive?

CAROLINE: Well, maybe it's just the lighting.

ANNIE: Caroline, when I'm not working I don't know what to do with myself! [she picks up a cardigan and puts it on backwards]

CAROLINE: Well, why don't you just relax for once? I mean, you've been working for a long time without a break. Try something new. Maybe take a...pottery class.

ANNIE: A pottery class! I never thought of that.

CAROLINE: Mm-hmm, they're fun.

ANNIE: I'll bet! Yeah, I could make an ash tray, or my own coffee mug. Sure, or I could make a nice fruit bowl, and then when I go to put it in that big oven I could climb in after it and slam the door, 'cause my life is so pathetic I have to take a pottery class! [she exits, still wearing Caroline's clothes]

ANNIE: So, you want to go out to breakfast?

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I already ate.

ANNIE: How 'bout lunch? Or dinner? What are you doing later? You want to go to a movie? Huh? Huh? Say yes, say yes!

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I've got a lot of work to do today.

ANNIE: Oh, sure. Kick the unemployed girl while she's down. Alright, I'll just go home, finish reading "The Grapes of Wrath".

CAROLINE: I love "The Grapes of Wrath". When did you start reading that?

ANNIE: Eighth grade.

[Annie opens the door; Richard and Julia are there. Richard is kissing Julia's hand.]

JULIA: Bon giorno, Caroline. Angie.

ANNIE: Annie.

RICHARD: Angie's the mother, but it's an easy mistake.

[Annie hits Richard by swinging the door into him]

JULIA: Caroline, I apologise if Richard is late. This is completely my fault. You see, in Rome we do not live by the clock. When you're Italian, you're always late. Capisce.

ANNIE: Hey, I'm Italian, and I'm always on time.

JULIA: Really? I do not recall where New Jersey lies in the boot of Italy.

ANNIE: Let me get a boot, I'll show ya.

[they give each other a look; Caroline walks over to them and ushers Julia to the door]

CAROLINE: Well, geography class is over. Let's get back to work.

JULIA: Ciao, everybody.

ALL: Ciao.

[Julia exits]

CAROLINE: Richard, I thought we'd start on the Sunday strip.

RICHARD: Fine. [he takes his coat off to reveal an ugly metallic-sliver shirt underneath]

CAROLINE: Wow!

ANNIE: What the hell are you wearing?

RICHARD: It's a present from my wife. And I like it.

CAROLINE: Well, live long and prosper.

[they give him the Vulcan hand signal]

ANNIE: How many Hefty bags had to die for that shirt?

RICHARD: Not as many as the ones stuffed in your bra.

ANNIE: [looking at Richard's back] Well lookie here, there's a place to store your toiletries!

RICHARD: Stay away. What are you doing here, anyway? It's Wednesday. Shouldn't you be crawling around on all fours with your tail up?

ANNIE: No, I'm not in "Cats" anymore.

RICHARD: I wasn't talking about "Cats". [Annie quickly unzips one of the zippers on Richard's chest] Ow, ow!

ANNIE: I'm outta here. Good luck, Tin Man. I hope the Wizard finds you a heart. [she exits]

CAROLINE: You know, Richard, I've changed my mind. I kind of like it. The colour looks good on you. [she starts sorting through a pile of clothes on the sofa]

RICHARD: Oh stop it, it's hideous. I look like Seigfried and Roy's carry-on luggage. I don't know what she was thinking. I'm not one of her model friends from Milan. I don't wear petroleum-based clothing. Here, give me something. Come on, come on.

[Caroline throws him a tiny brown t-shirt]

CAROLINE: Well, why don't you tell her that it's not your style?

RICHARD: Caroline, it's not just the shirt. She has been changing everything. She threw away my cereal, she put all of my clothes into one drawer...she moved my easel.

CAROLINE: Where'd she move it?

RICHARD: To the left. It was perfect where it was. [he takes off the shirt]

CAROLINE: Richard, you're married now. You have to learn how to compromise. You have to give some things up.

RICHARD: Like what, my dignity? [he puts Caroline's t-shirt on, which is way too tight and short]

CAROLINE: Well, she has to compromise too. [Richard puts his coat back on] Maybe give up the idea you look good dressed as a TV dinner.

RICHARD: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You're not giving me marital advice, are you?

CAROLINE: No no no, you're right. I'm not going to give you any advice. I don't know anything about marriages anyway, so I'm just going to sit here, I'm not going to say anything else. [pause] Nothing. [pause] But you know what happens when a couple doesn't compromise! I mean, a little problem turns into a big, ugly fight, and pretty soon you're on an episode of "Cops" running across the lawn waving a bloody barbecue fork!

RICHARD: First of all, we never barbecue. Second of all, did you ever notice those couples are fighting? And you know what starts those fights? Talking!

CAROLINE: Okay, fine, fine. Don't talk. Let it fester. That's always pretty. Get ready, because pretty soon you might have a pair of pants to match that shirt.

RICHARD: Oh my god, the pants were on sale...

DEL: I guarantee you, Mr Fogel, your fellow Canadians will eat these "Caroline in the City" cards right up. You put 'em in your stores, you'll be a national hero.

FOGEL: Very convincing. [he stands up and walks towards the door]

DEL: Uh, Mr Fogel, did I mention my aunt actually married a Canadian? Well, he was actually a draft dodger, but he pays taxes in Canada, and he loves his beer!

FOGEL: Interesting. I'll think about it. But if you'll excuse me, I've got three other presentations to get to.

DEL: Wait a minute, Mr Fogel. Is there anything else here I can show you that might help you make up your mind? [he picks up a mug from the desk] Here, what about a "Caroline in the City" coffee mug? [he looks inside it, tips the remaining coffee in the rubbish bin, then shows it to Mr Fogel. Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Hey Del...hey, person I don't know.

DEL: Uh, this is Don Fogel of Fogel Paper Works, Charlie.

FOGEL: Well, I better be off. I'm having drinks at the Four Seasons. Those "Garfield" people have money to burn.

DEL: The Four Seasons? Is that the best they can do? Look, I would be honoured if you'd join me at my private club. It's very exclusive, it's very hip.

FOGEL: I like exclusive. I'm working on hip. I'll call you after lunch.

DEL: Great. [Mr Fogel exits] Ah...okay, got to join a club that's exclusive and hip. [he picks up a phone book]

CHARLIE: Hey, you didn't tell me the Fogel meeting was this morning.

DEL: Relax, Charlie. I took care of your end of things, I sent out for coffee.

[Charlie gets his contract out of his pocket]

CHARLIE: You know, that's the third time you've done that, and according to the said contract, this business is half mine.

DEL: You carry that around with you?

CHARLIE: Chicks. Look, are we partners or not, because a partner doesn't have a meeting without his partner unless he doesn't want a partner, partner.

DEL: Okay Charlie, let me explain to you how a partnership works, okay? When Wilbur Wright was up there flying that plane, do you think Orville was on the ground yelling 'I want a go! I want a go!'?

CHARLIE: No.

DEL: No, of course not! Because Orville was on the ground mowing the grass so his partner would have some place to land.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but at least he was there! Wilbur just didn't send him out to buy filters for the coffee maker.

DEL: Right, and where are these filters, partner?

CHARLIE: That's better. I'll be right back. [he exits]

ANNIE: Huh. Boy, I'm learning a lot from "The Grapes of Wrath". I always thought the Dust Bowl was a big football game.

CAROLINE: Well then, "Moby Dick"'s going to be a major disappointment to you. [Annie sits down in a chair facing the door] What are you doing?

ANNIE: I'm waiting for the floor show. I want to see what Zipper Boy squeezed into today.

CAROLINE: Well, I think that show closed. I gave him some advice, and I think maybe he might have a talk with Julia.

ANNIE: You gave him advice? Caroline, this is Richard's marriage! Either you do the right thing and try to destroy it, or stay out of it!

CAROLINE: I can't do that. Richard's still my friend.

ANNIE: Did you start your life as a Disney drawing? Why are you trying to keep the two of them together?

CAROLINE: Because where I come from, people take marriage very seriously. It's forever. It's the biggest commitment you could ever make.

ANNIE: [waving the book around] Hey, four hundred and seventy-eight pages, that's a commitment. See ya. [she opens the door; Richard is there] Plastic underwear?

RICHARD: Steel diaphragm?

[Annie exits]

CAROLINE: Hey Richard, I see you got your old wardrobe back.

RICHARD: Yes I did. I uh, I took your advice, I talked to Julia.

CAROLINE: Well, good for you! I bet she appreciated your honesty.

RICHARD: I wouldn't know. She moved out last night.

[pause]

CAROLINE: Well...thank god you don't own a barbecue fork.

CAROLINE: Huh. Richard, nice job on that third panel! The sky looks great. What colour blue did you use? [Richard holds up a marker without looking at her] Sky blue. Good choice! [she sighs] You know, Richard, maybe there's another reason why you haven't spoken to me in uh, [she looks at her watch] four hours and ten minutes, but I'm beginning to get the feeling you might be a little bit mad at me.

RICHARD: Why would I be mad at you?

CAROLINE: Why would I be mad at you? Huh...let's think about the last time we talked. [she makes a rewind noise] I gave you some advice about Julia.

RICHARD: Caroline, I'm not mad at you for giving me stupid advice. I'm mad at myself for taking the stupid advice.

CAROLINE: But it was okay advice. What happened?

RICHARD: I spoke honestly, she spoke honestly. I yelled, she yelled. I stayed, she left.

CAROLINE: That's it?

RICHARD: Well, I left out the part where she winged me with a palette knife.

CAROLINE: Richard, what are you going to do?

RICHARD: I put some Bactine on it, it'll be fine.

CAROLINE: No, I mean about Julia.

RICHARD: I am going to wait for her to realise she's overreacted, and then she'll come back to me.

CAROLINE: Okay...do you have a backup plan?

RICHARD: Caroline, before I tried it your way I had a wife to go home to. Now I'm going back to an empty apartment with three cockroaches and an expired Cup-a-Soup. [he opens the door; Annie enters with the book]

CAROLINE: But Richard, I-

RICHARD: Stay out of this, Caroline! [he exits]

ANNIE: What was that all about?

CAROLINE: Julia left Richard. I think I might have broken up their marriage!

[Annie smiles]

ANNIE: That is the first good news I've heard since the Joads found a camp with showers! Way to go, girl!

[Caroline looks shocked]

CAROLINE: No no no, I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't think I meant for this to happen. Oh my god, maybe I meant for this to happen! I sabotaged their marriage! No no no, I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't think I meant for this to happen.

ANNIE: Okay Caroline, you're in a loop. Now listen: if they're having problems this early in their marriage, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

CAROLINE: I can't stand to see Richard like this. I've got to do something.

ANNIE: You're right, you do. You do what any self-respecting woman would do. You go up there, you find that black dress that shows some skin!

CHARLIE: Judas!

DEL: Charlie, how did you find me?

CHARLIE: What do you think I am, an idiot? You told me you were playing racquetball, but then I remembered your racquet was being re-strung. So naturally I checked the pocket of your overcoat, and I discovered a prescription for allergy medication. Just as I was putting two and two together, this place called to confirm your reservation.

[Del stands up]

DEL: Alright look, I took this meeting without you because I didn't want Fogel to feel ganged up on. He's from Canada, he's used to wide open spaces.

CHARLIE: No, no, you just don't treat me as an equal.

DEL: Charlie, that's not true. Look, sit down. [Charlie remains standing] Okay, we'll both sit down. [they do so] Look Charlie, you and I bring different strengths to this company, okay? When I'm closing a deal and the client asks for coffee, I need to know the coffee's there! If you're not around, nobody's made the coffee!

CHARLIE: Why can't we trade places every once in a while? You make the coffee, and I'll do the thing you do.

DEL: Look, Fogel's going to be here any minute. The best thing you can do for this company right now is be a silent partner.

CHARLIE: Okay, okay. But can I at least hold the cellphone every once in a while?

DEL: Yeah, sure. [he gets the phone out of his pocket and gives it to Charlie] Here you go.

CHARLIE: Thank you. [he looks at it]

DEL: Alright, that's enough. [he takes it back; Mr Fogel enters] Oh, Mr Fogel! Over here!

CHARLIE: [with a bad Canadian accent] Oh hey, great to see yeeau.

FOGEL: [to Del] Interesting place. Look, I just wanted to tell you face-to-face. I had a delightful meeting with the "Garfield" folks. They came dressed as their characters.

DEL: Oh please, don't sign anything yet. Mr Fogel, let's talk. Here, try one of these Cohiba Esplendidos. [he picks up a cigar and smells it] You can suck on one of these babies 'til your dimples touch.

FOGEL: I don't smoke. Only got one lung.

[Del quickly puts out his cigar]

CHARLIE: Oh boy.

DEL: Oh boy. I'm so sorry, Mr Fogel, I never would have chosen this place if I had known. So, how did this happen? Was it an old war injury?

FOGEL: I was struck by lightning when I was a kid.

CHARLIE: You too? [Del and Mr Fogel look at him] How did it get you?

FOGEL: Holding an umbrella.

CHARLIE: Excess change in my pocket.

[Mr Fogel sits down and starts talking to Charlie; Del looks bemused]

CONCIERGE: Excuse me, can I help you, Miss?

CAROLINE: Uh, no, no, that's okay. I'm just waiting for someone.

CONCIERGE: I've noticed. For three hours. Are you a guest of the hotel?

CAROLINE: Guest? Oh yes, yes. I'm just waiting for my husband. Uh, you see, he's a very slow dresser. Can never really decide what socks to wear. [Julia enters from the elevator; Caroline stands up] Oh! Julia! [she walks over and hugs Julia]

JULIA: Caroline! Buona sera. Come stai?

CONCIERGE: Is uh, this your husband?

CAROLINE: [so Julia can't hear] Now you know why it takes him so long to get dressed.

[the concierge walks away]

JULIA: Caroline, what are you doing here?

CAROLINE: I'm here for a cartoonist seminar, over there in the uh, seminar room. Yes, it's very boring. Same old debates - Betty and Veronica, friends, lovers? So, what are you doing here?

JULIA: Oh, Richard and I had a miserable fight. [she walks over to the reception desk and gives a man her key] I'd like extra chocolates on my pillow tonight. I'm nursing a broken heart.

CAROLINE: Richard and you? I just can't imagine what you two would fight about. You seem so, uh...

JULIA: Wait a minute. I know why you're here.

CAROLINE: You do?

JULIA: You came here to meet a man! [she chuckles] A small, out of the way hotel in the middle of the afternoon. Aw, it's always the repressed ones.

CAROLINE: You know me so well.

JULIA: It is wonderful! You are over Richard.

CAROLINE: Oh, so over.

[they sit down]

JULIA: So, what is your new friend's name?

CAROLINE: Uh...uh...Steve.

JULIA: Oh. And you're meeting Steve here because...this Steve is a married man, no?

CAROLINE: No. Yes. No. I mean... [she sighs and sinks back in her chair] Does everybody know?

JULIA: Caroline, look at you! So nervous, so shaking, sneaking around. Men do not appreciate the things we do for them.

CAROLINE: Tell me about it! I bought Steve this beautiful vinyl...scarf, and I thought he looked wonderful in it, but he thought I was trying to turn him into someone else.

JULIA: Sounds just like my Richard! He has no taste in clothes either.

CAROLINE: Ugh, Steve. Everything he owns is black. He looks like a walking clarinet. But he's so sweet, and he's so sensitive. And sometimes when I watch him work, he doesn't know I'm looking, and he gets this...this look on his face...

JULIA: Oh, what kind of work does he do?

CAROLINE: He's a toll booth collector. But it means a whole lot to him!

JULIA: Oh Caroline, you love Steve. My dear child, why are you fighting over a silly scarf?

CAROLINE: Exactly. I've got to keep reminding myself that I fell in love with him for who he is, and stop trying to change him.

[pause]

JULIA: You know, Caroline...you make a good point. Steve is so lucky to have you. [she gets up] It must be very hard for you having to share him.

CAROLINE: It is.

JULIA: You should find some way to get rid of his wife. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Believe me, I've thought about it.

CHARLIE: Whoo.

DEL: Charlie, where the hell have you been?

CHARLIE: Sorry I'm late. Don and I missed the early train.

DEL: Don Fogel? Wait a minute, when we left the club last night, you guys were just going to share a cab.

CHARLIE: I know, but he wanted to see Pennsylvania. Well, just the Liberty Bell, but I knew that's where they kept it. And look at this: [he pulls up his sleeve] Matching tattoos.

DEL: Lightning bolts?

CHARLIE: Uh-huh, but don't ask Don to show you where his is. I don't want to see that again. [he picks up the coffee pot, which is full of water] Coffee seems light.

DEL: Yeah, how do you fix that?

CHARLIE: [looking in the top of the coffee machine] Add coffee. [Mr Fogel enters] Donny!

FOGEL: Ready to go?

CHARLIE: Yeah. Remember Del?

FOGEL: Do I? [Del looks confused] It's a joke! Lighten up, Cassidy. You'll live longer.

DEL: Good one, Mr Fogel. [he reaches for a chair] Here, have a seat.

FOGEL: [pointing to his butt] Can't.

DEL: Oh, right.

FOGEL: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. Why don't you bring the papers with you? We'll seal the deal over lunch.

DEL: Great! So, can I go over any of the finer points with you?

FOGEL: No, I think Charlie's got it covered.

DEL: Yeah, yeah, I guess he does.

CHARLIE: Hey, you know what? You should really talk to Del about the finer points. He's the one with the business sense. [he gives Mr Fogel a contract]

DEL: Hey, it's alright, Charlie. This is yours. We work as a team.

[Mr Fogel gives the contract back to Charlie]

FOGEL: Fax a copy of this to my lawyer. Come on, Charlie, I want to see Rhode Island!

DEL: Hold on a sec. [he gets a cellphone from the desk and gives it to Charlie] Here you go, partner.

CHARLIE: Thank you. [he gives Del the contract] See ya.

[they exit]

ANNIE: This book is unbelievable. The characters are so real, it's like I'm living it!

CAROLINE: I'm so glad you liked it.

ANNIE: [teary] Liked it? I'm a wreck! It's going to take six "People" magazines and a box of Hi-Hos to get over this. [she walks over and opens the door; Richard is there] Don't start with me, I'm getting over a novel. [she exits]

RICHARD: It reads.

CAROLINE: So Richard, I kinda thought you weren't coming in today.

RICHARD: Why would you think that?

CAROLINE: Well, you seemed pretty upset when you left yesterday. How are things with you and Julia?

RICHARD: Julia came home last night.

CAROLINE: Really? That's wonderful.

RICHARD: Mm-hmm. And you know what's even more wonderful? She came back on her own, just like I knew she would.

CAROLINE: Huh. Well, what's important is everything worked out okay.

RICHARD: No, what's important is that I was right, and your advice was wrong.

CAROLINE: Well, not necessarily wrong...

RICHARD: You can't even admit it, can you? That I was right and you were wrong.

CAROLINE: [unsure] Sure I can admit it.

RICHARD: Okay, then say it. 'I was wrong and Richard was right.'

CAROLINE: Oh, you don't really want me to say it!

RICHARD: 'I was wrong and Richard was right.'

CAROLINE: [giving him a look] I was wrong and Richard was right.

RICHARD: 'And I will never again meddle in Richard's personal life.'

CAROLINE: Don't you think-

RICHARD: 'And I will never again meddle in Richard's personal life.'

CAROLINE: I will never again meddle in Richard's personal life.

RICHARD: Very good. [he holds up a piece of paper and a pen] Here, if you could just sign on the dotted line.

CAROLINE: Don't you think that's a little childish-

RICHARD: Caroline, just a simple signature will do. [Caroline sighs, then signs it] There you go. That's it. [he turns the page] Can you also just initial that? [Caroline smiles despite herself, then pushes him away] Alright, okay, fine, I know, I know. Look, just to show you there's no hard feelings, maybe Saturday night, you, me, Julia, we could get some dinner.

CAROLINE: That sounds great.

RICHARD: Great. Bring along your boyfriend Steve.

[Caroline looks surprised]

CAROLINE: Uh, hello. Can I help you?

MAN: Caroline, it's me, Steve!

[Caroline looks confused]

CAROLINE: Who?

MAN: Oh Caroline, don't do this to me. I just left my wife for you!

[Caroline turns and looks at Richard, who has a huge smile on his face. She shuts the door and walks over to him with her hands on her hips.]