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Tikka To Ride
Series 7, Episode 1
Lister: (talking to camera) Hello, testing 1, 2, 3. Hello. Yeees! Here we go. Ship's Log erm
... one! I've decided to keep a journal of life on board ship and send it off in a probe. Since
turning 28 I feel a new maturity about myself. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I
tried to urinate on Rimmer from the top of D deck. No, wait a minute, Friday. But apart from
that one lapse, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with Abe Lincoln and Moses. Now, just
recently, we came across a craft piloted by ourselves from 15 years into the future. We had a
bit of an argument, and they attacked us. See attached.
(Clip from Out of Time, series 6, episode 6)
Lister: We were no match. They killed us. Te! And destroyed everything on the ship,
including the time drive. Which meant there was no time drive for them to have in the future,
to bring back into the past to destroy the future of their past selves in the present. Put simply
by killing us they killed themselves because once we were dead it was impossible for us to
become them in the future and return in time to kill ourselves in the past even though it was the
present. (camera explodes) Smeg!
Kryten: Have you been trying to explain about our future selves again sir?
Lister: I just thought I'd give it one more go.
Kryten: Oh, that's the third camera this week, the machines just can't take it, sir.
Lister: But I want to try and explain why Starbug's damaged as part of the time line being
erased, 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies have emerged from both dimensions to cope
with the paradox.
Kryten: Garbled, confusing and quite frankly duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air
Belgium. Now just state our position and explain we're down on supplies.
Lister: all right, all right.
(Camera flicks on)
Lister: This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle starbug. We're down on supplies, we
need help, out. (camera flicks off)
(Camera flicks on again)
Lister: By the way we're in space. We just past a sort of reddy moon a couple of days ago.
Coordinates enclosed. It's about that shape (he makes a circle with his fingers). You can't
miss it.
Lister: Ships log update, Friday AM. The battle with our future selves has had the most
terrible consequences.
Lister: Wiped out? Kryten man, they can't be.
Kryten: I'm afraid so sir. The laser cannon breached the main water tank and flooded supply
deck B. They didn't stand a chance.
Lister: Yeah, but sur...
Kryten: There was nothing we could do to save them, sir.
Lister: So you mean, now we've got no popadoms at all?
Kryten: No popadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.
Lister: I'll have to survive without them then. I'll have salads.
Kryten: Sir, you're in shock, you don't know what you're saying.
Lister: It's only curry.
Kryten: Only curry! The enormity hasn't sunk in. You must mourn sir, don't you see you must
mourn.
Lister: Curries!
Kryten: Oh, sir, get it out, cry like a baby.
Lister: What am I gunna do. Curry night was the one little beacon I had. Made me feel like a
normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space. No woman, no hope, no curry.
Kryten: and worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Chinzano bianco or Advaca.
It's a human tragedy.
Lister: No lager?
Kryten: Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.
Lister: No lager!
Kryten: All the supplies on B deck were destroyed, sir, there wasn't even any wreckage, no
debris, zip!
Lister: A few beers and a curry. It was the highlight of my week.
Kryten: I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. Seeing your little face all happy and
smiling. Come rain or shine we always made time for curry night, every Friday.
Lister: Saturday.
Kryten: Sunday.
Lister: Tuesday.
Kryten: Wednesday.
Lister: And Thursday. Always the same meal, 3 popadoms with mango chutney.
Kryten: Those little onions.
Lister: Dill pickle.
Kryten: That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out.
Lister: And that weird red stuff that no one knows what it is.
Kryten: Then a shami kebab starter.
Lister: Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on standby.
Kryten: Two scoops of coffee ice-cream
Lister: And two indigestion tablets. Oh, life without curry! It's like Laurel without Hardy, the
lone ranger without, that Indian bloke.
Kryten: Sir, perhaps you could learn to love pasta.
Lister: Pasta? Are you sick?
Lister: You heard the news? All the curry supplies have destroyed.
Cat and Rimmer: We heard.
Rimmer: As a mark of respect we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a minutes
flatulence.
Lister: It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries were my life.
Kryten: Sirs, the altercation with our future selves caused anomalies which have expanded the
cargo deck by 212%. We should ascertain that the new structure is stable.
Cat: So let me get this straight. Time has returned to the point we discovered the time machine,
right? So what's to stop us going back on board the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over
again?
Rimmer: We have to avoid all forms of time travel. It's the only way of breaking our destiny
line and assuring we don't end up like our future selves.
Lister: Yeah, but surely we can use the time drive if we're careful. You know, if don't abuse it
like our future selves did. You know, if we're sensible and mature
Rimmer: And do what?
Lister: Go back in time to an Indian takeaway and order 500 curries.
Kryten: Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic and preposterous.
Cat: All your hallmarks, Bud
Lister: Look, one really big takeaway order once every 2 years and our problems are over.
Cat: Your problems are over, are problems are just beginning.
Kryten: What about causality? Interfering with the past, no matter how minutely always alters
the present. Cause and effect!
Lister: Look I'm a curryaholic. I've only got 2 taste buds that work. I need curry!
Rimmer: We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the time drive stays where it is.
Cat: You know I'd rather wear sideways pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree
with goal post head, but this time he's right.
Lister: Oh, OK, OK.
Kryten: Since that completes the D deck inspection, sirs, permission to off-line for the next 12
hours while I discard some old cache files.
Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of
sheep!
Kryten: My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to sing the Bay City
Rollers greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye
Baby" is more than sufficient.
Lister: This cleaning thing, how does it work, exactly?
Kryten: I simply attach my RAM to the ships computer, and download the unwanted files into
its trash file.
Lister: Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your body, then?
Kryten: Why do you ask?
Lister: Just interested. Robotics - fascinating, isn't it?
(Lister gets up in the night holding a plastic carrier bag. He removes Kryten's head and
replaces it with spare head 2)
Kryten: By heavens, I'm head head!
Lister: Shhhh. This is only temporary.
Kryten: I don't understand.
Lister: Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said no way. What do you
say?
Kryten: I can't go behind Kryten's head. What would he say if he found out. It's deceitful,
wrong and dishonest. I'm in. Those are emotion I've longed to experience. But first you'll
have to override my guilt chip and disable my behavior protocols.
Lister: OK, show me how.
Kryten: Press the skull release catch behind right ear.
(Lister opens Kryten's head and props up the lid with its little stand)
Lister: OK, here we go.
Kryten: My guilt chip. No behavior protocols. Just call me bad ass!
Lister: Hey, that smells good, what's for breaky?
Kryten: Waffles, sir, dripping in honey and jam, with 3 fried eggs on the side, coated with
cheese.
Cat: That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!
Kryten: Healthy? Who cares! Pork away!
(Kryten stirs their milkshakes with a whisk fitted to his groinal attachment)
Lister: So, erm, Kryten, now that you've had time to think, what about that curry hunt to the
23rd century?
Kryten: Oh I meant to mention that, yes, I overreacted yesterday, on reflection I think it'd be
quite safe.
Cat: Safe?
Rimmer: What about causality?
Kryten: Causality, well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes you've
just got to say the laws of time and space, who gives a smeg!
Lister: I think what Kryten's trying to say is ...
(As he is speaking Kryten puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights up)
Cat: You're smoking!
Kryten: Oh, is my generator over heating again?
Rimmer: A cigarette!
Kryten: Do you want one?
Rimmer: Of course I don't want one.
Kryten: Do you want me to go outside?
Lister: I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's OK to go back in time and order a small
portion of vindaloo to go, isn't that right?
(Kryten slings his groinal attachment over his shoulder.
Kryten: You bet your ass!
Lister: OK, so lets navigate those reality bubbles and do it. Kryten, can I have a word. (Lister
drags Kryten out by his groinal attachment)
Lister: What is wrong with you? You don't smoke, you never say bet your ass, and you never
use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's milkshakes.
Kryten: I didn't get any error commands.
Lister: Because you've got no behavior protocols you spammy! Now get a grip or we'll be
rumbled. (Kryten's whisk starts going. Lister walks off)
Kryten: So uptight! (Kryten takes a bottle and starts drinking)
(The crew go out to get the time drive. Kryten is humming)
Rimmer: What is wrong with that demented talkatoy now?
Lister: He's just got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only temporary.
Hey Mr. Time Drive. OK Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori restaurant behind the JMC
building in London. Back table, quiet.
Kryten: I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls.
Rimmer: But you've used it before.
Kryten: Have I? (Lister elbows him) Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry, stupid of me. Just
programming it now, matey boy.
(Clip of JFK, then of Lee Harvey Oswald taking out a gun and getting ready to shoot. He
shoots twice, then the Red Dwarf crew beam in and Lister falls back and knocks him out of the
window)
Rimmer: Nice landing, Kryten. That was about as smooth as Egyptian whisky.
Kryten: Oh, apologies, sir, I'm er, I'm not sure what I did then.
Lister: This isn't right. Where are we?
Kryten: Well, according to the time drive the date is November the 22nd 1963, and we're in the
city of Dallas.
Cat: How come? Gimme that thing. I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes
to these kind of gizmos. (He knocks the time drive on the window just as Lee Harvey Oswald
is trying to climb up and crushes Lee Harvey Oswald's fingers) Yep, Dallas, '63, no doubt
about it.
Lister: Dallas. Wasn't that that place where that American King got assassinated?
Rimmer: (Quickly) JFK.
Lister: No, it was John something, not Jeff K!
Rimmer: J F K, not Jeff K you gimboid, like the airport. I did a paper on him at school.
Lister: I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?!
Rimmer: The airport was named after the president.
Lister: Right.
(Clip of Lee Harvey Oswald climbing along the windowsill outside)
Cat: Where did this gunman dude shoot from exactly, anyway?
Kryten: Well if my histo-chip serves me correctly the gunman's location was in the Texas Book
Depository. (Kryten notices a stack of boxes behind them marked "Texas Book Depository")
(Lee Harvey Oswald pulls a piece of cable from the wall and ties it around waist, using it like a
safety rope. He then edges back along the windowsill)
Rimmer: It was probably from this very window!
Lister: What, do you reckon? (He opens the window and looks out, just as Lee Harvey Oswald
climbs in through the other one in the same room. He attempts to untie himself from his safety
rope)
Lister: Hey what's this? (Lister starts to pull the other end of Lee Harvey Oswald's safety rope,
which is still hooked around Lee Harvey Oswald's foot. In shot now is Lister pulling the wire
and Lee Harvey Oswald trying to stop himself being pulled out of the window) Hey, there's
someone on the end of this, give us a hand.
Lister: Pull!
(Lee Harvey Oswald falls out of the window, and the Red Dwarf crew drop the rope, still not
realizing what's just happened. They look out of the window)
Lister: Hey, what's going on down there. What are all those people doing gathered round that
giant pizza?
Kryten: That is not a giant pizza, sir.
Lister: It's 8 foot across, man. You don't think that's giant? What kind of pizza house have
you been going to, the fat basteria?
Cat: Hey, look at this, (He holds Lee Harvey Oswald's gun) I think we just pulled the gunman
out of the window!
FBI1: FBI! Drop the gun.
Cat: Don't shoot.
FBI1: Hands on heads.
(Cat puts his hands on his nob!)
FBI1: You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly tried to
foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to Mr. Oswald the president is alive but
wounded.
FBI2: What is that, some kind of weapon? (He looks at the time drive) Kick it over here.
(Kryten presses some buttons with his foot and the crew beam around the room, before
beaming out)
Lister: Nice one, Kryt.
Rimmer: Where are we?
Kryten: (Looking at the time drive) It says 1966. I must have prodded us forward 3 years.
Rimmer: At least it'll give us time to analyze the original error.
(Cat looks out of the window)
Cat: Hey, there's nobody here. The entire city's deserted.
(In the street)
Lister: I don't understand it. All we did was save Kennedy's life.
Cat: Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?
Rimmer: He was a fine man.
(Later...)
Cat: Look! (He points at a dead man lying on the ground)
Lister: Can you get anything for us from his scent?
Cat: (Sniffing the man) Male! Mid-thirties!
Kryten: (Picks up a newspaper) Just processing. I'll play the results through my chest monitor.
Kryten: President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia boss Sam
Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history. Kennedy was sentenced to 3 years
in an open prison in July '65. J. Edgar Hoover became president. He was forced to run by the
mob who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy.
Lister: So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?
Kryten: Soon after his election the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base in Cuba in
return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the states. With a Soviet nuclear base
30 miles from the US mainland people fled from all the major cities.
Cat: So am I right in thinking there's a chance I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit, because I'm telling you guys that stuff does not dry-clean.
Rimmer: Back to Starbug.
Kryten: Starbug isn't there, it doesn't exist.
Cat: What?
Rimmer: How come?
Kryten: Best guess Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatized the American nation, allowing
the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the
first to land on the moon.
Cat: So we're marooned?
Lister: How was I supposed to know a chicken vindaloo was gonna cause all this?
Cat: But you guys said Kennedy was a great prez.
Kryten: He was!
Rimmer: He was also an inveterate womanizer. His affairs were legendary. They never came
out when he was alive.
Kryten: Every man has his weak spot, his Achilles heel.
Rimmer: Kennedy's was just higher up.
Lister: If I knew this was going to happen, I'd have had an egg sarny and finished the
Chinzano. Kryten, what have I done, man?
Kryten: Well, you've brought the 20th Century to the very brink of extinction, sir. Gum?
Lister: What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much
warmth as a service station chip. That's right, you've got no behavior protocols, have you?
Rimmer: And you thought causality didn't matter. Every action we take, has trillions of
implications, how come you forgot that?
Kryten: Oh, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't care. I've got no guilt!
Lister: Aah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2. I removed his guilt chip.
Rimmer: You have altered the entire course of civilization from the 20th Century onwards.
You brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all...
Lister: I know, I know, I still haven't had a curry!
Kryten: No, worst of all the time drive has frozen.
Rimmer: Let me see. Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the
transponder calibrations and caused a major tacion surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
Kryten: Er, no sir, I've just been jabbing it too hard.
Cat: So what now?
Rimmer: We need to have time to work out how to unfreeze it. I suggest we set up camp here
for the night and Kryten can go and look for some food.
Kryten: I'm on my way, sir.
(The crew sit around a camp fire. Lister and Cat are eating)
Rimmer: It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped.
Cat: Chicken's good!
Lister: Yeah, yeah pretty good.
Kryten: That's not chicken, sirs.
Cat: What is it?
Kryten: It's that man we found.
Lister: What?
Kryten: Well, it seemed such a waste just to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue so
beautifully.
(Rimmer sniggers evilly. Lister and Cat slowly spit out the human meat)
Kryten: Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands. Obviously I thought about it
because without my guilt chip or moral imperatives I had nothing to guide me. But it seemed
to me that if humans eat chicken, then obviously they'd eat their own species, otherwise they'd
just be picking on the chickens.
Rimmer: One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.
Lister: I just said I was enjoying that!
Cat: I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my God!
Lister: I'm a cannibal!
(The time drive beeps into action)
Rimmer: Look!
Cat: Right, let's get out of here, I badly need to floss a piece of roasted dead person out of my
teeth.
Rimmer: Where to?
Kryten: Hawaii, let's catch some surf!
Lister: No, no, we've gotta go back and stop ourselves interfering with the assassination.
Cat: I don't care where we go, as long as it's before we had dinner!
(The Red Dwarf crew sit in the Texas Book Depository playing cards as Lee Harvey Oswald
walks in, carrying the gun)
Cat: Decorators. Try up on the 6th floor.
(Oswald leaves)
(Oswald gets his gun out and aims)
Kryten: Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they realize their
mistake they'll beam out again. I propose we go down to the 4th.
(The crew arrive at the 4th floor. A gun shot is heard)
Lister: First shot!
(They run to the window)
Cat: It doesn't smell right. I think he's missed.
Rimmer: How come?
Kryten: He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the 6th we've made the trajectory of his shot
so steep he's only wounded him.
Rimmer: Let's start again, and bring him back down to the 5th.
Lister: We can't use the 5th. Our original selves are destined to beam in there as he fires his
third shot, and this version of us is now on the 4th.
Cat: We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl scratching her butt!
Lister: If we could arrange somehow for a second gunman to fire from behind that little hill
over there covered in knoll.
Kryten: You mean the grassy knoll?
Lister: Yeah, that'd solve it, wouldn't it.
Cat: Shoot the prez? Who?
Rimmer: You can count me out.
Cat: And me.
Lister: Hang on, maybe, just maybe, there's someone who can get us out of this mess.
Rimmer: Where are we going?
Lister: Idlewild Airport, July '65.
(The crew beam out)
(At the airport, JFK steps into a van accompanied by two police officers)
Lister: This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover Open Prison open prison in New York.
Give me 5 minutes.
(Lister beams into the van)
Lister: Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tail to tell.
JFK: I have had plenty of time to reflect on my days in the White House. In all important
respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan a pull out at Vietnam, to fight for civil
right, and to fight congress to put a man on the moon. It was wrong, however, to act like an
irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies to reek havoc on our nation.
Lister: But I can help, man. I mean Mr. President, man. I mean sir.
JFK: How the hell can you help?
Lister: Well come with us back to Dallas in November '63. Be a second gunman - the gunman
behind the grassy knoll.
JFK: You mean, assassinate myself?
Lister: Yeah, it'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but, they'll never figure it out.
JFK: But I still have a future here. Jackie left me, but when I get out I can still make a
contribution to the world.
Lister: See this airport - Idlewild Airport - in our reality they renamed it JFK - after you.
Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person you should be, but if you're
gonna be that person, you're gonna have to sacrifice your life.
JFK: And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
Lister: Yeah, and I can get a smeggin' curry!
JFK: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
Lister: Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.
JFK: It did.
(JFK kills himself)
JFK: I thank you all for giving me the opportunity to be reborn.
(He walks off, and vanishes)
Lister: Smeg, I forgot to ask if there were any curry houses in Dallas.
(The rest of the crew walk towards him, then beat him up!)
*********************************
Transcribed by Androo Lulham, copious spelling errors corrected and Americanization by John Wright.
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