EXT DAY FIELD
Two college-age men, TONY, 19, and JAY, 19, stand in the middle of a field facing a large weeping willow tree which looms in the distance.
JAY Recording. TONY Woah. What’s that. JAY I don’t know. TONY Um...I think its, like, a bird. JAY I don’t know. It doesn’t look like a bird to me. That’s a bird.Jay points to the sky toward a bird he sees flying by.
TONY Look. Its got, like, big wings on it. Its got feathers.Jay’s attention is still directed toward the bird he sees. Oblivious to Tony, he begins to walk toward the bird.
TONY Hey...come back here.Half-heartedly, Jay returns.
JAY Birrrrd. TONY Look at all those feathers on it. JAY Those aren’t feathers. TONY They’re not? JAY No. TONY What are they? JAY I don’t know.There is an thoughtful silence for a moment.
JAY Maybe we should use our scientist intellect and find out. TONY Okay. Uh...With his hand, Tony wafts fumes from the tree toward his face where he proceeds to smell them.
TONY Hey...do you know what that smells like? JAY What? TONY Uh, like...a bird. JAY Its not a bird. TONY Maybe there’s birds in it.Jay follows Tony’s lead and wafts tree fumes from his hand into his nose where he studies them.
TONY See? JAY You’re right. Its a bird. TONY That’s a big bird.Jay suddenly turns and glances behind him. Whatever it is that catches his eye beckons him, and he begins walking away again.
TONY Jay?Jay stops in his tracks and looks at Tony.
TONY What are you doing?Jay snaps out of it and returns his attention to the tree. Suddenly, Jay’s arms spring out like huge, triumphant wings.
JAY BIRD!Jay puts his arms down again. The moment has passed.
TONY Maybe its one of those talking birds like on Sesame Street. JAY Maybe. I’ve never seen a talking bird before. TONY Didn’t you ever watch Sesame Street? JAY There was a talking bird on Sesame Street? TONY There was this big bird. And his name was Big Bird. JAY They just called it Big Bird. TONY But it was a rather large bird. JAY It was a tree.Tony does a double-take on the comment.
TONY What???Jay begins jumping up and down in excitement like a giddy schoolgirl.
JAY Big Bird was a tree! TONY A tree. JAY Yeah. TONY Hey...y’know what? JAY What? TONY I’ve heard of those. JAY Yeah? TONY Maybe that’s what this is. JAY Nah, its a bird. It smells like a bird. TONY It is? JAY It smells like a bird. TONY What do birds smell like?Something, possibly the same something, catches Jay’s eye again. He begins to wander off, half aware of what he’s saying.
JAY It smells like...like...like a bird...Tony notices Jay wandering off again.
TONY Jay?Jay snaps back to attention before he wanders too far away.
JAY Huh? TONY What are you doing? JAY Oh...I thought I saw something. TONY Oh. No.Jay returns, again, to viewing the tree. There is momentary silence.
JAY Maybe we should approach it. TONY Perhaps. JAY Let’s approach it.Jay walks toward the camera. He picks it up and begins walking with it. Jay grunts.
JAY Let’s bring them along. TONY Okay.Suddenly, Tony loses all of his grip on speech and rational thought.
TONY Now approaching the camera. Err...now approaching the bird. Or tree...or whatever the hell it is. JAY He thinks its a tree. I think its a bird. TONY I used to think it was a bird, but now...my higher intellect and knowledge has, like, told me otherwise.The tree is very close now.
JAY I think we can put it down now.They set the camera down.
TONY Let’s...uh...do you think its safe to go near it? JAY I don’t know. Stay back man. I got more meat on me.Jay begins his perilous journey toward the tree, leaving Tony behind. The harsh terrain causes him to momentarily lose balance. Jay turns around to reassure Tony that his Boy Scout life saving skills will not be needed today.
JAY I’m okay.Jay makes it to the base of the tree in one piece. He begins to more closely examine.
TONY Does it still smell like a bird? JAY No. TONY Oh. JAY It smells like a lizard. TONY No. Lizards are smaller. JAY Lizards are smaller? TONY Yeah.Jay turns and looks at the tree again, then turning toward Tony. He holds his hands apart in the width he deems the size of a lizard.
JAY Like this big? TONY A little bigger.Jay widens the distance between his hands.
TONY Yeah. JAY Lizards are like this? TONY Yeah.Jay puts his hands down, and turns around to look at the tree. Tony, the wimpier of the two, feels safe now and joins the valiant Jay at the base of the tree.
JAY (mumbling unintelligibly)Tony bends over and picks up something off of the ground. It is a crushed beer can.
TONY Hey...do you know what it is? JAY What?Tony shows Jay the beer can.
TONY Its a frat guy! JAY A frat guy!Jay takes the can and shows it to the viewing audience.
JAY Clue number one.Jay turns it on several sides so that everyone can get a good look at it. Then he chucks it back into the weeds. Somewhere, church bells start ringing.
TONY Now...so, here we are. This is a frat guy... JAY Maybe...if we leave it alone... TONY Yeah? JAY ...it’ll, like...move. TONY Maybe, if we try talking to it, it’ll talk to us. Do you know how to talk like a frat guy? JAY Uh...Jay looks around disdainfully.
JAY No. TONY Oh. JAY Shit. TONY Well, maybe if we try talking to it like something else... JAY Let’s try talking to it like a bird. You know the bird calls. TONY I do! JAY You know all the bird calls. TONY I’m trained in the art of bird calling.Jay turns and starts walking away from the tree to a place where he won’t be seen.
JAY You know all the bird calls. Like...that one... bird...call... TONY I’m going to try to call it. JAY Okay. You try calling it. TONY Alright. JAY Try calling it. TONY Alright. JAY See if it comes. TONY I’m going to call it. JAY Okay. What are you going to call it? TONY Um...a bird. JAY Okay. I’m going to go over there. TONY Okay. JAY I will be right back. TONY Okay. Hey...there’s another beer bottle.Jay begins walking off screen, and at the last moment he dives off, grunting in pain.
JAY Arrghhhh... TONY I think it really is a frat guy. JAY What?Jay straightens himself up and returns to find what Tony is talking about.
TONY There’s another beer bottle. I think it really is a frat guy.Jay inspects the site of the found beer bottle. He stops short.
JAY I’m not going back there. TONY It is another frat bottle...I mean, beer bottle. JAY Beer bot-tle. TONY Yeah. JAY I’m going to go over there. TONY Okay. I’m going to try calling it.Jay goes flying offscreen once again, grunting.
TONY I’m going to try calling it. Are you ready?Jay, controlling the camera, makes it nod yes. Tony turns toward the tree and puts his hands to his mouth to amplify his voice.
TONY (shouting at tree) HEY BIRD!!!He pauses momentarily.
TONY (shouting at tree again) HEY BIRD!!! JAY Its not working. TONY I don’t think its a bird. JAY Well if its not a bird, what is it? See, look...feathers.Jay places one of the tree’s leaves in front of the camera. He points it at Tony as if to prod him with it.
TONY Those are peas. JAY Tickle.Tony turns his attention back to the tree at hand.
JAY These are not peas. These are, like... TONY (shouting at tree) HEY BIRD!!! JAY They’re carrots, dude!Tony turns around, suddenly, eyes wide open in shock of this new discovery.
TONY They are? JAY This is a carrot!Tony races from the base of the tree towards the camera. He examines the leaf closely.
TONY By god... JAY ...its a carrot!Tony, awestruck by the discovery, takes it into his hand and puts it into his mouth to taste it.
TONY Eatin’ a carrot. JAY Do you see any better?Tony, surprised by the question, thinks for a moment. He proceeds to take his glasses off.
TONY My Lord...its a miracle... JAY Oh my God! TONY I can see! JAY It really IS a carrot! TONY Hey, maybe now that I can see better, I can call it...Suddenly, Jay runs toward the tree, exuberant in a moment of clarity and inspiration. He throws his arms into the air.
JAY You’re a Carrot-Bird! A... Carrot.....Bird!!! God...God...Jay sinks to his knees, only to rise once again.
JAY Finally...in all my years...Jay begins to cry, as a grown man shouldn’t.
TONY Hey...Tony walks toward the tree again to join Jay, who turns around to face Tony.
TONY
Let’s kick it.
JAY
(suddenly much calmer)
Why are you...kicking the
sacred Carrot-Bird.
TONY
I didn’t. Yet. But I think
we should. Maybe it’ll do
something. ...give us some
ice cream...
Jay begins walking away.
JAY I’m going to get a running start. TONY Yeah...me too.Tony walks off to the other side of the tree, just offscreen.
TONY I’ll come from this side, you come from that side. Ready? JAY Ready... TONY One...two...three...GO!The two race in from their respective sides. Tony begins kicking the tree repeatedly, while Jay tries a different approach and tackles it, ultimately falling on his bum. Jay grunts some more.
JAY Dude, it attacked me. TONY (still kicking) No! Stop attacking Jay!They continue kicking it until, exhausted, the two stop.
TONY I think we killed it.Jay, out of breath and panting, begins to sob violently.
TONY I think we defeated the sacred Carrot-Bird.Jay’s sobs become more violent, and Tony goes to his side to comfort him, putting his hand on Jay’s shoulder. They walk away from the tree.
TONY There there...its all right, I’m here for ya.Jay’s sobs become louder and more anguished.
TONY I know you’ve just had quite a scare...but its all right. Its over now.Jay’s hysterics reach an all time high with an eardrum-shattering bit of crying.
TONY No, really, man, its all right... JAY Oh.There is a momentary silence.
JAY I don’t think its a bird. TONY Yeah. JAY It fought like a hippo. TONY Shut up. Hippos are not native to this part of the country. JAY Are you sure? TONY Yeah. JAY How do you know? TONY Uh... JAY Have you ever met a hippo? TONY Uhhh......yeah! JAY Then they WOULD be native to this part of the country, wouldn’t they? TONY Uh, I was somewhere else. JAY Um....oh. Now what? TONY See...look at it. Its dead. JAY Its not dead. TONY Its, um...it looks less healthy than it did before we came over here. JAY That’s because it had more carrots on it. TONY Oh. JAY Unless these aren’t carrots.The rustling sound of branches can be heard, and a leaf falls into the frame.
JAY See, I pull one off, and another one falls. TONY I think it is dead. Its giving out more carrots than it needs to. JAY No, man. This can’t be hap-pbbth-pbbth... TONY This can’t be hap-pbbth- pbbth? JAY This can’t be happening, man.There is a long pause.
JAY Maybe we should sing to it. TONY Yeah. JAY Good idea? TONY Yeah. JAY Okay. ...you go ahead.They start snapping their fingers. Jay begins skipping and twirling toward the tree. A very loud plane begins flying overhead as they dance and prance around.
TONY Um, how about...some old old time rockin’ standards... that’ll make you dance... “When that clock strikes... ‘round that six, babe,” JAY HEY! TONY “Time to head for... golden light...” JAY Bah bah bah... TONY and JAY “Da da da dahh....da da da dahhh...da da da dahhhh... its Mack the Kniiiiiife/ its Mac Toniiiight...” JAY Now wait. You were singin’ something. And I was singin’ something else. TONY You were singing the McDonalds version. JAY I was singing the McDonald’s version... TONY ...and I was singing the original version. JAY There’s an original version? TONY Yes. Do you actually think McDonalds would come up with something on their own?Tony stares at Jay and shakes his head back and forth, lettin’ all that hair flop around like a big head of floppy hair.
TONY Nooooo. JAY Who do you think came up with the Big Mac? TONY Like, a big guy...named Mac.Jay stomps toward the tree. He kicks it again, grumbling. Suddenly, for Jay does nothing gradually, he begins ranting and raving at Tony, pointing fingers and appendages in all directions. Tony slowly begins walking toward Jay as he does this.
JAY YOU! That’s why! I’m not accredited anywhere because of YOU. You’re loading me down with all this...flim-flam...about “creativity”...and “coolness”... and...and “intelligence.” I’m tired of this crap, man...Jay wipes his eye, calming.
JAY ...I’m tired of it... TONY I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.Tony turns from Jay to the tree.
JAY Its okay, man...I was just worried. It attacked me, man.They shake hands.
TONY Its okay man. JAY It might be dead, but it tried to attack me. Sorry. TONY Sorry. JAY (to camera) Sorry. TONY So it might be dead?Tony grabs one of the limbs and begins shaking it.
JAY I don’t know. I mean, it didn’t do anything when we sung to it. TONY Yeah, and we sung pretty good too. JAY Yeah, we did. TONY I mean, most people would have the politeness to applaud a little bit...Tony grabs the tree’s limb again, shaking it. Some dead branches fall from the tree.
TONY You know...shake a limb, make some sticks fall...show a little appreciation... JAY You’re killing it. TONY Its already DEAD. That’s my point. JAY How do you know its dead? TONY Cuz you just said it didn’t respond when we sang to it.Jay looks up into the tree.
JAY Do you know what this is? TONY What? JAY ITS A CARROT-BIRD!!!Tony is unimpressed. Jay is triumphant.
TONY Yeah...Jay tilts his head back in ecstacy, throwing his arms toward the sky.
JAY CARROT...BIRD...at last...Tony mimics Jay’s outlandish self, and throws his arms up in a winglike fashion.
TONY CARROT...BIR-duh...Jay stops.
JAY That didn’t feel right. TONY Nah. Let’s start again. JAY Ready...one...two...three... JAY and TONY CARROT....BIRD.... JAY At lassss-t-ah... TONY It is....ALIIIVE... JAY What do you think? TONY Maybe. JAY I don’t know.Jay walks over to the left side of the tree. Tony walks to the right side, grabs a think branch, and pulls it with him as he walks.
JAY Woah... TONY What? JAY There’s, like, blood back here. TONY Really? JAY Yeah. TONY Then it must be alive. But I can’t see. Oh yeah I can because I ate a lot of carrots, so now I have really good eyesight. JAY Well, maybe you should go put on your glasses just in case, because...Tony lets go of the tree limb, which goes smacking into the cold, hard earth.
TONY I can’t. Because I threw my glasses over there...and I can’t see where they are.Jay goes running toward where Tony pointed to to help him find the glasses. As Jay looks in the other direction, Tony shows the camera that, in fact, he has had his glasses all this time, and that now he is playing a bit of a trick on our friend Jay, who is having a bit of difficult time trying to find said pair of glasses.
JAY Um...um...wait a minute... TONY What’s the matter, Jay? JAY (unintelligible mutterings)Tony smiles in a dastardly manner while Jay continues to fish for the glasses he will never find.
JAY Be very very quiet... DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!Jay walks away, defeated. Tony, avoiding Jay’s direct gaze, walks straight toward the camera, smiling into it, his glasses on display for all to see.
JAY Do you know what this MEANS? TONY Uh-uh.Tony turns around to meet the gaze of Jay, who’s jaw drops open speechless when he looks up.
JAY Ah.....wha....where were they? TONY (fiendishly) You’ll never know. JAY Ah.Jay pantomimes putting something into his shirt pocket, figuring out what has happened.
TONY Only me and my trusty friend the AF hi-fi stereo precision CCD will know.Jay comes bounding toward the camera.
JAY Ehh...this is, like, what the answer is...isn’t this, like, what it is? TONY “F=6.2...” JAY something... TONY ...something...”62 millimeter... 1 dot dot 1.6”... JAY ...uh... TONY ...uh... JAY No, this is it. This is it. This... TONY “Sony Video...” JAY “Sow-knee....vid...vid...vid-ee...” TONY Video. JAY “Vi-dee-oh...” TONY “...lens...” divided by auto- focus...equals... JAY "F."Tony gasps.
TONY Do you know what? JAY What? TONY Sony Video Lens divided by auto-focus...do you know what that equals? JAY What? TONY A tree.Jay turns around to look at the tree.
TONY Could this be a clue?
Hold your breath, Carrot-Bird Fan...
The rest of the script will be up in a jiffy.
Go play with your Carrot-Bird Action Figures whilst you wait