Teen Look: Is this really your hotel?
Tony Paglia: Jay, you want to take this one, or should I?
Jay Turner: (laughing) Run with it, man.
TP: Thanks, boss. Technically, no, this is not our hotel. However, on this tour,
our manager hooked us up a deal that involves us having to stay at every Econo-Zort around
the country. In exchange for free accomodations and all the room service we can eat, unfortunately
we had to do some, ahem, commercials endorsing their chain (whispers) which we weren't paid for.
And don't print that. (normal tone) Anyway, without those commercials I have a feeling Econo-Zort
would be out of business. Call me arrogant, call me egotistical, but the way I see it, if you
don't have commercials, no one's gonna know you exist. Since we're in the commercials, I feel
confident in making the bold declaration that they'd be nowhere without us. So, yeah, it's
kind of like it belongs to us. Only we don't see a cent. Ever. And we can't complain about the
fact that the food sucks.
JT: (laughing) Actually, these little weenies are pretty good.
TL: Mmmmm. Weenies. I'd like to try some!
JT: Here, try some.
TP: No weenie jokes in the article! Got that, Clarence? (Tony wonders off to try
unsuccessfully to climb a nearby plastic palm tree)
TL: These are pretty good! What sort of thing do you guys like to eat when you're on
the road?
JT: I'm partial to beef scallopini, myself.
TP (yelling over from the palm tree): When I'm in Wisconsin, I never miss the fine
milkshakes. In Texas, the chili grows finer than anywhere I've been. But the best part of traveling
is knowing that no matter where I go, just a few more miles down the road there's a Stuckey's with those
unrefrigerated vacu-sealed ham slices that they have right next to the Christian romance novels.
TL: Do you enjoy those romance novels?
JT: Actually, Tony wrote most of them.
TP: Hey, back off, man. I have to do that to pay my way through college! It's either
that or telemarketing.
TL: Our sources say that you've dabbled in a bit of telemarketing as well!
TP: Now look here, Clarabelle, this is supposed to be an interview, not "This is Your Life!"
The next thing you know, those Teamsters are going to come running through the door with a big
sack.
Suddenly, a small group of what appear to be Teamsters run through the pool area, carrying a burlap bag.
JT: (chuckling) There they are, right on schedule.
TL: That was a touch bizarre.
JT: That's the sort of thing we've been dealing with the whole tour.
TP: And I haven't seen a cent yet! (grumbles something unintelligible as a plastic coconut,
which he's accidentally dislodged, hits him in the head) Ask us something that your teen readers will find interesting.
TL: Oh yes. You two are a couple of the hottest teens in America right now, with the
release of your film, "Carrot-Bird."
TP: (interrupting) Define "hot."
JT: Sounds like a gastric affliction to me.
TL: Well, our yearly poll placed the two of you near the top of the "Most Unknown Teens"
list. Also, your film "Carrot-Bird" is very popular among our readers, most of whom have never
seen it.
JT: That's not a question.
TL: Yes. Well, our readers want to know what sort of things you two do to "cool down."
JT: Well, I can often go for a rousing game of lawn darts. Barring that, I enjoy hitting
myself aside the head with a flyswatter.
TP: I pride myself on my rare and unusual collection of moods. Also, I play a lot of
solitaire, and I enjoy insurmountable tasks.
JT: Actually, when I'm really bored, I like to repeat myself. And when I'm extremely bored,
I like to repeat myself.
TL: Let's talk a little bit about your film. It was completed a few weeks ago, and already
at least a handful of people have seen it, probably. Being teens, what would you say is the most
influential thing about life as a teen that led to the making of this film?
JT: I think it was the stark boredom that led us to become fascinated with this tree.
Other than that, I really think that being a teen had nothing to do with anything.
TP: I disagree. It seems to me that we're at a crucial age, on the verge of adulthood.
When I was a younger teen, I very easily could have made this film. Unfortunately, or perhaps
luckily, depending on how you look at it, my friends and family had the ability to make my life hell if they
caught me outside talking to a tree. Now that I'm in college and away from taunting jerks
and the paranoia of adolescence, it's nice to be a teen who can talk to trees in the presence
of thousands of peers and not fear ridicule.
TL: Our readers are dying to know, what do you two look for in a date?
TP: That big pit in the middle. Otherwise, I end up biting into it and breaking my
teeth. Jay?
JT: Oh, that date. Never had one.
TP: Here...I've got a whole plate of them. They're good. And I picked all the pits
out of them already.
JT: Hey, thanks man. You're a real pal. (Jay takes a pitted date from Tony and munches)
TP: Sooooooo...what do you think, Jay old boy?
JT: It's very date-like.
TL: Oh...ho ho ho. That's very funny.
TP: That's quite enough out of you, Busboy. We're going to do the question askin' now. Ain't
that so, Jay? (Tony grabs Bubsy's tape recorder and starts running around the pool, much to
the pool boy's chagrin)
JT: That's quite so.
TL: Oh you silly teens, give me back my expensive tape recorder before you break it.
TP: No. Question one: why is a woman in her early 40s writing for a teen magazine, never
mind the fact that you still go by some sort of sorority nickname.
TL: That's not my sorority nickname, that's my true given christian name. I was named
after St. Bubsy of Schnectady Falls who was the patron saint of teens. So there you go.
TP: I think you're lying. Whaddya say Jay?
JT: I'll consult the pocket-guide. (Jay pulls the Pocket Guide of Obscure Saints and
Martyrs out of his pocket, of course, and leafs through) Actually, it says here that St. Bubsy
of Schnectady Falls was the patron saint of blue slushies.
TP: Blue slushies? Garcon, get this woman a blue slushie while we ask her question two!
Question two: Why the heck is your magazine called Teen Look. What exactly are you looking
at on these poor, defenseless teens? Hmmmmmmmm???
TL: Teen Look is devoted to looking at exemplary teens succeeding and trend setting in
Today's Modern Society despite the overwhelming odds that they'd ordinarily be jerkfaces if
they had been raised somewhere further south.
JT: That's really good. They make you memorize that or something? Or is that really your
opinion?
TL: Leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONNNNE, you wild, uncouth teens. I'm so annoyed right
now I could just hammer you all and the zucchini you waltzed in with.
TP: NOW...that's more like it. Question three: What do your toes spell out when let
loose with a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring?
TL: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT MY TOES AND LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE. I
JUST WANT TO GO HOME AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS BLUE SLUSHIE.
JT: We're not paying for that blue slushie, by the way.
At this point in the interview, Tony has tried to scramble up the plastic palm tree again with
the tape recorder in order to avoid Bubsy's wrath. Bubsy, who has completely lost it at this
point (she cited this incident as key in her subsequescent three years in therapy) chucks her
coveted blue slushie in Tony's direction. Tony, attempting to dodge Bubsy's icy blue projectile,
leans too far to his right, causing the plastic palm tree to "uproot" and fall into the pool,
sending Tony into the drink. Jay watches on mild-manneredly, polishing off the rest of the
dates on Tony's plate. Bubsy jumps in the pool and attempts to strangle Tony to get the
tape recorder off of him. The teamsters run in, grab her, put Bubsy in the sack, and run off
again.