If Abe refers one more freakin' time to the Top Brass (whoever they are), and when John makes up stupid nicknames for people, like Viv and Doc.
Every time Kate uses the word "Baby".
Whenever the same line, slightly rephrased, is repeated before and after the commercial break.
Every time John says "That's a fact."
If Bo quits the force, yet again.
Whenever someone tells Jack what a great guy he is.
Whenever someone is offered tea.
Unwanted and inappropriate advice is given.
Kate is wearing a fur coat indoors or in the rain.
Every time Billie gets that far-away, misty-eyed "Soon you will be mine" look.
Baby Will utters the pre-recorded "Mama".
Every time you feel homicidal toward Abby.
Any time one of the children is allowed out of the closet.
Celeste refers to someone by their full name.
A bar or tavern is playing horrible lounge music.
Kate crosses her arms above her breasts, and tosses her head.
Kristen clutches her head.
Susan talks to inanimate objects.
John gets the wool pulled over his eyes.
Marlena and John snuggle up, despite their status as "just friends".
Austin makes a promise to Carrie he can't possibly keep.
Someone either goes to sleep with or wakes up with perfect hair and makeup.
Sammi and Lucas say they need to keep Carrie and Austin apart.
Sammi claims Austin is in love with her. Take two sips if she's the only one in the room.
Lucas drools over Carrie. Drink everything in sight and lose faith in "Days" if she notices.
Carrie says something to lead Lucas on, and follows it with "we're just friends, Lucas."
Jack moans about getting Jen back.
Hope does something stupid or contrived.
Laura annoys the hell outta you.
Victor is shown "thinking" something profound.
Somebody professes their love for somebody else. Take two if the person actually loves them.
You start screaming at the tv set.
Carrie does something self-sacrificing.
Alice butts her nose into somebody else's business. (Take 2 if she's right.)
Time/space allocations don't add up.
Victor has an "I am your father even if you don't think of me that way" moment with Bo.
Someone obviously flubs a line.
Bo and Hope have yet another moment that proves they still love each other.
Bo and Billie have yet another moment that proves they still have feelings for each other.
A flashback obviously couldn't have been shot during the time they are stating that they are flashing back to.
Victor comes out of the coma.
Susan goes into labor. (Yet another scene that a drink will be neccessary to get through.) Anybody mentions a character that is no longer on the show. (Chug two if it involves calling Eric.)
It rains without somebody having a dramatic moment in it.
The waitress at Brady's pub gets a line.
A main character is shown at work, working.
Someone figures out where Baby Philip went.
Someone enters a coma, and wakes up without amnesia.
Someone charges Stephano with an actual crime.
Stephano answers his own phone.
Billie realizes her mother is controlling and overbearing.
A marriage occurs without catastrophe and mishap.
Baby Will learns a word other than "Mama".
Someone turns out to be gay.
Someone has an accent traceable to a country on Earth.
Austin remembers he can play piano.
Billie remembers she's a street-wise tough kid instead of a mincing rich girl.
Celeste reveals where she got that unbearable accent.
Salem shows signs of having a museum, school, library, university, or concert hall (although it does have an international airport with direct flights to Paris).
A plane ride requires a layover (heaven forbid).
Somebody brushes their teeth or washes their face before bed.
Somebody brushes their teeth or washes their face when they get up.
Someone notices what terrible breath and complexions everyone else has.
Somebody celebrates a birthday.
If someone invents a new annoying nickname and/or names a new vehicle or other such inantimate object after one.
Any child under the age of 10 (not including Abby) is shown.
Sean D. spends the night with Bo or Hope.
Austin, Carrie, Sami, and Lucas do something at work that is age appropriate.
Bo and Hope get back together. (God knows you'll need it.)
Jamie comes back.
Susan does something non-annoying and normal
Somebody dies and they have a body.
Somebody moves out of Salem permanently without moving to Europe (Europe must have more ex-Salemites than Europeans by now.)
A plot doesn't drag out to the point where you want to kill all the characters involved.
Someone gets a hold of Roman.
Stephano and Marlena get married.
Ivan and Vivian light a lot of candles, if you know what I mean.
Mike gets laid.
Updated 5/14
Thanks to Lyn:
Yo momma so stupid she hired Mickey Horton and actually thought she would win the case!
From Debra:
Yo momma so butt-ugly Jack couldn't even find her a man on the Internet!
Yo momma's house so small it don't even have a secret room!
From Dave Tepper (dat5f@virginia.edu):
Yo momma so gullible, she think she's the only one in Bo's life.
Yo momma so ugly, Susan said, "Git back, you scarin' mah Aylvis!"
Yo momma so nasty, she had to use a hypnotic mirror *and* drugs on yo daddy!
Yo momma so nasty, she wanted Stefano to pull down his pants and show his Phoenix!
Thanks to James Clarke
Yo mamma such a bad actress, she makes Jennifer look like she is Lauren Becall!
Yo mamma so fat, she makes Billie's boobs look like Tic Tacs!
Thanks to Alana
Yo momma so stupid Peter told her he was an honest man and
she believed him!
From Matthew Guglielmetti
Yo Momma such a bad actor, she makes Abby look good!
Yo Momma so lazy, she couldn't even get a job at Titan!
Lyn strikes again!
Yo momma so constipated, she look like John when he's confused!
From Brian (cloudthief@hotmail.com)
Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to get live coverage of the Salem Blackout!
Yo Momma so stupid, she signed a wedding certificate at THE REHEARSAL!!!
Yo Momma so lame, she write storylines involving BRAIN LASER MACHINES!
From Jennifer Polgar:
Yo Momma so poor she gotta use her closet for a secret room!
Yo Momma so stupid she tripped over the cord on her Salem issue flip phone!
More From Nurse Lyn!
P.S. Yo Momma so ugly, Stefano wouldn't father her illegitimate child.
Yo Momma eat so much famous Brady chowder, she look like Moby Dick!