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Title: Assumpta's Journal
Author: Linda Suazo 


Apr. 6. Just picked up this journal in Cilldargan. I have
always wanted to keep one. I remember some of the girls at
school would write every night in it. I'm not promising to
write every night, but I would like to put down some of my
thoughts and also keep track of what is going on around
here. Delivery, today, so I have plenty of stout for
Brenden. I can't imagine what life would be like around
here if I ran out. Niamh came in earlier tonight and we sat
for awhile. She really likes Ambrose. I think he likes her
too. Well, I'm tired so I guess I'll go to bed.

Apr. 7 I'm being so good about this. Two days in a row.
Wow! I think Fionn has something in his foot. He started
limping this morning. I will have to ask Siobhan to look at
it. She wasn't in the pub tonight.

Apr.10. Niamh and I went shopping today. I bought a blue
sweater and a pair of boots. Then we went to lunch. Siobhan
looked at Fionn's foot. He had a little piece of glass in
it. So he is feeling better. Some rotten kid threw a rock
through one of my front windows. I found it this morning. I
told Ambrose about it and he said he would see to it. Danny
O'Hara rang me tonight. Asked me out again, but again I
told him no. I like him, alright, but I don't want to give
him any idea's that I'm interested. Father Mac came into
the pub tonight. Oh, I hate that man! I'm tired.

Apr.. 20. Ten days, oh well. I enjoy writing when I don't
feel I have to. That's what makes it fun. Father Mac was in
today. I think he just comes in here to irritate me. They
are working on the church roof. I will be so glad when they
finally get the new priest. Then, hopefully, I won't have to
see his face in here. He'll go back to Cilldargan where he
belongs. Unless, of course, the new priest is just like
him. Oh God! Padraig and Brendan and Siobhan were in
tonight. I am afraid Padraig had a little too much to
drink. Brendan had to take him home in my wheelbarrow. I
hope he remembers who's it is. Fionn's foot is fine. It
rained all day. Of course. And it's cold. 

Apr. 21. Great news.! Ambrose proposed to Niamh tonight.
She came in and told me after they came back from
Cilldargan. He wanted to take her to a nice place, unusual
for Ambrose, so they went to Castle Court, and that's where
he proposed. I wonder when they will get married. I hope
they don't go away from BallyK. What would I do without
her? It would seem funny to be married. Having the same
person around all of the time. I think I would go daft. But
she's not like me. I hope everything works out for her.

May 4. Well, it's been awhile. Got a delivery today. They
have raised the prices again. I told him if they keep
raising prices, I was going to quit buying. Of, course, he
knows that I can't do that. Niamh was here earlier, we
talked about marriage and her wedding etc. She really loves
Ambrose. I wonder what it would be like to really love
someone. I guess I came close to that feeling with Leo. But
I know there must be more to love than that. I was relieved
when he said that he would take the job in Dublin and not
move down here to be with me. But we did have some good
times. Sometimes I miss that. God! I hope no one ever reads
this journal.

May 15. I'm going to stop apologizing for not writing in
this thing. I'll write when I can. I already don't feel
guilty anymore. Niamh told me today that she is thinking
about moving in with Ambrose so she can see what he is like
to live with. I'll bet that will raise a few eyebrows. I can
just see Kathleen. I can just see BRIAN. I think it's a good
idea. She might as well find out what he is like to live
with before she gets married to him. What if he is lazy, or
mean, or demanding. She might as well find out now. Of
course, I don't think Ambrose is any of those things, but
you never know. 

*I'm not going to DATE these entries anymore either, then I
won't know how long its been between them. The priest is
here. I picked him up on my way home from Cilldargen. He
was walking in the rain but did not have his priest's garb
on, or I probably wouldn't have stopped. He's very young
and ENGLISH of all things. Seems very eager to do whatever
he is going to do, though. He thought the church was
beautiful. He thought my name was beautiful. I called him a
hippie priest. What a laugh! Later he had his first run in
with Father Mac, over the "new confessional". What I gather
is that he didn't approve of it and Father Mac defended
Brian and the confessional. I think having this priest here
is going to be very interesting especially if he gets up Fr.
Mac's nose. Yeah! Oh,and he doesn't drive.

*Well, even though the date isn't on here, I want to
remember that this is the next night. So, last night after
I went to bed, I heard all this racket. Someone banging on
my door. I got up and went to the window. What do you
think? The new priest, I guess I had better write down his
name, Peter Clifford, needed a ride up the mountain to old
Tommy's place. He has been sick for a very long time and he
died last night. Father Clifford was in a great hurry to get
there before he died. I told him he had better not do that
for me. The last rites, I mean. Father Clifford was
genuinely upset about old Tommy. I just can't understand
what difference it makes. Tonight , the usual group in the
pub. This time it was Siobhan who was pretty drunk. I got
some new recipes for bar snacks. Everyone seemed to like
them. I think Niamh and I will go to Cilldargan tomorrow. I
wonder if I will still be doing this when I am old.

*Not much happening tonight. It's been awhile since I have
written. The pub was full tonight. That always makes me
happy. Father Clifford was here as well. We talked a lot
about what he did before he came here. I would think being
here would resemble a stint in purgatory. It can get pretty
boring. He seems to like it. I think he is one of those
nauseatingly happy people who love everyone and everything.
He's seems very kind, though. That might be a weakness.
People take advantage of you. I guess Brian wants my field.
I hope he buys it. I could use the money.

*Well, something interesting. A girl named Jenny showed up
today, looking for the PRIEST. Father Clifford was playing
football at the time and so I saw her wandering about the
town. Later it started to rain, and I noticed the key I had
given Jenny was still here. I don't know why I did it, but I
took the key over to Father Clifford's house. I just guess I
didn't trust that girl. Anyway, I'm glad I did, because in a
little while he came over here and asked for a room. He said
he had Jenny's key and would use her room. He didn't want
her to come out on a night like this. I don't know what she
had in mind, but in a way he is like a little boy, and she
seemed like she would take advantage of him. That made me

*Football match here tomorrow , against Cilldargan. I don't
really have time to write everything, but we have a bet
going that Cilldargan will win. I am the one who put the
money up, so guess who gets to take the losses. Siobhan
seems to think Cilldargen will win, even though they
haven't won in years and years against Ballykissangel.
Father Peter is responsible for this whole plan. Sometimes
he makes me so mad. He assumed that I put Liam and Donal up
to harassing Edso Foley so that he would move his caravan
away from that field. It wasn't me and I told him it was
Brian. Brian is so sure that BallyK will win that he let
his players celebrate their win ahead of time. Wouldn't it
be a laugh if they lost.

*It's been awhile. I want to cover just a bit of what has
gone on since. Incredibly, BallyK lost the football game
and we made a lot of money. Anyway it was Peter's idea to
give it to Edso Foley and his family. So we did and they
were able to find a place in Cilldargen and he finally got
a steady job. The girl, Jenny, left very abruptly. I don't
know what happened there. I had another fight with Peter. I
was sorry later but I was so angry. It seems that Ambrose
had an accident and one of the statues from St. Joseph's
fell onto his car and he had just got out of it or he would
have been killed. He got the bright idea that now he should
be a priest. Well, anyway, Niamh and Ambrose's wedding
reception was scheduled here on Saturday night and he broke
their engagement on Thursday. It seems he wanted to be a
priest because of the accident. I was so mad that when
Peter came in I yelled at him and he left right away. I am
sure he knew how mad I was. Anyway, Niamh wanted to have
the reception anyway so we did. Brian and Peter were
against it, but who cares what they think anyway. I
apologized to Peter later about yelling at him. He seemed
grateful and later he went to talk to Ambrose. We were in
the middle of the party when Ambrose came in and in front
of everyone asked Niamh to marry him. I was so happy for
her. I don't know what Peter said but it worked.

*It was Peter's birthday last week and we threw a surprise
party. He wasn't expecting it so it was a lot of fun. I
promised him, as a gift, 6 free driving lessons. I have
started them and he tried really hard to do what I told him
to. Oh, well, priests don't have to pass the test, to pass
the test. If you know what I mean.

*Another rainy day. It didn't start raining until late in
the afternoon. 40 shades of gray. I'm still angry, but not
as angry as I was. I took Peter out driving today, and he
nearly killed us. He was so busy talking that he didn't
look where he was going. I wanted to hit him I was so mad.
My van was full of mud because we went off the road. I told
him that he didn't need driving lessons, that priests always
passed their driving tests. I think he was shocked. I was
too angry to care. I made him wash my van. Another broken
window this morning. I told Ambrose, but unless I stay up
and watch, I don't know how he will ever find out who is
doing it.

*I was still angry with Peter when he came in this morning
and very humbly asked if he could use my van for his
driving test. I told him I would pick him up at ten,
tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

*Well he passed his test, but he did it his way. He took
off his priest's collar. The man didn't even know he was a
priest. In fact he thought I was his wife. What a laugh. We
had a great party at the pub afterwards.Peter's friend
Michael Bradley (Judge Mickey) died today. I could see that
he felt really bad. He really has a kind heart. Can you
imagine that I am saying that about a priest? But Peter
isn't really a priest to me. He is more like my friend. We
can talk about a lot of things. We can fight about a lot of
things too, and it doesn't stop us from being friends.

*I can't believe today. Leo came here. Of course, it was
just to cover a story, but it was good to see him all the
same. Brian is going to run in the bi-election against Sean
Dooley. Men who campaign for office make me sick. There
isn't a word of truth in them. Brian is going to replace
the church bell himself. Who does he think he is fooling.
Peter! He is fooling Peter, who thinks Brian is being

*I went out with Leo tonight. I didn't want to. I don't
know why. He told me he loved me. I guess I didn't want to
hear that. I don't feel that way about him anymore. I guess
too much time has gone by.

*I am tired of all of them. Brian and the election. Leo and
his stupid stories. Who knows what Liam and Donal are doing
up there on Brian's property. Leo asked Peter about me and
he wanted to talk to Peter about us. I am so mad. Why can't
he just go back to Dublin? I told Peter that I didn't want
him to give Leo any advice. In fact, I told him to mind his
own business. I know Leo wants me to go back with him. He
says I don't have anything to keep me here. I don't know
why, but I haven't thought about leaving in a long time.
For some reason I feel good about being here. I don't think
I could leave my friends. Any of them, as upset as they make

*Leo left tonight. I am relieved. I know he loves me still.
But I don't love him. Sometimes I feel so confused. I am
alone and should be glad someone loves me. Will I never
feel that kind of love that makes people want to get
married? Oh, God! I'm going to bed.

*We are having a festival. Brian's idea. Oh well, maybe it
will bring some business into town. Yeah! He's got a ram up
on a platform in a box. What will he think of next. Siobhan
has been upset about it all day. She had too much to drink
and climbed up to the ram. I was afraid she would fall. I
was trying to talk some sense to her when Peter came over.
Anyway he finally went up and got her and the ram. We took
the ram out to the hills and turned it loose. We replaced
it with one of Eamon's wooden sheep. I can't wait to see
what Brian will say about that!!! Father Mac has told Peter
he has to go back to England, "because his bishop needs him
there". What a crock!!!! The old liar! I asked Peter if he
didn't want to go home. He told me that home didn't come
into it. He just has to go where they send him. I asked him
where he wanted to go and he said "I want to go where I am
wanted." Poor Peter. I felt so bad for him. I hate Father
Mac and the church. I don't know what I will do, but I am
going to do something. He is the only decent priest we have
ever had here and that old buzzard wants to send him home. I
am so angry.

*Well, no wonder Brian had this brilliant idea. He had
opened a pub with a three day license, on the Dublin road.
There goes any profit I might have made out of this whole
thing. I was so angry when I found out about it, I went out
there to see for myself. Sure, and there it was, Quigley's
Bar and Grill. With Ambrose helping to get the place ready. 

*I need to talk about this with someone, and I can't so I
will write it down here and maybe I will be able to
understand it better. I was so angry that I went up to St.
Joseph's. I just wanted to sit down inside, and let myself
calm down. Peter was locking up the church. I was upset and
he didn't have a clue what I was doing there, of all places.
But he let me in and told me that he had to go out to
Niamh's, to talk about her up and coming wedding. Anyway as
I was sitting there, a rock came through the window and hit
me right on the forehead. Probably the same kid that has
been throwing them through my windows. It almost knocked me
out. I felt really dizzy walking home. I put some tape on it
and it felt better. As I was stacking some crates, Peter
came in and he was really angry that I had left the church
open. But when he saw my face, it all changed. He came over
to me and he took my face in his hands. He made me stand
there while he cleaned the cut and put a bandage on it. You
know, I don't even remember what was said. All I felt was
the warmth of his hands and at that moment I felt that he
cared for me a great deal. What a strange and awesome
feeling! Anyway, I can't really say that to anyone, can I?

*Well Niamh is married. I have been so busy I haven't had
time to write. So to make a long story short I nearly lost
the pub. Brian made me a deal. We would have a publican's
race and whoever won would take my pub. If I won, he would
give up his. I WON!!! A little secret. Peter glued my
glasses to the tray. I didn't know it until after the race.
This all took place after the wedding. It turned out to be a
very nice wedding. Even though Niamh nearly had a breakdown
before it. In the pub afterwards, we had a grand party. I
had been collecting signatures for days, trying to get
enough to make a difference for Peter. He didn't know, of
course. I found him sitting over on Hendley's steps. I
walked over and sat beside him. I told him I would miss him
if he decided to go. He said that it was already decided. So
I showed him all of the signatures and told him nearly
everyone in town had signed it. God! He started to cry. Not
a lot but just a little, trying to get a hold of his
emotions. I felt like crying myself. Then he asked me, what
about me? And then he asked me again. I didn't know what to
say, and I didn't dare do what I felt like doing, which was
to put my arms around him and tell him I cared very much
about him. So I just left. I don't know what he thought,
but I knew I had to get out of there.

*Well, I have bought Peter Clifford. BallyK auction!
Unfortunately Father Mac has bought me. I can't imagine
what he will have me do, but I know what I will have Peter
do. He is going to tend bar. Niamh bought Enda Sullivan
(for me)! She brought him over to the pub as an early
birthday gift. He was a big star in the 80's and he is
quite good looking, however, I'm not impressed. He has
offered to sing at the pub for free. Hmm that might be

*They talked me into doing this stupid play called Ryan's
mother. I guess Enda will play the male lead. Peter is
directing. Padraig is the writer, so he is always there.
Now it seems that Brendan wrote most of the play. He was so
mad at Padraig for taking the credit, so now they are both
there, telling me what to do. Sometimes Peter gets so upset
because they won't let him do his job. There is a love scene
in this stupid play that I'm not anxious to do. Oh well·.

*Things have certainly changed since I last wrote. I was
very upset about that stupid love scene. I mean Enda had
his hands all over me. I was ready to quit. Then Fionn came
running across the stage chasing a cat, and his leash caught
on Enda's boot and Enda fell, spraining his ankle quite
badly. So he is out of the play and they are trying to get
someone else to play the part. You can bet I'm not doing
any love scenes with anyone here. I hope they just cancel
the show. 

*The show is over, and I will try to remember my thoughts
and feelings. Peter came to me and asked me to play
opposite him. He said that I was too picky and that no one
else could really do it. As some of the requirements were,
could he act and was he not old enough to be my father. I
asked him if he were at the sacramental wine. I don't think
he was very excited about it either. So I agreed. If I have
to kiss someone in this town, I guess I could kiss him. We
practiced our lines in front of Padraig and Brendan. But
when I went to kiss him and I put my hands on his face and
bent my head to kiss him, I just couldn't do it in front of
everyone. I wanted to, but I couldn't. Peter felt
uncomfortable also, so everyone left. We started again. The
story became so real to me. We went through our lines and I
think I forgot I was acting.( however I won't ever tell
anyone that) I touched his face and bent down to kiss his
lips. Suddenly he stopped and I said, " We have to finish".
He said" I don't think so". There standing in the back was
Father Mac and a bishop and two other priests, along with
Brendan. To make a really long story short, Doc. Ryan
worked on Enda's ankle until he could walk on it. So he
came and took Peter's place. I wish ·.. I can't talk about
this, even here


*I'm sorry for this, but it has been months. Many things
have happened here. Niamh is pregnant. Kathleen Hendley had
a fire at her home. Father Mac tried to get rid of Brendan
as a teacher. Of course we all stopped him, including
Peter. I should have been more careful to record these
things, but I have had a lot on my mind lately. And tonight
is not the night. I am tired.

*Well, painful as it is, I am writing tonight, because
something happened today and I need to sort it out. It
started yesterday when my water tank blew up and caused the
ceiling to fall in. A friend of mine called me and wanted to
know if I was interested in coming in with her in a wine bar
up in Dublin. I told her I was. I started to think about my
life. The constant struggle, in more ways than one. I felt
that if I didn't figure out what I am feeling and what I
wanted, I never would. I told Niamh that I was thinking
about going to Dublin. I don't want to leave. I love it
here, well sometimes, and I have friends here. So Niamh
told Peter and he came storming in here, and asked me if I
was leaving. I told him it was none of his business. He
said "Assumpta, I care about you". I told him I would let
him know what I decided to do. God, what am I going to do?
If I stay what is going to happen to me? I can't even talk
to the priest. What am I feeling? I don't want to think
about this anymore.

*OK, I can't leave. Call it weakness or whatever, I just
can't leave. I can't even write why in my journal.

I hate the church.

*Niamh had her baby. In the car. Ambrose delivered him. It
is a boy. He is so darling. They are naming him Kieran.
Kieran Peter Egan. Peter after Peter Clifford. Peter is so
cute with him. He coo's and talks baby talk to him. I was
just thinking what a good father he would make, if the
church didn't have her hooks into him.

*Time has gone by again. Sometimes, I can't sit down and
write. I'm too emotional. I said something to Peter today
in the pub that I regretted immediately. I don't know why I
say those things to him. I wouldn't hurt him for anything,
and yet I do, time after time. 

*I'm sitting on my bed, lights out, with a candle. I can
barely see to write this. I don't want the light on. I have
been crying. If this is what it is like to love someone, I
don't want it. What is happening to me? I went out tonight
to bring Brendan, Siobhan and Doc Ryan some sandwiches and
beer. They are trying to stop Brian from building a road
through Killnashee woods, and the night was cold. When I
got there I found that Peter was there on the same errand
of mercy. I no sooner got out of my car than the three of
them decided to go back home for a bit and left Peter in
charge of the fire and the protest. He didn't want them to
leave, so I said, teasingly "If you're scared I will stay
with you". So we stood around the fire trying to get warm,
but the wind was really cold, so he said, " let's get into
my car". So we did. And all of a sudden we had nothing to
say to each other. I made a joke about the owl. I asked him
what he would do if Father Mac came along and found us in
the car together. He said he would tell him to mind his own
business. I told him he surprised me and he said,"I do?" I
don't know why I said it, but it just popped out. I said
"constantly". Oh God!! He reached over and took my hand. He
asked me if I was cold. I said, "Yes" and then I said "No".
But he wouldn't let my hand go. He just held it and warmed
it, like it was something cherished, and then he pressed my
hand to his forehead. I looked at him and tried to imagine
what he was thinking. I can still feel his hand. I can't
imagine what he was thinking. God! He is a priest. He
doesn't know that I love him. Did I write THAT? There, I
said it. I love him. I don't know when this happened, but I
know that that is how I feel. But what is he feeling? It is
making me crazy!!! I have got to get out of here. 

*I found my journal under the bed, when I came back here.
I'm not alone. Leo is with me. I am married to him. I can
hardly write that. When I read the journal from the
beginning it is amazing to me that I didn't see what was
happening to me. These pages are full of him. The pain I
was feeling then is nothing to the pain I felt after that.
He came to see me at the pub. He told me Father Mac was
sending him on retreat. He made me understand that whatever
he was feeling was over. Even though he never told me what
it was he was feeling. But I knew what I was feeling. I
knew what I had to do. I went to London. I stayed for
awhile with Mary and accidentally I ran into Leo. I guess
he sort of picked up the pieces and I decided that this was
all there was for me in life. I was in so much pain that I
just wanted it to stop. Leo has tried to be a good husband.
He treats me well. When Peter came into the pub today and
congratulated us on our marriage it felt like someone had
punched me in the stomach. God, please help me not to feel
anything more for him. Please. 

*My life is a blur. I don't even know where to start. I
will just fill in somewhat the things that have gone on
since I last wrote. What a story this journal has been. I
never dreamed that this would be the way my life would go.
Leo is gone. I couldn't bring myself to write in my journal
while he was here. He left because he knew we had made a
mistake in getting married and he missed the city life. I
don't think he would ever have been happy here in
Ballykissangel. He knew that I didn't love him. I never
told him that, but he knew anyway. Niamh said I owed him an
explanation and so that next day I went to London to find
him. I didn't tell him about Peter. That would have been
too painful for him. But I did tell him that I didn't love
him the way I should have, in order to marry him, and that
I was so sorry. I think that he felt better about it when I
left. When I came home, I heard that Peter was gone. At
first I thought he had left for good, but Niamh told me his
mother was ill and that he would be back. I am so relieved
to be single again. I feel regret for Leo, but it is
nothing compared to the pain I felt before. I have peace
inside me for some reason. Nothing really has changed,
except I have righted a great wrong. No matter what
happens, I will never make that mistake again. It feels so
good to go to bed tonight··.alone.

*Doc. Ryan told us tonight that Peter's mother died
yesterday. I feel so bad for him. I wish he was here. We
are sending some flowers. Michael gave me his phone number.
He wants me to call him. Maybe I will. The lights are
playing up again. I will have to have someone look at them. 

*I talked to Peter tonight. He said he was glad that I was
home. He hoped I was alright. I told him I was and I asked
how he was. He said he was glad to have visited with his
mum before she died. She helped him with some things. He
didn't say what. He said he would be glad to be home.
"Home" he said. I'm glad he thinks of here, as home. Just
before he hung up he told me he had missed me. The turmoil
seems to be gone. PEACE. I can't tell you what it means to

*Things have been peaceful here. It was a beautiful day
here today. I cleaned all day. The bar is sparkling clean.
My room is clean, finally. Got a delivery of stout. I was
almost out. The lights went out again. I can't keep doing
this. I have to get them fixed. We are having a Chinese
food fair here on Saturday. 

*Peter came back today. He came to the pub this morning. I
was cleaning behind the bar when he walked in. He came over
and sat down and just looked at me. He was smiling. There
was something so different about him. I smiled back. I was
so glad to see him, but I didn't let him see how glad.
"Hi"! he said. "Hi". I said. We really didn't need to say
much more. I did ask him if he was ok. He said he was. I
asked him if he wanted something to drink. He said "No, I
just came to see you." He asked me how I was. I told him I
was fine, now. He asked me about Leo. I was careful what I
said. I told him that Leo knew that we had made a mistake
in marrying and that we were both ok with it now. Then he
said, "Want to go for a walk?" I said "Sure, we can take
Fionn". So off we went, walking Fionn down by the Angel. At
first we didn't say much, but then Peter started talking
about his mum, and the conversations he had had with her.
She told him that more than anything in this world she
wanted him to be happy. And that life sometimes takes a
turn that your not expecting, and not to be afraid of it. I
wonder what she had in mind. He took a turn with Fionn for
awhile, and as he reached for the leash, his hand touched
mine very softly, and he left it there for a minute. I
think we were gone for two hours. It was the nicest day I
have ever spent. We talked and laughed, but there was a
certain restraint to our conversation. A lot of things
unsaid. And I guess they will have to remain unsaid. It's
better that way. I know that I cannot expect more, but what
I have now makes me happy. 

*This entry is so incredible that I have to reread
everything I put down, to see if I have missed anything. I
fixed Thai food for the folks at the pub tonight. Everyone
(except Brian) loved it. Peter came in just as Padraig was
telling a tasteless joke about someone's mother dying.
Peter took it very well,but Padraig was embarrassed. Peter
just told him to buy him a drink. Everyone laughed. Peter
seems so different. Kind of quiet though, yet much more
sure of himself. Later on the lights flickered and Padraig
yelled for me. So I went downstairs. As I was trying to
deal with it, Peter came down into the cellar. He asked me
if I needed some help and I said yes. Just then a spark
flashed out of the box, clear across the room. Everything
went dark, but I was ok. I heard Peter say, "Assumpta,
Assumpta" are you alright? "Assumpta". Before I had time to
answer I felt his hands grab me and he held me in his arms
so tightly I could hardly breathe. "I'm ok," I said. His
arms stayed around me and I didn't move. I could feel his
face against mine. I could feel his heart beating. I don't
even know how long we stayed like that, but I heard voices
at the top of the stairs, coming down. His voice said to me
"We need to talk". "Yes" I said, and moved away from him.The
lights flashed on again and Brian and Brendan and Padraig
had come downstairs. I went back upstairs leaving them down
there to deal with the fuses. Then I heard Ambrose banging
on the door. .He caught Liam and Donal, and Shammie Chung
trying to run outside. Then Brian and the rest of them came
upstairs. All of a sudden the lights went out again and
everyone ran for the door. Leaving Ambrose just standing
there. The lights flashed on again and there was Peter.
Ambrose said, "Go on, I haven't seen you". And then Peter
said "Well, that's silly. You have seen me and anyway this
was a private party". I felt like laughing. Ambrose was so
angry. There is no way I am going to sleep tonight. My
thoughts keep going back to the cellar. I don't know what's
happening. All I really know is that I love him so much. I
don't know how much he cares for me, but I know there is
something there. I hate the church. I think it's
oppressive. To take a good man like Peter and make him a
captive when he has such a loving, wonderful heart. But I
have to care what he thinks. This can't be easy for him. I
care how he feels. But he seems so calm. I don't know. God,
I'm so confused. I hope I can sleep.

*Had Michael Daley come in this morning to fix the lights.
I will cost me, but it had to be done. He said I could pay
him in payments. We all have to go to court in Cilldargan.
We have been summonsed. After hours drinking. I am so mad
at Ambrose. Then he had the nerve to ask me to babysit. Of
course, I said, "No". I haven't seen Peter today. I think
Ambrose got him to babysit. I still think about the cellar.
I just can't get it out of my mind. 

*If someone were reading this, and they better not be, they
would really like to know what happened today. I am so
tired, but I have to put these things down so I don't
forget anything. What a story this will make! They picked
me up in one of Padraig's buses. Peter and I were in the
front. We didn't speak much because Kathleen was sitting
behind us. He had his Priest's uniform on, and I hadn't
seen him in that for along while. I suppose he wore it
because it would look good for our case. Anyway, without
going into the goings on at court, the Judge threw the case
out, so we are all free, and not going to have to spend any
days in jail. As we got up to leave, Peter came over to me
and said, "Come with me". We got on a town bus and headed
for Ballykissangel. Half way there he said "Lets go". I
said, "Where are we going?" He said "Just follow me"We got
off of the bus and started walking toward the hill. As we
were walking, he took my hand. I let him. I had come to the
conclusion that in order to find out what he wants, I need
to let him express himself. So we walked around the hill to
that beautiful lake. We walked along the sandy beach hand in
hand. It was quiet and sunny and beautiful. He stopped and
turned toward me. "Assumpta, I need to tell you how I
feel." "Yes", I said. When I left here to go to see my mum,
I was confused and in a lot of pain. You had married Leo and
I don't think anything in my life will ever affect me that
way.again. I couldn't believe you would marry Leo, without
any warning, without letting anyone know. "But I,··"Wait,
Assumpta, let me finish." I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess I thought things would always be the way they were.
When I was faced with the reality of it, I was so angry
with myself for how selfish I had been, I couldn't deal
with it. Remember I stayed away from you for so long. I
couldn't bear to see you with Leo. Then when Leo left, and
you went after him, I thought I had lost you forever. I
thought he would talk you into staying with him.And I had
no right to expect anything else. In fact, I should have
been glad to see a man and his wife work out their
problems. So that was my frame of mind when I went to see
my mum. Well, needless to say she picked up on that. We had
many long talks and she finally got out of me what I was
feeling and the pain I was in. I didn't want to tell her,
but she wanted to know everything. So eventually it came
out and to my surprise she put her arms around me and told
me I was a wonderful man and any woman would be lucky to
have me. I wept. All the guilt of letting her down was
gone. I was never so grateful to God as I was when Michael
Ryan told me that you were back in BallyK, and without Leo.
Again selfish. Assumpta, I love you. I have loved you almost
from the start, without knowing it. I love your spirit, I
love the kindness that you try so hard to hide. I love your
beauty. I think about you every minute of every day. You are
in my days and you are in my nights. You are my whole world,
Assumpta and I can't live without you." The tears were
falling down my cheeks. I said" Peter, if I had known how
you felt, do you think I would have married Leo? God,
Peter, I married him because I was in so much pain. You
were going on retreat. That was that. Remember?" He had a
pained look on his face. " There was nothing else I could
do. Of course, looking back on it I realize what a mistake
it had been but at the time, it seemed the only thing I
could do. Then I knew it was wrong. When we came home and I
saw you that day in the pub, my heart broke. I knew I had
made a terrible mistake" Not just because I wanted you,
because I knew you were not free to love me, but because I
was living a lie with Leo." I was wiping my face with my
hands and suddenly Peter put his arms around me. He held me
and wiped the tears from my face with his thumb." I have
known for sometime, Assumpta, that I was going to leave the
priesthood. I can't be a priest feeling the way I do. I have
already told Father Mac. I told him the day I got back. I
knew I couldn't be a priest no matter how you felt about
me. Because I knew how I felt about you" After that we
walked a little ways and he held my hand. The sun was going
down and we turned around and started to walk back. It was
like I was in another world. So much had happened. He
stopped and put his hands on my face. He held my face and
kissed me so softly. I won't sleep tonight either.