Classic Quotes

Ever think back to episdoes of Buffy and certain lines pop into your head? Well, this page is where I'll put up those lines that I enjoyed the most. I hope you like most of them too. This is basically an expanded version of my "Quote of the Week".

I only have quotes from the first few episodes from season 4.


Season One

"I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away"
-Xander (The Witch)

"Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!"
-Giles (Teacher's Pet)

"He's like Super Librarian. Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon."
-Xander (Never Kill A Boy...)

"It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him."
-Giles (The Pack)

"Wow, I had knowledge!"
-Buffy (I Robot, You Jane)

"Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?"
-Xander (The Puppet Show)

"I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you. For crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ew!"
-Willow (Nightmares)

"I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!"
-Xander (Nightmares)

"You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um, a mate. And then we can observe their mating rituals, and tag them before they migrate...just kill me!"
-Xander (Prophecy Girl)

Season Two

"The other night, I dreamt that Xander--uh, it wasn't Xander. I-In fact, it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it."
-Willow (When She Was Bad)

"Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night."
-Xander (WSWB)

"Love makes you do the wacky."
-Willow (Some Assembly Required)

"A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' I say, think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner."
-Snyder (School Hard)

"From now on, we're gonna' have a little less ritual...and a little more fun around here!"
-Spike (School Hard)

"Oh, it's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
-Xander (Inca Mummy Girl)

"Ooh, Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with a stench of urine."
-Xander (IMG)

"One day, I'm gonna' live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying."
-Buffy (IMG)

"Whoa, whoa. Rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"
-Xander (Reptile Boy)

"So, Cor, are you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or are you just going with a halter top tonight?"
-Xander (Reptile Boy)

"Okay, on sleazing extra candy, tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double bagger. You can also try the old 'You missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? Okay, troops, let's move out."
-Xander (Halloween)

"Uh, Angel, if I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?"
-Willow (Lie To Me)

"Uh, where's the doorknob?"
-Spike (Lie To Me)

"Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever."
-Xander (The Dark Age)

"I'm gonna' be in therapy 'til I'm thirty."
-Cordelia (The Dark Age)

"Hey!!! We don't have time for this, our friends are in trouble. Now we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!"
-Willow (The Dark Age)

"I wanna' walk in your shoes. Not your actual shoes, of course, because you're a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course...okay, I'm done."
-Xander (What's My Line Part 1)

"Don't warn the tadpoles!"
-Willow (WMY Part 1)

"Uh, yeah, I'm shot! Ya' know, wow! It's odd...and painful."
-Oz (WML Part 2)

"You can attack me. You can send assassins after me. That's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend."
-Buffy (WML Part 2)

"I am the Bug Man, coo-coo ka-choo."
-Xander (WML Part 2)

"'Dorkhead'? You slash me with your words!"
-Xander (WML Part 2)

"I mock you with my monkey pants."
-Oz (WML Part 2)

"Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapy Land."
-Buffy (Ted)

"Well, apparently, the secret ingredient is not love."
-Willow (Ted)

"Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever, I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talking, but you rock."
-Xander (Ted)

"That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?"
-Ted (Ted)

"You boiled your young?"
Willow (Bad Eggs)

"Cordelia! I don't wanna' hurt you...some of the time."
-Xander (Bad Eggs)

"You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial."
-Buffy (Surprise)

"Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny."
-Xander (Surprise)

"It's interesting to me that 'preparing' looks a great bit like sitting on your ass!"
-Spike (Innocence)

"I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know!"
-Willow (Innocence)

"Whoa, whoa! I...I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. Eh, now I'm having a wiggins."
-Xander (Innocence)

"I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna' have sex."
-Xander (Innocence)

"Sometimes when I'm sitting in class -- you know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen -- I think about kissing you, and it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage."
-Oz (Innocence)

"Great, I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-I'm-dating-a-skanky-ho!"
-Willow (Phases)

"Look around. We're in my daddy's car. It's just the two of us. There is a beautiful, big, full moon outside tonight. It doesn't get more romantic than this. So shut up!"
-Cordelia (Phases)

"Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, 'They grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.'"
-Buffy (Phases)

"Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but...that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either."
-Willow (Phases)

"A werewolf in love."
-Oz (Phases)

"My valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders."
-Xander (Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered)

"Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?"
-Xander (BB&B)

"I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here."
-Buffy (BB&B)

"You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear, and you know what? I date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is."
-Cordelia (BB&B)

"Uh-uh, no fair going into the ring unless he tags you first."
-Spike (Passion)

"Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!"
-Xander (Killed By Death)

"Shh! Hospital zone, no singing."
-Buffy (KBD)

"I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time."
-Willow (KBD)

"Frogs, frogs! Get them off of me! Oh my god, frogs! Get them off of me! Please, help! Get them off! Frogs! Frogs! Oh my god, they're everywhere! Frogs!"
-Willow (KBD)

"Xander? What happened? Did Cordelia win another round in the broom closet?"
-Willow (I Only Have Eyes For You)

"I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learnin'."
-Xander (IOHEFY)

"You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you're exfoliated."
-Spike (IOHEFY)

"And we can still date. Or not... I mean, I understand if you want to see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better, whether that means little bath toys or whatever."
-Cordelia (Go Fish)

"I met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth."
-Drusilla (Becoming Pary 1)

"It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big."
-Spike (Becoming Part 1)

"Someone wasn't worthy."
-Spike (Becoming Part 1)

"Okay, that was about equal parts protecting me and copping a feel, right?"
-Buffy (Becoming Part 2)

"The whole earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big 'ho?"
-Buffy (Becoming Part 2)

"You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'Get the hell away from my daughter!'"
-Spike (Becoming Part 2)

"Keep out of it, Sit-n-Spin!"
-Angel (Becoming Part 2)

"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."
-Xander (Becoming Part 2)

Season Three

"That's right, big boy. Come and get it."
-Willow (Anne)

"It's all about egg whites. If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna' rule!"
-Larry (Anne)

"I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, 'Hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm, I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the sex and the envy and that loud music we kids listen to nowadays.' Uh, oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken?"
-Buffy (Anne)

"It looks dead. It smells dead. Yet it's moving around. That's interesting."
-Oz (Dead Man's Party)

"Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings. Shindig: dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage. And hootenanny: well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny."
-Oz (DMP)

"Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans."
-Giles (DMP)

"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good."
-Xander (DMP)

"I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers. You know, strictly the caucasian persuasion here in the 'Dale. But, you know, you just gotta' stand up and salute their death rate."
-Mr. Trick (Faith, Hope & Trick)

"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."
-Xander (FH&T)

"He's just being Oz."
"Pretty much full-time."
-Willow & Oz (All Men Are Beasts)

"We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime."
-Xander (AMAB)

"How come you're the wakey-girl? I mean, this time it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded... jelly donut?"
-Willow (AMAB)

"Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly donut, but my timing is impeccable."
-Oz (AMAB)

"We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire... whatever the hell you are, my brother."
Mr. Trick (Homecoming)

"Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to Slayerfest '98."
Mr. Trick (Homecoming)

"As Willow goes, so goes my nation."
-Oz (Homecoming)

"Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!"
-Snyder (Band Candy)

"I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff... never mind."
-Xander (Band Candy)

"You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat."
-Giles (Band Candy)

"What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?"
-Xander (Revelations)

"Well, if at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him, and you try again."
-Spike (Lover's Walk)

"And when did you become all soul-having again? I thought you outgrew that."
-Spike (Lover's Walk)

"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
-Spike (Lover's Walk)

"You were real brave. Do you need to barf?"
-Willow (Lover's Walk)

"I want Dru back, I've just got to be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again."
-Spike (Lover's Walk)

"Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic."
Mine is much more advanced."
-Buffy & Xander (The Wish)

"So Cordelia wished for something? If it was a long, healthy life, she should get her money back."
-Oz (The Wish)

"Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze... that pointed silence."
"'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox."
-Xander & Buffy (Gingerbread)

"I'm a rebel. I'm having a rebellion."
-Willow (Gingerbread)

"I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings. Do you see any goats around? No, because I sacrificed them."
-Willow (Gingerbread)

"Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place."
-Buffy (Gingerbread)

"I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness, and found you all unconscious--again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're going to wake up in a coma."
-Cordelia (Gingerbread)

"I'll kill you for that."
"For that? What were you trying to kill me for before?"
-Vampire & Buffy (Helpless)

"It's sweet and thoughtful, and full of neat words to learn and say like 'wilt' and 'henceforth'."
"Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?"
-Buffy & Angel (Helpless)

"What's going on? Oh god, is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother."
-Cordelia (Helpless)

"Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?"
-Xander (The Zeppo)

"We're gonna kick your ass until it's a brand new shape."
-Jack O'Toole (The Zepppo)

"Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs."
-Xander (The Zeppo)

"Should have learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk."
-Xander (The Zeppo)

"The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear."
-Xander (Bad Girls)

"I didn't get this job because of my looks."
"I really, really believe that."
-Wesley & Buffy (Bad Girls)

"Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie."
-Buffy (Bad Girls)

"Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called a Uzi, ya chump. Could have saved your ass right about now."
-Mr. Trick (Bad Girls)

"You know what I want."
"If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now."
-Balthazar & Giles (Bad Girls)

"My. She's... cheeky, isn't she?"
"First word, 'jail,' second word, 'bait.'"
-Wesley & Faith (Consequences)

"It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall."
-Angel (Consequences)

"Aren't you gonna introduce me to your...Holy God, you're Willow."
-Buffy (Doppelgängland)

"She was truly the finest of all of us."
"Way better than me."
"Much, much better."
Giles and Xander (Doppelgängland)

"Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night."
"Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"
"Oh, yeah."
-Willow, Xander and Buffy (Doppelgängland)

"So, feel like getting some hot chocolate...or some cold shower?"
"I'm sorry. I wanted to take you somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They've changed."
-Buffy and Angel (Enemies)

"Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."
-Giles (Enemies)

"And on the day the words flimsy excuse were redefined, we stood in awe and watched."
-Xander (Enemies)

"It was intense."
"Yeah, for a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression."
"Well, I felt one coming on, I won’t lie."
-Oz and Xander (Earshot)

"What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked women. Naked girls. Naked Buffy. Oh stop me."
"God Xander! Is that all you think about?"
"Actually...bye!"
-Xander's thoughts, Buffy and Xander (Earshot)

"You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles!"
"It was the candy. We were teenagers."
"On the hood of a police car!?"
"I’ll be downstairs. You feel better."
"Twice!?"
-Buffy and Joyce (Earshot)

"Man, I’m out. I’m so out I’ve got my grandma fixing me up with guys."
-Larry (Earshot)"So, you feelin’ better about Angel?"
"Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more."
"See, that’s how it should work."
-Willow and Buffy (Earshot)

"Feel up to some training?"
"Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother!"
[Giles walks into a tree]
-Giles and Buffy

"You never take me anyplace new."
"What about that fire-demon nest in the cave by the beach? Thought that was a nice change of pace."
-Buffy and Angel (Choices)

"You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species. And I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
"Then why are you talking to me?"
"I don't have a date for the prom."
Well, gosh. I wonder why not? It couldn't have anything to do with your sales pitch."
-Anya and Xander (The Prom)

"Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
"One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."
-Anya and Xander (The Prom)

"No dresses, no cellphone, no car. Everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes... for the last 12 years."
-Cordelia (The Prom)

"Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in special occasion."
-Oz (The Prom)

"Men like sports. I'm sure of it."
"Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?"
-Anya and Xander (Graduation Day Part 1)

"You can't turn your back on the Council."
"They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing."
-Wesley and Buffy (Graduation Day Part 1)

"I demand an explanation."
"For what?"
"Wesley."
"Uh... inbreeding?"
-Cordelia and Xander (Graduation Day Part 2)

"You guys are like little old ladies."
-Buffy (Graduation Day Part 2)

"Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate."
-Snyder (Graduation Day Part 2)


Season Four

"Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?"
-Buffy (The Freshman)

"So, are you girls taking Intro Psych, or do you just want me dead?"
-Riley (The Freshman)

"I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion."
-Riley (The Freshman)

"Rupert, is this blue cheese, or is it just cheese that's gone blue?"
-Olivia (The Freshman)

"Happy hunting."
"Wish me monsters."
-Willow & Buffy (Living Conditions)

"Nobody deserves mime, Buffy."
-Oz (Living Conditions)

"I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay?"
-Willow (Living Conditions)

"Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?"
-Xander (Living Conditions)

"I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
-Anya (Harsh Light of Day)

"This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass."
-Spike (HLOD)

"The Gem of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you."
-Spike (HLOD)

"I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out."
-Buffy (Fear, Itself)

"Where's supportive boyfriend guy?"
"Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning. But he told me to tell you he's afraid you're gonna get hurt."-Willow and Oz (Fear, Itself)

"That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value."
"That's stupid."
"I accept that."
-Xander and Anya (Fear, Itself)

"Big overture. Leetle show."
-Xander (Fear, Itself)

"Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?"
"Don't taunt the fear demon."
"Why, can he hurt me?"
"No. It's just... tacky."
-Xander and Giles (Fear, Itself)

"Nothing can defeat the penis!"
-Xander (Bad Beer)

"Never, my little…foam latté."
-Spike (The Initiative)

"My little….mentholated pack of smokes."
-Spike (The Initiative)

"I'm imagining having sex with him again."
"Imaginary Xander's quite the machine."
-Anya and Buffy (Pangs)

"Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?"
-Xander (Pangs)

"I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore."
-Spike (Pangs)

"A bear! You made a bear!"
"I didn't mean to."
"Undo it! Undo it!"
-Spike and Buffy (Pangs)

"You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little."
-Spike (Pangs)

"Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed. All that blood just pumping away."
"Giles! Make her stop."
-Buffy and Spike (Something Blue)

"This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed."
-Spike (Something Blue)

"This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms."
-Anya (Hush)

"Well, Porter dorm is completely blacked out. So, naturally, they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how -- Aftershock Party."
"Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the Somebody Sneezed Party and the Day that Ends in Y Party."
-Willow & Buffy (Doomed)

"I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore. You're not even the kinda naughty. "
-Xander (Doomed)

"Come on, vampires. Ungh! Nasty. Lets annihilate them, for justice and for the safety of puppies...and Christmas right. Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!"
-Spike (Doomed)

"Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse."
-Riley (A New Man)

"You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed."
-Giles (A New Man)

"It stole Giles' car!"
"Why would a demon steal a car?"
"Why would a demon steal that car?"
-Willow, Xander and Anya (A New Man)

"I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat--gets me every time."
-Ethan (A New Man)

"How did you know it was me?"
"Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me."
-Giles and Buffy (A New Man)

"Holy moly!"
"I know."
"I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?"
-Xander and Buffy (Goodbye Iowa)

"Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?"
-Spike (This Year's Girl)

"We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them."
"Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes."
-Anya and Faith-in-Buffy (Who Are You)

"Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?"
"Actually, I beg you to stop."
"What's a stevedore?"
-Buffy-in-Faith and Giles

"Quite the couple, aren't they?"
"They get into a fistfight; I got a 50 on Anya."
-Riley and Buffy (Superstar)

"Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean... "
-Buffy (Where the Wild Things Are)

"I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!"
-Anya (WTWTA)

"Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised."
-Xander (Primeval)

"You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake."
-Xander (Restless)

"And try not to bleed on my couch, I just had it steam-cleaned."
-Giles (Restless)

"Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from."
-Buffy (Restless)

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