**
"Where are we
I cannot breath
We're sinking slow
On a lifeless boat"
From Jonathan Jackson's "Deep End of the Ocean" (my best interpretation)
**
I closed my eyes and felt humiliation wash over me. How could I have let that slip out? In one moment of weakness...
I kept my eyes closed to avoid looking at him. I felt one arm slide around my back and the other tuck under my legs. The muscles in his arms contracted and I was weightless.
Lucky stepped carefully over the threshold and I felt his balance shift. I heard a thud and the sound of the door closing. He had kicked it closed. Lucky shifted my weight in his arms.
"You can put me down now," I said, a bit harsher than I intended.
"Fine," he said. He gently set me on my feet.
I opened my eyes. We were standing in the middle of the living room.
When he started to move away, I almost collapsed. Instantly, his arms came back around my waist. I hated myself for having to lean on him.
"What do you want to do now?" he asked. The tone of his voice made me angry. He sounded like he was trying not to laugh.
"Please-" No, that sounded too weak. "Just take me upstairs to my room."
"Of course."
He scooped me into his arms. My muscles ached. I wanted a shower. Again.
I could smell Lucky, as we ascended the stairs. His essence filled my nostrils until it was all I could think about. How many times had I wanted -- dreamed -- of being in this position? In Lucky's arms, close to him. And now I couldn't even enjoy it. Because of one mistake. I felt as if I would throw up.
"Can you take me into the bathroom?" I asked from somewhere near his chest. He turned abruptly on his heel and the acoustics of his footsteps changed. Here was the bathroom.
"What now?" he asked. He was breathing more often -- not hard, but harder -- and he sounded on the brink of exasperation.
"Please, just put me down and go away. I want to take a shower." I fought hard for control of my voice and my tears.
"I'm not leaving you alone, Elizabeth," Lucky said. Was it me, or was his voice more commanding than it had been a second ago.
"Lucky, I'm not going to collapse! It's not like this is a choice. Put me down and get out."
Lucky's chest was shaking as he tried to control himself. He set me on my feet and when my knees threatened to buckle, steadied me with his hands on my waist. He took one of my hands and placed it on the sink. He stepped back and I held myself up as best I could.
"You take your shower." His voice was cold and distanced. "I won't bother you anymore. I'll stay out of your way."
He moved to the door and I fought my impulse to call out to him.
"Let me know when you're ready to grow up and accept some help from a friend."
I barely heard his words, but his meaning was crystal. Once he walked out the door, he would make no more efforts to help me unless I asked.
The door clicked closed.
I immediately turned to the toilet and retched.
**
My shower hadn't helped me feel better at all. In fact, the hot water reminded me of the warmth of his body. The new soap Sarah had bought smelled just like his. When I stepped out of the tub, my legs were done supporting me for the moment and I curled into a ball on the rug at my feet.
I tried not to cry. But I had definately done it this time. I had ruined whatever rapport I had had with Lucky. All because he was getting to close and I balked under his helping hand. I wanted to shout at the injustice of life.
Instead, I pulled on a pair of worn jeans and an NYU sweatshirt I had borrowed from Sarah years ago and never given back. I sat in my window and watched the sun sink lower and lower in the sky. I must've been there for hours, from the afternoon into the night. No one knocked. I don't think Gram even knew I was home. And Sarah just plain wouldn't care one way or the other.
I was balancing precariously on the inside windowsill, hugging my knees tightly to my body, when a voice startled me.
"Elizabeth?"
Gram's voice. Just great.
"Yeah?" My answering call was soft, in hopes she might change her mind and go away.
"Elizabeth, dear, can I come in?"
What could I say? No, I don't want you to look at me for fear you'll be able to tell?
"Sure, Gram."
My Gram slipped inside the door and smiled brightly at me.
"I wasn't sure you were up here. You're awfully quiet today."
I nodded and didn't reply to that.
"Elizabeth? How was the dance last night?"
My stomach churned. I faked a smile for her benefit.
"Actually, Gram," I started, not sure where I was going with this, "I didn't get to the dance. My date decided at the last minute to go with someone else. I went to the movies and then got sick on the way home. I spent most of the night with Lucky Spencer and his father, throwing up in their bathroom."
Gram was staring at me like I'd grown another head. "What?"
"I didn't-"
"No, I heard you," she interrupted me. "I just couldn't believe what I heard."
I swallowed.
"Why not?"
"Elizabeth, I've had you in my care for a few months now and I've never heard such a pack of lies. What REALLY happened last night?"
End Ch 12.