He paused for breath at the top of the hill, and spotted a lone figure kneeling at the edge of the frozen lake. Her arms were wrapped around her middle as she rocked in silent agony. He approached slowly, unsure of what to say or do. The logical move was to drape her coat around her shoulders, to offer protection against the raw wind that had begun to blow.
She clutched the coat with shaking fingers and sat on her heels with her head bowed. "I can't live like this any more, Peter. I can't stand it."
"Talk to me, Kacie. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what's been wrong." Peter stood with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, bracing himself for the announcement that she had turned to the arms of another man.
"What does it matter?" she said dully. "Nothing matters." She shook her head slowly and her lower lip drooped. "Nothing." The wind whipped her hair about her face. She seemed not to notice either the wind or the cold.
"What is it that you can't tell me?" Peter pressed. "What are you holding back from me? What is so awful that you can't talk to me about it?" He stepped closer to her, trying to get her to look at him.
"It doesn't matter now." Her rocking went on, arms clasped more tightly around her middle.
"It matters to me!" Peter said fiercely, and then plunged ahead. "I-I heard you tell Dr. McClanahan that you couldn't tell me something. I heard him tell you that I had a right to know." His voice deepened with emotion. "I saw him holding you in his arms."
She looked up at him, startled. "You were there?"
"Yes." He locked eyes with hers and gulped. "What is it you can't tell me? That-that-that you and he..."
Her eyes widened and she started to laugh. "Oh, God! Is that what you've thought all this time?" She let go of the coat and clutched at her hair as her laughter mixed with crying, her emotional control continuing to unravel. She started choking on her tears. "He was comforting me."
Peter took his hands out of his pocket and gestured with them. "Comforting you? Why? Why him? Why didn't you come to me for comfort? I'm your husband. I'm the one who loves you."
"Because you didn't know, and-and he did."
"Know what?" Peter dropped to his knees on the ground in front of her, gripping her arms in his hands and shaking her. "Kacie, what?"
She raised eyes filled with anguish to meet his. "That I...that I...l-lost our b-b-aby."
Peter felt the air rush out of his lungs as if he had just been kicked in the stomach. Grasping her arms even more tightly, he demanded again, "What?!"
"I didn't know. I didn't even know that I was pregnant!" She started to sob brokenly and reached out for him. "Oh, GOD, Peter! I lost our baby!"
Peter pulled her into his arms and held her, tangling his fingers into her hair and pressing her head to his chest as she wept in a paroxysm of grief. After a shocked moment, he felt as if a floodlight had been turned on in his mind. {Those couple of days when she looked so sick...and when she lost it with me when I tried to leave the hospital...when she said, 'how much more do I have to lose'...oh Lord! When Kelly made that crack about when were we going to have kids!}
Now that the words had started, they poured forth in a torrent, along with Kacie's shuddering sobs. "Just when...you were...starting to...get better...I went...to see...McClanahan...It started...and I HURT...and I...was bleeding...and our...baby was dead...and they...did surgery. Everyone said...I should tell you...but I was...afraid you...would get worse...and I couldn't...lose you, too...But now...I've lost you...anyway...and I...just wish...I was dead...too!" Her shoulders heaved as she clutched at his coat front.
"Don't say that! Don't ever say that! You haven't lost me, Sweetheart." He kissed the top of her head and held her securely as he started to rock her. He choked as tears coursed down his face. "I love you. Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry about the baby. I wish you had let me be there for you."
"I...couldn't," she wept, her words barely coherent. "I couldn't. I was...afraid you'd...blame yourself...for the accident...and they said...they said...it couldn't be helped...it was...nobody's fault." She burrowed her face into the space between the side of his neck and the collar of his coat. "And then...I was...afraid you'd...blame me...because...the baby...died.."
Peter's face contorted with the effort of controlling his conflicting emotions. Relief, regret, love, and sadness washed over and through him in waves. "Oh, Sweetheart! I don't think that! I would never think that. I'm so sorry you went through this alone."
Still shaking uncontrollably, her sobbing continued, her voice faltering. "I wanted...to tell you...and then...you stopped...talking to me...and you...wouldn't...touch me...or look at me...and then...you were...kissing her...and I thought...what does it...matter...because you don't...love me...any...more!"
He took her face in both his hands and he tried to get her to focus on his words. "Kacie? Kacie! Listen to me! Listen! That kiss you saw didn't mean anything to me! Tyler came over to deliver a wedding present and to say goodbye. She asked me to kiss her goodbye! Because of what we once had. We were so wrong for one another. We knew it then, and even more so now. It's you that I love. It's you I had been waiting my whole life for! Please believe me, Sweetheart. Please!" He was begging now, and he didn't care. "I'm sorry; I'm so sorry you were so hurt. I love you, Sweetheart. I love you so much that the thought of living without you tears my heart out!"
His words finally registered in Kacie's brain. "You still...love me?" Her crying went on, even as she stared at him hopefully through tear-clouded eyes.
Peter nodded vigorously. "I never stopped loving you. I thought you didn't love me any more. Oh, God, Kacie!" his voice cracked. "I love you so much, that a life without you wouldn't be worth living. I never want to live without you. You are the love of my life. You are the only woman in my heart."
She collapsed against his chest and clung to him. "I've wanted...to have...your baby...ever since...I married you...and now...and now..."
"Sh-sh-sh." He patted her back as though he were comforting a child. "It'll be all right. We'll be all right. We'll get through this. As long as we're together, we'll get through anything." He pressed his lips to her hair.
The raw wind began to blow harder and carried a hint of snow with it. "Honey," Peter went on, "we have to go back to the house now. It's too cold to stay out here." He kissed the top of her head again. "Can you get up for me?"
They stumbled to their feet, and he helped her put her arms into her coat, fastening the buttons himself. She clutched at him, continuing to cry. "I can't...stop crying," she gulped. "I can't...stop."
He entrenched her firmly under a protective arm and kissed her forehead. "Then don't even try, Sweetheart. I'll get us home." They started back for the house, moving slowly but surely as they loaned strength to one another.