Finally Home

By The Purple Goddess

PG

DISCLAIMERS: Paramount owns them all, I just make their dreams come true.

I think if he’d have asked me I’d have fallen for him so many times.

But he never did.

I know why of course:

Because of me.

I held him at arms distance and never let him see how much I needed him. How much I loved him. And now it’s too late.

Even after Voyager docked at Deep Space 9 and he'd looked so longingly at me. I’d given him a small smile and walked the other way. I yearned for him to run after me, to take me in his arms, but he didn’t.

I looked back at him and saw him turn and slowly walk the other way.

That was the last time I’d seen Chakotay until right now. Five years of time had gone by. Somewhere I heard he’d gotten married; heard they’d had a daughter. I guess I’d heard right because as he walked towards me, I could see he had a child in his arms.

His eyes fell onto mine and I could see recognition and shock register in them. I stopped and smiled. He found his voice.

"Kathryn."

"Hello Chakotay. How are you?"

"Fine."

"Good."

I smiled and pointed to the beautiful little girl in his arms. "Who is this?" She had raven black hair and eyes darker than Chakotay’s.

"Oh, this is Kath…" He stopped and looked straight into my eyes. "Her name is Kathryn."

It was now my turn to show shock. I didn’t know what to say to him so I looked to the little girl.

"Well, that’s a beautiful name, Kathryn." The small child smiled at me and grabbed her father around the neck.

"How did you come to name her that?" I knew I was fishing, but I didn’t care. This man I had loved for ten long years had named his child - by another woman - after me.

"I was fond of the name."

He had given the easy answer and I raised an eyebrow at him. I needed for him to say it. He sighed and looked at his child.

"I wanted to say that name, your name, until the day I died."

Little Kathryn held her arms out to me and I looked at Chakotay. He nodded and handed her to me.

"Why are you here?" I asked knowing full well that he’d left Starfleet five years ago.

"They’ve asked me to teach a course. Tactical training for deep space missions."

"That’s great Chakotay. Did you accept?"

"Yes, I’m having a celebratory picnic on the lawn over there." He gestured to the left and my eyes followed up the hill to see five or so adults with small children gathered together, sitting on the green lawn.

I turned back to Kathryn and started my baby banter, talking to her and bouncing her up and down. I was showing him I’d have been a great mother to his children.

If only he’d have run after me.

If only I’d have gone to him.

Tears coursed silently down my pale cheeks and his little girl reached out to touch one.

"Kathryn."

I couldn’t meet his eyes. I knew they’d be full of pity and remorse.

"Here, You’d better take her back. I have a meeting to attend soon. Don’t want to be late!"

I handed her back to Chakotay. As soon as she was back in his arms I turned and started walking. I thought of breaking into a run across the grass towards headquarters. Anything to distance myself from this man.

"No, Kathryn, please don’t leave me again. Please."

His voice was pleading and I was stunned.

I swiveled around to glare at him. "Me? Leave you? You left me on Deep Space 9! You didn’t come after me!"

Disbelief covered his face like a mask. "No, no…you walked away from me."

We both stood there. The years of longing and indecision were finally coming to a head. Right here and now we would hash it out; on earth five years later, with his family looking on.

"It doesn’t matter Chakotay." I whispered desperately trying to look at anything but him. "This little girl has a mother…"

He took a step toward me as my voice failed and the tears fell again.

"Kathryn, she’s dead."

I looked at him then, surprised to hear the words that fell from his lips. I wanted to say something but nothing came. He continued.

"She died when Kathryn was born. It was a difficult birth and she didn’t make it. I loved her very much, but I never…" his words caught in his throat and he looked away.

I walked towards him and took his free hand in both of mine. I looked to his face and waited for his eyes to look into mine. "Please tell me." I whispered.

"I never loved her like I love you." His words were barely audible but the breeze had carried them to my ears and into my heart.

"Oh, Chakotay." Before I knew what I’d done, I walked into his arms and stayed there for a long time. Long enough for both of us to cry at what we’d lost, to laugh at little Kathryn when she played with my hair, and finally to sigh when we kissed for the first time. I stepped back from him and looked at the two of them.

"Do you really have a meeting?" His words were the first spoken in ten minutes.

I gave him a crooked smile and a sheepish, "No."

"Come have lunch with us. It’s just my cousins and their families. I want you to meet them."

I smiled at him and took little Kathryn when she reached for me again. "I’d like that."

He took my hand and we both knew that after today we’d never be apart again. Little Kathryn put her head down on my shoulder as we walked up the hill to his family. In that moment I knew that I was going to be a wife and a mother and I was happier that I’d ever been in my life. For the first time in five years, I realized that I was finally home.

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