My Best Friend

By The Purple Goddess

Rated PG-13

My hand reached over and touched…nothing. He had left and hadn’t come back. I had secretly wished that he wouldn’t be strong enough for just one day, for just one night of our passionate lovemaking. That he’d rush back into my quarters and try to convince me that I needed him just as much as he needed me…but he didn’t. It’s early the next morning on Voyager and I am alone in bed. I wonder what it will be like on the bridge. No doubt he will be professional and we will conduct business just as we always have. But will his eyes betray him to me? Will he gaze at me when I’m not looking? Can I stand it if he doesn’t? The breakfast we have always shared has been cancelled. Neither of us had said so, but we knew it anyway. It would be too difficult for both of us to be in such close proximity too soon; it is going to be bad enough on duty. I sighed heavily and dragged myself from my bed. I had a half an hour to make it to the bridge.

"Report." I strode onto my bridge like this was any other day, of any other month, of any other long year in the Delta Quadrant. I didn’t want anyone to know that anything was different or that I was different.

Chakotay was sitting in his chair and smiled at me as I sat down next to him. Reports were coming in from all over the bridge but I had just received the only report I was interested in. His smile had told me all that I wanted to know: everything was going to be ok.

My terminal beeped and I accessed the message.

"Dinner tonight? Please, my best friend?"

I glanced up at him. He had a shy smile on his face and quickly looked away from me. I answered him back a split second later.

"Of course - my best friend."

We decided to eat in his quarters since mine, well, held sentimental value for both of us. The evening was relaxing and I was surprised how easily we went back to the way we were before we had made love. After we had eaten desert Chakotay reached for my hand and guided me to the couch. We sat and he stroked my hand in silence for a minute before he spoke.

"Kathryn, I don’t know if I should say this or how to say it. I…I don’t want to ruin the delicate balance we have maintained all day."

I could see the inner struggle he was enduring. "Chakotay, please. Tell me what’s bothering you."

He took a deep breath and got up from the couch, releasing my hand. It felt cold without his warmth covering it. He was obviously unsure about what he wanted to say. Staring out the viewport he started slowly.

"Last night, when I was leaving your quarters, after I kissed you goodbye, I… I heard you." He turned around and looked at me. I’m sure he could see the realization dawn on my face.

"Oh." I didn’t know what else to say.

He sat down next to me and reclaimed my hand. "I’m not going to ask you for a relationship, Kathryn. You’ve already made it clear that – that it’s not what is best right now. I can accept that. But, Kathryn, I need to hear you…see you say it…just once. Please."

He gave me a look that made my heart melt. "Will it be enough Chakotay?" I whispered. "Will you need for me to prove it to you?"

"Kathryn, I think we did enough proving last night." His tone was serious and so was his expression.

I knew that he needed this. He was my best friend and what I’d said was certainly the truth. I looked up at him and smiled. "I love you, Chakotay."

He closed his eyes and smiled. "Thank you." He whispered.

We sat on his couch and talked for a few hours. We talked about the crew, the engines, the next planet coming up that would be good for shore leave; we talked about everything but us. It was comfortable. I kept yawning and he told me I’d better get to bed. I walked from the couch and stopped in front of the door. I turned around and looked at him stretched out on the couch, sleepy eyes looking up at me.

"Chakotay, could I…" I smiled at him and found the courage to finish, "Could I hear it one more time, too?"

He smiled. "I love you."

I smiled back and walked through the door.

"But it’s purple."

"He said it was eggs."

"Purple?"

"I guess it comes from purple birds." His smile was my undoing and I laughed with him.

We ate together every morning and this felt like any other morning. We were at ease with each other and I ate all of my breakfast for once. Chakotay looked down at my empty plate approvingly. "Well, I guess I’ll ask Neelix to serve those again. They weren’t so bad now were they?"

"No. Not bad." I agreed.

We strode onto the bridge together and took our command seats. After all of the reports were given a message beeped on my terminal.

"Dinner again?"

I sent one back. "Are you buying or cooking?"

His eyes lit up as he read my message and typed one back to me. "Cooking."

"I’ll be there."

I looked forward to my evening with Chakotay. He was wonderful company and an excellent cook. And anything he cooked was sure to be better than leola root.

"Ok, so Ensign Cooper wants to work in astrometrics for while and Ensign Delaney..."

"That’s Jenny."

"Right. She’s going to swap with him." I turned towards Chakotay’s end of the couch for confirmation. He nodded and looked back to the padd he was holding. "Do you think this ‘job cross training’ will work to boost the crew’s morale?"

"I think that not only will it help with morale, but it will help with efficiency, too. More people will know different jobs and that can’t hurt."

I kicked off my boots and propped my feet up on his table. Sinking down into his soft couch I briefly thought about how comfortable I had become with Chakotay. Not too many people saw me with my shoes off. Of course the man next to me had seen a lot more than my feet. I yawned and closed my eyes.

"Kathryn?"

"Hmm?"

"You can sleep in my bed if you don’t want to go back to your quarters. I’ll stay on the couch."

I cracked an eye at him and saw the sincerity of his offer written all over his face. I smiled sleepily at him. "Thanks Chakotay, but I just live next door."

He smiled and looked down. "I’m sorry. I guess I just want to keep you close to me."

I reached over and took his hand. "I’m right here. I just don’t want us to get too comfortable with each other. We still need a little edge, you know. And what if one of the crew saw?"

"I know."

"I’d better go to bed now. Thanks for dinner, Chakotay. It was wonderful, as always."

"You’re welcome, Kathryn. As always."

"The past few weeks have gone as weeks normally do. We’ve eaten together, commanded together…there isn’t much I don’t do with Chakotay. We are…very comfortable in each other’s presence. Any member of the crew who sees us together would never guess that we’d shared the most passionate night of my life only a month ago. Last night we sat in his quarters doing our own work. It felt good simply to be with him even though we weren’t working on the same project. Sometime soon after I finished my last padd, I lay down on the couch and watched him work. I watched his brow furrow at something he read and then he broke out into the full-dimpled grin I love so much. I must have fallen asleep sometime after that because I don’t remember anything else until he woke me up two hours later. He explained that he’d let me stay, but knew I didn’t want to. He walked me to the door and without thinking about it I kissed him goodnight. It was on the cheek, but I could see the longing in his eyes. What confuses me is that I welcomed it. I wasn’t afraid of his feelings, or mine. I walked down to my quarters and slept soundly until my alarm woke me this morning. Chakotay is meeting me in the mess in 15 minutes for breakfast. I hope Neelix serves Purple eggs again. I’m famished. Computer, End Personal Log."

"…and the replicator. They were fascinated, Kathryn. Guess what they kept asking me to replicate?"

"What?"

"Coffee!" I could see the shine in his eyes even over my comm screen. "I think I’ve found you some kindred spirits."

I laughed out loud and he smiled affectionately at me. I sighed and traced the rim of my coffee cup with my finger. "Are you going to be done on time or are the negotiations going to take longer than planned?"

"We should be out of here in four days. Tom says that the mines aren’t as treacherous as our initial scans showed." He paused and his brow furrowed in thought. "Kathryn, are you eating well? You never eat well unless I’m there to make sure you do."

I smiled and reached a hand forward to caress his face on the screen but stopped halfway and brushed some hair behind my ear, hoping he hadn’t realized what I had intended to do. I guessed he hadn’t because he kept right on talking about how he wanted me to replicate some dinner right now so he could watch me eat it. I laughed at him and it struck me that he makes me laugh quite often.

"I’m serious. Please eat. I don’t want you to get sick."

"I’m fine, Chakotay. Really. Neelix has been bringing all of my meals to me. Although, I should have gotten your recipe for vegetarian lasagna before you left. I’ve gotten to love the stuff."

"It is good, isn’t it? I’ll make it for you when I get home."

Home. He’d said ‘home’. I wondered when he’d started to think of Voyager as home. I’d heard other crewmembers call it that before, but never Chakotay. I must have been staring off into space because he started waving his arms and calling, "Kathryn? Where are you?"

"I’m sorry. Just thinking about something." I yawned and my yawn prompted one from him. " I guess we’d better go to bed. Good night, Chakotay."

"Good night, Kathryn."

"Computer, End Transmission."

The screen blinked back to the Starfleet insignia that adorned it continuously. Seeing it made me wonder how Starfleet would feel about the thoughts going through my mind concerning my first officer and how he made this ‘life’, this ‘home’ bearable for me. Maybe it was time I made it bearable for him.

"The away team has beamed aboard Captain."

"Very good, Mr. Kim. Ensign, set course for the Alpha Quadrant."

After a few minutes Chakotay and Tom were back on the bridge and all was right in my world.

"Commander, I’d like to be debriefed." I looked over at him and he nodded. "My ready room, please."

The door swished shut behind us and he sat in front of my desk. "Can I get you something, Chakotay?"

He was looking over a padd he’d carried onto the bridge. "Mmm, coffee, please."

I smiled and he looked up at me after I didn’t move toward the replicator.

"Did you want me to get it?"

"No, no." I must have looked like a fool standing there grinning at him so I turned to the replicator and order up to coffees. "I was just surprised that you wanted coffee." I handed it to him and sat down behind my desk. He took a long sip and closed his eyes. "I’ve never had so much coffee in my life until this planet. They couldn’t get enough and always insisted that I join them. I think I’m hooked."

I laughed and reached for the padd he was holding. I started reading over it but gave up after the 2nd line. I could feel his stare on my skin as I tried to read and concentrate. He was assessing if I’d eaten and if I’d slept. If I was ok or not. I looked up from the padd and smiled at him. "Are you done scanning, Commander? What does your tri-corder tell you?"

"If I were to scan you with a tri-corder it would tell me that you are drinking to much coffee, not eating enough good food, and not getting enough sleep." He sighed. "I haven’t been here to take care of you."

I smiled and looked into his eyes. "I’ve missed you."

He looked back at me with such longing and love in his eyes that I nearly melted onto the floor. "I’ve missed you, too."

"Have dinner with me? My quarters?"

"I’ll be there."

The rest of the day was spent over reports and stocking supplies in the cargo bays. Dinner couldn’t get here fast enough.

"I’m glad you made your lasagna. You wouldn’t have liked what I had planned."

"What was that?"

I laughed. "Honestly I didn’t have anything planned except for you to be here with me."

He looked surprised and at a loss for words. Finally he managed, "I’m glad you like the lasagna."

A few minutes went by and we ate in uncomfortable silence. I think he was surprised that I was being so emotional about his being gone on the away mission. I needed to say something more but wasn’t sure how to start. I looked up at him. He was eating and reading a padd.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

He was still reading and hadn’t really realized what we were talking about. I leaned over the table and got into his space.

"No, I…I mean I’ve really missed you."

He looked up from his padd and leaning forward he set it on the table. "Kathryn?"

"Chakotay…what would you say to one more day? We both have the day off tomorrow. Will you spend it with me?" I got up from the table and walked over to where he was sitting.

My meaning wasn’t lost on him but I’m sure he wanted to know exactly what I was asking. He stood up to face me. "We spend every day and most evenings together, Kathryn. What exactly are you asking?"

With tears rolling down my face I gently grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his. He wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back. His tongue slid across my lips and into my mouth. I could feel his fingers trembling as his hands roamed up and down my back, pulling me in closer. I ground my hips against him and was rewarded with a soft moan of desire. He pulled away and looked down at me with passionately heavy eyes. "If we do this again, I’m not sure I’ll be able to leave at midnight tomorrow."

"I’m not sure I’ll want you to go."

He kissed me lightly and pulled away again. "I’ll do whatever you want, Kathryn. Just please don’t ask me to be your lover one night and only your best friend the next. I need you. Gods, I need you." The last part he said almost like a plea. I couldn’t have refused him if I wanted to.

I smiled up at him and traced his tattoo with my finger. "No, I won’t ask you to stop. Just promise me something?" His forehead rested against mine and I felt totally at peace.

"Anything."

"Let me have your babies."

"Kathryn?"

---END---

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