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The Red Dot

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Written by: Larry David
Directed by: Tom Cherones
Broadcasted: December 11th, 1991 for the first time.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, 
Jason Alexander, Richard Fancy (as Mr. Lippman), David Naughton (as Dick), and Bridget Sienna (as Evie).  



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[Setting: Pendant Publishing office building]

(A Christmas party is going on as Jerry and George enter in mid-argument)

JERRY: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Oh, no, you do.

JERRY: What-what do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tug boat pulled it all the way from France?

GEORGE: What do you think, they brought it over in pieces and screwed it all together like a coffee table?

JERRY: (Looking around at the various party members) What's going on here? It's a little early for a Christmas party, isn't it?

GEORGE: Why did France give that to us, anyway?

JERRY: It was a gift.

GEORGE: So countries just exchange gifts like that?

JERRY: (Nodding) If they like each other?

GEORGE: (Pointing) There's Elaine.

(Elaine and a co-worker are laughing and talking across the room)

JERRY: Oh, see that guy she's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.

GEORGE: Really? He works here in the office?

JERRY: Yeah, they're having a little fling, so don't say anything to anyone.

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about.

JERRY: (Pointing out) You don't. (George nods slightly - agreeing. Jerry adds) He's a recovering alcoholic.

GEORGE: (Somewhat interested) Really?

JERRY: Yeah, he's been off the wagon two years.

GEORGE: (Questioning the phrase) "Off the wagon"?

JERRY: I think it's off the wagon.

GEORGE: (Correcting) I think it's ON the wagon. (Scoffs at Jerry)

(Elaine, having just noticed Jerry and George, leaves Dick to greet them)

ELAINE: Jerry? George? What are you doing here?

JERRY: (Reaching into his pocket) "What am I doing here?" (Pulls Elaine's watch out) Ba-boom!

ELAINE: (Shrieks out in joy) My God! My watch! You found my watch! (Shoves him back playfully)

JERRY: Hey, keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for ya.

ELAINE: Where did you find it?

JERRY: Under the sofa cushion.

ELAINE: (Touched) You stopped by just to give it to me?

JERRY: (Arms out) It's your Christmas present!

ELAINE: (Laughs) I thought I'd never find it. (Puts it on)

GEORGE: Well, it's your lucky day.

ELAINE: No, today's YOUR lucky day.

GEORGE: It would be my first one..

ELAINE: (Smiling) You wanna work here?

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: Yeah, one of the readers just left. There's a job opening. (Dick, Elaine's new boyfriend, approaches and stands behind Elaine) Oh, um, Dick, this is Jerry, and this is George.

JERRY: Hi, nice to meet ya.

DICK: (To Elaine, looking at Jerry) Is this the guy?

JERRY: (Questioning, to George) "the guy"?

ELAINE: (Scolding) Dick..

GEORGE: (About the job offer) How could you just get it?

ELAINE: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. C'mon.

GEORGE: But, uh..

ELAINE: No, no, no, C'mon. C'mon. (To Jerry) Here, hold my drink.

JERRY: (Accepts it) Cranberry juice?

ELAINE: And Vodka. C'mon. (Takes George's arm, leading him to another room on the floor)

DICK: (Referring to his own cup) I got the cranberry juice.. (Jerry and Dick both set the drinks they're holding down on a nearby table) So, uh, you're Jerry.

JERRY: (Making fun of the greeting) So.. I'm Jerry.

(Scene cuts to George, Elaine, and Mr. Lippman)

LIPPMAN: So, have you ever done this kinda work before?

GEORGE: (Somewhat nervous) Well, uh, you know.. book reports.. that kinda stuff.

(Elaine and Lippman both laugh, taking it as a joke)

LIPPMAN: Who do you read?

GEORGE: I, uh, I like Mike Lupica.

LIPPMAN: Mike Lupica?

GEORGE: He's a sports writer for the "Daily News". I find him very insightful.

LIPPMAN: No, no, no. I mean - I mean, authors.

GOERGE: Ohhh.. (Laughs nervously) Ah, a lotta good ones.. (Struggling to find an author's name) Lotta.. good ones. Uh.. I - I don't even want to mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.

LIPPMAN: (Persistent) Name a couple.

GEORGE: Who do I like? I like.. uh.. Art.. Vandelay.

LIPPMAN: Art Vandelay?

GEORGE: (Nods) He's an obscure writer. Beatnik.. You know, out on the village..

LIPPMAN: (Shrugs) What's he written?

GEORGE: "Venetian Blinds".

(Scene cuts back to Jerry and Dick)

DICK: (Picking up Elaine's drink on accident) I got news for ya, (Menacing tone) I'm funnier than you are. (Walks off)

JERRY: (Jokingly calling after Dick) Hey, why don't we get together New Years Day and watch some football?

(Elaine and George approach Jerry)

ELAINE: Where's my drink?

JERRY: (Pointing at Dick's drink) There. (She picks it up, drinks from it) So, how'd it go?

GEORGE: I think he's impressed.

ELAINE: Mmm.. (Shaking her head) No, no, no. This is just cranberry juice.

JERRY: (Realizing) Oh, um, I think, maybe, Dick.. picked up yours.

ELAINE: Dick? (Near whisper) He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.

JERRY: I didn't know you meant HOLD it. I thought you meant hold it.

ELAINE: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon!

GEORGE: (Quick, pointing at Jerry) Told you!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: A woman's clothing store]

(Jerry and George are looking around)

JERRY: I never feel comfortable in the woman's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress..

GEORGE: Do I really have to buy her something?

JERRY: Hey, the woman got you a job - the least you could do is buy her a gift. (Notices a nearby sweater on a table) How about this?

GEORGE: (Scoffs) What is that, cashmere?

JERRY: (Picking it up) Yeah, she loves cashmere.

GEORGE: Who doesn't like cashmere?! Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.

JERRY: (Reading the price tag) Look at this, it's 85 dollars - marked down from 600.

GEORGE: Wow. (Getting the attention of a saleswoman) Uh, excuse me, Miss?

SALESWOMAN: Yes?

GEORGE: (Takes the sweater as Jerry hands it to him) How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?

SALESWOMAN: Oh, here, this is why. (Directs his attention to a small area on the sweater)

GEORGE: What? I don't see anything.

SALESWOMAN: See this red dot?

GEORGE: Oh.. yeah.

JERRY: Oh, it's damaged. (Goes to put it back, George quickly snatches it out of his hands)

GEORGE: Well, it's not really damaged. (To saleswoman) Uh, 85 dollars, huh?

SALESWOMAN: Mm-hmm. There's no exchanges on this. (Walks off)

GEORGE: You think she'd care about the dot?

JERRY: It's hard to say.

GEORGE: I - I don't even think she'd notice it. (Holds it up) Can you see it?

JERRY: Well, I can see it.

GEORGE: Yeah, but you know where it is.

JERRY: Well, what do you want me to do? Not look at it?

GEORGE: (Holding it behind his back) Pretend you didn't know it was there. (Holds it back up) Can you see it?

JERRY: It's hard for me to pretend because I know where it is.

GEORGE: Well, just take an overview. Can't you take an overview?!

JERRY: You want me to take an overview?

GEORGE: Please!

JERRY: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater, trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]





NOT YET FINISHED.