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The Calzone

 first aired : 4/25/96

 director : Andy Ackerman

 writers : Berg / Schaffer

 Characters :

 Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld

 Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer

 Jason Alexander as George Costanza

 and

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes 


 George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium

 George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium , 

 don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors 

 all the way to the floors ......

 Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd 

 suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I 

 was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It 

 looks pretty tasty . 

 George : It's a calzone , sir . 

 Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at 

 at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's 

 a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?

 George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .

 Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's 

 get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . 

 excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay 

 lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . 

 Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those 

 calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone . 

 Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

 Jerry and Elaine at apartment 

 Elaine : One of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . I won a bet 

 from him . 

 Jerry : What bet ?

 Elaine : He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars . 

 Jerry : Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader . 

 I don't think so . 

 Elaine : That's what I said . 

 Jerry : So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ?

 Elaine : Yeah . 

 Jerry : Huh .

 Elaine : What ?

 Jerry : No . nothing . 

 Kramer walks in 

 Jerry : What's with you ?

 Kramer : Feel this . 

 Jerry : Wow .That's hot . 

 Kramer : Yeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer . Hey Elaine 

 you have to feel my pants . 

 Elaine : I'll see you later . 

 Kramer : Oh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm loving this 

 Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight 

 out of the dryer . 

 Jerry : So know every time you get dressed . You are going to go down to the 

 basement and use the dryer . 

 Kramer : Oh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . So what are you 

 doing later ?

 Jerry : I got a date with Nikki . 

 Kramer : Oh yeah she's a beauty . 

 Jerry : She's also quite bold . 

 Kramer : Oh bold and beautiful .

 George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

 Mr. Steinbrenner : I am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents it from 

 dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A lost and found 

 . No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because they lost 

 something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth by the way . 

 George : You know a lost and found could be a good idea . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : Hold on Watson . You like lost and found George ?

 George : Definitely . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : All right lost and found . But these got to be a time limit 

 . We're not running a pawn shop here . 

 Jerry and Nikki at movies

 Jerry : Hey , Elaine . 

 Elaine : Hi Jerry !

 Jerry : This is Nikki . 

 Nikki : Hi !

 Elaine : Hello . This is Todd Gack . 

 Jerry : Oh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star Wars ? Sammy 

 Davis Jr.

 Elaine : So what movie are you guys seeing ?

 Nikki : "Means to an End "

 Elaine : Oh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So were going to 

 see " Blame it on the Rain "

 Jerry : Why don't you see what you can do ?

 Nikki : Okay . 

 Elaine : What's she going to do ? There's no more tickets . 

 Jerry : We'll see . 

 Todd : Hey Jerry . Do you like cigars ?

 Jerry : Yeah . Why ?

 Todd : I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap . 

 Jerry : Hey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding . 

 Todd : So do you want a box ?

 Jerry : Sure . If there cheap Why not . 

 Todd : All right I buy a box and give to Elaine . 

 Nikki : Okay two tickets "Means to an End" 

 Jerry : Told you . 

 Elaine : How did you do that ?

 Nikki : I just talked to the manager . 

 Jerry : All right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain "

 Jerry and George at the coffee shop 

 George : There putting in a lost and found because of me . There's a time 

 limit but still . 

 Jerry : There really building a Utopian society up there huh .And you 

 tribute all this to the calzone . 

 George : Yeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked . I am having 

 lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without me . 

 It's very exciting . 

 Jerry : With you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle is in 

 place. 

 George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little 

 thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and 

 just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am 

 leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't 

 notice it what's the point . 

 Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind . 

 George : Not bills . 

 Jerry : So George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants . 

 We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and talks to the 

 manager . Right in . 

 George : Beautiful women . You know they could get away with murder . You 

 never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get whatever they 

 want whenever they want it . You can't stop them . 

 Jerry : She's like a beautiful Godzilla . 

 George : Without thousands of fleeing Japanese . 

 Jerry and Kramer at his apartment

 Kramer : Hey buddy . 

 Jerry : What the hell is all this ?

 Kramer : I am looking for quarters for the dryer . 

 Jerry : Why can't you do this on your table ?

 Kramer : Because I don't have a table . 

 Elaine walks in 

 Elaine : Hey .

 Jerry : Hey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?"

 Elaine : Huh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too .

 Jerry : Oh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of the bet ?

 Kramer leaves 

 Elaine : No . We were both in the mood for one . 

 Jerry : You know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of 

 close fiends ....

 Elaine : Oh is that so .

 Jerry : Absolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened last 

 night was more than a simple bet . 

 Elaine : What are you talking about ?

 Jerry : Come on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he knew he was 

 going to lose just to take you to dinner 

 Elaine : If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me. 

 Jerry : Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected . He has 

 found a dating loop hole .

 Elaine : I don't buy it.

 Kramer walks in with more change 

 Jerry : So what happened after the movie ?

 Elaine : Nothing . He walked me home .

 Jerry : To the door ?

 Elaine : Yeah .

 Jerry : That's a date . 

 Elaine : No it's not . 

 Jerry : But I never walk you home .

 Elaine : That's just because your a jackass . 

 Kramer : Ah !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated up ?

 Jerry : No , no . 

 Elaine : No , no . 

 Jerry : So how did you leave it with him ?

 Elaine : I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars . 

 Jerry : That's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking you out . 

 Elaine : Your crazy !

 Jerry : Crazy like a man . 

 George at Pisano's

 Worker : Number 49. 

 George : You know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So you and I are 

 like country men . Pisano's !

 Worker : $ 6.50 your change . 

 George : And I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little 

 something.

 ( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides to take it 

 out and try again only to get caught )

 Worker : Hey ! You steal my money !!

 George : No no . That's not what I was trying to do . 

 Worker : I know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come back ever . 

 George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium 

 George : I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : Beautiful . I am starving George . 

 George : I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : Corn beef . I don't think so . It is a little fatty . 

 George : How about Chinese ?

 Mr. Steinbrenner : Uhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess , big mess . 

 Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's the 

 ticket . 

 George : I just thought it would be nice . A little variety . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : No , no , no . George let me tell you something . When I 

 find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same 

 lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George 

 . First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing more 

 satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table . 

 Todd walking Elaine to her apartment 

 Elaine : Thanks for the dinner . 

 Todd : Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry . 

 Elaine : Hey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole date thing 

 just a way of asking me out ?

 Todd : What ?

 Elaine : I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ?

 Todd : Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner . 

 Elaine : Oh all right . Okay well , goodnight . 

 Todd : Hey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere 

 ?

 Elaine : See what is that ? Is that a date ?

 Todd : Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date ?

 Elaine : All right . I am sorry it's not a date . 

 Todd : No way . So I'll see you Saturday night ?

 Elaine : All right . 

 Todd : Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.

 Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop 

 Police officer : Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is ?

 Jerry : I was got to be 55 .

 Police officer : That's right it is . Do you know how fast you were going ?

 Jerry : A lot faster than that !

 Police officer : Step out of the car sir . 

 Jerry : Okay dokey 

 Police officer : Can I have your license and registration please ?

 Jerry : Absolutely . Nikki !

 Nikki : Yes . 

 Jerry : Would you mind bringing the officer the registration ?

 Nikki : Not at all . 

 Police officer : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour . 

 Jerry : You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because 

 for a while there I was doing well over 100 . 

 Nikki : Officer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ?

 Jerry : All right Nik . That's it . 

 Kramer and Jerry at his apartment 

 Kramer : Hey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt . 

 Jerry : You got your shirt in my oven !?!

 Kramer : I didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this is better . 

 And it's more convenient . 

 Jerry : For both of us .

 Kramer : And I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going for 10 minutes 

 at 325 degrees . 

 Jerry : What's wrong with your oven ?

 Kramer : I am baking a pie !

 Buzz , buzz

 Jerry : Yeah .

 George : Yeah . 

 Jerry : Come on up . 

 Kramer : You got cigars , huh . 

 Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted 

 to pay for but what the hell !

 Kramer : Oh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "

 Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming . 

 Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in 

 Peru for $300 bucks !

 Kramer : You got ripped buddy . 

 Jerry : I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse 

 to see Elaine again without asking her out . 

 Kramer : That's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg )

 Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt 

 on ) Hey George hey . 

 Kramer leaves 

 George : Well this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now . 

 Jerry : so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones ?

 George : What's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody knows what 

 this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function . 

 Jerry : Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for 

 you ?

 George : Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him . You know 

 how these interoffice politics work . 

 Jerry : No . I never had a job . 

 Kramer walks in with no pants on 

 Kramer : I decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants)

 George : What the hell is this ?

 Jerry : Kramer's cooking up some corduroy . 

 George : There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's .

 Kramer : Pisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ?

 George : Yeah . You've heard of it ?

 Kramer : Yeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route . He goes by 

 there everyday . 

 George : I'll see you guys later .

 Jerry : What kind of pie are you cooking ?

 Kramer : Huckleberry .

 George at Newman's apartment 

 Newman : You certainly are in a bind . 

 George : Yeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping that we 

 could help each other out . 

 Newman : Oh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you Costanza . 

 You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just 

 it up wasting your lives . 

 George : Are you going to help me or not ?

 Newman : All right , all right . I'll help you but I will except something in 

 return . 

 George : What ?

 Newman : Well for starters I want a calzone of my own .....

 George : All right . 

 Newman : And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a 

 week I will require a canolie . 

 George : That's a little steep don't you think ?

 Newman : You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic . I would hate 

 to see him when he's hungry . 

 George : All right , all right . 

 Newman : Do we have a deal ?

 George : But I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment about his 

 meals . 

 Newman : I know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business with you . Do 

 come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha .

 Todd and Elaine at a restaurant 

 Elaine : This is nice . 

 Todd : Gack . Party of four . 

 Elaine : Party of four ? Who are we meeting ?

 Todd : Mom ! Dad ! This is Elaine . 

 Mom : Hello . 

 Elaine : Hellllllooooo . 

 End of dinner 

 Mom : Nice meeting you . 

 Todd : Bye mom . 

 Mom : She's wonderful . 

 Elaine : What the hell was that ?

 Todd : What ?

 Elaine : Why did you introduce me to your parents ?

 Todd : There nice people . I thought you would like them . 

 Elaine : Come on Todd . Admit it , this is a date . 

 Todd : Why is this a date ?

 Elaine : Saturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister this is a 

 date.

 Todd : Elaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents 

 without classifying it as a date . 

 Elaine : Well if it's not a date then what is it ?

 Todd : It's a lovely evening together . 

 Elaine : I don't believe this . 

 Todd : Well I am getting a cab want to join me ?

 Elaine : No . I'll just walk home . 

 Todd : Okay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her ) 

 Elaine : Now what was that ?

 George at Newman's apartment

 Knock , knock 

 Newman : Hello . What 's this ?

 George : Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week .... Um 

 shouldn't you be at work by now ?

 Newman : Work ? It's raining . 

 George : Soooooo 

 Newman : I called in sick . I don't work in the rain . 

 George : You don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither rain nor sleet 

 nor snow ....." It's the first one . 

 Newman : I was never that big on creeds . 

 George : You were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal !

 Newman : I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route . 

 Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps tomorrow . 

 George : But I'm paying you !

 Newman : Yes thank you . ( slams door )

 George : Newman !!

 Nikki and Jerry at his apartment 

 Nikki : Peru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ?

 Jerry : I did . 

 Nikki : Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him ?

 Jerry : Well what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit .

 Nikki : Okay . 

 George at Kramer's apartment

 Knock , knock 

 George : Kramer !

 Kramer : Hey you !

 George : Look I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me lunch at 

 Pisano's . 

 Kramer : What happened to Newman ?

 George : He called in sick . 

 Kramer : Oh yeah right it's raining .

 George : Can you do it ?

 Kramer : What time do you need it at ?

 George : 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ?

 Kramer : No . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded . 

 Kramer on street 

 Kramer : Hey hold that bus ! 

 Kramer at Pisano's 

 Kramer : Hey . It's really wet out there . 

 Worker : What can I get you ?

 Kramer : I here you make a pretty mean calzone .

 Worker : Calzone !

 Kramer : Yeah calzone . 

 Worker : The best !

 Kramer : All right . Lay them on me . I'll take three . 

 Worker : Three calzones . 

 Kramer : Hey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering if you could 

 do me a favor . 

 Elaine goes to the coffee shop

 Elaine : Hey Todd . 

 Todd : Hi . You know Nikki . 

 Elaine Yeah sure . 

 Nikki : Wait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" stand for in Richard 

 M. Nixon ? 

 Elaine : Milhouse . 

 Nikki : I told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner . 

 Kramer at Pisano's 

 Worker : Your order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and jacket . 

 Kramer : Oh . This is all burned up . Look at this . 

 Worker : What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the hell is 

 this? Your paying in pennies ?

 Kramer : That's all I got . 

 Worker : No . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't pay with this. 

 Kramer : I told you this is all I got . 

 Worker : Then no calzones . 

 Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian 

 George's office at Yankee Stadium 

 George : What happened ? Where have you been ?

 Kramer : The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change . 

 George : What the hell happened to your shirt ?

 Kramer : He overcooked it . It's ruined . 

 George : Your clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another Italian place 

 on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner at his office 

 Mr. Steinbrenner on phone : That's right . Do you want to say it again . I'll 

 say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care 

 that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired . Okay your not 

 .I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . It's 1:15 . 

 He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's in the 

 building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office . Costanza 

 ! I'll get you . 

 Jerry and Elaine at apartment 

 Jerry : Stupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him 

 they wouldn't be together . 

 Elaine : These are terrible . 

 Jerry : It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone .

 Elaine : What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway . 

 Jerry : I think it's Dutch . I got to get going . 

 Elaine : Where are you going ?

 Jerry : I ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her . 

 Elaine : But she broke up with you . 

 Jerry : I know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't 

 say no . 

 Elaine : It smells like a rubber fire . 

 Jerry :What's that ?

 Elaine : I said rubber fire . 

 Jerry : Oh . 

 Elaine : Did you ever pay Todd for these things ? 

 Jerry : Actually it's being taken care of right now . 

 Kramer at Todd's apartment 

 Knock , knock 

 Kramer : You Gack ?

 Todd : Yeah . 

 Kramer : Here's your money . 

 Kramer throws a bag full of change at him 

 Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : George . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's ?

 George : Because they were heated up there . 

 Mr. Steinbrenner : Heating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea .