Episode 120 The Rye Written by Carol Leifer Directed by Andy Ackerman Guest Starring Regular Cast --------------------- ------------------- ESTELLE HARRIS as Estelle JERRY SEINFELD as Jerry JERRY STILLER as Frank JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSS as Elaine HEIDI SWEDBERG as Susan JASON ALEXANDER as George GRACE ZABRISKIE as Mrs. Ross MICHAEL RICHARDS as Kramer WARREN FROST as Mr. Ross JEFF YAGHER as John FRANCES BAY as Mabel LEONARD LIGHTFOOT as Clyde DON AMENDOLIA as Dennis KATHRYN KATES as Counter Woman STEVE IRELAND as Music Guy DEAN FORTUNATO as Manager ======================================================================== ELAINE: [thinking] I cant believe Im going out with this guy. Wow! Hes so cool. Maybe hell write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again. [club applauds] ELAINE: Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific. JERRY: Maybe hell write a song about you. ELAINE: Yeah. Right. [laughing] Like that really matters. JERRY: So I take it hes spongeworthy? ELAINE: Oh, yeah. JERRY: Well, hes a musician. I guess theyre supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free. ELAINE: Well, actually, hes - hes not that way at all. JERRY: Oh, no? ELAINE: Yeah. In fact, he....[moaning] JERRY: Come on. Come on. ELAINE: I dont wanna! JERRY: Elaine, youre among friends. ELAINE: [sighs] Well, actually, he, um, doesnt really like to do... everything. JERRY: Oh. ELAINE: Yeah. Its surprising. JERRY: Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you? ELAINE: No. No, it doesnt bother me. I mean, it would be nice. Im not gonna lie to you and say it wouldnt be nice. JERRY: Sure. Why not? Youre there. ELAINE: Exactly. JERRY: But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe hes, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen. KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car. JERRY: What stuff? KRAMER: I just came from the price club. Im loaded up, baby. JERRY: All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff. KRAMER: Course I will. These are staples. JERRY: A four-pound can of black olives? Thats a staple? KRAMER: Lindsay olives, Jerry. JERRY: A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs? KRAMER: $17.50. You cant beat that. JERRY: Look...look at this can of tuna! KRAMER: Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna dont make their cut. JERRY: This isnt for a person. This is for Biosphere 3. KRAMER: Hey, Clyde! CLYDE: Hey, Kramer! Whats happening, dude? KRAMER: Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here. CLYDE: How ya doin? JERRY: Hi. KRAMER: You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine. JERRY: John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine. CLYDE: Oh yeah? JERRY: Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin out. Theyre pretty hot and heavy. CLYDE: Is that right? KRAMER: Hey, how bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs. CLYDE: Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the hands. My hands are my life. ESTELLE: Georgie, can you zip me up? GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah, one second. ESTELLE: Well, come on! GEORGE: All right. All right. Lets not get into panic mode! Lets not make a big deal outta this thing or were never gonna get through this night. ESTELLE: Well, Im meeting your in-laws, I think I should look nice. GEORGE: My in-laws. Oh, my.... FRANK: So, what do you think? Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh? ESTELLE: I dont like that tie. FRANK: Whats the matter with this tie? Ive hardly worn it. ESTELLE: Its too thin. Theyre wearing wide now. FRANK: How do you know what kind of ties they wear? ESTELLE: Go to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if theres anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead! FRANK: Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue. ESTELLE: George, do you think he should wear a tie like that? FRANK: Huh? GEORGE: I think he should wear whatever tie he wants. FRANK: We gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzers. ESTELLE: Its out of our way. Why cant we pick up something at Lords? Its right over here. FRANK: No! We have to go to Schnitzers! Ill show these people something about taste! GEORGE: This is gonna be fun. JERRY: Hey, youll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. Hes in your friend John Germaines band there. ELAINE: So what did he have to say? JERRY: Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy. ELAINE: Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy? JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: What did you do that for? JERRY: What? ELAINE: What if he tells John? Then Johns gonna think that I think that were hot and heavy. I dont want John thinking that Im hot and heavy if hes not hot and heavy. JERRY: Oh ELAINE: Im trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I dont wanna make any big, sudden movements. Ill frighten him away. JERRY: Well, Clyde might not tell him. ELAINE: How do you know that? JERRY: I should have helped Kramer with those packages. ELAINE: Ohh! [Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded with dozens of pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway] DENNIS: Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. I wonder, could you do me a favor? Im taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder... KRAMER: Uh-huh. DENNIS: I wonder, could you pick up my mail? KRAMER: Yeah. Sure. Sure. DENNIS: In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week? KRAMER: Drive the horse? DENNIS: Itll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. Ill split it with ya. KRAMER: Oh, giddyup. Yeah. GEORGE: This is delicious, Mrs. Ross. MRS. ROSS: Oh. MR. ROSS: What are you complimenting her for? She didnt make it Rowenna did. FRANK: What is this thing anyway? MRS. ROSS: Its Cornish gamehen. FRANK: What is that, like a little chicken? GEORGE: Its, uh, its not a little chicken. [laughing] Little chicken. Its a gamebird. FRANK: Gamebird? GEORGE: Yeah. FRANK: What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt it? MR. ROSS: Yes. FRANK: How hard could it be to kill this thing? ESTELLE: I couldnt help but notice that you have quite a library in there. MRS. ROSS: If I had a dime for every book hes actually read, [laughing] Id be broke. SUSAN: More wine anyone? FRANK: Yeah. Ill take some. SUSAN: Hmmm? FRANK: Thank you. SUSAN: How do you like the merlot? ESTELLE: Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they just invent it? MRS. ROSS: Oh, mother. GEORGE: Shes, uh, shes heard of merlot. FRANK: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, whos having sex with the hen? GEORGE: Why dont we talk about it another time. FRANK: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Somethings missing! MRS. ROSS: Somethings missing all right. MR. ROSS: Theyre all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them. FRANK: Thats perverse. GEORGE: Did anybody see Firestorm? MR. ROSS: Firestorm, thats a hell of a picture. GEORGE: Yeah. MR. ROSS: Remember when they had the helicopter land on top of that car -- FRANK: Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I havent seen it yet. MR. ROSS: It doesnt have anything to do with the plot! FRANK: Still! Still! I like to go in fresh! GEORGE: Oh mother of God. [clip clop] KRAMER: Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On Rusty! [applause] JOHN: Thank you. Now, Id like to play something th -- well, actually, its my latest so its nice and fresh. Its called Hot And Heavy. [saxophone playing] GEORGE: Thank God thats over. ESTELLE: The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard. I didnt like that. FRANK: And who doesnt serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something! GEORGE: So, they didnt give you a piece of cake? Big deal. ESTELLE: It is a big deal. Youre supposed to serve cake after a meal. Im sorry. Its impolite. FRANK: Not impolite...its stupid, thats what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that! ESTELLE: Your fathers absolutely right. Were sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake! GEORGE: What is this? The marble rye? MRS. ROSS: Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that - that bread they brought. ESTELLE: We forgot to bring it in. FRANK: No, I brought it in. They never put it out. MRS. ROSS: Where is it? SUSAN: I dont know. Whered you put it? MRS. ROSS: Right over there. SUSAN: Well, its gone. GEORGE: You stole the bread? FRANK: What do you mean stole? Its my bread. They didnt eat it. Why should I leave it there? GEORGE: Because we brought it for them! FRANK: Apparently, it wasnt good enough for them to serve. MRS. ROSS: Is it possible they took it back? SUSAN: Who would bring a bread and take it back? MR. ROSS: Those people, thats who. I think theyre sick. ESTELLE: People take buses to get that rye. GEORGE: Maybe they forgot to put it out! FRANK: Aw, they didnt forget to put it out! Its deliberate! Deliberate, I tell ya! JERRY: He stole back the rye? GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: Why? GEORGE: Why? Why? Cause hes off his rocker! Thats why. JERRY: So, do the Rosses know? GEORGE: I dont know. Theyre all very suspicious. JERRY: Why wouldnt they be? A rye bread doesnt just disappear. GEORGE: Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life. JERRY: Bad situation. GEORGE: Ill tell you what Id like to do. Id like to replace that rye. JERRY: What do you mean replace it? GEORGE: You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzers. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is. JERRY: Well, there ya go. Whats so hard about that? GEORGE: Whats so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I cant just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment! JERRY: All right. All right. Dont panic. Lets just think about it. Get the Rosses out of the apartment. That cant be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramers been driving that hansom cab. GEORGE: So? JERRY: Well, Kramerll take them around for a while. GEORGE: And its their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think theyd like that? JERRY: Are you kidding? People love it. Theres something about the clip clop, clip clop. Theyre nuts for it. GEORGE: So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there. JERRY: What about Susan? GEORGE: Shes working late that night. Were - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight oclock so Ill set up the ride for seven oclock. JERRY: Beautiful! GEORGE: You think Kramerll do it? KRAMER: Of course Ill do it. Id be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there at seven? GEORGE: Yeah. Just take em out and ride em around for about..half an hour. KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: What the hell are you doing there? KRAMER: Its Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some? JERRY: No. No thanks. KRAMER: Jerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I dont have any room for it all. GEORGE: Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment? JERRY: Just put it under your shirt. GEORGE: Have you ever seen a Schnitzers rye? It - its huge! JERRY: Ill tell ya what, Ill bring it over. Ill stop by Schnitzers, Ill come by five after seven right after they leave. GEORGE: Oh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! [laughing] ELAINE: Hey. Is that your horse outside? KRAMER: Yeah. Thats Rusty. GEORGE: What? Hes outside? KRAMER: Uh-huh. GEORGE: Aw, come on. I wanna go see him. KRAMER: You wanna go see him? GEORGE: Yeah. Hey! Hey! KRAMER: Ill show ya Rusty. GEORGE: Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey? ELAINE: Well, you really did me in this time, didnt ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, were getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesnt do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy. JERRY: So, you think Clyde told him? ELAINE: He wrote a song about it! JERRY: Well, maybe its a good thing. ELAINE: No! Its not a good thing! Its a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what thats like? JERRY: No, but Ive read articles and I must say it, doesnt sound very pleasant. ELAINE: You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to! JERRY: No. Im gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, youre seeing him tonight so talk to him about it. ELAINE: I cant! Hes got a big showcase for record producers at his late show tonight. I dont wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, Ill upset him. MR. ROSS: Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it. GEORGE: Aw, well, you know, its your anniversary. Its - its the least I can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs? MR. ROSS: Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You, uh, seem a little nervous George. Anything wrong? GEORGE: Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. Im fine. Everythings fine. Fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, thats all. Could I, uh, could I get a glass of water? MRS. ROSS: Weve got water. I dont think we have any bread, but weve got water. KRAMER: Yeah. There ya go. Thats Beef-A-Reeno. [singing] Im so keen-o On Beef-A-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans. MR. ROSS: Nice night for a hansom cab ride, ay George? MRS. ROSS: You know, George we havent done anything romantic like this in ....years. GEORGE: [thinking] Oh my God, its 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a stupid mistake? Hell never show up! [clip clop] KRAMER: Ah ha! GEORGE: There he is. Right on time as usual. COUNTER WOMAN: 53. MABEL: 53. Id like a marble rye, no plastic, in a bag. COUNTER WOMAN: Ah! Youre lucky. Its our last one. JERRY: Wait a second, thats your last marble rye? COUNTER WOMAN: Thats right. JERRY: Theres none left? COUNTER WOMAN: Thats what I said. Number 54. JERRY: Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. Its a - its a long story, but a persons whole future may depend on it. MABEL: Well, Im sorry, but you should have got here earlier. JERRY: Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up. MABEL: Youre not getting this rye -- JERRY: All right. All right. Ill tell ya what Im gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it. MABEL: Youre in my way! KRAMER: Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and Ill be your driver for this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you. MRS. ROSS: My favorite. KRAMER: Well, if were all set to go, why dont you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty! [clip clop] JERRY: All right. Look, Ill tell ya what, Ill give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye. MABEL: No? Watch me. JERRY: Give me that rye! MABEL: Stop it! JERRY: I want that rye, lady! MABEL: Help! Someone help! JERRY: Shut up, you old bag! MABEL: Stop thief! Stop him! Hes got my marble rye! ELAINE: Im sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know youve got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didnt think we were hot and heavy. I mean - I mean, whos hot and whos heavy? JOHN: Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....Im kinda disappointed. ELAINE: Disappointed? JOHN: Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde told me that. ELAINE: You were? JOHN: Absolutely. ELAINE: Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved! JOHN: Listen, uh, Ive still got a couple of hours to kill before the next show. My place is only a few blocks from here. ELAINE: Really? JOHN: And you know what? ELAINE: What? JOHN: Ive been thinking about what we do and Im thinking..of...adding a new number to my, you know, repertoire. ELAINE: Ohh! [clip clop] [Rusty snorting] KRAMER: Yaah! [clip clop] [Rusty farts] MRS. ROSS: [sniffing] What is that? MR. ROSS: I think its the horse. MRS. ROSS: Oh, God. KRAMER: Hey, hows everything? You..you need anything? MRS. ROSS: This is - this is...horrible. MR. ROSS: Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal? KRAMER: Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff. MRS. ROSS: I cant take this. Let me out of this thing! MR. ROSS: Turn this thing around. Weve had it. We cant breathe back here! And hurry it up! KRAMER: Rusty! Rusty! GEORGE: [whistling] [clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly louder] KRAMER: Whoa! GEORGE: Wha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon? MR. ROSS: Ask Rusty. KRAMER: Im terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function. MRS. ROSS: Thanks for nothing! Come on, George. Lets go upstairs. GEORGE: What the hell happened? KRAMER: The horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno. GEORGE: Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?! KRAMER: Well, I overbought! MR. ROSS: George. GEORGE: [muttering] MUSIC GUY: Whats going on? Where is he? MANAGER: Uh...hell be here soon. MUSIC GUY: Ill give him ten more minutes. Im not gonna stay here all night. JERRY: How much did you give him? KRAMER: Just a can. But he really liked it, though. GEORGE: Jerry! Up here! JERRY: Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this? GEORGE: I cant come out. Theyre standing right by the door. Throw it up! JERRY: Really? GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah. Its the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me? JERRY: Will you get this horse outta here. Hes killing me. I cant get any oxygen. KRAMER: I dont wanna go back on there! GEORGE: Come on! JERRY: [grunting as he throws bread into the air] GEORGE: [grunting] Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea. ELAINE: No. No. Dont be silly, John, you were very good. You just dont have to try so hard. Good luck, honey. GEORGE: Come on! Come on! JERRY: Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away. [George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover everyone staring at him] GEORGE: Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. [grunting] MANAGER: Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine. [applause] [John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is being created by the instrument] -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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