TV QUOTES PAGE

Movie Quotes: A-E // F-M //N-Z
TV quotes: A-C // D-J // K-P // Q-Z
Last Comic Standing // Title List

Queer As Folk (US)
Psychic: God writes the scripts, sweetie. I just say the lines.

Emmett: This is just like that Streisand movie The Mirror Has Two Faces. Because Barbra plays an unattractive professor -- (to Ted) no offense -- who marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But of course Barbra gets horny, because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat, so she hops on a Stairmaster for two minutes, eats a carrot, and then poof! She's gorgeous. So then she comes in dressed like the hooker in Nuts, and of course, Jeff's willing to fuck her, and then, um... (getting teary) they dance in the street.

(they're looking at a drawing of a naked Brian)
Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: It's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on, it was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours long.

Recess
Spinelli: Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?
Gretchen: Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!
T.J.: But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.
Spinelli: Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.
Gretchen: Which explains the D minus you got in Science.

Rich Girls
Ally: I’m a people pleaser. You know that about me. Three people tonight have told me that I let people walk all over me. Three very significant people.
Michael: Who?
Ally: Two psychics and Liz.
Roseanne
Roseanne: (regarding Darlene & David's wedding) Dan, you realize that our daughter is going to marry a guy we consider our son and that their child will be only a little younger than our child--that's it, we are OFFICIALLY WHITE TRASH.

Dan: What a beautiful day -- the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "...before turning the gun on himself."

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Roseanne: What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late,
it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.
To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this,
and I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this.
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement.
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball,
but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall.
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen.
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel,
when I get blindsided, my pain is quite real.
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns.
I just thought I'd mention it -- to whom it concerns.

Darlene: (helping with a forged note) Go upstairs and practice mom's signature.
DJ: That's like homework! I might as well be in school!
Darlene: Yes, but unlike things you learn in sixth grade, forgery is a skill you can use the rest of your life.

Darlene: Mom is totally gonna kill you if she finds out you're having sex.
Becky: Mom already knows. Who do you think bought me the pills?
Darlene is flabbergasted in shocked silence. Becky looks smug at finally having freaked Darlene out.
Becky (snapping her fingers and walking away): Slammer!
--found by kiralira--

Dan: Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

Dan: I can play this little game too, Roseanne. How would you like it if I told everyone our personal stuff? What if I told everybody that you're not too interested in sex lately?
Roseanne: Well yeah. Why don't you go tell everybody that your wife turns you down all the time for sex? That would really embarass me.
Saturday Night Live
Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey
I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming and in terror like his passengers.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--submitted by superpotato--

Weekend Update (with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon)
It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo roll in the "Men In Black" sequel, where he plays an alien but doesn’t wear a costume. Touché, Michael. You beat us to the joke this time. But we’ll be back.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

Sesame Street Workshop announced that they are laying off 60 workers... News of the firings was brought to the employees by the letters F and U.

So today President Bush has clarified his world view, saying, "You're either with us, or with the terrorists. Or...you're with the terrorists, but you have oil (graphic of Kuwait). Or, you're with us, but you hate us (Egypt). Or, you're with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world (Saudi Arabia). Or, you're a hundred percent with the terrorists, except for one little guy in charge (Pakistan). Or, you're with us but you can't really help us (Iceland), or you're with the terrorists, with each other, against us, even though you hate each other (Iraq and Iran).

Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult
Christopher Walken: I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
--submitted by superpotato--

Celebrity Jeopardy
Alex Trebek: You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.
Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.

Burt Reynolds: Why don't you let me buy a vowel?
Alex Trebek: Okay, that's infuriating.

Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore.

The Continental
You have what it takes to be a model. Have you been on television or some type of moving picture? (woman shakes head) This I cannot believe. At least tell me you have graced the pages of some publication. (woman shakes head) No? Inconceivable! I have entire stack of magazines under my bed you would be perfect for.

Other Sketches
The Ladies Man (to his date): When I said "dinner", what I meant was we'd be having sex. And when I said "movie", I meant we'd be videotaping it.

Marty Culp: (to someone in audience at a convention) If you want to say "Gore's Number 1," you really shouldn't use the middle finger.

Saved By the Bell
Zack: I like school. It's just too bad classes get in the way.

Zack: You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school. Once you graduate, you don't have to come back.

Scrubs
Carla: What about all of the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Will you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.

Dr. Cox: You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself, and when you really get to know THAT person, oh dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.

Dr. Cox: Well gosh, I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was 7 years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of it's nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox. (starts laughing) I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks.

The Todd: I have to go. There's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... and I must stop it!

Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never mentioned I was a doctor.

Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.

Dr. Kelso: (to Dr. Cox) Your lips, my ass. They should meet.

Dr. Cox: You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox. Does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.

Dr. Cox: (to J.D. and Elliott about the patient) His TV is broken, so when you two do start tagging each other, the least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the nude...and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.
Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early". It's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.

Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is, how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp.

Dr. Cox: (to Jordan) I'd tell you to swear on a Bible but I know how contact with Holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.

J.D.: So, how's surgery?
The Todd: It rocks. But my bedroom, that's where I really operate.

Elliot: Will you still hold me like this when I'm pushing our baby out of my bajingo?
Keith: That's it! I'm putting on a third condom.

Dr. Cox: Scotch. It's too early to drink, sure, but, people, it is never too early to think about.

Dr. Cox: We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us, it'll be nice and fast. But for most of us, it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.

Dr. Cox: Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One: if someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I'm fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!"
Seinfeld
Jerry (about Uncle Leo): He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

Jerry: Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

Jerry (about George): It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.

George: I always get the feeling that, when lesbians are looking at me, they’re thinking "That’s why I’m not a heterosexual".
The Simpsons
TV Commercial: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, NO!

Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them---as is my understanding...

Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Abe: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!

Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

Principal Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well yes, but then I was a very depressed child.

Sideshow Bob: I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

Bart: Oh my God... the dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Bart: Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.

Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen?
Doctor: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity and environment. (looks at Homer) Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.

Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kodos (as Bob Dole): It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way your planet is doomed....DOOMED!
Kent: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole!

Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: You could read something.
Homer: I'm trying to reduce my boredom.

Homer : All right Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Homer : Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Marge : You can take an adult education course.
Homer : Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge : That's because you were drunk!
Homer : (proudly) And how!

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Alcohol...the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

Mr. Burns: (playing golf) Quit cogitating Steinmetz and use an open faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm, open-faced club sandwich.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

Homer: Dear Lord. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. (eats food)

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Mrs. Flanders: I was at Bible camp learning to be more judgmental.
--found by Jo--

Bart: (saying grace) Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Superintendent Chalmers: Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion.

Helen Lovejoy: I don't think we're talking about love here, Marge. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love: love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [pause] I withdraw my question.

Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! Do your own dirty work!

Marge: You'll like Japan, Homer. You liked Rashomon.
Homer: That's not the way I remember it.

[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look... or sound... or our best testing indicates.

Homer: And to think, I joined a cult to find mindless bliss when all this time I had beer.

Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. Thats two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight.
Lou: (into radio) We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: (to Homer) It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.

Leonard Nimoy: Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is no.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow, don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Homer: Yeah, it's great that Maggie's finally got a father figure in her life. (beat) Hey, that's supposed to be ME!
Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way! I'm not gettin' my fingerprints on that train wreck!

Milhouse: (Bart just saw his parents having sex) Trust me, Bart. It's better to walk in on both of your parents than just one.

[Otto needs to retake his driving test.]
Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.
Otto: Wow! I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.

Krusty The Clown: And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors.

[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.

Homer: When a woman says nothing is wrong,that means everything is wrong. And when she says everything is wrong, that means everything is wrong. And when she says something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off!
Six Feet Under
Ruth (to son David): I don't choose what part of you I love, like some kind of chicken!

Billy (to Brenda, about their parents): Look at the two of them. Who else would have them?

David: He gave me some pills, and now I'm gonna have to say, "I'm sorry, I lost them, because I'm this old guy geek and I'm completely uncool in this world in which you seem to thrive, you perfect distillation of human evolution."
Claire: OK, is this split personality thing like something that happens when Mom goes out of town? Cause I like you like this way better.

Nate: This is my... uh, my girlfriend, Brenda.
Brenda: I prefer the term "fuck puppet".

Nate: (to David) God, I hope I didn't do anything to fuck you up when were kids. Cause, you're the only brother I have. (turning to Brenda) Do you know I taught David how to masturbate?

Taylor: What if I don't get tired?
Keith: Then you'll lay awake for hours and hours, wondering why life is so hard. That's what the rest of us do.

Brenda: The last time my mom invited a special friend, it turned out to be a Venezuelan pool boy, who made up for his lack of English by being fluent in the language of Power Fucking.
Nate: I'll try not to get into a conversation with him.

Brenda: I don't want any children.
Nate: Whoa! Hey! Who said anything about children?
Brenda: I was referring to you.

Claire: I know stealing a foot is weird. But living in a house where a foot is available is too.

The Sopranos
Tony: Carmela, there's something I got to confess- What are you doing?
Carmela: Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!

South Park
Mr. Garrison: No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people.

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because you get to make a lot of money and don't have to hang out with poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Stan: Dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

Cartman: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

Kyle: How much do we have left, Cartman?
Cartman: Um, three dollars.
Kyle: What? You said we had plenty of money!
Cartman: Yeah but I didn't take into account that I suck at math.

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, pretend for just a minute that we had a competent law officer in our town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: That's a good question ma'am. Let me get right on that... with thinking.

Cartman: Come on Kyle! Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.

Chief Runningwater: You mother is what we Native Americans refer to as "Bear With WIIIIIIDE Canyon."
Cartman: What do you mean?
Chief Runningwater: She is "Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together."
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Runningwater: Your mom's a slut.

Cartman: No, kitty, this is my pot pie... No, kitty! Get back, kitty!... No, kitty, it's my pot pie! Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Cartman's Mom: Well, then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight!
Cartman: What?

Spongebob Squarepants
Squidworth: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

Sports Night
Dan: The length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.

Isaac: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people and if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

Casey: Impersonating my ex-wife never won anyone a place in my heart.

Strangers With Candy
Teacher to Jeri: You're only as ugly as they think you are.

Superstar USA
Vitamin C: I’d eat you up, if I were a cannibal, or gay.

Briggs: Half the audience were bussed in from local correctional facilities. The other half came here expecting a taping of Gilmore Girls.
Taxi
Reverend Jim: Something terrible has happened!
B: What?
Reverend Jim: I forgot why I'm doing this.

Reverend Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
Elaine: A lot.
Reverend Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

Elaine: (about invitations from Reverend Jim) Where it says "dress optional", it means how we dress, not if we dress, right?
Alex: I don't think so.
Elaine: Why not?
Alex: Your invitation is the only one that says that.

Bobby: [reading the application questions] Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
Reverend Jim: Now that's a tough choice...

That 70's Show
Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything!
Kelso: So, what's one more thing?

Eric: You both know how much I respect you daughter. How much I love your daughter. And funny thing about love...haha....Is sometimes we express it in a physical way.
Bob: You better not say what I think your gonna say...cause I'll be mad. And funny thing about mad...haha. Is sometimes I express it in a physical way.

Kelso: College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
Donna: No, college is for women who don't wanna marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard, moron children

Midge: You mean that stuff was right here in our own neighborhood? And to think of all the times we had to drive across town to get it!

Eric: We always think of so many brilliant things down here, but then later I can't remember any of them!

Leo: My license was suspended. Yeah, I dropped it in a glass of beer, and it just hung there, suspended... then while I was watching the glass I ran through a red light.

[Red on Laurie and Michael]
Red: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty: Oh, honey! They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant!

Kelso: Guys! I just saw a U.F.O.!
Hyde: What a coincidence, I was just telling Fez how stupid you were.

Kelso: Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.

Kitty: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing, they're dead.

Eric: Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Yeah, man. I sell rings and... other stuff.
Eric: Ohh... We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

Kelso: [about Eric] How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez: Not me!
Jackie: Not me!
Hyde: Not me, man!
Kelso: Thank you!!

Kelso: It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look: my own brain.

Kitty: What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes, I was! And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!

Kelso: Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.

Tiny Toon Adventures
Buster: You're probably looking at what's on your T.V. and saying "I could come up with better stuff than that!"
Babs: In fact, you're probably saying that right now.

Buster: Speaking of garbage, who wrote today's script?

Baby Plucky: Elalator go down the hoooooole.

Plucky: Don't try this at home, kids. This should be done only by trained, professional idiots.

Plucky: Presents! Just what I deserve!

Soap Opera Guy: Dakota, my love for you is deeper than most thoughts I have.

Babs Bunny: You have entered a place where common sense has no meaning. You have entered...the Plucky Zone.

Titus
Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Christopher Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Christopher Titus: I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie...unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Christopher Titus: He was laughing because you were trying to get into Heaven!

Christopher Titus: (about his father) The only way to tell him something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now he's armed with a brick.

Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place
Mailman: (handing Pete the mail) I hope you get jury duty.
Pete: I hope you're on trial.

Whose Line is it Anyway (UK version)
Clive: The show where rehearsal is a dirty word and dirty words are often over-rehearsed.

Clive: The improvisation show where comedy, entertainment and drama are all abandoned in favour of a few silly games.

Clive: The improvisation show which does to comedy what Bill Clinton does to every girl he meets apparently.

Clive: The improvisation show which, if you haven't seen it before, is the very best programme on the television. Or, if you have seen it before, you know it's one where I start off with a very big lie.

Clive: The improvisation show that has been compared to Titanic. Not the film, the sinking ship.

Colin: She's got more hands up her than the Muppets.

Colin (about Ryan): He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin.

Whose Line is it Anyway (US version)
Colin: The last time I four-scored was twenty years ago.

Ryan: Colin, what do you think of when I say lattes and Microsoft?
Colin: Uncle Phil. His lattes made him micro-soft.

Hoedowns
Film Noir World's Worst Movie Tie-Ins
Jeff: (as ET) Elliot...dial one eight hundred three ten one two one! It's cheaper rates!
Will & Grace
Jack: So, I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?

Will: So now you're skipping work all together?!
Grace: No, I called in sick.
Will: Called who? You're the boss.
Grace: I know it was a strange conversation. If I do it again, I'm going to fire me.

Grace: Just FYI - The first 3 letters in assistant spell ass, so please, get off yours.

Karen: You know CPR?
Jack: Oh, yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay... Only I think it just confused him even more.

Karen: I love him like a son of a bitch. No, really, his mother's a bitch.

Will: In this house, a queen beats a straight every time.

Jack: I'd like to sing a duet, with a man who's been such a huge inspiration to me... (picture of himself appears)

Jack: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.

Jack (after seeing Karen's closet): Oh, my God. If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it!

Jack: He was coming off a little gay when he should have been coming on a little gay.

Grace: Oh, how can I explain this? Guilt is an emotion...Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...An emotion is...
Karen: Honey I know what guilt is! It's one of those touchy-feely words that doesn't really mean anything, like "maternal".... or "addiction".

Jack: Do you remember the name of my ex-boyfriend? You know, the blond one with the tattoos?
Karen: Oh, come on, honey, that's like trying to find a needle in a gaystack.

Karen: I love you like my mother I had committed against her will.

Karen: Sorry I'm late, I just wanted to miss most of dinner.

Karen: I just want to thank you for inviting me. I know that we've had our differences in the past, but really, when you get right down to it... Oh look! Better people!

Karen: They're trying to make gay people straight? Good lord, don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

Jack: I need to be alone with my thought.

Will: Have you been gargling with bongwater?

Jack: Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live "Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Ok?"
Owen: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, Cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."

Lionel: I came as soon as you called.
Karen: That's really none of my business but I'm glad you're here.

Will: That guy looks suspicious. He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony!

Grace: Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "fourgy" does not qualify as group therapy.

Jack: I'm an expert. I go on literally thousands of dates a year.
Will: That doesn't make you an ex-pert, that makes you an es-cort!

Grace: Yeah sure, in a parallel universe where my hair is straight - and so are you.

Will: Being me hasn't gotten me a whole lot of action lately. Or maybe you haven't been following my storyline on 'No Sex in the City'

Karen: Okay, rule number one. Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.

Jack: The part didn't speak to me.
Will: So it gave you the finger?

Jack: Sex is a drug. I should know; I'm a licensed dealer.

Grace: Karen paid me $10 a day to not wear ruffles or eat Ruffles in the office.
--submitted by Kristin--

Karen: Oh, honey, everything I say about you behind your back is true.

Grace: (laying out dresses) This one's slitty, that one's slutty, this one's titty, that one's butty.

Karen: Why, you ingrate! When I found you, you were boxing donkeys for cash!
Rosario: You pulled me out of business school, you tipsy witch!

(about Karen's driver)
Grace: Fire him.
Karen: He is old and sweet and helpless. I can't just fire him because he's a raging incompetent. I mean, maybe you could, but not me.
Grace: Karen, if that were true, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Jack: Oh, Karen! You can't just devastate me and kick me out. You're not my lover!

Jack: (to Will) You know, anger doesn't really go with what you're wearing. But then again, not much does.

Jack: I've finally found my life's calling and it involves these two hands.
Will: Ah, so you're gonna be self-employed.
Jack: (unamused) Insert laugh here.

Jack: I got 40 hours of community service. I have to pick up trash for the next two weeks.
Will: Yeah, at least this trash won't call you the next morning.

Jack: Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? "Running late" is gay for "I'm blowing you off".
Will: Really? What's gay for "Get out"?
Jack: That would be "Good morning".
Will & Jack: Good morning Jack.

Mom: What if they want to come back for a little touchie-nookie-nicky?
Grace: Mom, can I take you to my therapist? Because he thinks I'm making you up.

Karen: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!

Ben: Yes you will!
Will: No I won't!
Ben: Yes you will!
Will: No I won't!
Ben: You know, it's a little ironic. Thirty years of legal experience between us, and this is how we argue. And yes you will!

Grace: I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, I know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know?
Jack: No...(turning to Karen) Do you know?
Karen: I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.

WKRP in Cincinnati
Bailey: How can we tell you we are off the air, when we are OFF the air?
--submitted by jaxielin--

Carlson: As god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
--submitted by jaxielin--

Movie Quotes: A-E // F-M //N-Z
TV quotes: A-C // D-J // K-P // Q-Z
Last Comic Standing // Title List



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Last Updated: February 15, 2009