Star Trek Humor: Villains' Support Group (major DS9 content)
Forum: Psi Phi's DS9 forum
Keywords: Garak, Dukat, villains, Q, Sloan,
Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 04:38:23 GMT
From:  

Hi, y'all, just a little tongue-in-cheek humor at Paramount's expense...

The Star Trek Villains' Support Group

FACILITATOR: All right.  I appreciate all of you reshuffling your schedules
to accommodate the conflict with the Disney Villains' Support Group.

Q: Child's play.  I can reorder time, you know.

FACILITATOR: Q?  What did we talk about last time?

Q: We talked about how I can turn you into a doorstop.

FACILITATOR (backing down) : O-kay.   Who has something to share to begin
the meeting?

DUKAT (twitching): I am a good villain, I am a good villain, I am the
walrus, I am...

FACILITATOR: Dukat?  Would you like to share?

GARAK: He's incapable of rational conversation.  Ever since the writers
turned him into a mustache-twirling cult leader, he can't scheme to save
his life.

DUKAT: Can so!

FACILITATOR: Garak, technically, you're on the side of the good guys.
You're not supposed to be here.

GARAK: How do you know I'm one of the good guys?  I've appeared only a
handful of times in the last two years.  For all anyone knows, I could be
off doing Obsidian Order work...

FACILITATOR: There is no more Obsidian Order.

GARAK: That's what you think...

DUKAT (pointing at Garak): You-you killed my daughter!

GARAK: She was only window-dressing, Dukat.  She was supposed to humanize
you and make everyone forget I even smiled at Doctor Bashir in a remotely
homosexual way.  Q would know about that.  After all, he got shoehorned
into a romance with Janeway, for heaven's sake.

SESKA: Fate worse than death, and I speak from experience. (Notices
CHAKOTAY in the background) Not a word out of you.  You haven't gotten
anywhere with her, have you?

CHAKOTAY: No, that's why I'm in the Unresolved Sexual Tension group.

GARAK: That was meeting today?

FACILITATOR: Next door.

CHAKOTAY: I got my rooms mixed up. (He exits.)

GARAK: @#$%!  I wanted to attend that.  Of course, I wouldn't have to if
the creators ever got their act together...

FACILITATOR: Garak, please, not this again.  Save it for the
I-Hate-the-Writers group meeting.

OLD SERIES KLINGON: Death to the writers!

KHAN: What are you all complaining about?  I'm DEAD!  Kirk will pay!

CHANG, KRUGE, SORAN: Kirk will pay!

Q: Kirk is dead.  So is his career.

FACILITATOR: In Star Trek, no one is truly dead and no one has a career,
except maybe for the actors who play LaForge and O'Brien.  Now can we
please start the meeting?

SESKA: I'm dead.  That's my complaint.

KAZON: We're all dead.  Voyager left us behind.

Q: Voyager left a plot behind.

DUKAT: The writers don't know what to do with their villains, do they?  The
Romulans are coming back, but that won't last long.  They'll `humanize'
them just as they did me.  Or they'll have a nervous breakdown...

Q: Or give them a son...

KHAN: Or kill them off...

KAI WINN: Or make you the Ambitious Religious Fanatic...no, wait.  I've
fared well.  Better than Jack Nicholson, anyway.  Forget I said anything.

ALIEN BADDIE OF THE WEEK: Or use you to make a social commentary...

CORRUPT ADMIRAL/STARFLEET OFFICER/FED OF THE WEEK: Or give them another
scene about Duty and Honor...

SLOAN: Ahem.   I think I've fared the best.

GARAK: Oh?  They've pitted you against Bashir and dressed you in black
leather.  They gave you not one but two scenes in Bashir's boudoir---at
night.  Your days as an interesting villain are numbered.  One wrong
touch---

Q: One hint of inappropriate sexual tension---

DUKAT: One hint of evil that they can't conveniently explain---

INTENDANT(Mirror-Universe Kira): Once they put you in leather---

KHAN: If you even think of upstaging the stars---

GARAK: You'll get a female love interest---

Q: Become more "human"---

DUKAT: Have a nervous breakdown---

INTENDANT(Mirror-Universe Kira): Become a Catwoman-@#$% lesbian
nymphomaniac---

KHAN: Die---

GARAK: Completely disappear.

DUKAT: And God forbid you take a fancy to someone they don't want you
linked with.  One inkling that Kira---no, no, Intendant, not you---and I
might have something, and boom! They pair her with Bareil and Shakaar, for
heavens' sake, then---and this hurts---Odo.  Then, they turn me into
Intergalactic Despot From Hell, a blatantly obvious Hitler-analogue

FACILITATOR: Uh, Dukat, you are an intergalactic despot.

DUKAT: Yes, but does that mean I can't be complex?

BRUNT: At least you're not a Ferengi.  Oy.  (He morphs into...)

WEYOUN: Or a clone who gets killed offscreen without so much as an epitaph.

KEEVAN: Better than being killed onscreen and being turned into a Weekend
at Bernie's joke.

ZEK: That brings us back to the Ferengi.  Oy.  More bad Jewish stereotypes
than SEINFELD.  And this is supposed to be an enlightened universe?  I am a
playwright, you know.  I was in "The Princess Bride."

Q: I loved that movie.  "That's inconceivable!"

GARAK: Zek, you do not count.  You have a career.

KHAN: So do I!

GARAK: Take a look at yourself.  What have you been in lately?   You
couldn't even get the new Fantasy Island.

SORAN: That reminds me.  I have a career.  I'm not supposed to be here.

Q: Oh, please.  Have you seen the ratings?

BORG: Ratings are irrelevant.

FACILITATOR: People, this is not the I-Have-No-Career-Outside-of-Star-Trek
support group.  That meets right after this.  Wesley Crusher is the guest
facilitator.

GARAK (sighs): Unfortunately, I am supposed to be in that group.  Theater
is not considered a career in Hollywood. (Glares at WORF) Doing cartoon
voices, unfortunately, is.

WORF: You dishonor me by selecting me to be in this group.  I am not a
villain.

GARAK: Try telling that to the Deep Space Nine fans.  They all hate you.
(WORF growls.)

FACILITATOR: Worf, I don't want any more broken chairs.  Please leave.
(WORF does.)  Now can we please get back on track?  Sloan?  As the newest
villain of the Star Trek universe, do you have any concerns to share?

SLOAN: Not a one.

GARAK: Oh, really.   Aren't you a little overconfident?  You've heard our
horror stories.

SLOAN: I have reason to be confident.  Are any of you listed as "Special
Guest Star"?  (Mutters from the assembly.) I didn't think so.  Except for
Winn, and even she's gotten short shrift.  But we're still the only two
with careers. I was in "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Die Hard 2."

Q: You were also in "Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight." (Everyone jeers
at SLOAN.)

SLOAN: That wasn't my doing.  Blame my agent.  At least people actually
watched.  And by the way, Garak, I put in a request for a scene where I get
to kiss Bashir.  And they gave it to me.

GARAK: It will end up on the cutting room floor.

SLOAN: Oh, no it won't.  Section 31 has means of persuasion you never even
dreamed of.

GARAK: You touch him and I'll...

SLOAN: Outright threats? (Laughs) You see why I'm confident.  You just
don't have the guile you used to.  Whereas I am full of guile.  I'm the new
Garak.  That's why they never put us in a scene together.  You'd look
pathetic. (GARAK assaults him and the other villains shout in glee.)

DUKAT: Kick his butt, Sloan!

ZEK: Place your bets!  Who's going to win?

GARAK (to SLOAN): You move fast in that leather. (He and SLOAN circle each
other, pulling tae kwon do and other various moves.)

SLOAN: I've been dying for some action.  Being the intellectual man of
mystery gets a bit wearing if you don't do anything but make speeches.

Q: True.  Why do you think Picard did "Insurrection"?

GARAK (to SLOAN): I seem to recall you pretended to have been tortured.
Your face was quite a gruesome sight.

SLOAN: Julian told you that?

GARAK: That's Doctor Bashir to you! (He pastes SLOAN one on the jaw.)

FACILITATOR: People, people!  This is not the "Jerry Springer" show.

WEYOUN: Too bad.  If we were Jerry Springer, we'd have higher ratings.

BORG: Ratings are---

FACILITATOR (throws in the towel.  That's it.  I give up.  Fight amongst
yourselves. (FACILITATOR leaves the room.  All the villains look at each
other and burst out laughing.)

Q: I still say turning that annoying creature into a doorstop would be
satisfying. (Pause.)  But this feels so much more...

GARAK: Devious.  And that is what we're about.  Kanaar, anyone?

SLOAN (still nursing his jaw): @#$%ed effective performance, Garak.

GARAK: That's the trouble with being devious.  One never knows when you're
performing...and when you're not.  (He winks.  Everyone laughs, less easily
than before.)

=====

    Source: geocities.com/televisioncity/network/6011

               ( geocities.com/televisioncity/network)                   ( geocities.com/televisioncity)