The Linguist

First Date Aired: on Oct. 4, 1998.
Written by: Rob Thomas
Directed by: Jeremy Piven
Transcribed by: Celtic Air

Disclaimer: I don't own the story or any of the characters from "Cupid". They belong to somebody else, probably Rob Thomas. This is a straightforward and dry transcript of the episode "The Linguist". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes, and camera movements where I felt they were needed. I hope I got all the dialogue correct, but if I missed something just tell me and I'll make changes that are necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~

(Claire comes out of a store and starts waking down the sidewalk, when Trevor finds her)

Trevor: There she is, turning the world on with her smile.

Claire: Trevor, what are you doing here?

Trevor: I want to talk to you about something.

Claire: Don't you have a session today?

Trevor: I've been thinking.

Claire: I thought I heard something.

Trevor: 100 couples, one at a time, it's taking too long.

Claire: Trevor, That is great--Reality's poking it's head out for the first time. Good for you.

Trevor: You know what? I've got to think grander. Start a new religion.

Claire: Oh, reality just saw it's shadow. 6 more weeks of dementia.

Trevor: Think about it. Sun Young Moon marries off 100 couples, right? Considers it an off day.

Claire: Well, you're forgetting that it took him a lifetime to establish himself as a religious leader.

Trevor: But, I'm a God, I already have a head start.

Claire: Ok, Poverty...

Trevor: Yeah

Claire Humility, Celibacy, as your psychiatrist I have to tell you it's not your strong suit.

(Claire starts to walk off but Trevor calls after her)

Trevor: My religion's gonna be fun. Cupidians will cruise through the airport with a small cup that says "Keg Fund"

Claire: (stops and turns around) Cupidians?

Trevor: Hey, I'll need a high priestess. A woman who embodies the unattainable, carnal archetype. A glimpse of heaven for the pilgrims. A nude for stained glass.

Claire: Oh, Rats here I've got this hoity-toity dinner party tonight so (throws her ands in the air as if to say "oh well") hmm

Trevor: Well, who was asking? I only wanted to know if you could get me in contact with Courtney Love.

Opening credits roll. Cupid's theme plays.

~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~

(Claire is in her house, enjoying her 'hoity-toity' dinner party. She and a bunch of her friends are sitting at her table.)

Jane: Did anyone see Sunset and Vaughn last night?

Hunter: I don't watch t.v.

Claire: He said self-importantly.

Hunter: Oh, come on. What's the point? All the shows are the same.

Jane: Not true, there are cops and there are doctors.

Hunter: Ah, but they're all lovable. Say a lead character jaywalks in the beginning of an episode. They'll spend the rest of the show trying to redeem him.

Claire: Well, ah, what about Thurston Howell? The Castaways would have been off the island 7 or 8 times if he hadn't done something greedy or self-serving. They never redeemed him.

Hunter: But this brings us back to something even more nefarious about t.v.--

Jane: Sunset and Vaughn. It was a two-parter. No one saw the other--

Hunter: The negative way that television portrays the wealthy classes.

(Claire looks over to Jennings who is standing all alone by the side of the room)

Jane: Oh, come on!

Hunter: It's true. Jennings, you're with me on this one aren't you?

Jennings: Ah (changes the subject) You get together like this every month?

Claire: Yeah, yeah. We started doing this when we were mearly grad students sharing leftovers, right. (smiles)

Kevin: Instead of the powerful Academicians sharing leftovers that we are today.

Hunter: But hey, it's the University of Chicago.

Kevin: U of C.

Jennings: That reminds me of a joke. (they wait but he doesn't continue)

Jane: (awkwardly) How does the joke go, Jennings?

Jennings: Oh, there's this little fellow who cleans up after the elephants in the circus, and someone asks him why he doesn't quit. (he stops suddenly)

Kevin: And--and--and? (motions him to continue)

Jennings: And he says, "What and leave show business?"

(The friends are confused by his joke)

Claire: What department are you in, Jennings?

Jennings: Linguistics.

Hunter: Oh, do your trick.

Woman: Oh, that's right.

(various voices reply asking Jennings to do his trick)

Claire: You do tricks?

Kevin: Do Claire.

Woman: He's done the rest of us.

Kevin: Yeah? He has. Well, ok...

(Jennings sighs and sits down across from Claire)

Jennings: Tell me, in your own words, the story of Little Red Riding Hood.


(Cut to Trevor, at his apartment. He's making some type of drink with the blender and taking on the phone)

Trevor: Look, lady, there's no Albert here. Mmm-hmm, that is the right number. No. Look, who am I? I'm the god of love, want me to hook you up? Mmm. Aren't you the tiger. I'll tell you what passion kettle-- Look, for the last time we are fresh out of Albert's.

(Champ comes down the stairs and tries to quickly grab the phone)

Champ: Trevor, no, give me the phone

(the blender starts to explode and Champ tries to stop it.)

Trevor: But you know what? There is an Albert here, but he fell off the roof. We're just squatting in his apartment until the Ganja runs out.

(Champ finally shuts off the blender and grabs the phone from Trevor)

Champ: Give me the phone! mama? (but it's too late, his mother has already hung up.)

Trevor: Oh, no. I thought your name was Champ.

(Champ is re-dialing his mother's number)

Champ: Damn it! That's a stage name.

Trevor: You choose that name?

Champ: Stage names; they say if you can't think of one you should pick the name of your first pet.

Trevor: Nothing wrong with 'Albert'.

Champ: Well, obviously you didn't grow up black and overweight in America, then.

Trevor: You don't know that.


(Cut to Claire, who is still going on and on about little red riding hood)

Claire: Which isn't an excuse for the wolf, but at least we understand his rage. He's the archetype of sexual aggression.

Kevin: Make her stop--

Jennings: I think I have everything I need.

Claire: For?

Jennings: Your profile.

Claire: My what?

Jennings: You were raised in California.

Claire: It's a big state.

Jennings: San Jose.

Girl: Jennings, you are amazing.

Jennings: One of your parents is from the south. The Deep South. You went to school in Los Angelos; UCLA probably, before coming to Chicago to do your graduate work at North Western.

All but Claire & Jennings: Slacker!

Claire: You got all that from Little Red Riding Hood?

Jennings: A Semester at Oxford probably explains "Grandma's lovely cottage"

Claire: (amazed) oh, my God.


(As everyone is leaving the party and saying Good-bye)

Claire: (to one of her friends) Bye. Next time, your house.

Jennings: Thank You.

Claire: um, do you have a minute?

Jennings: Sure.


(Claire is cleaning up and talking to Jennings)

Jennings: He honestly believes he's Cupid?

Claire: Oh, he's convinced. He says he's banished to Earth until he gets 100 couples together.

Jennings: And you think I can help?

Claire: Well, we just can't figure out who he really is. If I could find out where he's from, what--what happened to him. I know I could help.

Jennings: Are you sure he'd be willing to speak to me?

Claire: Oh, we're not going to tell him what you're doing. I know how I could get him to talk to you. Are you single? I've got the Singles Group.


(over at the Singles Group, Claire's late. Everyone's bored and looks like they want to leave. Trevor's half-asleep. When someone starts to leave Trevor wakes from his daze and guides the other member back to his seat.)

Trevor: I say we get started.


(meanwhile, Claire is waiting for Jennings at a subway depot. She looks at her watch right before Jennings comes up to her)

Jennings: Doctor, I am so sorry I'm late. I wasn't sure that I'd be--

Claire: Not a problem, you were doing me the favor, but we really, really have to hurry.


(Trevor is talking to Claire's group)

Trevor: It is high time the piercing light of truth cuts through the dim veil of psycho-babble we wade through each week. I want to see the hands of everyone who comes here not for the yackety-yak of the over-educated and undersexed, but instead thought "fresh meat" All right? Tons and tons of fresh meat, you know. Scoring here will be easier than Patrick Swayze at a strip mall. Let me see your hands.

Nick: (he is the only one to raise his hand) Yeah, baby.

Trevor: Oh, what a bunch of hypocrites. Each and everyone of you. Look at right here, perfect example. (goes over to a blond woman as he explains his example) Ok, look at the shoots of hot-ironed curled bangs that cascade tantalizingly down into the eyes. Eyes, by the way, painted with no less care than the Sistine Chapel. Total prep time--90 minutes. (goes to sit next to another gentleman) O-oh. You know who this is? Ahem, Ladies -- Nice to see you my man-- Do you have any idea who this gentleman is? This right here is the guy who pops his head out of the manhole cover just in time to look up your culottes. He wants to know if fries go with that shake. You can hear him bellowing from the sears tower, "Nice Rack!" But he's in disguise, you know? He's hosed himself down, and this is the first time he's worn a jacket that doesn't have his name stitched on it. You want to know why? 'cause the boy's horny. Smart money says that if you're here so are you. (gets up and walks to the front of the group) Let's call this what it really is. This... is a pickup joint.


(Claire and Jennings have arrived at the building where the meeting is taking place)

Jennings: Dr. Allen?

Claire: uh, Claire.

Jennings: Claire, Claire, What you're asking me to do--

Claire: Jennings, all you have to do is get up there and say you're looking for love, ok? He'll do the rest.


(Claire walks into the meeting room and can't believe her eyes. Trevor has started a party. That's The Way I like it by K.C. And The Sunshine Band is playing on the radio. A group of people are playing spin the bottle. There's some people playing Twister with different colored plates. People are dancing and drinking beer.)

Trevor: (to people playing Twister) Right knee green.

(Claire shuts off the radio.)

Trevor: Oh, hey Claire, we started without ya.

Claire: Oh, hey guys, Sorry I'm late. It's really time we get started.

(a Single Group Member accidentally sprays beer on her when he opens a can of beer)

Claire: That's nice.

Single Group Member: Sorry.

Claire: Yeah. Really people, we have a lot of work to do, so uh finish your drinks.

(people playing Twister collapse onto each other)



(Claire has gotten down to business and is discussing something with her group)

Claire: Well, generally speaking, Lawrence, when a woman leaves something behind. An earring or a purse, it's not the nesting sign most men assume it to be. It could mean nothing more that she's forgetful.

Lawrence: It was her Grandmother's china.

Claire: Oh, you may have a problem. You know, we just have a few minutes but I do think that's enough to meet somebody new, Jennings.

(he stands up and introduces himself.)

Jennings: Hello, My name is Jennings Crawford. I teach at the University of Chicago. I love my work and I have a nice town house. I'm 35, and I'm a virgin.


~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~

(cut to Jennings still talking at the Single Group Meeting)

Jennings: This isn't something I'm comfortable admitting in front of a room full of people but suddenly I've realized that I could use the help, the support. My colleges have given up on me. I think they reached a consensus that I'm gay and closetted.

Nick: You're not?

Jennings: Uh, no.

Woman: So, uh, maybe you have scars. Like somewhere we can't see.

Jennings: No.

Claire: There are other kinds of scars.

Jennings: You've all heard stories, I'm sure, about people achieving greatness and attributing it to abstinence. They re-channeled all their sexual energy into their work. But lately--

Nick: You must teach one hell of a class.

Claire: Nick.

Nick: (laughs) No I mean it man. It's gotta be like beakers exploding. Field trips--

Claire: Ok, you know what? That's -- that's -- thank you.

Nick: I'm just saying--

Trevor: Nick! Let's hear him out.

(Jennings gives Trevor a look of thanks)

Jennings: Lately, my interest in my work has begun to fade, and as it's faded all the sexual energy I've repressed has started to come to the surface. For the first time in my life, I'm wishing there was someone there for me. For the first time, I feel alone.

Claire: How long have you been feeling this way?

Jennings: Three years.

Nick: Ouch.

Jennings: There's a formal faculty party at the end of the month. Last year I swore to myself that I wouldn't go to another one without a date. That was my resolution, but here I am another year older and no closer to finding anyone. I guess what I'm saying is; can anyone help?

(Cut to the Singles Group meeting is over. Everyone's leaving)

Claire: Thank you. I'll see you guys next week.

(Various good-byes are said)

Claire: Jennings, uh, so--so all that, uh, everything you said was --

Jennings: Strange but true.

Claire: Wow, uh, uh, I'm sorry.

Jennings: oh.

Claire: But, we'll, you know, we'll work it out. Find someone that's right for you. We'll have to deal with your intimacy issues.

Jennings: And the party, the faculty party.

Claire: Oh, boom, that's a snap. Oh, you know, you're educated and attractive, and I'm gonna keep Trevor away from you. Really.

(they laugh)

Jennings: Thanks, Claire, but I really don't mind helping you with your patient.

Claire: He's going to be waiting for you.

Jennings: He's that determined?

Claire: Yes. Trust me. (Jennings leaves) Good luck. (she clears her throat and sighs)

(Cut to Trevor. He is outside the building tossing the colored paper plates in to the garbage. Jennings comes outside as one flies above his head, he looks confused at first but then sees Trevor standing there.)

Trevor: Hey, buddy, say you want to grab a beer?

Jennings: Yeah.

Trevor: Come on (He and Jennings start walking and as Trevor passes the garbage he throws the rest of the plates in)

(Cut to Taggerty's Pub, where Jennings & Trevor are having beers)

Trevor: You see anyone here you want to take a run at?

Jennings: A run?

Trevor: Anyone here look appetizing to you?

(a girl with blond hair walks by them)

Jennings: How about her?

Blond: Hi.

Trevor: Super fantastic good taste. For the rest of the evening, I want you to think of her as your prey.

Jennings: So I guess that would make me the big bad wolf.

Trevor: That is correct, you are the big bad wolf. If we play our cards right by the end of the evening, I want her telling you what big assorted body parts you have, you know?

Jennings: (embarrassed) oh, no.

Trevor: "Oh, professor, what a very big cranium you have." (Jennings laughs) "Professor I enjoy the way--"

Jennings: So at what point do I huff and puff and blow her house down?

Trevor: That's excellent imagery. It the wrong fairy tale.

Jennings: Oh, that's right. I always get them confused. How does Little Red Riding Hood go?

(camera pans over to Linda who is talking to Champ)

Linda: There's a lush in that back booth that's going to need a lift from our checkered friends.

Champ: I'll take care of him.

Linda: (pointing to Trevor) He does have a way with the customers.

Champ: Oh, that boy is crazy.

Linda: He is a handful.

Champ: No, you're not hearing me. He's certifiable. The last place he lived had padded walls. I swear if I don't show up for work one day you check my refrigerator for body parts.

Linda: He's harmless, you know that.

Champ: I'm talking about his body parts. I swear I'm gonna snap and pull an Injun Joe.

Linda: Injun Joe?

Champ: From 'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest'. You know... (makes suffocating moovements) with a pillow.

Linda: Injun Joe is Tom Sawyer. The Native American stereotype your searching for was known simply as Chief.

(Linda leaves but Champ calls after her)

Champ: Him then.

(Linda smiles back at him)

(Camera pans over to Trevor who is finishing his version of Little Red Riding Hood)

Trevor: And then the story's one nod to noir, you've got the woodsman who takes his ax...

Jennings: Slices open the wolf..

Trevor: Finds grandma still kicking.

Jennings: The morale?

Trevor: Obvious. If you're trying to get Little Red Riding Hood into the sack make sure there's no ax wielding maniac nearby.

Jennings: So, what you're saying in regards to--

(the blond from before walks by again)

Trevor: No such thing as a shy wolf.

Jennings: (In Latin) is qui subdubitat

Translation: "He who hesitates..."

Trevor: (In Latin) vacuo cubili dormit"

Translation: "...sleeps in an empty bed."

(Jennings looks at Trevor, amazed that he speaks Latin too.)

(Cut to Trevor circling personal ads at a table at Café Sparticus. Claire walks up to him)

Trevor: How did you find me?

Claire: Lucky guess. Uh, about taking over the meeting when I was, uh, late...

Trevor: Don't worry about it, least I could do.

Claire: Don't do it again.

Trevor: Souvlaki?

Claire: (she sits down next to him) No. Another thing. Jennings Crawford is a friend of mine.

Trevor: You must have a point.

Claire: Yes, look, the man is in his mid-thirties. He's lonely, he's lacking some basic social skills, he's--

Trevor: A virgin.

Claire: There's that, yes.

Trevor: You're boy needs some serious help.

Claire: And that's exactly what I'm going to be giving him, so I

Trevor: So?

Claire: So I think you should just stick to circling your personals there and let me help him.

Trevor: Matchmaking, huh? I'll have to see your union card.

Claire: This is a special case. I've got a lot of friends. I think I could you know--

Trevor: Frigid Elitist Sycophants--

Claire: They're women who I think would be right for him, Trevor.


Trevor: "Right for him", what does that mean "Right"?

Claire: Right, right. Common backgrounds, common interests, common goals.

Trevor: I want to be set up by a woman who uses "common" three times to describe my dream date.

Claire: As opposed to uncommon, I don't know.

Trevor: I'll tell you what. While you're out there cross-refrencing and charting I will be--

Claire: Brewing love potions maybe.

Trevor: Ha, ha. Love potio-- I will be giving him the skills that he needs to survive.

Claire: Ok, which skills would these be?

Trevor: How to work it, all right? How to speed up the process.

Claire: I think Mercury's already on that.

Trevor: Ha, ha, ha. You take the low road, I'll take the high road and we'll see who gets to Scotlan first.

Claire: Trevor, I'm not going to take part in some kind of twisted contest with you.

Trevor: All right, then, you know what? You'll lose.

(he gets up and leaves Claire with the check)

(Cut to Jennings writing something on a piece of paper. He finishes and puts the paper into a manila folder. He then writes 'Cupid' on the folder and puts it on a shelf. He opens his office door to find Trevor standing in the doorway)

Trevor: There's the good doctor. You got a minute?

Jennings: Actually, I have a class to teach.

Trevor: Hey, that's cool, I'll sit in.

(cut to Trevor and Jennings walking through the college campus)

Trevor: It's mostly attitude, you know? It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Jennings: I tell my students the same thing. (he pulls out a tape recorder) Do you mind if I record this? I may want to get it all down later.

Trevor: No problem. Ok, right there at 10 o'clock. You see that? (a young college student is walking by herself)She's a lucious little snack pack.

Jennings: She's awfully-- I don't know-- young.

Trevor: I think the word you're looking for there is impressionable.

Jennings: No, she's um, she's a student.

(Trevor walks over to the young student)

Trevor: (to student) Excuse me. Do you have a sec? My friend and I have a bet as to what flavor lip-gloss you're wearing. I say strawberry, he's demanding that it's cherry.

Student: Ok, what's my line? Why don't you try it for yourself.

Trevor: Good work. That is the line.

Student: You're not really expecting me to go through with this, are you?

Trevor: Well, you can do whatever you want but if the spirit moves you, you know, you definitely have free will. (he leads her over to Jennings) Uh, I want you to meet my friend, this is Professor 'Wolf'.

Jennings: Crawford actually.

Student: uh-huh, Professor of..(waits for him to fill in the blank. At first Trevor says 'Anatomy' and Jennings says 'Linguistics' but when they realize they both said two different things they try to correct themselves. The second time Trevor says 'Linguistics' and Jennings says 'Anatomy')

Jennings: (embarrassed) I've got to get to class.

(the student leaves Trevor standing by himself while he wonders what went wrong)

(Cut to Jennings' Linguistics class)

Jennings: So, who can give me a theory of the evolution of language.

Steven: Ye!

Jennings: Oh, as in Ye of little faith.

Steven: No, as in Ye old town tavern.

(class laughs)

Jennings: Always about beer with you, isn't it Steven? But the ye you're talking about, that's an evolution of an alphabet more than an evolution of language. In that time the letter "Y" represented the "th" sound. The proununciation actuially changed. Yes?

Ms. White: Didn't the absence of a class system in the American colonies result in a more homogenized dialect?

(Trevor looks over to a lady who is taking notes in the back of the class. She is about Jennings' age)

Jennings: Reading ahead Ms. White? I am impressed, but it's a flawed theory.

Ms. White: How so?

Jennings: Well, we most certainly do have a class system here, and it's most obvious in our accents and dialects. Now, tell me, Ms. White, Would you rather have your son marring someone who excuses herself so that she can freshen up or one who does the same to take a squat? (class and Trevor laugh) Alright, now let's turn to pg. 42 in your text.

(Kate, the lady Trevor was looking at, leaves and as Jennings watches her go Trevor has an idea)

(Cut to the faculty dining room. Kate is working. Dean Wetland is getting his food)

Dean: I don't care if it's been seasoned with powdered white Rhino; I want catsup.

Kate: (hands him a bottle of catsup and looks annoyed. She has a big city accent) Right, enjoy your trout in the Heintz sauce.

(Dean Wetland leaves. Trevor and Jennings are the next in line)

Trevor: You know what? As cool and relaxed as you are in a classroom, that's how you have to be with a woman.

Jennings: Easier said then done, in Class I know all the lines. Do you eat like that all the time?

Trevor: Yeah, I got a high metabolism.

Jennings: If I ate like that, I would blow up--

Kate: You gonna try one of my desserts professor?

Jennings: Uh--

Trevor: What do you recommend?

Kate: No one complains about my 'death by chocolate'

Trevor: (laughs) Guess they wouldn't.

(Jennings takes the plate of dessert but he's so nervous that his hands shake visibly)

Trevor: (taking the plate from him) I got that.

Jennings: Thank you.

(Trevor looks over to Kate and smiles, he already has his plan all worked out)

(Cut to Trevor and Jennings sitting at one of the faculty dining room tables eating)

Trevor: (pointing to Kate) What's her story?

Jennings: She's not a student but she audits my classes, I have no idea why.

Trevor: It's obvious buddy.

(Over at another table, Dean Wetland spills salt all over his food)

Dean: Damn it to hell!

(Trevor and Jennings laugh)

Jennings: (back on the subject) No, she's never acted--

Trevor: Listen, I'll tell you what. Are you willing to do a little tutoring?

Jennings: tutoring?

Trevor: Ya, tutor her, you know? You're a teacher you know all the lines.

Jennings: I guess. (he looks over to Kate)

(Cut to Trevor talking to Kate)

Kate: He wants to tutor me? Why?

Trevor: Totally selfish reasons. He's a bachelor, you know. Every night, fish sticks, Chimichangas, frozen fruit pies.

Kate: He wants me to cook for him.

Trevor: Yeah, he says his best meals are from here.

Kate: A meal a night and he tutors me, heh?

Trevor: uh-huh. It's a hell of a bargain.

Kate: Yeah, probably worth it.

Kate: Even if it does mean spending another hour with one of those boring elitist windbags.

(Kate leaves and Trevor is confused and worried about his match.)

~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to Champ and Trevor's apartment. Trevor is just coming in the door. Champ is waiting for him and looks very pissed off)

Trevor: Hey(he throws his keys on the counter) What?

Champ: You mind deciphering this for me? (holds up a note that says 'Sunset and Vaughn', audition, Chicago City Studio, II o'clock)

Trevor: That is a note about your audition for 'Sunset and Vaughn', 2:00. How'd it go?

Champ: Well, I had a little problem, see?

Trevor: You did? What happened?

Champ: I got the time wrong.

Trevor: Why's that?

Champ: To us mortals, this looks like an eleven.

Trevor: It does?

Champ: (standing up) I hope you don't take this the wrong way, cause I got nothing but love for the mentally ill. I wouldn't care if you thought you were the Ayatollah Khomeni if you picked up after yourself, paid your rent on time, and got me my messages! But, no, that's not the case. And this was strike 3, so as soon as you can find you another place you're out.

(Champ starts walking up the stairs)

Trevor: The Ayatollah would suck as a roomate, just so you know.

(Cut to Claire's house. She's talking with some friends about Jennings.)

Claire: Ok, so let me get this straight, he likes big band music, kites

Woman: He builds his own.

Claire: and ping pong.

Woman: He played for the Harvard Club team.

Kevin: So you can see why he's such a chick magnet.

Claire: So, what do you think I should look for in a woman for him?

Kevin: respiation.

Woman: Are you sure he likes women?

(Cut to Jennings' office. Kate is walking in. She knocks on the door just before she enters. She is still dressed in her work uniform)

Jennings: Yes? (he looks up and when he sees her he stands up)

Kate: Angel hair pasta in a walnut chili ahia pesto.

Jennings: For me?

Kate: That was the deal.

Jennings: Oh,uh, yes. Thank you. So Kate...

Kate: You know my name? (looks at her name tag which is part of her work uniform) Uh, what am I saying? (sarcastically) Of course you don't know my name. (to herself (wake up Kate.

Jennings: What can I help you with?

Kate: I want to talk right.

Jennings: There's no such thing as a right way of talking.

Kate: Oh, please, let's not kick this thing off with a lie. I wanna sound smart, educated.

Jennings: Why?

Kate: Because the only places that will hire a chef that sound like this are on the interstate and they're open 24 hours.

Jennings: All right.

Kate: Ok.

(Cut to the room where the Singles Group Meeting take place. No one is there besides Claire and a few people who are moving furniture. Claire is talking into her cell phone)

Claire: Well, He's handsome, he's smart, he's got a great job. (pause) Jennings, Dr. Jennings Crawford. (Trevor walks into the room) Ah well, there's this one thing you should probably know, he's shy.

Trevor (at the same time as Claire say's 'he's shy' he goes over to the phone and says) He's a virgin.

Claire: (Claire gives him a look and then goes back to her phone). Carol, I'm sorry about-- hello? That's great. Great, great, great. (to Trevor) You'd rather that poor man be lonely than I find him someone who could make him happy?

Trevor: I believe in truth in advertising.

Claire: No, you don't.

Trevor: You're right, I don't. You wanna know why?

Claire: I am not interested.

(she walks away)

Trevor: But you're well proportioned and that counts for something.

Claire: (comes back over to Trevor) Interested, not interesting.

Trevor: And you smell good.

(Trevor walks over to the bar while Claire sighs and then walks over to him)

Claire: So, how are you doing? Any romantic prospects out on the lunatic fringe?

Trevor: Are you allowed to talk to me that way?

Claire: Yes.

Trevor: No.

Claire: 'No, I'm not.' Or 'No romantic prospects'?

Trevor: Yes.

Claire: What? I am not playing this game. (walks away)

Trevor: (laughs) Not very well at least.

Claire: Fine you know what? You're the semantics Grand Champion. You win.

Trevor: Thank you (does a little victory dance)

Claire: Trevor, come here. Come here. (taps twice) now.

Trevor: What? (goes over to her)

Claire: (going through her purse) You know what? I think I have some ribbons in here for you. Would you like blue, red--

Trevor: There's no need to be patronizing.

Claire: Fine, then would you settle for a happy face sticker?

Trevor: Ok, you know what? The answer is 'no'. I thought I hooked the good doctor up with someone, but I was way off base. Can I have my happy face?

(Cut to Jennings' office. He is tutoring Kate)

Jennings: R is a letter, not a pit stop. Let's try it again "Take the car to the bar"

Kate: Take da car ta da bar.

Jennings: To, to, to. Same as after the number one.

Kate: I said "to"

Jennings: You said "Ta", "Ta da bar"

Kate: Screw you, I said "to"

(Jennings clicks on the tape recorder that's his desk. On tape is Kate saying "Take da car, ta da bar.")

Jennings: (gesturing to the tape recorder) The, not da. Let's try it again. "Take the car to the bar."

Kate: You know what? This was a stupid idea! You have no clue how hard it is, it's like trying to learn a foreign language! And what's with the tape recorder, huh? You gonna play it for your esteemed colleges? Get a good laugh out of it? Point me out in the dining hall, say "There she is, the one with the hairnet". (She picks up her bag and leaves the office)

Jennings: (in south Boston accent) I gawt a pretty good idear of what it's like.

Kate: (she comes back and stand in the doorway): Where'd that come from?

Jennings: (in his accent)South Boston. Home Sweet Home.

Kate: You just changed the way you speak.

Jennings: (in his accent) I grew up smart in a part of town where smart got your butt kicked on a near-daily basis. (he walks over to Kate) I didn't exactly fit in, got all of 35 miles away for college -- Harvard. My first day there, my new roommate asked me if I could fix a leaky sink, he assumed I was a custodian.

Kate: What'd you do?

Jennings: (in his accent) I fixed the sink, but my point is... I didn't fit in any better there. But I decided I'd learn to fit in. I broke down the speech patterns of the rich kids around me. Hardened my vowels, clipped my consonants. It fascinated me how easy it was to change the way I spoke. Change people's perception of me. So Kate, if you really want to do this I'm hear to tell you it can be done.

(Kate drops her bag and decided to try again)

(Cut to the next couple of scenes, where Kate is learning how to speak right while the song Teach Me Tonight by Ann-Margret plays in the background. The first scene is one where Kate is sitting at Jennings' desk, pushing on her cheeks, while watching Jennings do the same. Another scene, where Kate is touching Jennings' throat while he talks and blows on a candle, then she touches her own throat and tries to do what Jennings just did. Then a scene where she's reading from a book outloud while Jennings listens. The last scene is of them walking in the rain together under Jennings' umbrella)

(Cut to a city street where Trevor is talking to a prostiute while walking next to her)

Trevor: 500?

Prostitute: 500.

Trevor: Drachmas? U.S. Dollars?

Prostitute: U.S. dollars only.

Trevor: There's gotta be like some kind of virgin discount.

Prostitute: Buddy, I'm not buying that for a second.

Trevor: (laughs) Oh, no, not me, not me. I got a buddy, needs a kick start. You know what I'm saying?

Prostitute: (doesn't believe him) Right.

Trevor: Oh I got -- me? I got so many notches I can barely keep my pants up.

Prostitute: (walks away) What belt?

(Cut to Claire who is at the Library, talking on her cell phone)

Claire: A Saint Judes fund-raiser than night? Well, that's too bad. I mean good for them, you know? (laughs) No, no, I understand, but I'm telling you it's your loss. He's a great guy. Ok, yeah, I'll see you later. (hangs up the phone)

(from over at the counter, Claire overhears a lady talking)

Monique: (over at the counter, talking to someone who works there) Hi, the guy at the music counter sent me down here. I found the 1939 radio broadcast of Glenn Miller but I was wondering if you have any earlier recording?

Claire: (walks over to the counter) Uh, excuse me. I'm Claire (she shakes hands with Monique) Did you mention Glenn Miller?

Monique: uh, yes. Are you a fan?

(cut to a Single Group Meeting, where people are arriving)

Nick: Hey there professor. (offers him a cherry) Cherry?

Jennings: Thanks, my favorite.

Claire: (walks by and takes Nick's cherry, and eats it) Thanks Nick. (To Jennings) Jennings, I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to worry about.

Jennings: (confused) I'm relived?

Claire: The party. The faculty party, yeah, I've got a lead on the perfect girl for you. Uh, still doing a little background checking, but so far so good. I'll be there by the way.

Jennings: Oh, really.

Claire: Yeah, yeah, I'm Kevin's in-case-of-emergency-break-glass-date. Hey, um, I was wondering. Any--any breakthroughs on the Trevor front?

Jennings: Uh, that's an interesting case. I've got a hunch.

(Trevor comes up to the two of them)

Trevor: (to Jennings) Let's talk. (leaves the two of them)

Claire: Hunch? What type of Hunch?

Jennings: You don't want to know.

Claire: Uh, actually, actually I would like to know.

(Cut to a noisy club, there's loud rock music playing and Trevor and Jennings are just arriving)

Trevor: (after he bumps into somebody) Oh, I'm sorry. (to Jennings) This--this is the joint you want to come to?

Jennings: Yeah, a friend of mine says this place really hops.

Trevor: Yeah, well, you know, there are some places in Beirut that hop. I just wouldn't imagine you--

(Kate spots them and walks over)

Kate: Jennings? What are you doing here? Come on sit with us. (leads them to a table where two of her friends are sitting)

Trevor: (to Jennings)Look at you, Dr. Love, Let me catch up with you. Come on.

Kate: (making introductions) Maeve, and Donna, This is Jennings and uh..

Trevor: Trevor.

Jennings: (shakes hands with Maeve) Maeve. (shakes hands with Donna) Donna. Hello.

Kate: How do you guys know each other?

Trevor: We got thrown out of the Pet Shop Boys, Too rough for them. But it forced us to bond. So, Maeve, Donna, Listen. I like the music of your people, I like to Party, and I like to get down.

Maeve: Which one of us?

Trevor: Both of you. Come on, I'm Lucky Pierre, everybody wins. (the girls get up and start walking to the dance floor) Come on, you little freak.

Kate: Have fun girls.

Trevor: (to Kate) I'll have them home early mom.

Kate: Watch out.

(Kate's friends leave and Jennings and Kate are alone, sitting at the table.)

Kate: Maeve and Donna are the best, you know. Our ten-year reunion was last summer, but we decided it would be too depressing to show up uh, unmarried, childless, and barely employed. Not that we would care, you know, but tongues would wag. Anyway, so, we did one of those Club Med things. A week in the Bahamas. I think I'm still hungover.

Jennings: So, that's why you missed all those classes last semester. I assumed you had something against the diphthong.

Kate: Uh, you know how I sit in on your classes?

Jennings: I know that you work lunches at the faculty dining room every day except Friday.

Kate: Yeah, I assist at a culinary class on Friday.

Jennings: I know that it's you who loosened the salt shaker on Dean Wetland table. (she laughs) I know that you alweays wear black a day after a Bear's loss.

Kate: (impressed) How do you know--

Jennings: Kate O'Donnel, I knew your name long before the day you showed up in my office.

(Cut to outside the Club at the end of the evening, Jennings is trying to get a Taxi)

Trevor: Love Doctor, how'd it go? Did you ask Kate to the faculty shindig?

Jennings: Did you just say "Shindig"?

Trevor: Shindig, blow-out, brouhaha, whatever. Did you ask her?

Jennings: The shindig didn't come up.

Trevor: Really? Didn't come up? So I guess at no point during you lengthy and intimate conversation did she say "Jennings, guess what, I'm clairvoyant, so I know all about this party that you're desperate to get a date for, and it's obvious that you and I like each other, so maybe you should just ask me." Did it ever come up, something like that?

Jennings: I think I could have taken the ball from there.

Trevor: Monday is your deadline.

Jennings: For what?

Trevor: You ask her or I will. Yes. (walks away)

(Cut to Jennings' office. Jennings and Kate are talking)

Jennings: n interview at La Poubelle? That's fantastic. It's one of my favorite

restaurants in Chicago.

Kate: (with Ivy League accent) I was saying that very thing at the club the other day.

Jennings: Well, you should do something to celebrate it.

Kate" (ivy league accent) I thought I'd bathe my weimaraners, hop in the Range Rover, buzz up to Barney's. Then down to Champaign. Therte's this (with her normal accent) little

Jennings: (corrects her) little

Kate: (corrects herself) little backery I know.

Jennings: I heard it's an off-year for heat.

Kate: (ivy league accent) Yes, but, the grain in Champaign grows mainly on the plain.

Jennings: By Jove, I think she's got it. Kiate..

Kate: (ivy league accent) Uh, yes.

Jennings: You know about the formal faculty party?

Kate: (with her usual accent) Know it? I got to work it. You have to go to that dull-fest, don't you? At least I'm paid to show up. What about it?

Jennings: (nervous) I--I--I--I as wondering, I thought, maybe-- I--I was wondering (there's a knock at the office door) uh, come in

(Claire enters)

Claire: Hi, uh, is this a good time?

Jennings: I'm tutoring.

Claire: Oh

Jennings: But we were just finished.

Claire: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't call first. I was right over at the library. (As Claire starts talking Kate packs up her stuff into her bag) Anyway, it doesn't even matter. The point is everything is taken care of.

Jennings: Taken care of?

Claire: For the party. Her name is Monique Matheson. She's perfect. Stanford product. She's out here playing the philharmonics. She can't wait to meet you.

(As Claire is telling Jennings about Monique, Kate looks briefly at Jennings right before she leaves)

Jennings: Wow, Claire that's ... great.

~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to a diner/restaurant type place. Trevor is sitting at a table, circling personal ads. Claire walks in and goes over to Trevor's table and knocks on it twice.)

Trevor: Come in

Claire: (sits down) We were never having a contest.

Trevor: Would have been crass.

Claire: Exactly

Trevor: Unprofessional

Claire: Without a doubt

Trevor: And you would have lost.

Claire: Lost?

Trevor: Mm-hmm

Claire: No, no--I just won, pal.

Trevor: Won what? The contest we weren't having?

Claire: Jennings is going to the faculty party with a wonderful woman

Trevor: yes, he is.

Claire: A woman I set him up wit.

Trevor: You--you set him up with?

Claire: mm-hmm

Trevor: Excuse me (gets up and leaves)

(Cut to the college campus where Kate is walking to one of the building in the rain. She gets to the door and closes her umbrella)

Trevor: Hey Kate

(Kate sighs and tries to get away from him. She opens one of the door to the building, but Trevor goes into the door next to her and gets in front of her)

Trevor: Hey hold on a sec.

Kate: Hey!

Trevor: Why did you deep 6 my boy?

Kate: What?

Trevor: Why did you tell him 'no'?

Kate: What are you talking about?

Trevor: The way you were cooing all over--

Kate: Hey (she hold up her umbrella threateningly) I will open your skull, believe it.

Trevor: All right, the cooing was mutual. The faculty formal thing, did he ask you?

Kate: No.

Trevor: He didn't.

Kate: No! I have to work that party. I wouldn't worry about your friend. I heard he's going. And I heard it's with someone perfect.

(she walks past him)

Trevor: No, no, he's going with you. Hold on a second. (she turns to face him) If he would have asked you would you have said 'yes'?

Kate: uh..

Trevor: No time for pride, would you have said 'yes'? (she nods) Ok, Saturday night, we're gonna make this thing happen. I'll figure out a way, okay? Trust me.

(Cut to Champ and Trevor's apartment. Champ is just coming home and walking through the door. Trevor's stuff is all packed up with his love beads laid on top of them, ready for him to move out)

Trevor: (on the phone) "Embittered Lady", "Caustic Paul" here. E-16, bottom of the page. I too think that pina collatas are for overweight 75 spf-caked tourists, althought I do think it also applies to teenage girls whose parents are away for the weekend.

(Champ puts his keys down and finds an envelope that says "RENT" on it. He picks that up and wanders into the kitchen which is clean)

Trevor: (still on the phone) Good God almighty, I'm a fan of small packages. And uh, I do not fear hugs or fireplaces.

Champ: (to Trevor) Hey, huggable fire boy,

Trevor: (motions him to wait a second while he finished the phone conversation) Uh, I really would like a long walk on the beach. So give my voice mail a call when you get a minute, let's discuss, thanks. (he clicks off the phone and turns to Champ) Welcome Home.

Champ: I appreciate the, uh, effort, but it's too late for that now.

Trevor: Understood, uh, listen, they're having last minute call-backs for that 'Sunset and Vaughn' part.

Champ: That's all well and good but what a call-back means is that they've seen and liked you once already.

Trevor: I don't know about all that. They just said they wanted to see you there.

Champ: When did they say that?

Trevor: When I went down and explained. They were very understanding.

Champ: They were?

Trevor: Yes. (he gets up from his chair) Show people, good people, people needing people.

Champ: That's too bad, I've got to work.

Trevor: That's all right, I'll cover. Saturday night? Saturday night.

(Cut to the formal faculty part on Saturday. Claire, Kevin, Hunter, Monique and Jennings are all standing together)

Monique: So, we're all thinking that the game is over, there' no time left on the clock. Here I am this little freshman clarinet player, wandering out onto the field with the rest of the band. And the next thing I know one of the Stanford players comes crashing into me.

(Jennings looks unimpressed with his date and stares across the room over to where Kate is working)

Monique: As I'm falling backwards I see a Cal player rushing in for the touchdown.

Kevin: I don't believe it, that was you? I've seen that play 100 times on 'Sports Saturday'

Monique: "Play of the Century". Basically I threw the key block for the opposing team.

(All laugh but Jennings. Claire looks over to Kate for a second and wonders what Jennings is staring at)

(Cut to Taggerty's Pub, Trevor is covering for Champ, checking IDs)

Man: My hair used to be longer back --

Trevor: Look, I'm not buying it, man

Man: I'm 36

Linda: Trevor, he can come in.

Trevor: All right but when Elliot Ness shows up with a battering ram, don't come crying to me.

Linda: When is Champ getting here?

Trevor: (he takes her arm and check her watch) 20 minutes ago. (he turns to a young girl as Linda walks away. He checks her ID and knows that it's false) What's your sign? (imitates buzzer) Please enjoy the bumper cars across the street. This is a no pouting zone. Skedaddle, Scoot, scootie, scootie. Watch out for a tummy ache.


(Cut to the party, Monique is still talking)

Monique: Before that play I had only the vaguest idea of what football meant to American culture. I mean, suddenly there were requests for interviews, marriage proposals from Cal fans.

Kevin: Are we leapers? I mean have the hor'dovers been over here once? (calls across the room to Kate) Um, excuse me, Miss.

Claire I think it's a substitue for war.

Kevin: What, depriving us of hummus?

Claire: No, no, I mean really, think about football's upside. It sates men's appetite for destruction.

Hunter: Oh, well, I'm a man and I have no affinity for the sport.

Kevin: (calling over to Kate again) No, no, no, they're tenured they don't need free food.

Monique: You have no affinity for the sport because you’re a product of socioeconomic factors.

Jennings: How's that?

Monique: Well, consider ancient Rome.

Jennings: All right.

Monique: It wasn't the scholars or senators that were out there hacking each other up for the crowd's amusement.

Jennings: But they were certainly spectators.

Monique: Thought it's doubtful that they were wearing the Roman equivalent to giant cheese loafs on their heads. (all but Claire & Jennings laugh) True passion for sports, contests, violence; it comes from the working classes.

(Kate makes her way over to them)

Monique: (to Kate) Excuse me, Miss. (Kate looks at her) Hi. Would you say that in your neighborhood, people generally get worked up over football?

Kate: (sarcastically) Oh, in my neighborhood? Football's just an excuse to get drunk and fight. I mean, that's when we're not out cruising the boulevard in our tripped up GTO's singing along to Springstein songs. (hands the tray of hor'dovers to Kevin) Here, eat up, pal.

Monique: (as Kate walks away, mad) Did I say something?

Claire: Yeah, probably.

(Jennings walks after Kate)

Jennings: Kate, hold on! Please stop, this is very difficult for me, Kate please wait.

Kate: Why --Why should I wait?

(Trevor arrives at the party and grabs a glass of wine)

Jennings: (in his South Boston accent) 'Cuz you're wicked awesome.

Kate: (crosses her arms) What else?

Jennings: (in his South Boston accent) You're smart, you're funny, You got a hot bod.

Kate: (in Ivy League accent) Why, Professor, this is hardly the time or place.

Jennings: (in his accent) Screw the time or place.

Kate: (with Ivy League accent) I somehow doubt the family would approve.

Jennings: (in his accent) Then don't bring 'em.

Kate: (usual accent) We're going somewheres?

('I'll stand by you' by the Pretenders starts to play)

Jennings: (in his accent) Baby, we were born to run. (They kiss and the roomful of people clap.)

(Cut to Champ and Trevor's apartment. Trevor has come back from the faculty party and is just entering the door)

Trevor: How'd it go Albert?

Champ: I got the part.

Trevor: That's good.

Champ: They seemed very concerned about my mother. Mentioned her transplant.

Trevor: How is she doing?

Champ: Water skiing this weekend as a matter of fact.

Trevor: (he enters his side of the apartment and sees that everything has been put back) Resilient woman, your mom. (Trevor smiles, it's clear that he won't be moving any time soon)

(Cut to Claire walking to Jennings' office. Right before she knocks on the door, Kate opens it, her hair is sort of messed up and her shirt is buttoned the wrong way)

Claire: Oh.

Kate: Oh, hello.

Claire: Uh.. your buttons.. (she point to the Kate's shirt buttons.)

Kate: Oh! Thanks! (she leaves while trying to button her shirt the right way)

Claire: (she walks into Jennings' office and smiles.) Hi, uh, I was over at the library returning some books, and I uh, thought I'd stop by to see how things are going.)

Jennings: No complaints.

Claire: I guess not. Hmm, by the way I was meaning to ask you uh, all the time you spent with Trevor, were you able to come to any determinations regarding his background?

Jennings: Do you know it was Trevor who arranged my meeting Kate?

Claire: Uh, yeah, yeah, you mentioned that once or twice.

Jennings: I mean he said that she needed tutoring and he told her I needed meals cooked. Just funny how things work out.

Claire: You know, even a state-- even a state may give me--

Jennings: He really thinks he's Cupid. That's really priceless.

Claire: Illness is--is more the, uh, accurate word Dr. Jennings, but um, ahem, Do you--Do you think you could help?

Jennings: I'm sorry Claire, in all the excitement I didn't have time to study his dialect.

Claire: Oh, uh, well, so when do you think --

Jennings: I doubt it will be anytime soon.

Claire: Oh.. ok well.. I'm --I'm happy that you're happy. Hey, I'll see you at the next dinner party?

Jennings: Can't wait.

Claire: Ok.

(Claire leaves and walks down the corridor. Jennings opens a draw marker "misc." in his filing cabinet. He then put the folder marked "CUPID" in the very back of it.)

(Cut to a Singles Group Meeting)

Claire: Ok, Sherri, what I am hearing you say is that you're looking for a relationship that doesn't require any work.

Sherri: Is that too much to ask?

Nick: Hey, what happened to the virgin?

Claire: Jennings is seeing a very nice woman.

Nick: Yeah, but is he, uh…

Claire: Uh, things seem to be going very well.

Trevor: (he walks into the Single's Group Meeting late) Yes, because he followed my advice.

Claire: Your advice?

Trevor: Yes, he trusted his gut and he did not wait for Ms. Things-in-common.

Claire: Uh that's exactly what he did do.

Trevor: Name one thing they have in common.

Claire: Working class backgrounds.

Trevor: Name 2 things.

Claire: You know, Trevor, You made the introduction why don't you give yourself a pat on the back.

Trevor: (patting himself on the back) Look at me. Watch me pat myself--Iam --

Claire: Thank you for taking into consideration all the things you've learned at these sessions.

Trevor: I haven't learned anything. Name one thing I've --

Claire: You know, you're sounding a little defensive.

Trevor: Really? I was shooting more for pissed-off.

Claire: You know what you're problem is?

Trevor: Athena says I snore to much.

Claire: No, that's not it.

Trevor: I've never head-butted a mime?

Claire: Really?

End of The Linguist.

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