Author's Notes:  My eternal gratitude to Seren and
            Tracy for their help, support, and kind comments.
            Thanks also to Nate and   Lisa D. for reminding me that
            you are never too old and it is never too late.

            The Choice

            "Come on Willow, get yourself together," I berated
            myself as I stood outside the church. Absently fingering
            the necklace that lay hidden under my dress, I tried to
            steel myself against the inevitable onslaught of
            emotions and memories that I knew would hit me once I
            entered. I had always known this day was coming. I
            guess we all did, but this was too soon. I wasn't ready.
            But I didn't have a choice so I took a deep breath and
            walked in. It was time.

            Once inside, I looked around and saw many familiar
            faces, as well as many that weren't familiar. Friends from
            school and relatives, I assumed. Buffy's mom was in the
            front row, trying very hard not to cry. I saw Cordelia
            and, what a surprise, she was checking her makeup. I
            was not able to see Giles from where I was standing, but
            I knew he would be there. My eyes eventually landed on
            Xander who was trying very hard to put on a brave
            front. I remembered the last time we were together, when
            I was home from college last summer. Back then I never
            dreamed we would see each other again so soon and
            under these circumstances.

            Buffy looked beautiful. Of course she always looked
            beautiful but never so serene and at peace. The chapel
            was filled with flowers, and I wondered if there was
            another flower left in all of Sunnydale. I am not going to
            cry I promised myself, not yet anyway.

            As I walked slowly toward the front of the chapel, the
            memories came flooding back. I remembered with a smile
            the first time I saw Buffy, the new girl in school, and I
            remembered even better the first time Xander told me
            how he felt about her. He often used me to practice
            asking her out. For that split second, Xander was able to
            make this geeky 16-year-old girl feel like the most
            beautiful woman in the world. That is until reality came
            crashing back to remind me that I was only the
            temporary stand-in. I can smile about it now because
            two people helped me to quit sniveling over him, Oz and
            Buffy. Oz was my first love, and Buffy was the best
            girlfriend that I ever had and probably will ever have.

            I was a junior at MIT when I received *the* phone call.
            It was too soon! Buffy was too young I wanted to
            scream through the phone. But I didn't, because they
            were counting on me to be strong and help with some of
            the arrangements.

            Buffy and I had kept in constant touch while I was away.
            A week didn't pass without us spending a whole night
            on the phone, and rarely a day passed when we didn't
            exchange email. I had not even wanted to go to MIT. I
            wanted to stay in Sunnydale and be with my friends.
            Then everything would be the way it was before, and
            besides, Buffy needed me. But she wouldn't hear of it.
            "I'll be fine!" She told me over and over again. She
            reminded me that she and Xander would be going to the
            same community college. Plus, she still had Giles and
            even Cordelia since she decided to attend Kent College.
            Yes, the very same college where a fraternity had tried to
            sacrifice her to some reptilian deity only a few years
            earlier. Cordy said something about its M.R.S. Degree
            being the best in the area. It's nice to know that some
            things never change, and I actually hope that she does
            find herself some rich man to drive insane.

            There was a time when I thought Buffy and I may not be
            able to continue to be friends. Xander calls them the
            dark months, those many weeks when Buffy
            disappeared after sending Angel to hell. It was only a
            few weeks after I restored Angel's soul that he came to
            me. I was lying on a hammock in the back yard when he
            stepped out of the bushes. I reached for a stake before I
            realized who it was. It took only one glance at his
            despondent form to confirm my belief that the second
            try had been successful. He looked terrible, like someone
            who had crawled out of the pits of hell. I would learn
            later that 'spit out' was more accurate. I guess a
            repentant soul isn't of much use in hell these days, and
            heaven decided an eternity of trying to make up for his
            evil ways was the best use of his 'talents.'

            I only needed to wonder for a minute why he was here.
            The moment I looked into Angel's eyes I could see that
            they were begging for the forgiveness his lips could not
            yet ask for. Angel found it in me because it had always
            been there. I was easily able to separate Angelus's
            actions from Angel, although I am not sure why. We
            talked that night for hours, or at least I listened for hours
            because that was what he needed. I remember at times
            feeling like a priest hearing confession and wishing that
            I could give his soul the absolution that it was yearning
            for, but I couldn't. What does a little Jewish girl know of
            Hail Marys and Our Fathers? But I gave him all
            forgiveness, patience, and understanding that I had, and
            more. It was almost dawn when he finally asked me
            about Buffy. I told him what little I knew about what had
            happened and that seemed to be enough, for now.

            By the time Buffy finally came back toward the end of
            that summer, things had changed enormously. There
            was a lot of resentment from those that Buffy had left
            behind. No one had believed that she would stay away
            so long and leave us to defend Sunnydale on our own.
            After all, we were only *slayerettes.* Our strengths were
            in research and brainstorming and in the inevitable
            monkey work that resulted from defending the world
            against the forces of evil. But that was before she left.
            On our own we had to become stronger than we were
            before. Giles coached us as best he could to defend
            ourselves and dust the vampires. When I look back at it
            now, I think it changed me more than it did the rest. I had
            to face my fears and could no longer hide behind my
            computer 24 hours a day. I became a more confident and
            stronger Willow that summer, in more ways than one.
            That strength did not come without a price however, as I
            gave more and more of myself to helping slaying and
            Angel, my relationship with Oz slowly starved to death.
            We ended it mutually but would always remain close
            friends.

            The Buffy that came back to us was a different person.
            She was cold and distant, but that was not the thing that
            made her different. I had seen that side of her before
            after the Master had almost killed her. I could deal with
            that Buffy. But this wasn't someone who was pushing
            her friends away while she struggled with her own
            mortality. No, this was a person who was already dead
            on the inside. I had seen it before with Angel, guilt was
            eating away at her, and she wasn't even putting up a
            fight. The guilt came from being unable to forgive Angel,
            it came from deserting us and her mother, and for leaving
            her sacred duty. It was too much guilt for one person to
            bear. She wouldn't talk about it much at first, but I tried
            to help as much as I could. Once again I was able to
            offer forgiveness when it was needed.

            She relied on me more than normal now. Schoolwork
            alone kept us busy. We worked very hard to get her
            caught up so that she could take the finals she missed.
            In the end, we were again victorious, and she was
            allowed to start as a senior that fall. Things were not any
            easier though. Her mother tried her best to cope with
            what her little girl had become and to understand the
            responsibilities that her daughter had to shoulder. When
            Buffy looked at her mother, she saw only regret and
            confusion, and her mother looked at her like she was a
            stranger. Giles too was having difficulties, feeling that he
            had failed as a watcher, and he was unable to mask his
            disappointment with Buffy for leaving. Then there was
            Xander. Poor Xander was the most confused. He was
            angry at Buffy for leaving, and at the same time felt
            responsible for not telling Buffy that I was going to try
            one last time to restore Angel's soul. So in the end, it
            seemed that I was the mediator. No one was mad at me,
            and I in turn had long forgiven Buffy for leaving in the
            manner that she did. So that left me to bring us all back
            together. To try and make things the way they were
            before.

            By the time Buffy had returned, Angel and I had spent
            countless nights talking and just hanging out. Angelus's
            memories haunted him has he tried to come to terms with
            what he had done. Memories of his torture of Giles and
            the death of Jenny. He remembered every attack, both
            physical and psychological, on Buffy and the rest of us.
            Not to mention the countless others whose names he
            did not even know. He struggled for months to come to
            terms with Angelus's deeds, and was slowly able to
            begin to, if not forgive himself, at least move on. But
            Angel's pain was easy to handle when compared to
            Buffy's. All of Buffy's actions were her own, not some
            demons.

            Buffy didn't know how to feel when I explained to her
            what I had done for Angel. Relief. Regret. Gratitude. But
            not forgiveness. She was never able to forgive Angel;
            she couldn't even look him in the eyes. More
            importantly, she wasn't able to forgive herself for not
            being capable of granting Angel the amnesty he needed.

            She knew I spent time with Angel, helping him in much
            the same way as I was helping her, but she didn't want
            to know about it and asked that I never mention his
            name again. So I honored her wishes, and in the end that
            would be our undoing.

            I remember the first time I saw Angel truly smile after the
            restoration. It was months later, just after Halloween,
            and we were in my backyard looking at the stars as we
            often did. We weren't talking about anything important,
            not his past and not the future, we were just talking.
            Some how I found myself telling him about a particularly
            embarrassing incident of stage fright that occurred to me
            during our 2nd grade musical production of "The Frog
            Prince." By the end, we were both lying on our backs
            looking up at the stars, and I was laughing so hard that
            tears were streaming down my face. When I looked at
            him, I noticed that he was watching me, and I saw that
            the sparkle was back in his eye. He had somehow
            decided that it was time to go on with his 'life'. That was
            when it happened, and I think that was when he first felt
            it too. He would later tell me that my laughter had
            sounded like heaven to him that night. I never asked him
            exactly what that meant. I guess I didn't want to know
            what hell had sounded like, but from that night on, our
            souls were one.

            I knew from the beginning that I had to tell Buffy that my
            relationship with Angel had evolved, I just didn't know
            how. She had moved on with her life, and although she
            knew that I still saw Angel, she never asked about him.
            She didn't want to know. To her, Angel was dead. I tried
            to tell her many times after that, but anytime I even
            mentioned his name she would change the subject, or
            leave the room, or whatever it took to make sure that I
            was never able to tell her that we had fallen in love. But
            she knew. I could see it in her eyes, so I let it go. As far
            as Buffy was concerned, as long as I didn't say the
            words, it wasn't happening.

            Then the bottom fell out. I should have known better. I
            should have been more careful, but love makes you do
            the wacky. Buffy was spending the night at my house
            while my parents were away for the weekend. It was like
            old times, the first time it had felt that way in so long.
            Xander had come over, and the three of us watched old
            movies and made fun of them until two in the morning.
            They had finally both fallen asleep on the couch, helped
            along by a sinful amount of Ben & Jerry's.

            I was still wide awake, having slowly become even more
            of a night owl than I was before, and being blessed with
            a metabolism that could survive quite happily on four or
            five hours of sleep a night. I had wandered into the back
            yard to lie in the hammock, and just stare at the beautiful
            night and ponder life's interesting little twists and turns.
            But before my thoughts could even make it around the
            first bend, he was there. I remember laughingly accusing
            him of spying on us before making room for him on the
            hammock. We were swinging there, laughing and kissing
            when she saw us. Suddenly the backyard lights were on,
            and Buffy was storming toward us with such intensity
            that I was frightened, but for Angel not myself. I
            scrambled to get off the hammock but only succeeded in
            causing it to flip over. Angel and I landed in a tangled
            mess on the wet lawn only to have Buffy looming over
            us with a look that I can only describe as mournful.

            Buffy never cried that night. In fact, she never even said
            his name when she gave me the choice. "The Choice."
            That was how we would refer to it later. Years later when
            she begged my forgiveness over the phone. Later when
            she tried to make everything right again.

            Ah yes, The Choice. It was simple enough. Buffy or
            Angel. She couldn't be my friend anymore if Angel and I
            were to continue to see each other. Funny thing. She
            didn't yell, or scream, or throw a tantrum over the fact
            that I was romantically involved with her ex-boyfriend.
            She didn't even raise her voice. She just stated a fact. I
            had to choose. I couldn't have the best of both worlds,
            the Hellmouth wouldn't allow it. Her sanity, her
            innermost self, and the new world order that she had
            begun to create and surround herself with couldn't
            handle it. If she was to continue to save the world and
            get her homework in on time, Angel could not be in her
            life. Nowhere in her life. And if Angel was in my life, and
            I was in hers . . . well, you can see where this was going.

            I made the decision, right then and there. When I reflect
            back, I didn't even pause to think. That is probably what
            hurt the loser the most. I made it seem effortless. Piece of
            cake! I can eliminate this side of my life like taking off a
            Band-Aid. Just do it quickly so it won't hurt so much.

            The pain in Angel's eyes was unfathomable. I could tell
            that he didn't believe it was happening. Hell had opened
            up and swallowed him whole, again, and this time I
            wouldn't be able to save him.

            Buffy on the other hand didn't even flinch. When I
            grabbed her hand and walked back into the house it was
            like nothing had ever happened. In fact, we did not
            speak of it again for over a year. I never even knew if she
            told Xander what had happened that night.

            Angel came around the next night, of course, hoping
            that he had misunderstood. Hoping that we could still be
            together when Buffy wasn't around, just like it was
            before. Then he looked into my eyes, and he knew.
            When he asked why, all I could say was that *Buffy
            really* needed me now. I never even apologized.
            Something had changed inside me that night. I had made
            the Choice, and in that split second I took all the love
            that I had felt for Angel, wrapped it up in a neat little
            package and buried it somewhere deep inside. Pushing it
            as far away from my heart and my soul as I could, I
            became the antithesis of my name sake and wouldn't
            change my mind. I was a rock, and all of Angel's
            pleading and tears did nothing to erode my surface.
            Slowly Angel's tears turned to anger, and he was gone.

            I never saw Angel again; however, I found a note he had
            left a few days later. It was in a neat little package tied
            with red ribbon. Inside was a beautiful necklace; an
            ornately carved silver star on a long chain. I noticed
            when I held it up that it seemed to shine more brightly
            than those we spent many nights gazing at. The note
            was short:

            I was going to give you this on Valentine's Day

            You may have saved my soul, and Buffy's, but who will
            save yours?

            Goodbye

            A.

            I guess some people prefer to take the bandage off
            slowly, one hair at a time. And still I did not cry.

            It was early my Sophomore year when I received a late
            night phone call from a hysterical Buffy. I never found
            out what set her off, but I assumed Xander had
            something to do with it. They had become very close
            after I left, and I was glad. She begged my forgiveness
            for what she called her selfishness in making me choose.
            She pleaded for me to try and find him, and told me that
            it wasn't too late. She would apologize to him and beg
            his forgiveness as well. "What kind of a friend would
            make you decide between love and friendship!" she
            wailed. I gave her as much forgiveness over the phone
            as I could. It was old news now. I had moved on with my
            life, and I was sure that Angel had too, and I was fine.
            Xander told me later that she had continuously tried to
            find Angel with no luck, but it was thought that he was
            still 'alive.'

            The minister's voice finally broke me out of my reverie. I
            looked around sheepishly hoping that no one noticed
            my little visit to memoryville. Oz caught my eye and
            smiled reassuringly. I smiled back, Oz always seemed to
            have a way of knowing what I was thinking. I turned
            back and focused my attention on the minister. I will not
            cry. I will not. . . And then it was over. The familiar organ
            strains filled the church, and suddenly it seemed like
            everyone was crying.

            I went to Xander and hugged him for what seemed like
            forever, neither one of us wanting to let go. Then I
            leaned over and kissed Buffy on the cheek.
            "Congratulations Mrs. Harris," I whispered as I hugged
            my best friend. "It was the most beautiful wedding I
            have ever seen," and finally I let the tears fall.

            The End  (Yup, that *is* how I ended it ;-)   )
 
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