"Is this what you want Willow?" his mouth was so dangerously
close to hers.
Anger and adrenaline forced him to be much rougher with her
than he intended.
Her short quick gasps of air agitated him.
She stood there looking defiantly at him, ignoring the shivers
being sent
through her body by his breath on her face. She hated him at
the moment. For
his
dishonesty and for yelling at her in the Library and then for
dragging her off
to the infernal utility closet. The same closet that held the
secrets of his
many rendezvous with Cordelia.
"Xander," she said through clenched teeth. "Let me go."
"No Willow. We need to finish this. We need to fix it," his hands
tightened
around her upper arms, bringing her forcefully closer. "I can't
Willow. Do this,
that is."
"What 'this' are you talking about?" she asked softly, not letting
the bubbling
anger building up in her give way to her frustration.
"Do you have any idea what would happen if I messed this up?
If I screwed this
up?" Xander's voice rose an octave.
"Xander, what - " she started to ask.
He cut her off, "I'd not only lose my best friend," he pulled
her closer again.
"I'd lose someone I was in love with too."
The impact of his words sent her reeling. It was he who said
it in the Hospital.
Not Oz. Xander was in love with her but didn't want a relationship.
She was in
so much shock, she no longer felt the tight grip he had on her
arms. She
became
numb.
Willow looked up into his face and noticed the wetness around
his eyes. Her
hostility subsided somewhat, and reaching up and cupping his
cheek, she said
the
only thing she could, "I'm scared too."
But Xander's anger was still evident, and he scoffed, "I'm scared
shitless. Why
do you think I tried so hard to reassure you that what I have
with Cordelia
doesn't mean anything?"
She responded with the same animosity, "What! So I'd absolve
you of the time
you
spend with her?! So I'd let you do it, even though every time
I see you with her
I'd want to scream my head off?! You want me to wait?! Is that
it?! If it
doesn't mean anything than why are you still with her?!"
"Willow," he said flatly. "I-I just can't risk it."
"Oh, okay, I'm not worth the risk?!" Willow figured she'd had it and pushed away
from him.
Xander let her go finally.
"Please Willow," he said starting to calm down a bit.
She moved away from him, trying to figure things out. And since
he blocked the
door and refused to let her leave, she'd realized she'd have
to think things
over in the closet with him.
After some moments, and Willow stopped pacing, Xander tried again.
"My
saying
sorry isn't going to make up for the hurt I've caused everyone,
especially you,
but…"
"Xander," Willow ventured a small smile, but it came out as a grimace. She was
trying anything to lighten the tension. They had more important
things to do,
like find Buffy. "Shut up," she said. At his confused look,
she continued, "like
I said before, I don't want to understand this thing you have
with Cordelia.
But, because you are my best friend and because I…I love you,
if you want to
be
with her, than there's nothing I can do. I can't compete with
her, but that
doesn't mean I forgive you about with-holding information from
Buffy."
Xander tried to interrupt, but she held up her hands indicating
that he should
stay quiet and let her finish.
"A-and I have Oz. He uhm really likes me you know? He even came
to the
Hospital
and everything. And he's sweet and I want to make it work with
him." She found
herself saying things to make the incapacitating pain she was
starting to feel
eating away at the center of her being go away.
Xander stood still, absorbing what she was telling him. That
was strike three,
first Cordelia, then Buffy. And now she didn't want him. She
would go and be
with Oz.
He was out.
Finally he asked, "so that's it huh? You're sticking with 'Wolf-Boy?'"
As calmly as she could, Willow ignored the derogatory reference
to Oz and
replied, "this, whatever we have beyond our now 'fragile' friendship
is
obviously too big for either of us to handle. A-and if we were
to be reasonable
about it, are either or us ready for that big step? Are you?
You said yourself,
you weren't, aren't, won't take the risk."
Xander didn't reply, and Willow felt her heart break all over
again. She wanted
to hit him so bad, but controlled her rage and sadness.
"So this is it," Willow stated shakily, echoing his words from before.
"Yeah," Xander slumped downwards and sat on the floor.
Willow hopped over him and reached for the door. Conscious that
her actions
may
have been perceived as the need to get as far away from the
situation, from him,
as possible, she was relieved that he didn't protest her wanting to leave.
"I-I need to go Xander. Please," she said sadly. It was all too
much she
realized. They still had no idea about Buffy, and now this,
she felt her heart
constrict.
She watched as he just sat there. When he looked up at her, he
gestured
casually
towards the door and Willow took off.
Xander felt the air whoosh around him as she vacated the small
space, and he
found he could no longer hold the tears in. "Oh Willow," he
said as he started
to sob, "we didn't even try."
Outside, Willow slipped downwards against the door, letting her
fingers slide
down against the cool wood. She let the tears she had been holding
in fall
freely, "why should we Xander?"