The door opened and Joey stuck his head in. "Hey Xand, I’m gonna go meet
the guys on the south lawn and then we’re heading into town. You
coming?"

Xander shook his head at his roommate. "Nah, I’m just going to stay in
tonight."

Joey feigned shock. "Really! Cuz you’ve been such a party animal lately.
Going out every night."

"Lay off," Xander muttered.

"I’m sorry," Joey replied, "but this is insane. For four months all
you’ve been doing is brooding in your room. It’s not healthy man. Come
on, this girl couldn’t have been that worth it. . ."

"Don’t you dare say that!" Xander interrupted fiercely. "You don’t know
her."

"Yeah, but I know that she broke your heart. Left a perfectly good
Xander Harris, who had been fine before he visited her, sulking and
moody.  How can you still love her after she hurt you so much?" Joey
protested.

"She had every right to." Xander told him. "I didn’t deserve her. I
still don’t. But I won’t ever be able to love anyone else."

‘Could I love you, could you love me?’

Joey sighed. "Fine. I’m going. But we’re not leaving ‘til eight, if you
change your mind."

"Yeah, sure." Xander answered quietly.
* * *
Cordelia came bounding into the room she shared with Willow. "Will, I’ve
got the best news!" she exclaimed.

Willow smiled. "Cord, hon, how many cups of coffee have you had today?"

Cordelia snorted. "Fine, I won’t tell you. Ohh. . .but I have to! I just
found out that Billy Artu, yes that’s right, smart, funny, cute Billy
Artu, is going to ask you out!"

She paused for Willow to react, but the redhead just kept on reading her
novel.  "Hello? Did you hear me?"

Willow looked up. "I heard you. But I don’t really like him like that.
If he asks me, I’ll probably say no."

"WHAT!?" Cordelia screeched. It took her a few moments to calm down.
"Why?!"

"I told you, I just don’t like him like that." Willow replied.

"Yeah, apparently you don’t like anyone ‘like that’ anymore. I can’t
figure it out Will. You said no to Xander, but you’re still having your
little trip over him."

Willow sighed. "Don’t bring Xander into this."

But Cordelia was getting mad. "I have to! Y’know, you had everything.
The boy of your dreams loved you, wanted you. But you rejected him.
Fine, that’s your choice. But if it is your choice, either get over him,
or call him up and tell him you made a mistake!"

Willow stood up abruptly, letting her book fall on the floor. "Don’t you
tell me what to do, Cordelia Chase! I had to say no to him. He didn’t
love me. I would just be setting myself up to get hurt again. And if I
don’t want to go out with Billy Artu, or any other guy, that’s my
business. You couldn’t possibly know what it’s like."

‘Chasing me all around
Leading me all around in circles’

"All I know," Cordelia yelled. "Is that you have to decide what you
want. Because if you want him, all you have to do is call him up. Don’t
tell me he didn’t love you Willow. When he talked to me about it, before
we got on the plane, I heard the love in his voice, I saw it in his
eyes! It was something he never once had with me or Buffy. But if you
don’t want him, stop drowning in your self-pity and get a life!" With
that Cordelia stormed out of the room and left a fuming Willow behind.
* * *
Joey thumbed through Xander’s address book, which he had snuck out of
Xander’s drawer while his roommate was in a class.  He thumbed through
it and turned to one of the last letters in the index.
"R, R," he muttered to himself. "Here we go. Willow Rosenberg." He
quickly copied down the number of the dorm room and then stuck the
little black book back into the drawer.
* * *

"Yes?" Willow answered to the quiet knock on her door.

Cordelia cautiously poked her head in. "Can I come in?" she asked.

Willow nodded and Cordelia opened the door the rest of the way,
revealing the bakery box she had in her hand. She held the box out to
Willow. "Truce?" she questioned shyly.

Willow gave her a half-smile. "Depends what you got in the box."

"Cinnamon buns from Monty Bakery, your favorite."

Willow accepted the box and put it on her dresser. Cordelia, taking this
as a sign of peace, went on. "Wills, I’m so sorry. I hate when we fight.
I had no right to tell you what to do, and yell at you like that. If you
need time to work through your stuff, I should have been a lot more
understanding."

Willow sat beside her on the bed and hugged her best friend tightly.
"I’m sorry too." She said once they had pulled back. "You were right,
and I know you only said those things because you’re my best friend and
you care about me."

"I just want you to be happy," Cordy told her. "You’ve been so brooding
ever since the camping trip."

Willow sighed. "I know.  Actually, when you were gone, this guy called
up, Joey, you remember Xander talking about him, he’s Xand’s roommate.
He asked if maybe I wanted to come visit them during the long weekend.
He said he wanted to make it a surprise for Xander, and that they had an
extra bed and all where I could stay. I think it would be a good idea,
try and patch up my relationship with Xander."

Cordelia nodded. "That sounds cool. I think you should go too. Who
knows, maybe something will happen."

Willow sighed, but she was too tired to argue. "Yeah, who knows."
* * *

Joey scanned the terminal for the auburn-haired girl he was supposed to
pick up. "This should be fun," he murmured to himself. "She’s never met
me, I’ve never met her, how the hell are we supposed to find each
other?"

As the last few people straggled through the doors, he caught sight of a
slim red-head, a bag slung over her shoulder, that looked about his age.
He paused before going up to meet her. There was always the chance that
she had no idea what he was talking about and he would look like a
complete fool, but there weren’t any more people coming out of the
hallway, and this was the first girl he’s seen that fit the description.
Crossing his fingers, he approached the girl.

She was so busy checking something in her bag that she didn’t even
notice that he had come up to her.
"Willow Rosenberg?" he questioned her.

She looked up, a bit startled, but then grinned broadly. "Yeah. You must
be Joey."

Joey smiled back. He was starting to see what Xander saw in her. Her
good mood was contagious. "At your service. Here, let me take your bag
for you."

"Thanks," Willow replied.

He relieved the bag from her and then resumed talking. "Xand was in a
class when I left, but it should be over by now and he’ll probably be in
the room. He has no idea where I am, this will be a total surprise."

Worry flashed in Willow’s eyes briefly, which Joey caught. "So Xander
has no idea that I’m coming?" she murmured.

"No, none at all." Joey told her, and for the first time he began to
think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
* * *

Xander sighed as he tossed his bag on the floor and stretched out on his
bed. Ahh, no more classes for three days.  He sat up and faced the
stereo on the shelf above his bed.  "Van Halen or  Everclear? Or maybe
Live?" he wondered aloud.

"Well,  you know that I’ve always been partial towards Everclear." A
familiar voice came from behind him. Xander whirled around, shocked.

"Wills?!" he exclaimed.

Willow grinned. "In the flesh."

Xander bounded off his bed and ran to hug her. He sweeped her up in his
arms while she giggled and hugged her tightly.
Not until he could see that she was gasping for air did he set her down
and let go. "Omigod, what are you doing here?"

"You can thank Joey for that." Xander noticed for the first time his
best friend standing slightly behind Willow.

"You did this?" Xander’s voice held traces of warning and wariness.

"Thought it’d be a nice surprise." Joey replied evenly.

Willow sensed the tension between them and put in. "I’m still waiting
for Everclear."

Xander turned back to her. "Yeah sure."

"Listen guys, I’ve got to go meet Emily, and I’m sure you’ve got tons to
talk about, so I’m leaving." Willow wondered if Joey knew the double
meaning in his words. Xander was sure of it.

Joey left and Xander turned back to the stereo. "Which CD do you want to
listen to? ‘Sparkle and Fade’ or ‘So Much for the Afterglow’?"

" ‘So Much for the Afterglow’." Willow told him. "Listen, I want you to
show me all around here, and the city and everything, we’ve got three
whole days."

"Yeah," Xander replied. "It’ll be awesome."
* * *
 
Willow and Xander collapsed on Xander’s bed, still laughing. The last
three days had been perfect. They’d spent all their time together,
seeing the university and hanging out. It was perfect for Willow, just
like old times. Yet for Xander, all the time he was with Willow was just
a reminder of the unattainable, his love that would never be returned.

‘spend this time with me
together share this smile
lover lay down’

"God, I can’t believe I have to leave for the airport in half an hour."
Willow moaned as she made herself comfortable on Xander’s mattress.

"It’s been a great weekend." Xander agreed.

"Uh huh." Willow murmured as she got up and started looking around
Xander’s room again. She wanted to remember everything, she knew that
when she got back Cordelia would want details about everything, even
what Xander’s room looked like.

As she looked at his desk, an object caught her eye, something she
hadn’t noticed before. It was a picture frame,  but it was the photo
inside it that caught her attention. She recognized it from a few months
ago, when Cordelia had showed her a copy. Willow had told Cordelia
firmly that she didn’t want the picture, and it meant nothing to her.
But here, seeing it on top of Xander’s desk, since Cordy had obviously
sent him a copy, she felt her stomach tie up in knots again. They really
did look beautiful there, just the two of them, Xander cradling her as
they slept in the forest. Willow hadn’t even realized that Cordy had
taken the picture, and was slightly taken back when she first saw it.
But now it reminded Willow of what she had talked about with Joey last
night.

"Xander," she started, turning around, "I was talking with Joey last
night."

"Really!" Xander chuckled. "I thought no one ever spoke to him
voluntarily."

Willow smiled gently. "He actually had some interesting things to say."

Xander started to grow serious as he realized what his roommate might
have done. "Did he."

"Yeah," Willow paused. "He’s worried about you Xand. And after what he
told me, so am I.  Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t sit in here all the
time brooding. I’m not worth it. You gotta get over it, you have to
start getting out and meeting new people."

Xander shook his head. "No."

"No what?" Willow asked him.

"No everything!" Xander erupted. "I don’t want to get out, I don’t want
to meet new people! I-I just want to love you. That’s the only thing
that feels right." His voice had lowered considerable by the time he
uttered the last sentence.

"Don’t do that Xander," Willow’s voice was trembling. "It won’t work.
Listen to me. I know that you probably think you’re in love with me, you
believe that, but as your best friend for more then fifteen years, I
know you, better then you do."

"Willow, please." Xander stopped her.

But Willow continued. "Do you remember with Buffy? How long you pined
for her, and then when she said no, how hard you took it? Or how upset
you were when Cordelia broke up with you? It’s the same thing Xander,
it’s not love."

Xander stood up and walked over to Willow very slowly. His eyes were red
and bright, but his voice was like steel. "You can tell me that you
don’t love me back, Willow Rosenberg, you can tell me that you don’t
want to have a relationship like that, but don’t you DARE tell me that I
don’t love you. You think this is the same thing that I felt with Buffy
and Cordelia? Don’t you think I would know if it was? I’ve experienced
it enough times to know. Those petty little . . . infatuations. They’re
nothing compared to this."

"How Xander?" Willow’s eyes pleaded. "Why is it so different this time?"

"This, this is," Xander’s voice started to break. "Willow, I didn’t
realize what love was. I didn’t realize that it was how I could always
count on you, how I could always turn to you to comfort me. How I could
always tell you what I could never tell anyone else because you were the
only one I completely trusted.  That it was how I admired you and all
the amazing things that you could do. How we talked for hours on the
phone about nothing and everything. I was a stupid hormone raged teenage
boy Willow, and I didn’t realize how deep my love for you was, just
because it was always there, it didn’t give me the churning feeling in
my stomach like my other crushes did, just because I was always so
comfortable with you. I couldn’t possible understand then that that was
what love was. But that day, when the guys finally told me, I came
racing into the woods after you, and when I finally saw you, sleeping
there like angel, it was like right then, I realized what it was. What
love was."

‘So much we have dreamed. And you were so much younger hard to explain
that we are stronger’

Silence fell over the room as Xander finished. Willow stared at him,
wide-eyed. They stayed like that for what seemed like forever, just
staring at each other, waiting for reactions. Finally, Willow’s eyes
filled with tears as her final words came out. "I have to go, I’ll miss
my plane." And with that she brushed past Xander and grabbed her bag,
then fled from the room.

Xander stood there, frozen, for a long time. As he slowly turned around
and looked at the place where Willow had just left, only one thought
registered in his mind. ‘I’ve lost her again.’
And with that one thought he let out a single choked sob, then collapsed
on his bed.
* * *

Xander rolled over on his bed and checked the clock on the shelf. 8:42.
It had been almost two hours since Willow left. He hadn’t moved from his
position on the bed, not having the energy physically and emotionally to
do anything or go anywhere. Realizing he had to get up sometime, he got
up from his bed and moved to his desk. The picture frame stood there
same as before, the photo rubbing salt in his open wound. He picked it
up and started to speak quietly, not even to himself, but to the love he
knew he would never get to have. "Oh Willow, I don’t know how to explain
it to you. How can I make you believe what I feel? How can I show you
that it’s you, it’s always been only you."

"You already did." A soft voice came from behind him.

Slowly, knowing that if he turned too fast he would wake up from this
dream, Xander turned around to face the woman he loved.

"What- what do you mean?" he asked, trembling. "What happened?"

Willow dropped her bag on the floor and started to speak again. "I got
as far as my terminal. But then, it was like all that you told me
started to kick in. I realized you were right, and how much you meant to
me. I knew that if I didn’t come back now it would be too late." Her
eyes dropped from his and rested on the floor. "Please say it’s not too
late."

‘Don’t be us too shy, for knowing it’s no big surprise that
I will wait for you. I will wait for no one but you.’

Xander swallowed the lump in his throat as best he could, and then
smiled at his best friend. "It’s not too late. It’ll never be too late
for you."

‘A million reasons life to deny. Let’s toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down.'

Willow raised her eyes from the floor quickly, as if she didn’t expect
him to say what she wanted. She stared at him, amazed for a few seconds,
but when Xander opened his arms to her, she didn’t hesitate running and
falling into them. Xander clasped his hands around her and pulled her to
him gently, so there was no space between them. He felt her tears on his
shirt and knew he was having trouble keeping back his own. He kissed the
top of her head softly, and she looked up.

"I’m so sorry." She whispered.

Xander didn’t even bother to reply. He leaned his head down slowly and
brushed his lips against hers, tasting for a moment her salty tears, and
then pulled back. He moved his thumb up to caress her lips, and wiped
away all the tears that were on them. This time as he leaned down,
Willow raised her head to meet him, this kiss more passionate and
hungry, each wanting to make sure this moment was real. Willow allowed
Xander’s tongue to slip into her mouth and smiled into the kiss.  Xander
pulled back and started planting soft kisses on her neck, which gave her
a chance to finally say what was most important in her heart. "Xander I
love you." Her voice was raspy and dry, but rang with sincerity.

He stopped and looked at her, amazed at how he was capable of feeling
this many emotions at once, and loving every second of it. "I love you
too Willow."

He reached down and kissed her again, and both of them knew that
everything was going to be all right.

‘Together share this smile
Each other’s tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Say love, say love, say love, say love’

THE END