He asked me to the dance.

     ME!

     All of my hopes and dreams had come true in that instant. This was
     the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. My first reaction was
     to throw my arms around his neck and yell, "Yes! Of course I'll go
     with you!"

     But I didn't, because the look in his eyes stopped me. I had seen the
     look before, it's familiarity hit me harshly. It was the intense look of
     rejection. She had rejected him. I couldn't believe it. In less than a
     second, I had gone from soaring high in the sky to plummeting back
     down to the earth. Reality hit me.

     So, while my heart ripped into a million pieces and my knees grew
     weak, I fought back my tears and uttered the words I never thought
     would come out of my mouth at a moment like this.

     I told him no.

     I just flat out said it. No.

     He hadn't quite heard me at first. When he asked me to go, it was
     moments after she had told him no, moments after she practically put
     a knife through his heart. I remember his exact words:

     "Hey, I know what we'll do! We can go! Be my date! We'll, we'll have a
     great time! We'll dance, we'll go wild... Whadaya say?"

     It was like he thought I had no feelings. As if I was just his back up
     plan, like an old toy just lying around to play with when the new one
     broke. So, I told him no.

     My words had been, "You think I wanna go to the dance with you and
     watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my
     idea of hijinx? You should know better."

     He stared at me when I said that like a ton of bricks had fallen upon
     him from above. His realization at his worlds left him ashamed. "I
     didn't think," he said, looking away.

     "I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I'll see you on Monday," were my
     last words to him before I walked away from him.

     And he walked away also, mumbling something about country music
     being the music of pain. I knew his pain was intense. I had known him
     my entire life, and when he hurt, I hurt. When he was happy, I was
     happy. And when he was in pain, I was in pain.

     And while I walked away from him, my body ached...my mind
     ached...my soul ached. I longed for a love that was so strong, yet so
     alone. It was my love for him...the love that had been looming inside
     of me for so many years.

     It was a sort of quiet love, one that goes untouched, unstirred. A love
     that was, in it's own way, an everlasting emotion that would always
     burn inside of me. It was a feeling that had become a part of me,
     vowing to never disappear. Destined to be everlasting...destined to
     be alone.

     He and I were best friends. An inseparable pair. Our lives had been so
     simple, so pure. We lived in an in innocent world, filled with naive and
     blindness.

     And when she came along, that world fell apart. It came tumbling
     down around us...crumbling into fragments of a life once so close, yet
     now so far away. And all that was left was for me to pick up the
     remaining pieces and keep them locked away safely in my memory.

     Don't get me wrong---I loved her.......but so did he. From the moment
     his eyes laid upon her, he wanted her. I would listen to him for hours
     while he constantly talked about how wonderful she was. Her eyes.
     Her hair. Her skin. Her voice. Her supreme greatness. He wanted it all.

     He wanted her.

     So I was forced to take a back seat in his life while she rode shotgun.
     Over the course of the year, his infatuation grew to immense
     proportions, taking up his entire heart.

     And I was left in the shadows, wondering if there was any room left
     for me.

     I pondered this constantly, worrying that I was no longer the most
     important thing in his life. I was desperate for his attention, desperate
     for him to notice me, notice *my* supreme greatness. It was as if she
     was a bright star outshining everything in it's path. She outshines
     me.

     She had become my best friend, but little did she know she had
     become my worst enemy. But I would never tell her this, for her heart
     meant to do only good, never bad. She didn't mean to make him fall in
     love with her. It just happened. The extent of her feelings for him had
     never reached farther than a purely platonic friendship. I suppose
     that is why she rejected him. Their friendship meant far too much to
     her to risk losing it.

     Through out all of this, one question still remained, burning in my
     mind. Why can't I be the one he loves?

     I've been there for him through his good times and bad times. I was
     the shoulder he cried on. I have been his support unit. I know him
     better than anyone. Hell, I know him better than he knows himself.

     And then, it happened. She was destined to die one fateful night at
     the end of the school year. I remember when he learned that she was
     in danger. He immediately grew angry, cursing at Giles for letting her
     go. He went from being calm to being freaked out, fearing that she
     would die...fearing that he would lose her forever. And so, he gallantly
     went off to save her, like he was her White Night. He bravely risked
     his life for her. He saved her from death.

     Would he have done the same for me?

     If my life were in danger, would he save me? Would he risk his life for
     me like he did for her? I hope to God that he would. Oh, I pray that he
     would, for I would do it for him. No questions asked. If he was on the
     brink of death, I would give my life for his.

     And now, that the horrible night is over, and she has left for L.A., I sit
     in my bedroom alone, thinking about the past year. How much we
     have all changed! She has taught me to be more assertive...to stick
     up for myself. My self esteem has increased greatly since she entered
     my life, and I'm thankful that she is here. If she weren't, I'd be
     dead...and so would everyone else in this damned town. So I guess
     that she has done more good for me than bad. Sure, he loves her, but
     my consolation is that she doesn't love him.

     Yes, my feelings have been out of jealousy of her, and the thought of
     Xander loving her make my skin crawl. But maybe now that Buffy is
     going to be gone all summer I can get over those feelings. And
     maybe, just maybe, Xander can get over his feelings too. Perhaps
     there is hope for him, and for me. I can only pray for it to be true...that
     one day, he steps out of her blinding light, and notices me.

     Hopefully, that day will come soon.