Anything between
parenthesizes are the thoughts of ME, the author.
Once upon a time,
there was a bad vampire named Angelus. Well he used to
be a good vampire
but Buffy ruined that by acting like a Mega-Slut (BUY
THE MEGA-SLUT BUFFY
ACTION FIGURE! JUST 99.95! CRY,
SCREAM AND WHINE
TO YOUR PARENTS TO BUY YOU
MEGA-SLUT BUFFY
TODAY!) So because of Buffy's...naughtiness,
Angel lost his soul
and became Angelus (Thus causing thousands of fan fics
to be written where
the Slayer Gang restores Angel's soul to him.)
Angelus wanted revenge
on Buffy. (Because during the time they were a
couple, he was a
whiny twit.) So he decided to torture and kill off all of her
friends. The first
to go was Jenny Calendar, the gypsy/technopagan/teacher.
(But if you think
about it, that was a stupid idea. Buffy was pissed at her and
didn't really care
if the bitch died or not.) Then he did a bunch a sick stuff like
gutting Willow's
tropical fish. (He should have just sent flowers.)
So finally after
a long time, Angelus decided to do something really nasty
(instead of this
psychological torture crap). One night he was taking a walk in
the graveyard (which
is basically the high point in any vampire's social life).
And there he bumped
into Willow. She was alone and taking a shortcut to
her house (OK, yes
I know that that is totally improbable but ALOT of
serious fan fic
writers seem to write her into even stupider situations than this
one).
Of course when Willow
saw Angelus, she turned into a babbling idiot. That's
when he decided
to turn Willow into a vampire. He thought that Buffy would
have mucho angst
over have to slay her best friend. So he did the entire
blood-sharing thing
and dropped the unconscious Willow to the ground.
Finally Willow (THE
NEW AND IMPROVED VAMPIRE WILLOW!
ACTION FIGURE SOON
COMING SOON!) woke up and stood up.
Her first sadistic
(yet totally kickass!) act, as a vampire, was to kick Angelus
right in the happy
sacks (you go girl!). And down Angelus went. After
kicking him in the
head a few times (the one on his shoulders!), Willow
growled at him,
"YOU HAD TO CONVERT ME WHEN I'M ON THE
RAG!?! Now where's
the secret hideout, Angie-Poo! (her new nickname for
him)".
Like the whipped
(huh, huh she said whipped) puppy that he was, Angelus
led her to their
new hideout. When they met up with Spike and Drusilla,
Drusilla naturally
started to cry cuz she was worried that someone with a
personality would
mess up the screwed-up love triangle/menage a trois thing
she had going on
with both Angelus and Spike.
Willow got pissed
at Drusilla's whininess and took a sledge hammer to Miss
Edith's porcelain
head (no, more tea parties for you, Miss Edith!). Which
caused Drusilla
to have a total mental breakdown (and the villagers rejoiced).
Her brain turned
to pudding (tapioca, no chocolate pudding was abused or
wasted during the
writing of this fan fic) and leaked out of her ears.
Now that Drusilla
was in La-La (not related to the Teletubby) Land, Spike
finally started
to cheer. "Why are you so happy?" Willow demanded.
"I'm finally free
from that bloody psychotic bitch," Spike said as he jumped
out of the wheelchair.
He then punched Angelus in the stomach, causing
Angelus to fall
to the floor in even more pain. "Ever since Darla died there
haven't been any
interesting vamp girls on this show. I've been waiting for a
bitch like you to
enter my life. I love you, Willow."
Willow finally gained
a bit of sanity, "DAMN! You're right! I love you too.
Besides you're the
only interesting hunky guy in this series. Let's face it!
When Angelus became
evil, he was just a bad clone of you. Besides he
doesn't have that
schnazzy (I ALWAYS wanted to use that word in a fic!)
accent you do."
So now the vampires-in-love
chained Angelus to the wall and played a five
hour game of tongue-hockey
(Willow won, 87-86). After that, they got a bit
bored. So they made
Angelus dance around in nothing but his leather pants,
to the tune of,
"I'm Too Sexy."
Finally (after a
few hours of laughing) it was nighttime again. And they
decided to go out
and have some more fun. Willow suggested they stop at
Giles' place. Once
they got there, they discovered why Giles was called the
Ripper (he went
through at least one pair of pantyhose a night). Yes, Rupert
Giles was an in-closet
transvestite. He had picked up the habit from his old
friend, Ethan (where
did you think Ethan got that dress that Buffy wore in the
Halloween special?).
Spike pulled out a camera (they had it with them
because they were
taking pictures of Angel's little "performance"). He took
pictures of Giles
(doing the "Time Warp") in some lime-green negligee
(surprise, surprise,
it wasn't tweed!). They sent the film to the developers,
planning to send
the pictures out to every major newspaper as soon as they
were developed.
They then bumped
into Cordelia who was totally shocked that Willow was a
vampire (and a bigger
bitch than she was). Willow let Spike take care of this
one. So he killed
her and changed her clothing from her slut-bunny outfit to a
dowdy Catholic school
uniform. (Like any guy, Spike had to cop a cheap
feel off Cordy's
dead body. But Willow smacked him and promised him that
later on, she'd
hurt him for that. Which caused them both to get a happy and
big smiles on their
faces.)
They went to Xander's
house which was quite easily found because of the
country music emanating
from it. Xander was angsting because Cordelia was
being a bitch (not
anymore!). Being vamps they couldn't barge in, but Willow
had a wicked idea.
She went to a pay phone and called up Larry. With a
perfect imitation
of Xander, Willow told Larry that Xander was madly in love
with him and wanted
him badly. She then told Larry to go straight over to
Xander's house and
be persistent even if Xander was unwilling because
Xander was just
being shy.
A minute later, Larry
arrived at Xander's house and went inside. Willow and
Spike climbed up
and watched Xander's room through a window. For some
strange (and perverted)
reason, Xander didn't put up much of a fight and he
quickly let Larry
rock his world (EEEEEUUUUUWWWWW!!!!! And that's
as close to Slash
fan fic that I'm planning to get).
Spike had brought
along some popcorn, which was soaked in Cordy's blood
(less fattening
and lass chemicals than movie theater butter). And they made
comments (such as:
Spike-"Ooo! We've got to try that one later, love!",
Willow-"Wasn't that
in the Kama Sutra?") and enjoyed their popcorn.
But soon the sky
began to lighten (how convenient!), so they ran for the
hideout and barely
made it (just in the nick of time!) before they both go
barbecued (anyone
for vampire dogs!?!). So they spent the day planning
how to torture Buffy
and the rest of the reoccurring characters of the series.
End of Part One