Daria: Now, how did you manage to do so well? I mean, we ended up with more money than we started with. Significantly more.
Jane: I paid a visit to the toy store where she got the money.
(Daria turns to look at Jane.)
Daria: Securities fraud, profiteering, and counterfeiting all in one day. Not bad...
Jane: For once, school teaches us skills applicable to the real world.
Submitted by rancour - Daria: Where's an ivory tower when you need one?
Escape from Lawndale
Helen: Daria? How do I program the VCR? We have this weekend retreat, but your father doesn't want to miss the playoffs...
Daria: Let's see ... First, you usually spend half an hour searching for the remote, which is probably stuck in the cushions in the couch. Then, you stare at the remote, pressing random buttons and complaining about why no one can make a decent VCR that doesn't require a PhD to program the damn thing. By then, either Dad or Quinn need something done, so you offer me a twenty to do it for you.
Submitted by rancour - "Daria's actually pretty lucky, here... for the longest time, I was the only one in my house who could program the VCR. Even though there were instructions printed ON THE FRONT OF IT."
Marjory Aldora
2007: A Daria Odyssey
Daria's Voice: We are the
government's best-kept secret. Our mission: to protect the earth from the scum
of the universe while maintaining a purely platonic relationship.
Submitted by Rancour
Emily B
Daria Stalkings: Online
Jane: Let's see, who
else is horny, immature, brain-damaged and willing to commit a serious crime for
their own amusement?
Jodie: About 75% of males ages twelve to
twenty five. Let's make a list, this could take a while.
Submitted by
Rancour ("I'm part of the other 25%, honestly...")
Bambi
Doorbells
Sandi: Quinn's cousin?
Daria: No, an alien from Mars. If this is the best of your
species, I'm going home.
Submitted by
CMJJ
Trent: So I guess we are rebels.
Jane:
Hey man, get a cause.
Trent: Get a life.
Jane:
Stay awake for life.
Submitted by CMJJ
John Berry
The Education of Dumber-Than-A-Tree
JANE: [Pointing]
Look! Nothing in particular!
KEVIN: [Turning] Where?!
[Daria and
Jane dart in the opposite direction. Kevin turns back around to find them gone.]
Submitted by Martin J Pollard (who has used Jane's line to good
effect)
DARIA: No sleep. All night. Kev call.
JANE: Kev
call?
DARIA: All night.
JANE: All right. *Why* was he calling?
DARIA: Neuter... tutor, I mean... forget... too tired...
JANE:
Um, I hope English won't be the first lesson... Why didn't you just unplug the
phone?
[Daria just stands there.]
JANE: Daria?
DARIA: I
go kill me now.
Submitted by Rancour
She Was All
That
STACY: Rowe.
SANDI: Rowe?
STACY: Rowe.
TIFFANY: (Perking Up) Your boat.
Submitted by Pat
Leland
Behind the Glasses III (Compiled by
Canadibrit)
"...Kevin Thompson for 'All Athlete and Nothing
But'," droned Ms. Li.
Kevin held up his arms and ran down the aisle.
"Alriiiiiiiiight!"
"Shall I remind you, Mr. Thompson," said the
principal. "That this is an award-"
"Alriiiiiiiiiight!"
"-For no
excellence whatsoever in the bounds of education."
"...
Alriiiiiiiiiight!"
Submitted by Jill
Palmer
Lover's Lane
DARIA: Sooo... you hate
her like you hate, say, a loose hair in your face that you can't seem to grab,
or more like you hate Hitler?
EVAN: Well, where are you?
DARIA:
Somewhere around the middle, I guess.
EVAN: Like a telemarketer?
Submitted by Rancour
LI: Oh ho ho ! Now seriously, Ms.
Lane. How can one own a well-doing business without making money?
JANE:
You ever heard of Amazon.com?
Submitted by
Rancour
[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[D&J
walking.]
JANE: You owe me.
DARIA: What?
JANE: ...Never
mind.
DARIA: Good; I have enough problems as it is.
JANE: No, no,
my friend. *I* have the problems.
DARIA: You *are* a
problem.
Submitted by NomadX
JANE: I shouldn't torture
you just because it's fun. And believe me, I *would* only torture people I
*hate*, but they'd hit me.
Submitted by NomadX ("Also true.")
Mathieu Bouville
Daria Against the Raccoons
Daria: Relax,
Brittany, you're a cheerleader, you aren't descended from the apes... but
they'll show up any minute now.
Submitted by Rancour
Brother Grimace
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow
"This is getting
annoying," Daria said, stepping through the color pool behind the man. "Lawndale
High. Does all of my life have to revolve around this snakepit?"
"You're a
seventeen year-old Caucasian female with an IQ over 150, no drug habit, a
measure of common sense and your virginity intact," the man replied. "Cynic or
sell-out, high school is your mother world."
Submitted by Canadibrit
(ah, what the hell, he scratches MY back...)
Steve Brown
Upid-Stay
<<Daria: I'm laughing on the inside,
Jane.>>
<<Jane: That's got to
hurt.>>
<<Daria: You have no
idea.>>
Submitted by rancour
Canadibrit
A Meeting of the Brains
(She does. The two sit side
by side in front of Ms Li's desk, looking sidelong at each other with identical
expressions of deadpan assessment and masked curiosity. In this shot, the
similarities are unmistakable.)
Daria & Lynn: (in
unison, thought VO) Excuse me?
Submitted by Dr Mike ("Like I'm not
going to quote this one...")
Trick or
Trent
Jane: (impatient) So you're
coming?
Daria: 'Portrait of an American
Family'?
Lynn: (bored) I don't think I'm in the mood to
perpetuate the "I am a cynical, depressed freak therefore I listen to Marilyn
Manson" stereotype today. I swear, if I ever go postal, I'll do it dressed skin
out in Tommy Hillfiger with the Spice Girls in my Walkman. (beat. to
Jane) Sure. It's either that or watch Mom eat trick-or-treaters.
(beat) You think I'm kidding.
Submitted by Austin
Loomis
Swear To Be Different
Lynn:
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE
INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP, HELP; I'M BEING REPRESSED!
(The two then
move out of sight and earshot.)
Jane: What the hell was
that?
Daria: Monty Python. Quest for the Holy Grail. Dennis the
anarcho-syndicalist peasant.
Jane: (looks a bit confused)
Do we really want to know?
Daria: Well, you asked how he reacted
to her paper...
Submitted by Dr Mike
Lady and
the Tank
Lynn: Damn. When was the last time you maintained
this thing?
Max: Hey, the Tank is indestructible!
Lynn: And yet twice now it's stranded unwary travellers on the
road to nowhere. Funny, that.
Submitted by Dr
Mike
And Then There Were Four
AP: (to Daria) So your room really is...
Daria: Padded.
AP: (to Jane) And your family really is...
Jane: Scattered to the four winds. Except for my brother the narcoleptic.
AP: And your principal...
Daria: To use Lynn's phrase, The Nazi Jackboot.
AP: Wow. (evil grin) This is gonna be FUN!
Submitted by Jill Palmer
AP: (evil grin) All hail to Narcissa!
Quinn: (distracted) I'm sorry, but you can't flirt your way out of this.
(The gang share a look as, once again, Quinn misses the point)
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Love Him or Leave Him
Daria:
(a bit surprised) You're entering the padded room voluntarily. The end
must be nigh.
Quinn: (resigned) I need your advice.
Daria: (listless attempt at sarcasm) And that's the sound
a squadron of pigs makes as it flies formation over Lawndale.
Submitted by Austin Loomis
Daria: Ever consider
the unparalleled satisfaction of telling the little backstabber to go to hell?
Quinn: I've TRIED! I open my mouth, but what comes out is "Let's
go shopping!"
Submitted by Austin Loomis
Stacy:
I'm going to ... to ... join cheerleading or ... or Glee Club! (stands up
quickly, knocking her chair over, and runs away, shouting with happiness.)
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!
Submitted by Rancour
AP: But I brought flowers!
(beat) Okay, so I brought a blow-up palm tree, but it was the best I
could DO on short notice!
Submitted by Ben
Yee
World Geek Show
Lynn: We must
not mock. Coming up with worst case scenarios usually results in some sadistic
deity saying "You thought THAT was bad? Try THIS one".
Submitted by
NomadX ("This is true.")
The Flack-Jacket Mafia
(The Flack-Jackets walk off into the sunset.)
Daria: God, I wish I had prescription sunglasses.
Lynn: No kidding.
Submitted by Brother Grimace (as a
"classic 'blast from the past'")
Many are Culled
Daria: Morgendorffer. (beat) Illiteracy is a sad thing in
schools ...especially when it's seen in the faculty.
Mercedes
Bends
Quinn: God, even when Daria's doing something
NORMAL she's got to be weird!
Submitted by Jill
Palmer
The Parent Crap
Lynn:
(suspiciously calm) Currently indisposed. Please hold. (beat;
yelling) CRAPCRAPCRAP! (punches locker next to hers. Deep breath. Calm
again) Better. May I help you?
Submitted by
Rancour
How the Other Half Lives
Quinn: Oh, my GOD, you mean unpopular people put OUT?
Submitted by Dr Mike - "heh heh"
The Blind
Leading The Blunt
Daria: My mind is as wide as a
forty-acre field. That doesn't mean I'm going to change it.
Submitted
by Jill Palmer
Gym Dandy
(Scene: LHS
gym. Lynn is facing off against Kevin. Morris stands between them, holding up a
basketball.)
Kevin: Don't worry, Lynn! I'll go easy on you!
(Lynn scowls at him. Morris throws the ball into the air between
them; Lynn jumps, hammering a foot down on Kevin's knee as if using it as a step
up as she smacks the ball back towards her own team. Kevin yelps and collapses.
Morris blows the whistle.)
Morris: (surprised) CULLEN!
Foul! (beat) IMPRESSIVE foul.
Submitted by
Mindy
Jane: Not 'into', exactly. 'Capable of doing', yes,
but the whole team thing never appealed to me. It's like the army without three
square meals and bunk inspection.
Submitted by
NomadX
Tour of Duty
Helen: QUINN! What
happened to your face?
Jake: I'm gonna KILL the bastard that...
Quinn: Dad... somebody already did. I'm going up to my room - I'm
tired. Good night.
Submitted by Brother
Grimace
Daria: It's clutter, Lynn, but not as we know it.
Submitted by Jill Friedman, the Leopard
Lady
Lynn: (casual) It's not even so much the
getting out of this white-collar-nimrod factory. I'm just looking forward to
piling my shredded notes and gym clothes into the bottom of my locker, dousing
the lot with lighter fluid and tossing a match ... without having to worry about
being expelled. (to Daria's look) You think I'm kidding.
Daria: No, I HOPE you're kidding. (when she sees that Lynn
isn't) You think it'll be that satisfying?
Lynn: Imagine, if
you will, the smell of burning paper and cloth. The crinkle-crinkle sound of
paint being blistered by the heat. The warmth and light of the flickering flames
fuelled by the symbols and results of efforts you never wanted to make. Knowing
that, after four years in the stocks, you are now as free as ashes on the wind.
(Short pause as Daria and Lynn both peer into Lynn's locker.)
Daria: Synchronised arson?
Lynn: Talk to me about
it next year.
Submited by Rancour - foremost patron of the
Quotefest
(AP thinks a moment... then steps over to the
kitchen door, opens it and pokes his head in.)
AP:
(OS) Wow, never seen an industrial kitchen before... (steps into the
kitchen) Ooh ... what does THIS... (crash and clatter) Soooorry...
(Daria and Jane look at each other.)
Jane:
Somebody's been watching too much Dexter's Lab.
Submitted by Jill
Palmer
Daria: (casual 'just letting you know' tone)
When we get to ... wherever it is we're going, I'm going to tie you down, take
out Lynn's torture manual, and start prying out either the information I require
or your spleen, whichever is easier.
Submitted by
Rancour
Quinn: (OS; indignant) OOOH! The next
person who calls me Narcissa is going to get a ... a ...
Lynn:
(OS; audible smirk) The Furnunculus charm ... Mrs Malfoy?
Quinn: (OS; even more indignant) OOOOOH!
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Tom: Speaking of guns,
what's that at your hip?
Leopard: The Love Gun.
Tom: The WHAT?
Leopard: The Love Gun. Combination
firearm/vibrator.
Tom: Must take care of the problem of oiling
it. (beat, blush) Ican'ttbelieveIjustsaidthat.
Lynn:
(professional interest) How do you shoot straight with that thing?
Leopard: Experience. Practice. (sly grin) Intimate familiarity.
Submitted by Jill Friedman, the Leopard Lady (and can you blame
her?)
Jerome: We don't run from disclipline, my lad.
Submitted by Brother Grimace (who has referred to it as his quote of
the year *shrug*)
Fifth Wheel
Jane:
(groggy) Meef.
AP: Meef. (beat) Hmmmky?
Jane: Yrrrthn. (beat) Yrrrmky?
AP:
(shrug) Dnnsk.
Submitted by Rancour (who's the first to
consider incoherent morning Grog-speak as a
'quote'...)
Banded for Life
Lynn:
...I think I know what you need to say. Repeat after me. I...
Stacy: I...
Lynn: Am still...
Stacy: Am still...
Lynn: A doormat.
Stacy: A door...HEY!
Submitted by Robert Nowall
("Well, *I* laughed out loud when I read it.")
Display
Model
Quinn: (begin rant) How can they get FIVE SEASONS
out of some wannabe-popular, wannabe-sarcastic, isn't-really-EITHER
ex-cheerleader kicking the butts of the WIMPIEST bunch of goons this side of the
MISSISSIPPI? UGH!
Ted: (puzzled) I thought you liked that
show.
Quinn: (sigh; morose) I did. Then I realised how fake
the fight scenes were and the dream was gone.
Ted: So your willing
suspension of disbelief was disrupted by a flaw in the detail work, thus robbing
it of its meaning and any merit it might have had. A truly Stanislavskian
construction, then, unable to survive dissection.
Quinn:
(information overload) If you say so...
Ted:
(smiling) Quinn, you never cease to surprise me. There are so many facets
to you!
Submitted by rancour ("that nice Mr Yee person"? Whoever said
he was nice, rancour?)
Kiss and
Makeup
(A few more kids gather around Stacy and Quinn; Daria
and Jane are joined by Lynn and AP, who survey the scene and exchange a
look.)
AP: Ooh. Popularity Deathmatch?
Lynn:
What have I told you about watching MTV?
AP: (shamefaced)
Sorry.
Submitted by rancour
Daria: (slight
smirk) That's the Cullen we know and look askance at.
Submitted by
rancour - "Good to have you back, CB."
Process of
Elimination
Jane: Anyway! You fed him JOLT COLA? You've
SEEN his reaction to your coffee!
Lynn: Yes, I know, I know, I
know. Fact is, he turned up at my front doorstep this morning trying to be
*poing*y. And you KNOW what he's like in the morning.
Daria: How
many times did you have to pick him up off his face?
Lynn: Three.
And you don't want to know what *poing* sounds like in Grog.
submitted
by rancour - "Yes I do. It'd make a good quote. ;o)"
Daria:
You mean to tell me that AP's going to be wandering around NASA Space Centre
with people who like him?
Jane: Worse. He's going to be wandering around NASA Space Centre with people LIKE him.
(Silence.)
Daria: Houston, we have a
problem.
Submitted by rancour
Mara: Jeez. Three
scars on a guy's back and he never speaks to you again.
AP: I'd
say I wonder about you, Nympho-Goth, but I don't, and that's the
problem.
Submitted by rancour
Tour Guide: ... We're
walking, we're *thump* Oh, young man, are you all right?
AP:
(muffled) Note to self - sillywalk only works for Purple Peril.
Submitted by Ben Yee, who swears blind that's my line so he can submit
it if he likes...
Behind The Glasses 1 (Compiled by John
Berry)
LYNN: [O.S.] You [bleep] off too! We're going to do a
three-in-a-bed lezzer sex orgy for those people who STILL think Daria and Jane
are GAY!
Submitted by Dr Mike
I Am (not)
Daria
"My glee is being kept strait-jacketed and heavily sedated
so it is not a danger to itself or to others."
Submitted by
Rancour
"It's all red."
"I like red. And besides, it's
not *all* red."
"It's all red and black, then. You dress like a
checkerboard, Jane."
Submitted by Jill Palmer
All the
earthquakes happen in Los Angeles where no one appreciates them.
Submitted by Rancour
Clive
Turntables
Jane: It's my brother, Daria. I never
actually wanted you to go out with him. I just enjoyed exploiting the one
weakness I could find.
Daria: And now?
Jane: Aside
from the ew, ew, ew and the whole Tom complication...
Daria:
Yeah?
Jane: [shudders] Ew
Submitted by
rancour
Crazy Nutso
Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's Anti-Teen!
(The car
is at a drawbridge, and the bridge is going up. Daria guns the car past the gate
and over the edge. The car flies across, but suddenly the bridge is gone. The
car is flying through midair with Chicago in the background. As it reaches the
top of its climb, Daria and Jane look at each other.)
Jane:
I've always loved you.
Daria: This is no time for jokes!
Submitted by Dr Mike
Welcome Back Daria
Daria: C'mon, let's have some muffins. Damn, now they've got me
doing it!
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Love is in
the Air (Pass the Air Freshener)
Daria: Ok, first things
first. We need designated drivers. I volunteer to be one, but who wants to be
the other?
Jodie: I'll do it. Babysitting drunks is not unlike
being in student council.
Submitted by
traP
Crazy: Now is killing Diane really going to make you
feel better?
CB: Duh.
Crazy: OK, stupid question.
But do you really want to go to jail?
CB: I can handle jail.
Besides, they might just deport me back to London.
Crazy: Yes,
and you'd be forced to go back to your old job, (Beat) as a secretary.
Submitted by traP
Tom: Look. Jerome and I were
just friends. I'm not gay.
Lyman: Ok. You're not.
Tom: That's right.
Lyman: Fine
Tom:
Good.
Suddenly, Tom and Lyman are kissing. It lasts a moment, then they
break apart.
Tom: DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
Lyman: Yeah, I liked it too.
Tom: ARGH!
Submitted by traP
Behind the Glasses III
(Compiled by Canadibrit)
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted 'The new kid'
DeWitt-Clinton. In true fan fiction cliché fashion, I shall now ask for gum. Ok,
now that that is over with, let's look at this fine clip of Jane and Daria
imitating a scene from one of my favourite video games, Car Carnage II
(beat) So how was that?
Canadibrit: That was fine. And
thanks for the bushel of corn.
Ted: Hey, you fixed me up with
Quinn. What more could I ask for?
Submitted by Jill
Palmer
Jane: It's really weird seeing a girl who looks
just like you. You can't imagine what it's like Daria, having a look-a-like like
that...
(Suddenly Lynn Cullen pops up from the back seat)
Lynn: Oh, yes she does!
Jane: GAH! Lynn! What are
you doing here? We weren't expecting you...
Lynn: NOBODY expects
the Spanish Inquisition!
Daria: Jane, why do you set her up like
that?
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Jeff Cuscutis
Quinn the Vampire Slayer
McGrundys Brew Pub is a bar
filled by trendy thirty- and forty-somethings, paying way too much for
micro-brewery beer and showing they're still cool by listening to groundbreaking
local bands like Mystik Spiral.
Submitted by
rancour
Don-O
Everything You Know Is Wrong!
JANE: Sorry, my screaming
caffeine pal. MY sources tells me that those poor suckers were originally on a
beer run to Mars but had the bad luck to collide with the comet and BEAVIS'
butt. The ones that are coming are insurance investigators.
DARIA:
(looks at JANE, to herself) That's it! Now it's turning into a X-Files fan
fiction. I'm out of here.
Submitted by Rancour
Dr Belch
The Plot in a Nutshell
QUINN: He--he--he sent me this!
No guy has ever dumped me before! What am I going to do, Daria? What am I going
to do?
DARIA: For starters, cry on your own damn shirtfront.
QUINN: Are you kidding? This shirt cost me fifteen bucks at Cashman's!
Submitted by Rancour
Dr Mike
Daria Gets A Pet
The Morgendorffer's Kitchen a short time later. The view is on the
doorway. Daria's stumbles thru as the shot pulls back. She stops with a bit of
surprise as we see Jane sitting at the table pouring coffee for Cartman who is
sitting on the kitchen table holding a coffee cup. The table is littered with
used coffee cups, spoons, the sugar bowl that is knocked over, and there's a
pool of milk or cream near the pitcher. She then refills her cup and they both
take long drinks from their mugs in unison. After a second, they lower their now
empty mugs down and both let out happy little sighs.
Jane:
(to Cartman) So, was it good for you?
Cartman lets out a happy
little purr.
(Submitted by Canadibrit - "Well, that's how *I* get
about coffee")
An Early Morning
Reading
Lynn: The Lord of the Manor....And a good morning
to you, Mr. Get 10% of my hard earned money and I get little in return. How are
you this morning?...Standing outside the soundstage once again....Yes, it's
locked up tight again...Look, you're my agent, right? You've got to find me
another fanfic writer to work with....Because of her, that's why....We've gone
over this before. She had me sleep with Trent, that's why. You've seen all the
hate mail from those damn shippers who hate me now. Plus I'm having to go back
and rewrite all of her scripts....Why? Because she ain't going to do it plus my
writing is a lot better then hers....And what about my contract talks?...What do
you mean you can't get equal billing for me? They've got my picture up there on
the splash screen but they cant add my name to the show title? And what about my
own dressing room? I'm getting tired of stepping over all those damn art
supplies. I would think someone more important than a sidekick should get her
own dressing room....Fine, you'll work on it. I've heard that before. See what
you can do about it . (Lynn snaps her phone closed. Trent stares down at his
coffee. Daria and Jane inspect their boots. No one is looking at Lynn.) Um,
so how are the contract talks going with you?
(Submitted by Canadibrit
- "Well, that about sums it up...")<
The Jungle, part
1
A young, blond woman approaches the group from under the
plane where she has been talking with the crew about loading the plane. She is
wearing a brown leather bomber jacket with tons of patches on it, tight beige
slacks, a flight captain's hat and heavy, leather boots. She snaps her gum
waiting to be introduced. Lynn looks up all of the sudden with a slight look of
horror.
Lynn: (Recognizing the blond.) Oh, you have to
be kidding me.
Daria: Huh?
Lynn: You remember at the
table read Dr Mike was going on and on about the one joke he's wanted to use for
months now.
Jane: (Thinking.) Yea. He said something about
wanting to use it since he started writing these fanfic
pieces.
AP: You don't mean?...
Lynn: This must be
it.
The blond comes up to the group with a hand out.
The
Blond: Hi, I'm Mary Sue...
Daria: (Shaking her hand.)
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Mary Sue: (Big grin on her face as
she moves to shake Lynn's hand.) And, boy, am I a character.
The
four stand there for a second letting this sink in, look at each other and then
shrug.
Submitted by Cup 'O Cats
Rey Fox
Keeping Up With the Benjamins
SPACE GHOST: Do you have
any more of those...whatdyacallem...buzzwords?
JANE: How 'bout "Bingo"?
SPACE GHOST: The dog?
JANE: No, "Bingo," the all-purpose slang
word.
SPACE GHOST: Hmmm. Bingo. Bingo! Say, this is really bingo!
DARIA: (To Jane.) You're evil.
Submitted by Kemical
Reaxion
#10 Dream
(Pan across to Kevin in
the passenger seat.)
CAPTION: "I get knocked down!
CAPTION: "But I get up
again!"
CAPTION: "If you're ever gonna keep me down!"
CAPTION: "No wait,
shouldn't it be never keep me down?"
CAPTION: "If you're
never..."
CAPTION: "No, just 'you're
never'...ever...uh...hmmm..."
Submitted by Rancour
Choice of a Skewed Generation
QUINN: (All in
one breath) You know, that's only the regular kind, we don't drink that, you
know, because it's got too much sugar. The diet kind comes in a white can, and
it's got that FauxSweet stuff that causes cancer in laboratory rats, which is
good, 'cause they're like pests, and they're totally uncute, and we got too many
of them anyway, so like, we're doing our part for the
envire-nament!
Submitted by rancour - "Quinn Morgendorffer - future
Greenpeace spokesperson..."
Jill Friedman
Chelsea Hotel
Trent: (laugh/cough, he puts
the acoustic down carefully) Good one, Janey. That's a good idea, though.
You make the arrangements; I'll post the money.
Jane: Since when
do you have money?
Trent: (shrugging) I don't...I
just wanted to see what that sounded like.
Submitted by
traP
Daria: Wake up, guys. We're approaching New York, New
York.
Jane: Unghh....whuh?
Daria: New York. Land
ho.
Jane: Who're you callin' a ho?
Daria: (turns
to her right) Quinn, wake up!
Submitted by
traP
Trent: (between mouthfuls of eggs) Jane didn't
tell me she wanted to see Rocky Horror here.
Daria: I can't
believe she has me in a position to drag me back there.
Trent: Oh
come on, Daria, it's not that bad. The worst part's over.
Daria:
How so?
Trent: You're not a virgin anymore, they can't taunt you
again.
(The couple behind them does a spit take at that comment.)
Submitted by traP
Big Mike: Come on, sweetie,
we don't bite. Hard. Nate! Bring her over! (the heavyset man takes Quinn by
the arm and drags her down to Big Mike.) Ok, Quinn, give us your loudest,
heaviest, hottest orgasm. We want 'em red in the face and wet in the seat.
Quinn: Oh god. Daria, I'll kill you.
Big Mike:
That's not an orgasm, come on, honey, let's hear it. (he shoves the
microphone in front of her face.)
Quinn: (with an evil
smirk.) Ok, here's an imitation of my sister (she says the word like it's
bad) having an orgasm. (deadpan.) Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby. (with
feeling) Ohhh...Trent...
(Daria scowls and turns red as a beet.
Jane laughs out loud, and Trent just sinks into his seat. Quinn smirks
triumphantly, knowing the humiliation has been returned.)
Quinn: Oh and Daria? Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
Submitted by traP
Steven Galloway
Revelations William Gasarch The Complete Idiot's Guide To... Glasswing Simplicity Itself Peter Guerin The MSTing of "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"
(with 'friends') The Insomnia Kid Clear and Present Daria J Behind the Glasses III (compiled by Canadibrit)
Kemical Reaxion On Guard Austin Loomis No Nudes is Good Nudes (prose adapt of work by Peter W Guerin)
Corvus Marinus A Change (Would Do You Good) Matt Cynic Wars VI - Return of the Cynicism Medea42 Bait and Switch MeScribble Season of Hope and Blight Thomas Mikkelsen Fixing Dad Erin Mills Daria vs the Lawndale Zombies Mitch Hit Me With Your Best Shot C. Murphy Any Time at All Mystik Slacker Executive Disorder Napalm Krigbaum House of Blues Renfield Kiss Until Lew Richardson Heroes... Geoffrey Roberts Death is the Maiden Ruthless Bunny Spiralling Out of Control SBBED.D Everybody Prom-Inade Daniel Suni A Lousy Deal John Takis A Mother in Spite of Herself Brian Taylor The October Revolushun Um Requiem for a Lightweight Kara Wild Outvoted T. Wilde Invasion of the Gulls WWWMyra Daria Strikes Back Mike Yamiolkoski Outage Ben Yee Perchance to Dream
TOM: I'm going out of town to finish my
vacation.
JANE: (Shows some slight concern:) Oh? Um--anyplace in
particular?
TOM: (After a moment:) I'll probably go and see some of my
relatives in Palmerville.
Submitted by Jill Palmer (This tickles her
because, "If you believe Steven, he didn't even notice the town name till I
pointed it out to him...")
DeMartino:
Excuse me while I go and THROW UP in the MEN'S room.
Kevin: Cool!
Can I watch?
Submitted by CMJJ
Daria swallowed. "I suppose that
jumping up and vowing to soak myself in lye for laying on this bed might be bit
childish. But I think I might do it anyway."
Submitted by Rancour
<"Daria," Luna said, "I will not allow you to
act sarcastically!"
Crow: You will sincerely mean your sarcasm or
bring shame to the country you call Lawndale!
Submitted by rancour
JANE (sarcastic): Wow. Someone
found a soda bottle and a length of hosepipe and it's "1984"?
BRITTANY
(utterly blank): It's about eight forty five.
Jane just stares.
BRITTANY: Anyway, it's even *worse*! Students - well, a student was
*selling* stuff at the *school*! Now we'll have drive by shootings and muggers
and gangs and we won't be able to wear expensive *sneakers*!
Submitted by Rancour
Damien: (upchuck-faced)
Submitted by
Rancour
Relatively True
Kevin:
(offscreen) Hey! Don't talk like that, I'm the QB!
The
Kinsingtons and Mack: (in unison, angry) We know.
Kevin: Oh, well...at least I'm not practicing insects!
Miranda rolls her eyes, then takes the microphone from Darren
Miranda: Oh, I dunno. Don't I always see you lusting after your
girlfriend's stepmom?
Brittany: (offscreen) KEVVY! HOW
COULD YOU?! (slap!)
Submitted by Rancour
Quinn: Whew! That was hard work! I
didnt realize being a live mannequin would be so difficult. But I have to
practice as much as possible before Thursday. I want my mentor to be really
impressed with my technique.
Daria: Practicing to be a dummy in a
store window? Id say it was what you were born to be.
Submitted by
traP
Daria: Oh, and Ill be legally changing my name to
Sierra Nevada, if thats alright with you and Dad.
Jake: (who
hasnt really been paying attention, hears her say Sierra Nevada and Dad, and
joins the conversation) Thats great kiddo. I think thats a super idea! I
hear its beautiful there this time of year!
Submitted by
traP
Cass: (confused) What is it?
Jane: "It" happens to be my best friends annoyingly popular,
self-absorbed sister.
Cass: (squinting, still staring at
Quinn) Just looks like a dummy to me.
Jane: Thats what I
said.
Submitted by traP
The QB Next Door
All my life, Kevin ranted, waving the gun around, Ive had to, like,
prove stuff to people. I had to prove that Im a winner. Prove that I havent been
cheating on my girlfriend. Prove that Im a man. You know what I mean?
Sure, Daria said. I have to prove that Im a man all the time. Tell me
Kevin. Thats not a real gun, is it?
Submitted by traP
Cinderfella
Tom: (VO) Ok, where were we? Ah, yes. The party. All the important people of Lawndale were invited...
Camera cuts to show that the Fashion Club (sans Quinn) is gathered.
Tom: (VO) ...but these losers showed up instead.
Submitted by Jill Palmer - "Sandi: But if we're, like, the unimportant people, which we aren't, who's important, or something?"
"Okay, I give up -- maybe this *is* that kind of a story after all."
Submitted by Canadibrit
Hail Cullen, Well Met
(prose adapt of work by Canadibrit)
"We are gathered here today,
not only to count mittens and read about Spot the dog, but to mourn the passing
of..." Another slight grimace. "Fuzz-Wuzz, the class hamster. Fuzz-Wuzz
was...well, all the things a hamster ought to be, and it's hard to believe that
he has died. And so, to help us come to terms with the loss of this...much-loved
class pet...I would like to give the following as a eulogy."
Most of the
students, and the teacher, looked prepared to be bored out of their skulls. A.P.
was starting to get very confused.
Lynn took a breath and then launched
into her "eulogy," in what A.P. would later learn was a passable imitation of
one John Cleese. "*`Voom'?!?* Mate, this hamster wouldn't `voom' if you put four
million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! 'E's not pinin', 'e's passed
on! This 'amster is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet
'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you 'adn't nailed
'im to the wheel, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are
now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is
mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
*This is an ex-hamster!!*"
For a moment, there was dead silence. Everyone
was staring at her, mostly in shock and horror...except A.P., who was biting his
lip to keep from laughing.
Lynn resumed her normal flat tones. "Ah,
Fuzz-Wuzz, we barely knew ye. Let's have a moment of silence for the class pet."
That was easy enough -- the class mostly looked like they couldn't have talked
even if they'd wanted to. A.P. had both hands clapped over his mouth to keep the
giggles in. "I'll leave the interment to Mrs. Vineberg. May Fuzz-Wuzz rest in
peace."
Submitted by Jill Palmer ("Okay, so it's a whole scene - who
cares? The whole bit's worth a quote if you ask me.")
Jane considered this. "I don't know. You're sarcastic, negative, touchy, mean, and you have a love-hate relationship with Quinn Morgendorffer. I can't see how I could get along with a person like that."
Sandi smiled. "Maybe I should get some glasses. Then I could be just like Daria! I seem to recall that Kevin Thompson was under the impression they can make you smarter."
"Well, you could hardly have a more ringing endorsement than that."
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Quinn: Oh
my God! Daria! My one and only sister is dead! I was so mean to her, I was
ashamed of her, I called her my cousin..and now she's gone forever! (shrugs) Oh
well...
Submitted by CMJJ
Quinn: That's for
messing up my hair, making me cry, and ruining my mascara..... Oh yeah, and
killing my sister and stuff.....
Submitted by
CMJJ
Bennett: Austin! Stop worshipping that droid and stop
making others worship her...
Submitted by CMJJ
Brittany: Yes, and I want to
discuss this with you [sees Jane] in PRIVATE!
Jane: Oh, I'm not
really here. You just think you're seeing me because you always see me with
Daria.
Brittany: [blinks] I do.
Jane: yup. Ask
Daria -- it's a brain thing.
Daria: Um, yeah, she's right.
Everyone is so used to seeing Jane around me that when she's not here, people
think she's here anyway.
Brittany: [twirling hair] But if that's
true, why can YOU hear her?
Daria: Because I'm so used to Jane
being around, I hallucinate her, too.
Submitted by
Rancour
[Jane starts laughing so hard she has to sit down on the
floor].
Brittany: [staring over at Jane]. Do hallucinations
always do that?
Submitted by Rancour
Daria: Oh,
come on Trent, it's just a stupid boyfriend. They're interchangeable, and
according to the Quinn theory of economics, I should be able to trade Tom in for
a sporty little VW bug any day now.
Submitted by Rancour ("Nipping at
the heels of "The Education of Dumber-Than-A-Tree" for the Most Funny Lines In A
Daria Fanfic Award...")
Sew What?
Jake: Quinn says you're not her sister?
Daria: No,
Dad, she keeps insisting I'm her mother and that she was hatched.
Submitted by Rancour ("Well *there's* an interesting way out of the
cliche...")
Girl Uninterrupted (with Thomas)
Daria: I can see how you'd think I was exaggerating. People like
that should only exist in cartoons.
Submitted by Robert Nowall (An
apt statement, when you consider it's about the LHS
teachers...)
Tom: Trent let me in.
Jane: He
actually let you past the front door?
Tom: I think he was
sleep-deprived or something. Didn't seem to know what he was doing. He told me
to set the pizza on the table, and something about starlight and
snapdragons.
Jane: Good news, Daria. Your boyfriend got to keep
his teeth for your big date. Thanks to my brother and his anti-sleep fest.
Submitted by NomadX
Daria: What're you doing
here?
Jane: And more importantly, how did you get
in?
Quinn: Trent let me in. It was strange. He asked if I
remembered the pizza this time.
Jane: That's it. He goes on
amphetamines today.
Submitted by NomadX
Daria:
Uhm, Jane?
Jane: mmm yeah?
Daria: Can I stay here
for a couple more days?
Jane: mmmm yeah
Daria: And
you don't mind the pink elephant in Wind's room?
Jane: that's
fine.
Daria: So your parents will pay for me to go to college,
too?
Jane: Okay
Daria: Let's just skip school today
-
[Jane is suddenly alert]
Trent: (OS)
Woah
Submitted by NomadX
"Jane, do you remember how Mr.
O'Neill said that in Shakespeare's day, punning was considered to be the height
of wit?"
"Yeah," Jane said.
"Well, Shakespeare's been dead for
almost four hundred years."
Submitted by rancour - "No hints being
dropped here, oh no..."
Jake: (excited) Jake
Morgendorffer Consulting is back! (hugs Helen)
Helen: Oh,
Jake.
Quinn: But daaad. What about your ego?
Submitted
by rancour - "I think it's just fine."
Of Farce and
Tragedy
Elsie: Yeah. She and my brother are watching a
program about brain surgery. I think it's their idea of
pornography.
Submitted by rancour
Quinn: Mu-oom.
I'm 17. When will you start treating me like an adult?
Daria: I
agree. Quinn should get a job and pay rent.
Submitted by rancour
DARIA: (one eyebrow
cocked) You do realize that you enjoy yourself with that thing entirely too
much.
JANE: Ooooh yeah. But that's not the half of it. Maurice has an
even greater effect on me than inspiration. (She walks over to Daria and
whispers in her ear. Daria looks shocked for a moment then--)
DARIA:
That's really sick, Jane.
JANE: (shrugs) So, it just means that I don't
need to worry about finding a boyfriend anymore.
Submitted by Brian
Taylor ("Beware of stimulating chainsaws...")
TOM: (He turns to
the crowd of zombies approaching him, guns ready) Okay, folks, who's up for a
rousing game of "Is There A God?"
Submitted by Brian
Taylor
The Daria Chronicles: Goodbye Lawndale
Daria: Mom, I have everything I could possibly need short of a blowtorch and some rusty metal to do sculpture with.
Jake: A BLOWTORCH?! Daria, what in God's name would you need with a BLOWTORCH!
Submitted by Jill Palmer
Quinn: (exasperated sigh) Sandi just couldn't handle studying with my sister around.
Tiffany: Oh yeah, your sister. (Bt) She looks a lot like your cousin you know...
Submitted by Jill Palmer - "higher and higher levels of oblivion are reached daily..."
TV: And in the newest wrinkle in the election coverage, we have just received word that Ronald Reagan has filed for a recount of the 1984 election...
Submitted by Jill Palmer (who notes that this has disappeared from the Quotefest, probably because the salvaged Quotefest predates this fic...)
Sandi: (looking
dejected) But, but, butbutbut...
Daria: Nice motorboat
impersonation.
Submitted by CMJJ
EVAN: (Voice slurring a little) Bond.
James Bond.
DARIA: Lost. Get lost.
Submitted by Rancour
"Yeah," Brittany answered, "and it's
not like they were modern weapons either, or even usable ones."
"What do
you mean?" Daria asked, puzzled; NATO troops didn't always have cutting-edge
weapons, but they were hardly armed with World War II relics.
"Well, I
read a couple of the papers before I took them, and they were talking about
broken arrows. I didn't know soldiers still used bows."
Submitted by
rancour - "Just when you thought she was smart..."
DARIA How many years is assaulting an
officer?
RYAN Less than gun possession.
DARIA Would it be worth
it?
RYAN I love you too much. Let me do it.
Submitted by
rancour
"Look, I can handle the fact that you're
gay."
"Uh-huh", Jane said, raising an eyebrow.
"And I can handle
the fact that you're gay," Daria said, turning to look at Quinn. Quinn
just gave a slight smile in response. Daria turned back to Jane. "But you
are dating my sister. How am I supposed to handle
that?"
Submitted by Dr Mike
DARIA: I assume it is some sort of adhesive,
most likely epoxy resin.
JANE: (Arch.) Fascinating Batman, but
how are you going to open your locker?
DARIA: Hmm. (Looks over to Jane.)
Still got that blowtorch?
JANE: (Digs it out.) Everywhere I go! (It's
one of those that run off a Butane cylinder.)
Submitted by Brian
Taylor
Daria: ... I just wish O'Neill would show some
backbone, his minimalist "Hands off" policy has pretty much assured the school
is boarding the old "rollercoaster to hell" that much more quickly.
(Quinn Morgandorffer, Daria's younger sister, passes by, carried on a
lavish litter by Joey, Jeffy, Jamie and Robert, the thick footballer from "The
New Kid" & "Daria Dance Party". They appear totally happy doing what they do
best, serving Quinn. Quinn pays them no attention, just on a cruise, filing her
nails.)
Jane: (Eyes following the litter.) Uh-huh.
(Beat.) Boarding, not riding, you said?
Daria: I
stand corrected.
Submitted by SabinaRose
Jane:
...So I said, that's not art, this is ART! And whipped out my banana!
Submitted by Brian Taylor (who is about to take the "I will soon be
able to see the colour of my spleen" award from rancour for submissions timed to
irritate CB.)
Mack: (Seriously) Look, as a black
guy, I've had the odd taunt on and off the field. (Shrugs) But for you to go
through all she did to you? (Shakes his head) You're a bigger person that I
am.
Daria: (Gently) No. Simply more
cruel.
Submitted by Rancour
Monique:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sandi Griffin,
"Charles" the blow up doll and the contents of the Griffin
household's vegetable crisper!
Submitted by Canadibrit ("Oh,
come on, this is the most priceless line...")
DARIA: (sarcastic) Yes, she is
very, very dead, Kevin. Oh, and another thing Kevin, half the Lawndale Lions
cheerleading squad is actually guys.
Submitted by
Rancour
Dazed and Misconstrued
DARIA: Yep,
but what should we blow it up with? Dynamite's just so...everyday.
Submitted by Rancour
A Night on the Lame
DARIA: Hi. We're Mystik Spiral - but we're thinking of changing our
name. And this is our self-titled first album, but what the hell, we'll change
its name too.
Submitted by Rancour
JANE:Isn't science
mostly about blowing stuff up?
DARIA: We're still in high school, so
that counts as an outright yes.
Submitted by
Rancour
Lawndale, 2019
TIFFANY: (dying)
Gun... face... makeup... blood... ssssooooo wwrrrronnnngggg.
Submitted by Rancour
Spaced Out
TRENT: (grin) Daria...why are you so shy?
DARIA: Because I'm
already betrothed to a Saudi Arabian sheikh who's very concerned about
infidelity. And has a big curvy sword.
Submitted by Rancour
"If you make me look like some
airhead, bimbo, I will come after you." She wasn't smiling. Let me state for the
record that Daria Morgendorffer is a bright, intelligent young woman, who is
utterly charming and delightful.
Submitted by rancour - "But who
believes what they read in Rolling Stone?
Jane: He has problems
staying awake... (smirk)... but THAT'S going to change. (Pretends to waltz)
Dancing, romancing, (Slight pause) kissing under the moonlight...
Daria: (Flat voice) Digging the grave under the sunlight.
Submitted by CMJJ
Hot Nuts Act II
HELEN: (Sad look on her face) It's a lot more serious than that, I'm
afraid. (To Daria and Quinn) Girls, life hasn't been easy for your father. You
both know how hard his father's been on him, and I feel that he needs to deal
with his problems in a more constructive way, so he's... (Thinks fast and puts
on a 'forced-on' wide smile on her face)... taking a 'vacation!' He DESERVES
one, what with his demands from all his clients: the rest will do him good!
He'll lie on the sand and get a tan, or frolic by the edge of the surf, and best
of all, he can sleep in the morning and NOT worry about a thing! (Dead silence.
Helen has a puzzled look on her face. She reacts to the quiet by raising her
voice in shock to her girls) WHAT?
DARIA: (Flat voice) You put Dad away
in a mental home, didn't you?
Submitted by
Rancour
Cat-itude
2ND MOUSE: You know what
we're going to do tonight, Pinky?
PINKY: (thinks) Try to take over the
world?
Submitted by rancour - "About bloody time he worked it
out."
JANE: Affection? What the HELL do you think you're doing??
Submitted by rancour
JANE: Don't worry. I will have forgotten
all about it by the end of the week.
DARIA: Umm, the assignment is *due*
this Friday.
JANE: Will you shut up already.
Submitted by
Rancour
DARIA: (Turns her back to Jane.) Do I have a sign on my
back that reads "Official assistant of Lawndale High"?
JANE: (Checks her
back.) Kick me! (pause) I love you! - Charles Ruttheimer III. (pause) Eat at
Joe's. (pause) Nope. Nothing about "assistant" anywhere.
Submitted by
Rancour
End Weekend End
DARIA: (Sees Jodie
approaching with an "I've got an assignment for you" look, and interrupts
herself) Uh-oh. Bandit on your six.
JANE: (Briefly checks her "six")
Evasive action.
JODIE: (Still at a slight distance from the table.) Hey,
you guys!
DARIA: They're coming in too fast. I can't hold 'em.
JODIE: (Now at the table) I've been looking all over for you.
DARIA & JANE: (Deadpan) Losing life-support.
Submitted by
Rancour
HELEN: (To Daria and Quinn.) You know girls, I was
thinking that maybe we could do something together this weekend - the whole
family. (Daria and Quinn both look shocked/panic-stricken.) This is really a
great opportunity. It's not often that we're all together like this ---
QUINN: But Mo-ooom! I'm already *grounded*. Isn't that enough of a
punishment already?
Submitted by Rancour
Hotter
Than Hades
MRS BENNET: The school, after all is usually closed
in the summer, and the slackers who have to make up classes in the summer don't
deserve air conditioning anyway.
DARIA: Well, *there's* an interesting
lesson in applied economics.
Submitted by
Rancour
(Daria comes out of the woods. She is rubbing her
bleeding nose.)
PARAMEDIC: (Indicating Quinn.) Is this the patient?
DARIA: (Heading toward Quinn.) Not yet. (pause) But very soon.
Submitted by Rancour
Satura Tota Nostra
Est
GUY #2: Awww. That sucks. My parents make me go to school.
KEVIN: (Tries to sound "deep". Fails miserably.) That's *exactly* the
kind of thing that could ruin your career forever, man.
Submitted by
Rancour
Jake: (in bed
with Helen, suggesting role-playing) Here ... I'll be John Travolta and you
can be ... be ... (searching ... ah, there it is!) ... that doctor chick
from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"!
Submitted by Robert Nowall (who
hasn't read "Daria (the movie)" yet.)
Band Aid
DARIA: (mildly embarrassed) Um ... actually ... it's the marching
band.
TRENT: (covering) Oh ... well, that's cool ...
JANE: You
don't have to pretend, Trent. We know it's the lamest thing ever. We're doing it
to get out of gym class.
TRENT: (visibly relieved) Okay, *that's* cool.
I'm not sure how long I could live a lie.
Submitted by
Rancour
DARIA: Sorry. That would require me second-guessing that
little voice that tells me what's right and wrong and how to live my
life.
JODIE: (senses a punchline) Your conscience?
DARIA: Hmmm ...
no, that doesn't sound right.
JANE: She means me.
DARIA: (looking
around) There it is again.
Submitted by Rancour
DARIA: What part of "I don't
want to know" do you not understand?
JANE: All of it, but I don't like
to let anyone else know that.
Submitted by
Rancour
Through a Closet, Darkly
Jane: If she had just been sucking up, yes. But there was actual
terror in her eyes, Daria. When has Ms. Defoe ever been terrified of
me?
Daria: Well, aside from your Goya period and the surrealism
thing...
Jane: Hey, those gerbils recovered!
Daria:
Really, now? That's not what I heard.
Jane: (Suspiciously)
Who told you otherwise?
The bell rings.
Daria: Saved
by the bell. You'll never know, now.
Jane: Damn you,
Morgendorffer. I know where you live.
Submitted by
NomadX
A Jane: I wouldn't worry about that. If he ever met
an idea, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
A Daria: Probably
try and tackle it.
Submitted by NomadX
Jane: The
next time I try to follow moving applesauce, you have my permission to knock me
out.
Daria: Duly noted.
Submitted by Robert Nowall
DEMARTINO: I'm only DOING
this, Daria, because you are the ONLY student in my class who can write in
complete SENTENCES, and I've got a policy of coddling brilliant but DISTURBED
students.
Submitted by rancour
JANE: So do they say Jane Lane or *what*??
(Beat)
DARIA: Actually, "what" was the word I was grasping for.
Submitted by Rancour
Surreal World
(Cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?" by Jewel)
[snip]
JODIE: Where is that *music* coming from??!
Submitted by
Rancour
JODIE: (face brightening) I know! We'll just be really
*nice* to each other this next week. We'll help each other out, listen to each
other's problems... we'll be so boring, Skip and Ms. Li will be dying to let us
out of our contracts.
(long pause)
ALL BUT JODIE: No way.
Submitted by Rancour
Charge of the Math
Brigade
DARIA: As a card-carrying member of the geek society, I
can assure you she has nothing to fear. We only accept *genuine* nerds, not the
superficial dabblers. *We* have standards, too, you know.
Submitted
by Rancour
In Her Own Words
ANDREA: (looking
at the dinosaur) You think I should get that for a tatoo?
DARIA: Why not?
Nothing says "menacing" like a dinosaur shaped like a giant inflatabe pool
toy.
Submitted by rancour
HELEN: My daughter thinks she's
GOD for chrissakes!
DARIA: Well, I have to model myself after someone.
Submitted by Rancour
Jane: It's Jane. (stands up)
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic an so am I.
Submitted by CMJJ
Brittany: I think the battery's
dead!
Kevin: (keeps trying) The battery can't be dead, we
just put gas in it this morning!
Submitted by rancour - "Who grew up
to be / the dead battery" </Pitchshifter>
Quinderella
Daria: Because everyone
knows, parents can push you only so far. Real torture requires a
sibling.
Submitted by rancour
Helen:
(exasperated) All right, but go on, time's wasting - (cell phone
rings) Hello? Yes? (pause) Look, she knew he was a Beast when she
fell in love with him!
Submitted by rancour
Helen and Jake hadn't seen this in
years, and Quinn never had, at least not that she remembered - Daria
Morgendorffer in full burn, seven shades of pissed off. Quinn tried to salvage
something from the situation. "Well, first you wanted me here and now you don't.
Make up your mind." As she walked towards the door, she muttered to herself.
"Bitch."
Helen heard that. She started to stand up, but Daria put an hand
on her shoulder and forced her back down. Daria took two steps after her sister,
and her voice was a vicious growl through clenched teeth. "Slut!"
Quinn
froze and looked back at her sister. Whatever she saw, it was enough to make her
leap out the door and run down the driveway.
Submitted by Dr
Mike
Behind the Glasses III (Compiled by
Canadibrit)
Andrea: During the last few months of 1999,
Ben Yee went on what can only be described as a writing tear. One wonders how he
did it.
Ben: (OS) I work without sleep.
Andrea: Ah, yes; that explains some of your plot lines.
Ben: (OS) HEY!
Submitted by Canadibrit (gonna
get killed for this, but what the hell...)
Tiff, said freshman,
glared at him. "I'm sick of running back and forth yelling about silverware."
Tim mutely held up a spork. "Okay, plasticware." She rolled her
eyes.
Meanwhile, Daria and Jane were going back and forth in the
background. "Mr. Spuck, do you detect signs of life?"
"I guess we're just
spuck at this point in the script."
"These hamburgers could pass for
hockey spucks."
"Tiff really spucked up."
"Yeah, she doesn't have
a single spuck of brains."
"Kinda spucky. Perhaps we need the
Ghostbusters."
Tiff pouted. Tim snickered. Ben rolled his eyes. "SPUCK! I
mean, CUT!"
Submitted by Jill Palmer
