Today the Superlative Seven are known throughout the world as an inspirational group of superheroes and part time rag and bone men. However little is known of their history. The only thing most scholars will agree about is that it probably happened in the past.
Those few who have dared to inquire into the group's origin have either ended up dead or working for Channel Five.

However now, for the first time we can present the sordid history of world's least favourite heroes…The Superlative Seven!

It's well known that Dandy, Lordy and Mr. B were brought together as part of HTV's attempt to cash in on the Battles' success in the sixties in "The Marmosetz" a group of young, fun loving chip shop workers living and frying in the Torquay area.

As part of an attempt to add youth appeal TV bosses added a forth member- little Mr. A (son of Debbie and Mr. T.). With hits like "Last Train to Liverpool Central", "Daydream Crabsperm" and "Randy Newport Git", the stage was set for Home Counties success.

The Marmosetz were marketing phenomena. Not only records, but books, comics, toys and an ill conceived series of family planning products bearing the Marmoset logo all failed to sell. By the early seventies the media had lost interest in the group, and the band members had began to seek fame in other directions.

Little Mr. A was the first Marmoset to release a solo record, the novelty single "Short Haired Supporter of Liverpool". As a direct result he was also the first Marmoset to be banned from Australia on the grounds of taste.
He soon developed a loyal teenbop audience of aardvarks who followed him everywhere, until the sad evening, Jon was found in bed with an anthill.

Adopting a unique folk style Lordy soon found fans deserting his gigs in droves.
He then quit show business and became an antiques dealer who secretly helped the intelligence services of the world. He was crap at both jobs.
In the seventies he took lessons in being an unemployed actor from Barry Morse and became a film star who secretly helped the intelligence services of the world. He was crap at both jobs.
Mr. B, the quiet one, didn't reappear until 1973. Quiet simply it appeared that as the quiet one, no one had bothered to tell him the group had split up. Mr. B then planned an ambitious concept album to relauch his career.
"Tales from Topographic Chip Shops" was released on April 1 as an album, 8-track tape, a film, a west end musical and a cheeseburger. On April 2 it was returned as a album, 8-track tape, a film, a west end musical and a cheeseburger.
However in one spectacular event in 1985 Mr. B did more to help World famine than any other musician by donating his priceless collection of puddings to Oxfam.

Dandy embraced the hippy movement of the sixties and early seventies in bands such as "King Henry's Crimson Cow's Gong" and "Yeah". However in 1976 he became a founder member of the punk rock movement and made a fortune by selling ready made spit at concerts.
In 1977 Dandy returned to Television in the short lived series "The Spaceman from UNCLE". Fans believe the series programme would have had been more popular if the role of Napoleon hadn't been given to a shop window dummy.

Fiona, Debbie and Helen had been together since the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest with their group SHABBA where they finished 87th out of 24 entrants. However the group's album was shelved after one of the members accidentally erased 11 minutes of the master tape.

Since the age of four Duggie had been playing guitar and singing with AC/DC until the band found out about it and put a court injunction on her. However her love of music and films lead her to a profitable career providing the soundtrack to porno movies. Even today grown men have been known to need new trousers after listening to Duggie eat an orange.

In 1979 Debbie was teamed with her son Jon for the Jonny and Marie show, where she played Donny.
Now exclusively working for pies, Mr. B was the shows executive producer. The series made TV history when "The Jonny and Marie Show" became the first programme to be cancelled before the end of the opening titles.

Duggie met Helen and Fiona for the first time as "Lordy's Angels", the cult cheesecake series of the late '70's. John, misunderstanding this meaning of the word cheesecake, played B, the girl's bungling assistant for no money at all, and was paid entirely in cheesecake's. Due to a contractual dispute the unseen "Lordy" was actually voiced by George from "Rainbow".

Helen used her re-found fame to rekindle her musical career. She singlehandely created the new romantic movement and scored a surprise hit with "Are Light Bulbs Electric" in 1980. However her follow up, "Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West (in an electric cart)" failed to chart.

Dandy had moved into film production during the video boom of the eighties. Several of his movies quickly became favourites with the censors as they were banned again and again. Even today "I Spit on Marie Osmond's Lovely Eye" is still banned in St. Ives.

The early eighties saw Lordy and Fiona join together as the techno duo The Eucalyptus. Their first single, "Wet Dreams" was number one in Afghanistan, where the rebels used it to drive the Russians out of the country. Fiona later went on to star as The Piddler in "Batman Go Home".

Ever eager for a quick pint Lordy and Dandy reunited for a tour of pubs in the Southport area in the late eighties. Their lightweight brand of drunken foolishness was to delight a whole new audience of magistrates.

Duggie was staring in Dandy's videos and won rave reviews for "Behind Marie Osmond's Orange" and "I Am Curious, Orange". However her biggest sucess was in "Confession's of an Orange Sucker".
The audio book of her autobiography, "I Suck Your Orange" was a runaway best stealer in Holloway.

Mr. B was now exclusively massaging, I mean managing Mr. A after his only other client, Sooty, left after the Macarena fiasco.

Helen, Fiona and Debbie were touring under the name of Debbie, Helen and Fiona. However a legal wrangle forced them to change their name to Fiona, Debbie and Helen.
In 1997 six of the seven accidentally met in Caister while John, Jon, Lordy, Dandy, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub were playing in a Marmosetz tribute band and Fiona, Helen and Debbie were cleaning the chalets. John bumped into Debbie and was so struck with the girl he instantly asked her to help him up. It was the beginning of a partnership that would last a lunch time.

Two years later Duggie was discovered squatting in one of Jon's T-shirts. Dandy offered her an orange. Duggie knocked him out and was instantly rewarded with lifetime membership of the Seven by the others.

And so began the real history of the Seven…

…And possibly their end.