"Toon Talk" is a production of Graham-Taylor Studios. Guests are property
of Walt Disney Co. Both are used without permission...
Toon Talk 3: The Swimsuit Edition
Aviatrix: Welcome again to "Toon Talk". I'm your hostess, the Aviatrix,
coming to you live from sunny Cape Susette. I'm accompanied by our
usual panelists: Don Karnage, Negaduck, Darkwing Duck and Mozenrath. Today,
in a desperate and pathetic attempt to boost our ratings, our panel
is shedding their clothing for a little swimsuit competition. Our first
contestant is Don Karnage, sporting a 30's style bathing suit. Tell me
Karnage, isn't this the suit you wore that made Aunt Louise fall for you?
Karnage: Don't remind me. (Pulls out a hand mirror and checks
his reflection.) Then again, who could blame her?
Aviatrix: Our next contestant is Negaduck, who is wearing... Ew. Is that a
leather thong?
Negaduck: It sure is. Eat your hearts out, ladies.
Karnage: (Aside to Aviatrix) Actually, I think they *will*.
Aviatrix: Uh, yes. I know *I* won't be able to sleep nights. Up
next is Mr. Darkwing Duck, in... An undershirt and boxer shorts with little
red hearts on it. Uh, forget something, Darkwing?
Darkwing: Um, yeah. I sort of forgot that _today_ was the swimsuit
competition. Heh, heh.
Aviatrix: And last, but definitely not least, is Mozenrath, sporting a---
Hey! Aren't you supposed to be wearing a *bathing suit*!?!
Mozenrath: Sure. But I forgot my suit.
Aviatrix: Yeah, but did you have to wear your *birthday suit* instead!?!
Mozenrath: Well, _excuse me_ for not wearing underwear under my clothes
like *some* people. (Glances at Darkwing, who turns red and tries to
cover his shorts.) Do you have any idea how hot it is wearing all that
dark clothing in the desert?
Karnage: The boy has a point. (Aviatrix buries her head in her hands.
Darkwing pats her on the shoulder gently.)
Darkwing: There, there. It could be worse.
Negaduck: Yeah. At least Moze is still wearing his glove.
Aviatrix: Don't remind me. I'd rather not think about *where*
he's wearing at the moment. I don't know what's worse---contemplating
what's underneath his gauntlet or that skeletal arm of his...(Karnage
looks thoughtful for a moment.)
Karnage: Gee... I wonder if he can still do magic.
Mozenrath: Sure I can. Want me to show you?
["Toon Talk" is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.]
Aviatrix: Well, we're back. Now that everything is back to normal---
(glares at Mozenrath) and everybody is *fully clothed*---let's get get down
to business, shall we? Who's our first caller?
Studio Technician: Broadcast Standards and Practices is on the phone,
Aviatrix. Do you want to take the call now?
Aviatrix: Maybe later. (Mozenrath smirks.) Who else is on the line?
Mirage: Hello. This is Mirage. I just want to say that I don't mind
Mozenrath taking off all his clothes. In fact, I'd like it to happen again!
Aviatrix: Oh, yeah? Well, *fat chance*. Go clean yourself, kitty.
_You're_ not the one who has to watch it.
Mirage: Hey, what do you know? *I* changed his diapers.
Mozenrath: Hey! Do you mind?
Aviatrix: Next!
Splatter: This is Splatter Phoenix. I just want to get back at Geary for
that question of his the other week, so I'd like to ask the panel about
_their_ turn-ons.
Aviatrix: (Makes a face) Do you have to?
Splatter: Oh, *yes*.
(Negaduck opens his mouth.)
Aviatrix: If handcuffs are involved, I don't want to hear it. (Negaduck
makes a rude gesture at her.)
Mozenrath: Well, _I_ always get turned on after the destruction of a small
city.
Negaduck: So do I.
Karnage: Hey, me too! (Aviatrix and Darkwing look disgusted.)
Darkwing: (Rolls eyes.) Villains.
Karnage: Personably though, my _girlfriend_ and I (gives Aviatrix a
significant look), like to play the Senorita and the Matador with the
whip. (Aviatrix blushes.)
Mozenrath: There's a shocker.
Aviatrix: Yeah, but I'm not the one in the Senorita costume.
(Panel turns to look at Karnage, who is sweating.)
Karnage: Uh, the Matador pants are too tight.
Negaduck: *Sure* they are.
(Aviatrix turns to Darkwing, who is strangely quiet.)
Aviatrix: Well, Darkwing, it's your turn. Aren't you going to 'fess up?
Darkwing: Um, no. That's quite all right. Heh, heh.
Karnage: Hey, we had to tell ours, yes-no?
Mozenrath: Spit it out already.
Negaduck: Or *else*.
Darkwing: Hey! You can't _make_ me do this!
Negaduck: Oh *no*? (Karnage draws out his sword. Mozenrath gathers up
magical energy in his gauntlet. Negaduck pulls out his chainsaw and revs
it up. All point their respective weapons at Darkwing, who gulps.)
Darkwing: Okay, maybe you can. All right, if you _really_ want to know...
Morgana and I like to play the intrepid crimefighter and the
naughty suspect. (Panel rolls their eyes.)
Mozenrath: Nerd.
Karnage: Wimp.
Negaduck: _Some_ secret.
Aviatrix: We'll take a short break, and we'll be right back. [Off air]
Excuse me, guys. I need a breath of fresh air. Something *definitely*
stinks in here.
Mozenrath: We love you too. (Aviatrix leaves room.)
Negaduck: Finally, she's gone. [Turns microphone back on.] Hey, kids!
Want to hear what happened during our so-called "technical difficulties"?
Darkwing: Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea---
Negaduck: Shut up, you geek.
Darkwing: Sleazebag.
Negaduck: Egotist.
Darkwing: Sadist.
Negaduck: Catch. (Tosses a lighted bomb at Darkwing, who unfortunately
catches it.)
Darkwing: What kind of an insult is "Catch"? (Realizes) Uh-oh. (The bomb
blows up in his face. Negaduck puts on the tape.)
Negaduck: It's *showtime*.
[Tape:]
Aviatrix: All right! That's *it*! Everybody---OUT!!!
Mozenrath: My, aren't we the touchy one today.
Darkwing: Be happy she isn't, really. (Aviatrix points to Mozenrath.)
Aviatrix: You! Put some clothes on, you---you---*pervert*!!!
Mozenrath: Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impolite to point?
Negaduck: Check out who's talking.
Karnage: I'd rather not, yes-no? (Aviatrix turns to look at Negaduck.)
Aviatrix: You! (Points to Negaduck.) Put something decent on---although
that might be a stretch for you. You! (Points to Darkwing.) Cover up
those shorts---they're an eyesore. And you---(Points at Karnage)---you---
um, you can stay like that if you want (winks at him) ...Uh, but you
better put something on, too.
(Aviatrix returns.)
Aviatrix: Hey! What's going on here?
Negaduck: Just showing our audience the _truth_. Isn't that what you
want? (Aviatrix grits her teeth in anger.)
Aviatrix: May I see you in my office for a moment, Negaduck?
Negaduck: What are you going to do? Hurt me?
Aviatrix: No. Knowing you, you'd probably enjoy that.
(Negaduck follows Aviatrix into her office, and she locks the door. Sounds
of a struggle ensue. Then Aviatrix steps out of the room, dusting herself
off.)
Darkwing: Hey! Where's Negaduck? (Aviatrix thumbs at her office.)
Aviatrix: In there. (Screams of pain come from within.)
Karnage: What did you do to him?
Aviatrix: I strapped him down in front of a television set.
Mozenrath: There's a fate worse than death.
Aviatrix: Oh, but that's not all. There's a two-week
marathon of a certain show on...(Darkwing's eyes widen.)
Darkwing: You _didn't_!
Aviatrix: Wanna bet?
Negaduck: No! No! No more Lost Bunnies!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
(Panel looks horrified.)
Aviatrix: (Turns to rest of panel.) So? Anyone else want to get fresh?
(Panel shakes their heads wordlessly in fear.)
Aviatrix: That's "Toon Talk" for this week. We all hope to see you again
next week. (In the background, Negaduck screams again. Aviatrix glances
behind her.) Well, _most_ of us, anyway.
Darkwing: Have you considered therapy?
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