Good evening. This is Kevin Turvey.  There's something different about me this week, isn't there?  Can you spot it? I've had a haircut. Nope.  That's not it, is it?  What can it be then?  That's right- I'm not here.  I have completely disappeared and become utterly invisible. I'm floating around in the air, and, like, in and out of cupboards.  

But I'm now visible again.  Uh, uh, and I'm not floating around anymore.  Good, I was getting a bit airsick anyway.

Good evening, Britain. That was an investigation into the nature of the supernatural, and, as you probably spotted, it was completely great.  My name is Kevin Turvey.  Why?  Well, I don't know.  It's not my fault.  Somebody gave it to me, and I wasn't consulted.  You'd think they might've asked me, don't you? I mean, I'm the one who has to go the rest of his life being called Kevin Turvey by people.  It makes you sick, anyway.  I'll tell you what maked me really sick, though.  Drinking a pint of salt water and jamming my fingers down my throat.  That makes me really sick, that does, so, like, whenever possible, I try to avoid doing that, y'know.  Especially on the television. 'Cause, like, it gets down the back and makes the picture go all wiggly, y'know. And all the programs begin to stink.  Even Fame!  And then you get this horrible stinging pain in the back of your head, and you go, "Ow!  Stop hitting me, Mom!"

And she says, "What's all this sick?"

And you say, "Well, it's mainly vegetables, but there's some cornflakes down there, I think, and a cup of tea and things like that, y'know? Anyways, it's a whole, horrible business, and I just try to avoid it whenever possible, being sick, y'know?  Especially in the fridge.  Well, 'cause things last longer in the fridge, don't they?  Y'know?  'Cause, like, we've got this fridge at home, y'know?  Well, we mainly use it for keeping things in that we want to keep cold, y'know. Well, it ain't much good for anything else, really. I mean, you can't get Radio One on it.  Well, not unless you put the radio inside it first, y'know.  I tried that the other day, actually.  

But, I'd just opened the fridge door, right, and I heard this terrible ringing sound, and I thought, oh no, I've smashed my face on the fridge door again! But I hadn't, 'cause, like, the ringing carried on and on, and it turned into a thumping, and this voice saying, "Let me in, Turvey!  Open up the door!"  And I though, oh no, not the front door again?  And I was right, 'cause, like, it was the back door, y'know?  So, I changed what I was thinking a bit, and I thought, oh no, not the back door again?

So I got up, right?   Went out into the hall, 'cause, well, you've got to get out into the hall to get to the back door, you see.  Well, no the only alternative is smashing down the wall next to the cooker.  I'm not going to get involved in all that again, right? Anyway, I got to the back door, right, opened it up and everything. That was easy, really.  Well, I'd done it loads of times before, y'know.  Just go out, twist the handle a bit, and open up the door, y'know.  Piece of piss, really.  Well, it's made out of wood, y'know, but you know what I mean, really.  Anyway, I got outside and guess what?   There was absolutely nobody there!  Well, except me, and, uh, some paving stones, and a fly or two. But there was nobody else, and I thought, hello.  I didn't say it, like, y'know, I just thought, hello. Well, there was not much point in saying it, 'cause there was nobody else there, y'know.  

But I'll tell you something funny, right?  There's this bloke, and he goes into a pub, and there's a donkey behind the bar, and he goes up to the donkey, and he says, "Awright, Brian?"  Well, he guessed his name, y'know.

And the donkey says, "Awright, mate."  Well, only, with his hoofs, y'know.  He goes...tap tap tap...

And the bloke says, "I'll have a pint of bitter, please."

And the donkey says, "Right, mate."

Probably said that.  He says, "Pint of bitter, was it?"

And the bloke says, "That's right."

And he goes, "Here you are, then."

Told you it was funny, didn't I? *snicker*  Ain't got nothing to do with the story, though, but, that's the way things are sometimes, isn't it, y'know?  Well, that just about raps it up for another week.  Before I'd like to go, I'd just like to say, "Um, I'm going now.  Tata."  Yeah, that's what I was going to say. So, until next week, this is Kevin Turvey saying, "Keep your trousers up, keep your legs down, and THIS IS THE AGE.....of the train."

"Kevin Tuvey Investigates The Supernatural," from the CD, "Kevin Turvey Investigates," Written by Rik Mayall and Colin Gilbert.   Performed by Rik Mayall.   Produced by Colin Gilbert and Tom Gutteridge.

This page is in no way affiliated with Rik Mayall, Colin Gilbert, or Tom Gutteridge, nor is it affiliated with the BBC.  This material is copyrighted and I will remove it if so requested.  This page is for the benefit of Rik Mayall's fans and is in no way being used to make money.  This is an amateur webpage and should be looked upon as such.