Good evening, everybody.   Kevin Turvey here, the man who really investigates everything properly.  Not like Keith Marshall.  And anyway, Keith Marshall, if I don't investigate things properly, then how come I'm on the BBC and you're not?  Think about that sometimes!  And it wasn't me that nicked your bike, anyway!  Just a bloke asked me to move it, that's all, so I moved it 'round the corner.  I didn't nick it! Anyway, good evening, everybody else.  Before we start, I thought I'd better apologise for my sore throat.  Only, yesterday I was investigating how many times you have to shout, "Tumble dryer," in the high street before somebody comes up to you and offers you a cigarette.  It took ages and ages. In the end, I lost count, anyway.  Anyway, this week, I decided I'd investigate tarmac, you know, like, why it's black, and things like that.  So I got up, like, really early on the first day of my investigation, and thought I'd have a really good breakfast, you know, cereal, so I went into the kitchen, right, got out the cornflakes, put it on the table, went over to the fridge, like, 'cause that's where I keep my milk y'know.  Opened up the door, and guess what?   There's was no milk!  I thought, that's alright, I'll go to Tesco's and get some milk, right, 'cause they got loads down there, y'know.   No, they have!  I've been there.   I've seen it, racks and racks of it.  Anyway, I went down there. Went in, like, through the door, y'know, 'cause like, they've got two doors there, y'know.  There's one that says, "In," and there's one that says, "Out," and I went in the one that says, "In."  Went in there, and that when this really strange thing happened, cause I saw this woman in there, well *snicker* well, it's not odd in Tesco's, y'know, but this one was.  I thought, crikey, that's Noel Gordon.  I thought, it can't be Noel Gordon, not in Tesco's, like, so I crept up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned 'round, and, d'you know what?  I was right! It wasn't! So I got the milk, like, y'know, took it home, and poured it on my cornflakes, like, well, not all of it, *snicker* just a bit, like, y'know. Put the top back on and put it back in the fridge, like, on it's own.   Well, not absolutely on it's own.  There's a bit of cheese in there, I think, and some ice, y'know, but that's not important, anyway.  Sat down to start my cornflakes, and I, I didn't know whether I wanted to listen to the radio or not, so I put on Radio One, y'know.  I started eating my cornflakes, and I'd just had a few cornflakes, about fifteen or sixteen cornflakes, but I wasn't counting, y'know. Well, you don't, do you?  *snicker* Well, I don't, anyway.  I'd be stupid if I did, y'know.  Well, I'd just had a few cornflakes, and there was this knock at the door.  I thought, ah, that's someone at the door, right, so I got up, like, went 'round the table, and down to the end of the hall, where I keep my front door, and you know them little, uh, holes, like, that you can look through, and see everybody all big outside, y'know?   Well, I haven't got one of them, so I opened the door, like, and it was the postman, with a telegram. He says, "Kevin Turvey?   I've got a telegram for you."  I said, "Oh, great!"  He says, "I hope all your family's died in a really painful car accident!"   I said, "Why?  What've I ever done to you?" and he smashed me in the face! So I got up, like, really quickly, grabbed the telegram, and slammed the door, right.  Opened it up.  Not the door, like; the telegram. I'd be stupid if I opened up the door again!  *snicker* And I read it.  It said, "Kevin Turvey, do not investigate tarmac. Investigate work, love, the BBC," so that was a lucky break, wasn't it?  Could have spent the whole week investigating the wrong thing!  Until next week, Armchair Britain, don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.

"Kevin Tuvey Investigates Work," from the CD, "Kevin Turvey Investigates," Written by Rik Mayall and Colin Gilbert.   Performed by Rik Mayall.   Produced by Colin Gilbert and Tom Gutteridge.

This page is in no way affiliated with Rik Mayall, Colin Gilbert, or Tom Gutteridge, nor is it affiliated with the BBC.  This material is copyrighted and I will remove it if so requested.  This page is for the benefit of Rik Mayall's fans and is in no way being used to make money.  This is an amateur webpage and should be looked upon as such.