Today, I had the wrong newspaper delivered.  It was this morning.  You see, normally, I get Smash Hits, right, but today, no, I do.  I've been there. Today, they sent me the Record Mirror. It's amazing the things that happen, isn't it?  I expect the next to happen to be something like they'll give me a bottle of Vimto instead of a bottle of milk or something like that, really crackers like that. Tell you what:  that'd make your cornflakes taste a bit....uh...Vimtoey, wouldn't it?  Well, unless you was having Cocoa Puffs or something like that, y'know...boiled eggs.  Only your boiled eggs ain't much like Cocoa Puffs, are they?  Well, they're rounder, really, and more eggy-like, y'know.  And you don't get chickens out of Cocoa Puffs.  Well, not unless you're hallucinating or something like that.  Anyway, it's never happened to me.  About the nearest thing to it that has happened, right, is that I once met a bloke who claimed to be a milkman.  But that's not much like it at all, really.  He could have been lying, anyway.  People do.  I mean, like, I had my legs amputated yesterday, and that's a lie.   Quite a good lie, actually.  Probably make quite a lot of money with that lie.  I could do with quite a lot of money.  Well, I spent all of mine on an ice cream, you see.  See, 'cause, like, about a half an hour ago, before this, I was hanging around, 'cause I had about a half an hour to kill, right?  And I thought, I can either go up to the bar, and get a few drinks down me, y'know, but I thought, I'm always doing that, y'know, and it takes ages to get my anorak dry again.  Quite a waste of time, really.  And besides which, I'm trying to avoid the Reddich Sunrises, y'know.  That's this drink I've invented.  It's a cocktail, actually.  It's very sophisticated, and very easy to make.  It, uhm, a bottle of Tia Maria, which you pour into a pint glass, right?  And mix in an ice cube to taste.  Well, it's a taste Tia Miara, basically.  But you've got to watch it, though.  I had three of them last Wednesday.  I ended up having eaten an entire tablecloth.  I woke up in the morning inside the fridge.  I'd written a complete novel on the inside of the icebox.  It was a very good novel, actually, but I had to defrost the fridge to get my finger back, you know, and bang went the novel.  Well, drip drip went the novel, actually, y'know.  So I thought, no, I'll steer clear of it.  I'll have an ice cream instead.  That'll kill half an hour.  So I went up to the woman, right.  I said, "Uh, I'll have an ice cream, please."

And she said, "Oh, yeah?"

I said, "Yeah, I'll have an ice cream, please."

She said, "Oh, well, you'd better go up to the canteen then."

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "This is the ladies lavatory."

So I said, "Oh, right, okay then, right," and I went up to the canteen.  I went up to the woman there.  It was a different woman, y'know. Well, it could've been the same woman.  She would've had to run very fast up the corridor, and do some pretty snappy plastic surgery, y'know.  I don't think she can have done that, y'know. Well, I would've noticed the surgeons coming out, y'know.  Ah, no, I think it was a completely new woman.  Well, she was about forty-five, but you know what I mean, y'know. 

GET THEM RHINOES OUT OF HERE!  Pesky things!  

I can't remember what I was saying now. Uh...now I'm losing the atmosphere.  Uhm, uh....knock knock. (Audience says, "Who's there").

Oh, you've heard it. Uh, well, anyway, this week, I've been investigating them nasty little sticky things that you stick things to walls with, right, and what I've discovered is if you eat a whole packet of them, it sticks your teeth together for four days.  So my tip of the week is if you're going to eat a whole packet of them things before a conversation, and it'll stick your teeth together for four days, then that's a really bad idea.  Alright, so until next week, this is Kevin Turvey...y'know, just sitting here in this chair.  Goodnight.

"Kevin Tuvey Investigates Nasty Little Sticky Things," from the CD, "Kevin Turvey Investigates," Written by Rik Mayall and Colin Gilbert.   Performed by Rik Mayall.   Produced by Colin Gilbert and Tom Gutteridge.

This page is in no way affiliated with Rik Mayall, Colin Gilbert, or Tom Gutteridge, nor is it affiliated with the BBC.  This material is copyrighted and I will remove it if so requested.  This page is for the benefit of Rik Mayall's fans and is in no way being used to make money.  This is an amateur webpage and should be looked upon as such.