Angel yawned sleepily and blinked against the light pouring through the open door. "Morning," Buffy said cheerfully, closing the door quickly and moving to sit down next to him. "How are you feeling?"
Angel bit back the reply that rose to his lips; he'd be feeling a hell of a lot better if Buffy could just leave him alone for a little while so he could actually sleep. "Better," he replied instead, not wanting to hurt her feelings.
"Good," she said. "Always good to be better." Buffy stopped and played with a loose strand of hair that was hanging in front of her eyes, pushing it back in an attempt to get it out of her way as she made herself more comfortable. "Look, we really need to talk," she said instead.
"About?" Angel asked, sitting up and closing his eyes against a wave of dizziness.
"About us," she answered nervously, clearing her throat. "I know this isn't the best of times to bring this up, but . . . well, I can't think of any time that might be better. I obviously can't wait till you're feeling better or you'll just go and avoid me again."
"What about us?"
"Is there going to be an us?" Buffy sniffed and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. "I mean, I would have thought you'd be happier about this, you becoming human again and all . . . "
Angel sighed. "Buffy . . . look, it's not that simple," he said, echoing his words from last night. "I tried to kill you," he reminded her. "You can't lose sight of that. I tortured you mercilessly in an attempt to drive you insane . . . " He saw her wince and swallowed. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You have to be able to kill me, Buffy. If something like this ever happens again, you have to have that strength. If we get back together again . . . you won't."
Buffy's eyes flashed in anger and she stood abruptly. "God, Angel! Give me a break! What am I supposed to do? Have absolutely no friends, no life, not care about anyone, cause god forbid they might turn into a vampire and try to kill me? Avoid everyone because they're potential enemies? Just go out, kill vampires, then hide out during the day so no one can see me or talk to me? That's absolutely crazy!"
"Buffy . . . "
"No!" she interrupted. "Okay, so what happened was a bad thing, absolutely. I'm not denying that. But it happened, and it's over with now! Dammit, Angel, I love you, you son of a bitch! I'm not going to avoid you just because you *might* lose your soul again! You know what? Giles could be turned into a vampire tomorrow! I could be killed tomorrow by Spike! I'm the Slayer, Angel, I'm always going to be in danger, and this one time, this one occurrence, you happened to be the threat. But it wasn't like you had any control over it! And neither did I! We just have to move past it, and I can not believe that you would say something like that to me. We can't be together because you might come after me again and I wouldn't be able to kill you? If Xander was turned into a vampire I probably wouldn't be able to kill him! Or Willow, or Giles, or Cordy, or anyone! I can't live my life that way!"
"That's different," Angel protested. "I am a vampire. If you had sex with Giles or Xander they wouldn't lose their souls and go after you."
Buffy looked at though he had slapped her. "That was low," she said softly.
"I didn't mean it like that," he said hastily. "But it's true. I was a vampire to begin with; you weren't doing your duty by letting me live."
"How was I not doing my duty?" she hissed. "Cold blooded murder of the innocent, yeah, that's what I'm supposed to do as the Slayer! Absolutely! It's in the handbook! I don't think so, Angel. Now I want you to get off this self-pity, self-hatred guilt trip and move past it! It's not that damn hard!" Buffy began to tremble and a single tear trekked down her cheek.
Angel saw it and stood up hastily, then groaned at the pain that made itself known throughout his entire body. He did his best to ignore it and limped the two steps to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Buffy," he whispered, his voice labored with pain, "I'm sorry."
Buffy swallowed compulsively and looked up at him. "Come on," she said, helping him back to the floor. "I'm sorry, too," she said, once he was sitting again. "That was wrong of me, to try and have this conversation now, when you're weak and all. But I'm just scared," she admitted. "Angel . . . I love you so much. I can't . . . I can't do this without you. I can't . . . I can't fight them without you by my side."
Angel winced. "You should be able to," he replied.
"I know I should be able to!" she shouted, then lowered her voice when she realized that she was doing the exact same thing she had done before; she had no right to yell at him like this and she knew it. "I know I should be able to," she repeated, sounding much calmer. "But I'm not. I can't help it, I just love you so much. You're . . . I can't . . . I don't . . . " She sighed. "You mean everything to me," she said finally, kneeling down next to him.
"I wish I didn't."
"But you do," Buffy said matter-of-factly. "There's nothing you can do to change it. I love you. I will always love you. Now Giles estimates that you'll be all better in a week or so, except he says you'll probably have a slight limp for awhile . . . then I really want us to talk about this, okay?" She smirked. "When you're well enough to fight with me," she added.
"I don't want to fight with you, Buffy," he said. "I'm just . . . Buffy, you have to promise me something. Okay?"
"What?" she asked suspiciously.
"That if I ever, *ever* go back to that again, go back to who I was a few months ago, that you'll kill me. No hesitation. Please, don't let me do that to you again. I'd rather be dead."
Buffy bit her lip. "Angel, I don't know if I can. It's . . . it's not that easy."
"Yes, it is," he replied. "You said it yourself . . . it wasn't really me. It wouldn't really be me. Kill him. Kill him for me. Please?"
Buffy closed her eyes and nodded. "I'll try," she whispered. "But hopefully the issue won't ever come up." She noticed how weak he looked, how exhausted, and bit her lip, realizing that their fight had taken a lot out of him. "Rest for awhile, okay?" she beseeched him. "I'll come back later. I . . . I'm sorry," she said again. "That was really selfish of me."
He shook his head quickly. "It's okay. I understand. You're upset."
"Still . . . I had no right to take it out on you." She saw Angel immediately open his mouth to argue with her that it wasn't her fault and sighed. "Never mind," she said hastily. "Later. I'll be back later. One little kiss before I go?" she asked, a small smile curving her lip.
Angel sighed, but was still feeling guilty about having upset her and nodded. She leaned forward and their lips met. Buffy felt an electric shiver run up her spine; it had been far to long since she'd kissed him, since she'd felt his arms around her. After a moment she pulled away gently and left the room, wondering how on earth she could make him understand and forgive himself.
Buffy sighed and turned over on her bed, reaching one hand out to shut off her alarm clock angrily. She did not want to get up, she'd been having a wonderful dream involving her and Angel, and daylight. Those dreams were not rare, of course, but they were even more enjoyable now, knowing that it was so close to happening, so close to being real. Another week had passed, Angel's fever was gone, his head wound entirely healed, though his leg was, as Giles had predicted, still quite weak. His physical health was no longer a major concern, but Buffy was still worried about his mental health. He still seemed intent on blaming himself, and on their relationship not continuing. Needless to say neither of these things were making Buffy a happy Slayer.
One thing that did make Buffy happy, however, was the fact that Angel was now entirely human. The spell, or whatever it was that Ms. Calendar had done to him, had completed itself. Even Xander was happy for her, for them both, Buffy only wished Angel was more happy for himself. Unfortunately, not even something as novel as real food or sunlight seemed able to snap him out of his depression, and Buffy's concern was growing with each passing day. Their fights had become more frequent, Angel insisting that she had to stay away from him, Buffy insisting there was no reason for her to.
Sighing once again she pulled the pillow over her head, not wanting to get up and face the real world, where she and Angel were still at odds over many things. She wanted only to remain in the dreaming realm, in a world that could so easily become reality if Angel would only let it. Buffy was running out of ideas and arguments to use against him and his self-hatred and condemnation; he seemed absolutely determined to keep them from being together again, and she didn't know what to do about it. Things had actually been easier before, when their only real problem had been her being the Slayer and him being a vampire. Those worries were long past, and Buffy never thought she would miss them. At least then Angel hadn't been so damn stubborn . . . no, actually, that wasn't true, she reminded herself, thinking back fully. After their talk in the Bronze she hadn't seen him at all until the night before she'd been fated to die. He'd managed to avoid her for a rather long time.
Yawning, she got out of bed slowly and looked out the window, remembering better times when Angel had crawled through their to greet her, to speak with her about prophecies and tales of doom he'd heard from his sources. Wiping away a stray tear she walked towards her closet and looked for something to wear, wondering what argument she would use today. It was his last day of staying at the library, he'd wanted to leave yesterday but both Buffy and Giles had argued against it. Tomorrow, however, he'd be gone to his new apartment, house, whatever, and she had no idea how she was going to get in touch with him. That worried her more than anything, she knew with certainty that he would avoid her, and if there was one thing Angel was good at it was avoiding people.
She arrived at the library to see Giles pacing nervously. "What's up?" she asked him, walking towards the table and sitting down.
He looked at her and sighed. "Angel's gone," he told her gently. "He left late last night."
Buffy groaned. "Son of a bitch," she muttered. "I'm so going to kill him!"
"Buffy . . . " Giles admonished, and took a step backwards when she stood in anger.
"Don't 'Buffy' me, Giles! You just don't get it, do you? He's determined, absolutely and completely determined to avoid me! God, what does it take to get through to him, anyway? Do I have to cast a love spell like Xander did or something? But that's not even it, cause he loves me, so he can't be with me, blah, blah, blah! Can you say stuck in a romance novel? Where is he?"
"I don't know, Buffy," Giles replied nervously.
"You don't know?" she repeated. "Come on, he must have told you something!"
"He didn't tell me anything," Giles said, still sounding worried.
"Great! Just great!" Buffy turned on her heel and left the library, leaving the double doors swinging in her wake.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" Willow asked when she saw her friend in class that morning.
"What's wrong?" Buffy repeated, still riding an emotional storm of anger. "What's wrong? What's wrong is my damn idiotic boyfriend, that's what's wrong! He left! He's taken off for parts unknown, wherever the hell he's living now, and I have no clue how to get in touch with him, no clue what the hell to say to him if I can get in touch with him . . . I really hate him right now, I really, really do!"
Willow blinked and swallowed, slightly nervous by the fury she saw in the slayer's eyes. "Why didn't you ask Giles for his phone number?" she wondered.
"His phone number?" Buffy echoed.
Willow nodded. "Yeah, he gave it to Giles awhile ago," she said. "Of course, Giles doesn't know I know, but . . . "
"Thanks, Will! You're the best!" Buffy hurried out of the class right as the teacher walked in.
"Where do you think you're going, Miss Summers?" the teacher asked, staring at her with raised eyebrows.
Buffy looked at her teacher, her emotions flashing back to anger, and Willow buried her head in her hands, knowing, just knowing, Buffy was going to give the teacher an attitude. "What do you care?" Yup, Willow thought, hearing her words, definite attitude.
"What do I care?" the teacher replied. "You've already cut my class three times this week!" he reminded her.
"So?" Buffy asked coolly. "Look, when you have a sacred duty and a boyfriend who wants to avoid you, then you can talk to me about cutting."
"A sacred duty?" The teacher raised an eyebrow. "I don't know what you're on, Miss Summers, but you walk out of this class and you can expect a suspension from school."
"And this is supposed to make me stay, why?" Willow winced at Buffy's words, and mentally cursed her own stupidity for telling Buffy Giles had Angel's phone number . . . she should have known nothing would stop Buffy from getting it and trying to make up with him.
"Get out of my class or come in. Your choice."
"Bye!" Buffy said perkily, and left the room.
"Giles!" Buffy called out, coming into the library for the second time that morning. She found her watcher sitting in his office and smiled. "I just heard something interesting from Willow. Do you still have Angel's new number?"
Giles looked up in surprise. "From Willow? How did she know about that?"
"I couldn't tell ya, but I want that number. Now."
Giles, knowing better than to argue with Buffy when she was in this particular mood, obediently recited the number and saw her walk towards the phone sitting on the edge of the counter and dial.
"Hello?" Angel's voice rang through the other end.
"Angel, hey, how've you been, so nice of you to tell me you were leaving," Buffy said sarcastically into the phone line.
"B - Buffy? How did you get this number?"
"Giles gave it to me . . . under duress, so don't get mad at him. Though I'm mighty pissed off at you. What the hell were you thinking? God, Angel, you're human now, hello, there's nothing keeping us apart, so don't give me this attitude problem."
"Buffy . . . "
"And quit saying my name!" she interrupted. "It's not a great conversation starter. I want explanations, hunny, and I want them now. Why did you leave and not tell me, and why the hell did you think that I was just going to leave it there?"
"I . . . "
"Tell me where you're staying. Now!"
"I can't do that," he replied. "You know it's better this way, we can't be together, we just can't."
"Why the hell not?" she asked. "Give me one good reason why we can't be together. We're both happy humans, so that eliminates the whole slayer/vampire thing, so, where's this mysterious great reason, huh?"
"I . . . I guess I don't have one," Angel admitted.
"Exactly. So you going to stop avoiding me now?"
"I just started," he protested weakly.
"Well, gee, I'm sorry to interrupt your hibernation schedule, but I just got suspended from school for the simple reason that I needed to talk to you, now unless you want me to be grounded for life you'll say okay so I can get back to my math class and just possibly get out of this suspension thing."
"All right," Angel conceded.
"You'll meet me at the Bronze. Tonight?"
"I guess so."
"No 'I guess so's', Angel. I want you to promise me that you'll meet me at the Bronze tonight. Do we have a deal? And if I have to blackmail you through this entire relationship that's exactly what I'm going to do, I'm not going to let you wallow in guilt anymore. Two and a half months should have been enough for you."
"Okay . . . I promise I'll go to the Bronze tonight."
"And you promise that you won't avoid me anymore? Remember . . . pending suspension from school, grounded for life, and if I'm grounded for life all the vampires are going to take over and the entire world will end . . . "
"I promise."
"Good!" Buffy replied cheerfully. "And you wouldn't break these promises would you?"
"No! Buffy, go to class!" Angel said, sounding exasperated.
"Well, yes, sir," Buffy said, giggling slightly. "I love you," she added, sounding wistful.
"I . . . I love you, too," he replied hesitantly, sounding as though he rather wished he didn't. Buffy could understand the feeling.
"Bye," she said softly.
"Go to class."
"I'm going!" She laughed and said good-bye once again before hanging up. Buffy stared at the phone for a long moment and closed her eyes, lost in her own thoughts. Then she snapped out of it and ran back to her math class, praying for forgiveness from her teacher for her attitude.