Chapter Twelve: Rhyme and Reason
“What did you say?”
Carly's words echoed the voice in Nikolas' head. He looked down at her, at the
undisguised shock on her face, and found himself repeating the words.
“Marry me?”
It came out tentative, as if he was uncertain he should admit to having said it.
The look on Carly's face seemed to suggest the answer to that question was a
resounding “no” as she wrenched herself out of his arms and backed away from him
like he'd just suggested ritual suicide. Nikolas stared after her, unable to
make himself move or speak again. Well… What do you say after something that
bizarre comes out of you mouth? 'Sorry, I guess I'll have to have my doctor
reduce my prescription' was the least damaging statement he could think of.
Carly shook her head slowly, her eyes fixed on him, mouth agape. Nikolas became
aware of a sound, something besides the wind and the lap of waves against the
boat. A laugh. She was laughing at him.
Carly felt possessed as the laughter bubbled out of her. She didn't feel
attached to it, she didn't actually find this funny, not in any real way, but
she couldn't stop herself, it was beyond her control.
“You're crazy,” she gasped. The truth of her words hit her hard and she felt
herself begin to laugh harder, almost desperately. “You're INSANE!”
Now it was Nikolas' turn to stare. “Maybe…” he spoke slowly, taking in her
spooky demeanor. “Maybe not.”
Carly's back hit the wall of the cabin and she reached out and pressed her hands
against it, holding it for dear life. She managed to push the laughter, the
sound of which was beginning to scare her, down into the her stomach, though her
voice still sounded tremulous, as if she could crack up again at any moment.
“Let's review, Nikolas. I picked you up at a wedding a WEEK ago and you just
asked me to marry you. On a crazy meter of one to ten, I'd say you're hitting a
solid eleven.”
Nikolas felt immediately defensive. His expression darkened, but he refused to
look away from her. “You're doing it again.”
“Doing WHAT?” Carly's voice border-lined condescension.
“When in doubt, insult me,” Nikolas' voice twisted on the ending of the
sentence. “God, you'd think you and Lucky were related or something.”
Carly nodded quickly, holding the wall tighter. “Right, Nikolas… that's a really
good point.”
Nikolas frowned at her. He knew that he should be thinking about this... really
thinking about what he'd said, but her reaction was distracting him. Instead of
looking towards himself and his conduct, he found himself focused on her, on her
rejection.
“Yeah,” he said slowly, starting to move towards her. “That's another excuse,
Carly. I can give you others, too… if you want.”
His voice was soft, almost disinterested as he made his way steadily and
deliberately towards her. Carly felt the butterflies in her stomach begin to
flutter with startling ferocity. “That one is fine,” she said quickly, looking
off to the side, to the water, the land… Land. That would be a good place to be
now. She wondered it she could swim that far.
“What?” Nikolas asked, stopping half a foot away from her. “That through a maze
of marriages… some successful, some not… we're related? How are we related?”
Carly let out a shaky breath. Back UP a part of her wanted to scream at him. Her
breathing was getting uneven and she had no where to escape to, unless it was
down the hatch into the cabin… and that would only make her feel more trapped.
She continued to stare hard at the shore as she spoke.
“You're my cousin's brother.”
“But what am I to you?” Nikolas moved closer, his breath caressing the side of
her face. Carly closed her eyes.
“I don't know,” she breathed.
“I do,” Nikolas, turned her head to look in her eyes. “I know exactly what you
are to me.”
His lips were just inches away from hers. She sucked in a deep breath, feeling
completely stuck. Her eyes flitted, desperately, around the boat, trying to find
something to focus on, something to do besides look in his eyes, face the
sensation of his breath against her skin, and the feelings it was stirring. She
finally moved her arms up to his shoulders and pushed him back from her,
stepping away from the wall herself.
Nikolas felt a surge of empowerment. He could still get to her. This was just
another retreat. Something impossibly old in him, something innate, stirred…
familiar, a desire to get his own way, not to be denied. Not by anyone.
Carly, regaining her sense of self, straightened up, still shaking her head like
she was trying to knock something loose. “You've got problems,” she spoke with
authority. “Big, big problems. I should know. I'm an expert on problems.”
Nikolas found himself smirking slightly. “All right. What's my problem?”
“This doesn't make any sense,” Carly muttered, then looked back at him. “You
want to know what makes sense? This…” she waved her finger in the minimal space
between them “makes sense.” She let her eyes travel from his eyes down to his
chest. “Makes a lot of sense…”
“You mean physical attraction?” he pressed, an irritating tinge of amusement to
his voice. “You mean sex? I thought we covered that.”
His tone gave Carly no encouragement to answer him. In fact, her gut reaction
was to smack him. She looked up at him, a taunting and angry expression twisting
her features.
“Yeah, Nikolas. Sex. And don't act like you're some sort of expert in that area,
we both know that's not true.”
It was amazing, Carly thought in some remote part of her brain, how consistently
men reacted to some sort of aspersion cast over their prowess. She saw a look of
deep injury flicker across his face, but it was quickly replaced with an
expression resolution. She barely had a chance to open her mouth to preempt it
when he lifted her off her feet, pushing her against the wall she'd just been
clinging too, and descended on her, kissing her again, roughly, passionately.
She felt the jamb of the hatchway digging into her back and let out a gasp of
pain mixed with, she had to admit, pure lust. God, she hadn't known he had it in
him.
Her hands floundered at her sides for a moment, then found their way up into his
hair, down his neck. His hands roamed freely over her, caressing her with a
boldness he'd been lacking on previous encounters, before he'd felt he had
something to prove.
He pulled back finally, breathing heavily, and look into her eyes intently.
“Since when does virginity suggest that someone hasn't experienced lust?”
Carly winced. Lust… It made her ill, thinking, even for a second, that he has
'lusted' after Robin. She also discovered it inspired a familiar pang of
jealousy. She turned back to him to respond but he caught her mouth in yet
another kiss. This time soft, probing. He pulled her away from the door and she
felt her body go limp against him, her arms winding, of their own accord around
his neck. Too easy. She lost track of what she was thinking, what she was trying
to do, all she felt was him, holding her, kissing her deeply, his hands holding,
running slowly up and down her spine, instead of groping her. He pulled back
quickly and Carly stumbled, heightening the complete loss she'd just taken on
whatever point she'd been struggling to make.
“So what was that?” he asked, searching her eyes. “Is that lust or is that
something else?”
“I…” she struggled a moment, knowing there had to be an answer to this, some
sort of answer that was not saccharine, wasn't going to make her look like she
could be swayed by one kiss. “You can't just… label…” her voice was unsteady,
she realized she must look dazed.
“That's my argument,” Nikolas' hand gently caressed her cheek. Carly couldn't
even remember what the hell the conversation had been in the first place. She
let her eyes close. “You can't push me away anymore, Carly,” he whispered,
bending close to her ear. “It won't work.”
Carly's eyes flew open. “What?”
Nikolas pulled back to look at her. “I know what you're doing, I know what
you're TRYING to avoid… I know you feel like I do, you're just scared to admit
it.”
Carly faltered a moment, then gave a short laugh, pulling his hand away from her
face. “How can you know how I'm feeling… you read minds?”
“You said you loved me.”
Good point. And it hit Carly with the force of a cannon ball aimed directly at
her gut. She staggered back from him, a look of terror flashing across her face.
“I just SAID that!” she protested, scrambling up onto the bench, trying to
retreat to the deck. “It was a moment, you were… You were…”
Nikolas did not seem thrown by her actions. In fact, he'd adopted a calm
exterior that was proving to be incredibly unnerving.
“I was what?”
“STOP THAT!” the words tore out of her, desperate and angry. “Stop talking to me
like you're some kind of guru who has all the answers! You're a KID Nikolas. And
let me tell you… when someone pours their heart out to you, and starts to kiss
you and you're…” she shivered violently. “You're alone and you think…” she
stopped, aware that she was babbling, and took a deep breath, forcing herself to
meet his eyes. “It can happen, Nikolas. You open your mouth and something pours
out that you never suspected and didn't even think you were feeling… It doesn't
MEAN anything, all right? It's just… Something that happens.”
Nikolas stared at her. Just something that happens. So how many times had he
poured out his heart to Robin Scorpio? How many times had he sealed a confession
with a kiss? And never once had she uttered those words to him. He'd wanted to
hear them, he'd tried to find them in her eyes, in her touch, anywhere. He'd
never come close.
And Carly had said them. For some reason that fact that she hadn't consciously
thought them before they slipped out made them feel more powerful. Nikolas
stepped up onto the bench standing in front of her, and grabbed her hands in
his.
“Don't you see?” he asked, his voice hushed, ardent. “Even if you only felt it
for a moment, even if it was just that moment in time… you must have felt it.
You felt it enough to say it. I can make you feel it again.”
Carly felt her knees buckle. She was beginning to believe that he could make her
feel anything he damn well pleased to. That scared the life out of her.
“This is messy,” she muttered, almost to herself. “It's too complicated.”
“I know,” Nikolas insisted. “That's… That's why we have to make up our minds
now. We're either together or we're not… our family's aren't going to accept
anything else.”
Carly chuckled, low in her throat, and pulled her hands away from him. “Your
family will hate me,” she stated.
“They won't,” Nikolas said firmly. “I won't let them.”
“My family will hate you.”
Nikolas nodded in concession. “Ok. Luke will hate me. You've got that right. But
your mother, your brother…”
“Have all ready been related to you!” Carly nearly laughed at the absurdity of
it. “Hell, they know you better than I do.”
Nikolas shook his head. “More, but not better.”
Carly stared at him, amazed. He was not going to be put off. It just wasn't
going to happen… and she couldn't imagine why. She swallowed hard, delivering
the trump card. “I have a son!”
“I don't care!”
“Excuse me?” Carly choked.
Nikolas forced himself to take a deep breath. He'd never felt like this in his
life. Everything was racing in his head, thought after thought, piling up on
each other. What was so strange about it was that none of it felt jumbled. It
made sense to him, it was becoming so clear. He just had to make it that clear
to her. “I don't mean I don't care,” he corrected himself. “I mean, it doesn't
bother me.”
Carly crossed her arms, stepping back from him. “Well, that's real big of you,
Nikolas.” she spat. Nikolas winced. Clear in his head, jumbled in his mouth…
This was all coming out wrong. He took a step forward and grabbed her shoulders,
looking straight into her eyes.
“The first time…” his voice was gruff, on the edge of emotion. He took a deep
breath and tried again. “That first night we were together, the first glimpse I
got of who you are… Of your soul, that was when you talked about your son, about
Michael. Do you think I forgot about that?”
Carly just stared at him. She had no words. She felt, suddenly, like she didn't
have a whole lot of anything. Nikolas moved towards her and took her face in his
hands, tipping her chin up so that she was looking deep into his brown eyes.
“Listen to me,” he whispered to her. “Just listen to what I'm saying.”
His eyes searched hers a long moment, Carly offering no explanation, no
reassurances or concessions. It didn't matter, he told himself. She wasn't
looking away, she was focused on him. He had to believe she would hear him. He
took a deep breath. “When I think about you, Carly… And I think about you a LOT…
That is the moment that keeps coming back to me. That, and what you told me
about Carly and your mother… All of that.” Carly flinched. Her hands flew up,
grabbing his wrists, but she didn't pull away. She just averted her eyes,
looking out to the water again. He lowered his head, closer to hers, and closed
his eyes, just wanting to get the words out. “I think about how you make me
feel, I think about what it tastes like when I kiss you, I think about how you
touch me… But I also think about the look on your face when you let me hold you,
or when you're shaking, when you can't stop the tears from coming… I think about
you telling me no one ever asked you questions that seem like… Like they are so
much a part of you that I can't understand why no one ever tried to find out
about them.” He opened his eyes, and looked down at her. There were tears
steaming down her face, her eyes now shut. He leaned closer, pressing his
forehead against her. “I know what it's like for someone to hear a story and
decide that it's all they ever need to know about you. I know how it feels to
bear the weight of other people's judgments,” he pulled back, and tenderly wiped
the trail of tears with his thumb. A familiar gesture. Carly felt her heart leap
at it, as if it wasn't all ready beating harder than she could remember it ever
having before. She raised her eyes to his, an act of compulsion more than a
conscious decision. Nikolas stared back down at her, still steady, still
unwavering. “I understand! Don't you see that?”
Carly gulped in several breaths of air, shaking her head. Her mouth tried to
form words several times, but failed miserably. No. No, don't fall for it,
Caroline, she told herself. She looked around desperately. There was no place to
go! No space, no room. This boat, that had seemed so large in port, was
shrinking by the minute. She pulled herself free of his grasp and turned,
stepping up on the deck and starting, on shaky legs, to the bow.
Nikolas watched her bolt, almost in shock. He'd seen it, just for a moment, a
look in her eyes like she had desperately wanted to submit to him, to just sink
into the pool of emotions he was now wading in without fear. But she'd walked
away.
He stepped up onto the deck, just as she reached the bow of the boat, and
watched her a moment, watched the way she stood there, her hands gripping the
railing, her face lifted to the wind. She looked alone. She looked like nothing
would ever be able to touch her. He stared at her, memorizing the dress, the way
his jacket, far too large for her, hung on her frame. It made her look smaller
than she usually appeared. Fragile. He knew that she had that in her. That
vulnerability, that pain… She needed someone. She needed to be loved, to be
taken care of. She needed someone to care if she had a bad day, or to know what
to do to make her smile.
And he'd made her smile. The look on her face when she'd seen the boat, when
they'd been talking about horses, about the things she'd done in Florida before
she came here. There was a whole life, a whole person there that he knew hardly
anything about.
He'd been acting like his mind was made up. He knew that, it was like he was
acting without his permission. But everything was beginning to feel so clear.
Crystal after coming through fog. Now he had a moment to catch his breath, the
stop and ask himself “Just what on earth do you think you're doing?”
There were things he wasn't considering, he knew that. But every single obstacle
his mind offered him was so easily dismissed. It didn't matter. All that
mattered was that, after three years of being disposable, of not mattering to
anyone the way he'd WANTED to, he'd found someone who seemed to understand it.
It made too much sense to him. Too much to be ignored.
He walked up the deck almost on autopilot, not really certain of what he was
going to say to her… Just knowing she was in pain and believing that he had the
power to comfort her. That somehow he could help heal her… Because he could
already feel that she was healing him.
She could hear him approach behind her. Carly gripped the railing harder. She
didn't want to fall for this, she told herself. Whatever it was, whatever kind
of sick joke this was, she didn't want to get caught in this trap. It was too
soon, it was too painful. But she felt him come to stand behind her, wrap his
arms around her waist and her body sighed, sinking back into him, her eyes
falling shut. And he held her. Steady. A rock. A warm and comforting shelter.
How long had she wanted this? Why, when it finally appeared, was it so hard to
believe in?
Nikolas pressed his face into her hair and breathed in deeply. He let his eyes
close and gave himself permission to say whatever it was he wanted to.
“I think…” he spoke softly, against her ear. “I think we found each other that
night for a reason. I think that we have something… And I don't have words for
it yet. But I will. I just don't want anything to get in the way of finding
them.”
Carly found herself nodding, her lips pressed together. He turned her around to
face him, and Carly opened her eyes, allowing herself to get pulled into him
again.
“I don't know why I said that…” his voice was almost feverish, just like it had
been when he'd first started down this path. “I've never said anything like that
before… The only time I ever made a decision that fast, it was the decision to
come here. And I've never doubted that was what I was supposed to do.” He took a
deep breath. “I don't doubt this either. This is the answer. Just say you want
this. Say you'll do what you have to in order to get it. Say you'll marry me.”
~*~*~
Bobbie shrugged off her sweater as she came in the front door. She was, very
nearly, dead on her feet. If she had known when she was a student nurse that she
would still be coming home to an empty house at eleven o'clock at night with
sore feet and an ache in her lower back all these years later, she would have
seriously considered a career change.
Well. To be fair, the house was not entirely empty. The woefully familiar sounds
of digitally created “Oofs” and “Thwacks” emanating from the den let her know
that Lucas was not yet in bed. He was obviously deeply engrossed in one of the
computer games she knew he saved for when she was out of the house… one of those
ones where you could insert secret codes into so that the characters could
perform maneuvers that, if any human could actually achieve, would make her job
obsolete. As far as she knew there was no proper medical procedure to treat
having one's spine removed through one's mouth.
“LUCAS!” she called in her most disapproving voice. “That had better not be what
it sounds like.”
“Dear God!” a familiar voice cried out in a mixture of horror and shock. “Is
that ALLOWED?”
Bobbie started, staring across the living room to the open door leading into the
den. She could see the flicker of the television casting its pale blue light on
the opposite wall. The living room was dark, but she noticed a tray on the
coffee table, with a teapot, two mugs and a cream and sugar set upon it.
Apparently she had company. She dropped her purse on a chair and crossed the
room to investigate.
“Now he does this kinda dance,” Lucas was explaining with practiced disinterest
as his mother appeared in the doorway.
“DANCE?” Felicia asked with equal incredulity. “He just decapitated that man!”
Lucas shrugged. “Yeah, but he won.”
Bobbie crosses her arms and narrowed her eyes at her son. “Lucas Jones, what are
you doing?”
Lucas gave a long-suffering sigh. “I'm turning it off, don't sweat it, Mom.”
Felicia, making no move to explain her presence, was still staring at the
television, her mouth open. Bobbie focused her attention on her son.
“I thought I said I wanted that thing out my house.”
Lucas rolled his eyes dramatically, a mannerism Bobbie was certain was a product
of his bonding with his older sister. “It's a game,” he spoke as if to a small
child. “It's not real.”
“I don't care!” Bobbie couldn't believe she was letting herself get dragged into
this conversation again. “It's violent and gory and it's going to give you
nightmares.”
That got his attention. Her twelve-year-old son turned to look at her,
displaying a moment's embarrassment before turning back to flip off the TV and
eject the cartridge from the machine. “Gimmie a break,” he muttered.
Felicia shook her head as the image of the TV was extinguished, and turned,
finally, giving Bobbie an unsteady smile. “Lucas was just showing me…” she
exhaled quickly, clearly a little shaken. “Well, he was just entertaining me
while I was waiting for you,” she shuddered, glancing at Lucas. “I think *I'm*
the one who's going to have nightmares.
Lucas gave Felicia a grateful smile and tucked the cartridge under his arm,
turning back to his mother. “How was work?” he asked, his eyes widening
slightly. Bobbie smirked at him knowingly.
“Work was long and tiring…” Bobbie's eyes met Felicia's and smiled weakly. She
was exhausted, she hurt, and she wanted to go to bed. Felicia, after years of
sharing a house with her, knew very well what kind of state she was usually in
after a late night shift at the hospital. It wasn't an ideal time to visit.
“I was feeling nostalgic,” Felicia spoke up, as if reading Bobbie's mind. “I
made tea and talked to Lucas… It's just like old times.”
Bobbie's smile faltered. Her friendship with Felicia, while still intact, had
been strained under the weight of the whole Jason/Carly/Robin saga. It made
Bobbie immediately nervous. She turned to Lucas. “Aren't you supposed to be in
bed?”
Lucas, aware that his mother was just going to keep babying him until he removed
himself form the situation, sneered slightly at the implication, then brushed
past her, exiting the room.
“It's Friday, Mom,” he muttered sullenly. “I'm going to my room.”
Translation: Yes, but I'm not going to admit that in front of Felicia.
Bobbie watched after Lucas as he disappeared up the stairs. She shook her head
and started into the living room, Felicia behind her.
“You know…” she sighed, flipping on the lamp by the couch, “I used to be so
smug. I'd look at Lucky and think 'Thank God Lucas has a nice stable family and
knows his place… he's NEVER going to be that obnoxious.”' She cast her eyes
heavenward. “Now I know. No matter WHAT you do, no matter how cute they are…
They all turn into teenagers.”
“Tell me about it,” Felicia laughed, moving to the coffee table and, knelt down
by it as Bobbie lowered herself onto the sofa. “I made chamomile,” she chirped,
trying to keep her voice as light and friendly as possible. “I know you don't
like to drink caffeine this late at night. And personally, I've lost all desire
for the stuff… After the wedding all I wanted to do was sleep for a month. And
then Maxie starts going on about when SHE gets married…” Felicia made a face.
“God help me.”
Bobbie smiled sadly and sank into the lush cushions, allowing her eyes to close.
“At least you have girls,” she offered.
Felicia furrowed her brow. “Oh, girls can be as much of a handful as boys can
be.”
Bobbie chuckled to herself. “You're speaking from personal experience?”
“No,” Felicia admitted, pulling the tea cozy off the pot. “But…” She cringed to
herself. Smooth segways were not her strong suit. “How's Carly?”
Bobbie opened her eyes and looked over at her friend who was now busying
herself, pouring the tea. She noticed as the pottery lid clanked, that she was
shaking ever so slightly. Bobbie knew this mood, this sort of nervous perkiness
that Felicia exuded whenever she was gearing up to deliver bad news. Her heart
leaped into her throat.
“Carly?” She sat up quickly. “What do you mean? Did you hear something?”
Felicia looked up and caught the look of pure panic on Bobbie's face. Her
stomach twisted. This had been so hard on her. She knew that better than she
wanted to. That was why she was here. Mac was going to be furious. But Bobbie
deserved to know what kind of catastrophe was about to come crashing down on
her, no matter what Robin had decided.
“Bobbie, don't worry,” she soothed, handing her friend the mug of steaming tea
like an olive branch. “I haven't heard anything.”
Bobbie sighed with relief, and took the tea, cupping the mug in her hands.
“Thank God,” she breathed.
Felicia cringed. “Not about Carly, at least.”
Bobbie's stomach contracted violently and she looked up to be faced with
Felicia's worried expression.
“Oh no,” she put the mug down. “Just tell me, Felicia. What's going on?”
Felicia spun her own mug slowly on the tray. “I've been wanting to tell you this
for weeks.”
This was going from bad to worse. Bobbie leaned forward, her heart thundering
against the rib cage.
“What is it? Does it affect Carly?”
“Indirectly,” Felicia admitted. “And… Well, Robin really did want to keep this
private. It's a very private decision, and it's such a lengthy process that…”
“Felicia!” Bobbie exploded. “Just tell me!”
“Robin and Jason are adopting a baby,” the words spilled out of Felicia's mouth
so quickly it took Bobbie a moment to digest the information.
“What?” she asked, dumbly.
“They've been talking about it for a long time,” Felicia continued, unable to
meet Bobbie's eyes. “Robin's always wanted children, and she knows that Jason…
Well. So does he. They considered their options and they decided on a private
adoption…”
Bobbie stood up, clamping a hand over her mouth, and crossed the room. She
stopped in front of the window, and bent her head, closing her eyes. Felicia
struggled back to her feet and followed Bobbie, hovering a few steps behind.
“They decided they'd wait for a good opportunity, but a relative of Graciela…
you know, Jason's housekeeper? Well, she has a niece or a second cousin or
something who is pregnant and Jason's agreed to…”
“He's buying her a baby.”
Bobbie's voice was dead, devoid of emotion. Felicia swallowed hard.
“I'm not sure what the specifics are. We've known about it for awhile, and they
wanted to be married before the baby was born, which isn't for a month, but you
know how these things go…”
“Oh, yes.” Bobbie exhaled, dropped her hand. “I know exactly how these things
work.”
“They want a family, Bobbie.”
Bobbie nodded slowly. Of course they did. And they had every right to it. She
wasn't going to argue about that. At the same time, she could not ignore the
powerful wave of anger surging inside her.
“I'm only telling you this,” Felicia continued, “Because I know this is going to
be hard on Carly, and I didn't think you should find out from a newspaper
heading, or… Well. When everyone else does.”
Bobbie didn't move. Felicia cleared her throat nervously.
“I just thought that…”
“I don't believe this,” Bobbie turned back to Felicia, her eyes flashing. “Damn
it, I don't BELIEVE this!”
Felicia took a step back. “Bobbie.”
Bobbie turned and paced the length of the room again, feeling her hands tremble.
“Does ANYONE give even a moment's consideration…” she stopped dead, then spun on
her heel to face Felicia. “My God, Jason…” She shook her head, a bitter
expression spreading across her face. “If I had a quarter for every time he has
hurt Carly… And it's never on purpose, it's never… he just doesn't THINK! He
doesn't put the pieces together. But Robin!” Bobbie spit the girl's name out.
She was tired of making excuses for her. “Robin, I don't even know what to say
to her anymore, Felicia!”
Felicia clasps her hands together, and pulled in a deep breath. “Robin is just
trying to start her life… That's ALL.”
“Oh, give me a break!” Bobbie crossed her arms in self-righteous indignation.
“Robin has everything she ever wanted and I don't begrudge her that.” Bobbie
cocked her head to one side as the words she'd been pushing down for so long
bubbled up to the surface. “But she isn't even twenty-five years old! She
doesn't have children, and she doesn't understand that some things are outside
her realm of understanding! And Carly is one of those things!”
“Bobbie,” Felicia spoke hesitantly. “Carly's never given Robin much reason to
consider her feelings.”
“What about Jason's feelings, then?” Bobbie hissed. “Robin has set herself up as
his emotional link to the world! She asks us to understand him, she asks him to
understand us. Doesn't that give her the responsibility to let him know when
he's doing something that is going to rip my daughter's heart out of her chest?”
Felicia looked taken aback. “Bobbie,” she said slowly, “you're not suggesting
that Robin and Jason shouldn't have a family to spare Carly's feelings!”
“OH, of COURSE not!” Bobbie's voice rose in volume. “But they should know that
they have to handle it a certain way! Jason…” She shakes her head. “Jason owes
Carly that much. Maybe he doesn't understand it, but Robin knows what happened…”
Bobbie's voice caught. She was nearly breathless with anger and frustration. She
put her hand, clenched in a fist, to her mouth and bit her knuckle, forcing the
stream of words to stop. After a moment she noticed Felicia take a hesitant step
towards her. She dropped her hand and looked up at Felicia, forcing a shaky
smile. “I'm sorry.”
Felicia's face displayed an expression of pure empathy. It was the one reason
that, through everything, the push and pull of the arguments of their families,
they had been able to remain friends. Felicia felt everyone's pain. It made her
hopelessly wishy washy, but Bobbie loved her for it.
“I didn't want to upset you,” Felicia apologized. Bobbie laughed bitterly and
shook her head.
“I don't mean to put this on Robin,” she spoke carefully, trying to see if there
was some way to make someone understand this. “But…”
…But it's all her fault, but she should know better, but I'm beginning to
suspect she's doing this on purpose! The words echoed in Bobbie's head, and she
pushed them down firmly.
“But it IS hard for Carly. She's in love with Jason. And when Carly makes up her
mind about something it's very hard to get her to change it. And it doesn't help
that Jason still acts like Carly is just a good friend. Like their relationship
isn't more than that to her.” Bobbie felt herself begin to shake again. “God,
sometimes he acts like it's less.” She looked up at Felicia, tears gathering in
her eyes. “And so help me, I don't understand why Robin doesn't try a little
harder to explain it to him.”
Felicia took a deep breath, aware that her relationship with Robin necessitated
a decent attempt at defending her.
“It's difficult for Robin, too,” she said carefully. “It's hard for her to know
that Jason and Carly shared… What they shared. It's hard for her to handle
Carly's love for Jason. Those things aren't easy for her. But she DOES try.”
“If she's trying so hard,” Bobbie spit, “then why didn't she and Jason let Carly
know they were going to be starting a family so soon?”
Felicia opened and closed her mouth a few times before coming up with an answer.
“Because! It's private! It's… It's been a very personal thing, they haven't told
anyone outside of close friends and… Well…” Felicia stammered a moment, then
lifted her chin, meeting Bobbie's eyes. “It IS their life. It doesn't have
anything to do with Carly.”
“If that's true, then what are you doing here?” Bobbie raised her eyebrows.
Felicia's shoulders sagged immediately and she threw herself into a chair.
“Oh, you know what I'm doing here! I know Carly's not in the best frame of mind,
I know she's still recovering from losing Michael. I know this is going to be an
emotional A-bomb for her,” Felicia's brow knit a moment, then she tossed a look
over her shoulder at Bobbie. “And, I might point out, Jason and Robin don't know
anything about that! You made ME keep that a secret.”
Bobbie felt the stirrings of guilt, diminishing her anger somewhat. She made her
way back to the couch and dropped herself onto it.
“Oh, I know,” she moaned, covering her face. “I know, I know, I know. I can't
ask two people to put their lives on hold just because…” she stopped leaning
back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. “I just don't know how much
longer I can do this. I don't know how long it is until I just… Can't help her
anymore. I keep waiting for it to end, and every time she starts to get better
something comes along and wipes her out again!” She looked over at Felicia
sadly. “I feel like I'm trying to build a sand castle at high tide.”
“How has she been since the wedding?” Felicia asked, leaning forward. Bobbie
exhaled a long breath before sitting up and picking up her mug of tea again.
“That's just it, Felicia,” she sighed, bringing the mug to her lips and
swallowing down the cooling tea. “She's been fine. She's done everything she
should be doing, she's been getting up in the morning, she's gone out… Though
she won't tell me where. She went to therapy this week without my having to drag
her there.” Bobbie lowered the mug down onto the tray again and raised her eyes
to meet Felicia's. “To tell you the truth, I wake up every morning terrified I'm
going to find out she's done something crazy.
~*~*~
“Marry you,” Carly repeated the words after him, acknowledging the actual
question waiting an answer for the first time. She closed her eyes, her lips
still pressed together and shook her head slowly. Opening them again, she put
her hands over Nikolas' and gently removed them from her shoulders. “This plan
is missing a few steps.”
Her voice contained a hint of business, Nikolas could feel her pulling back from
him yet again. He reached out and grabbed her arm, stubbornly.
“I don't care about details, I just want to do it.”
Carly laughed, casting her head back, and looked up at the stars overhead. They
were miles above her, barely even visible. The smile faded from her face as she
gazed up at the sky overhead.
“Details are where everything falls apart,” she murmured.
Nikolas dropped his hand, exhaling. “Where I come from we have people who HANDLE
the details, they aren't usually my concern.”
Carly cocked her head to one side, holding tight to the absurdity of the moment.
It couldn't be real. It couldn't be, and she wasn't going to act like it was.
“These people… how would they react to this?”
“Not well,” Nikolas admitted, running his fingers through his hair, “But how
hard is it to get a Justice of the Peace?”
Carly nearly choked. Perfect! She covered her face with her hands, her shoulders
shaking with laughter. Nikolas looked back at her in confusion.
“Something wrong?”
“Sorry,” Carly nearly squeaked, trying to regain her composure. She wiped tears
from her eyes, bitterly recalling the horror of her last marriage attempt. It
was almost comical, looking back on it now. AJ had a habit of appearing around
the worst possible corners. “I just… I have really bad luck with Justices of the
Peace.”
Nikolas frowned slightly. “There's an ominous statement.”
Carly snapped her fingers suddenly, as if Nikolas had just said something of
great importance. “EXACTLY!” She lifted her head to look at him, her eyes
shinning, as if she'd finally found a way to say what she'd been fumbling with
all evening. “You don't know me.”
He could see it coming a mile away, the life raft she was trying to grab this
time. He stepped towards her, reaching out and holding both of her arms firmly.
“I know the headlines,” Nikolas he told her, sliding his hands down her arms,
his voice like molasses. Carly shrugged his hands off of her as if she was being
burned, feeling the beginnings of a crippling fear stir in her.
“You still don't know everything,” she insisted, glaring at him.
“We'll have time for that,” Nikolas brushed her concerns aside, he had no
interest in this. It didn't matter. What mattered was getting her to say yes.
“You said details, we'll work on details…”
“These are pretty big details!” Carly protested. “Nikolas!”
Nikolas closes his eyes, shaking his head, blocking her out. “I know, I know. I
know the stories! I know you've lied, I know you manipulated people, I know all
of it!”
“From ROBIN, right?” Carly's voice turned to acid on the name, a name she and
Nikolas had somehow avoiding saying out loud since the Golf Course.
Nikolas' expression hardened, momentarily. “You haven't exactly kept a low
profile,” he responded evenly.
Carly felt the urge to push him again. To just get him to stop being so even, so
on keel… God, how could anyone STAND this?
“What did she tell you?” she pushed on. “What did she say about me?”
“Carly…” Nikolas' voice took on an edge.
“Did she tell you that I was evil? That I had no feelings? She thinks that about
me, you know. She thinks I have no heart, that's why she doesn't care if she
stomps on it.”
“I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER!” the words ripped out of Nikolas, his cool
veneer falling with a crash. Carly stared at him. He looked shaken. He looked
like Carly had hit a weak point. She smirked at her.
“Still hurts, huh?”
Nikolas turned away, walking the width of the boat quickly, his heart thundering
in his ears. He turned back to her.
“Why do you do this?” his voice was almost pleading. “Why do you try to push me
away when you know I want to be with you?” he felt his throat close up. Because.
It's not enough. It wasn't enough for Robin, and it's not going to be enough for
Carly.
The wind picked up, blowing up from the stern, invading the warmth of Nikolas'
jacket hanging loose on Carly's shoulders. She shivered.
“You don't know the important part,” Carly's voice was unsteady, pained. “You
don't know the parts Robin didn't know.”
Nikolas turned back to her. She had her shoulders hunched, every muscle in her
body seemed tense, rigid. She looked scared. He crossed back to her.
“All right,” Nikolas said quietly, taking her hand. “Tell me the important
part.”
Carly felt herself begin to shake. It started in her legs and quickly moved
through her like a virus. She tired to speak but the words wouldn't come out.
She looked up at him, aware that she looked as lost and terrified as a small
child. She could feel herself crumbling, right in front of him.
Nikolas pulled her into his arms the moment her eyes met his, a wave of regret
hitting him. “It's ok,” he said quickly. “It's ok, I don't care…”
Carly buried her face in his shoulder. “How can you not care?”
“I just don't!” Nikolas said fiercely. “I don't care what you did.”
Carly's stomach knotted. Why couldn't she just say it out loud? Why couldn't she
just tell him, point blank, that she wasn't normal? She wasn't functional. She'd
fallen apart a long time ago, and no one had been able to put her back together
again.
Nikolas began to rock her gently, and Carly felt her trembling increase at the
gesture. He was trying to comfort her. HE was trying so hard… she felt something
in her chest constrict, then crack, spill through her. Her limbs when weak, her
head felt like it weighted a ton, and she could barely breath as it hit her. She
couldn't tell him, because then he would leave. And she didn't want him to
leave.
“We can go some place,” he was whispering to her. “We could go to Nevada…”
Carly straightened up suddenly, shocked that she had the capacity. “What?” she
stared at him blankly.
He tenderly brushed her hair behind her ears. “We could.”
Carly felt a burning sensation start at the base of her neck, spreading across
her shoulders and up into her face as she tried to make her mouth work. “When?”
“Tonight?”
He laughed, with a nervous tinge, as he said it. She could see his eyes were
moist. For her, she realized.
“Tonight,” she repeated, numb.
Nikolas nodded, still brushing her hair back, concentrating on it so that he
didn't have to look directly into her eyes. “You can tell me your life story on
the plane,” he spoke softly. “But it won't matter.”
“How can you know that?” Carly's voice quaked.
“I was someone else before last Saturday,” Nikolas' frowned a little as he
spoke, still not making eye contact. “I wanted and I believed in different
things. I can't believe in them anymore. So I'm going to believe in the only
thing in my life that doesn't feel completely wrong.”
Carly felt the ground drop from beneath her. “And that's ME?”
“That's us.” Nikolas finally met her gaze, his manner fierce, earnest. “I know…
We have something. We can have something, I can feel it. Tell me you can't.”
Carly shook her head dizzily. “I don't know what I'm feeling.”
“You don't have to,” Nikolas stared deep into her eyes, unflinching. Carly began
to feel like he was seeing right into the center of her. It made her incredibly
light headed. “But if we go back to Port Charles and say we don't know what
we're feeling… Do you know what will happen?”
Carly closed her eyes. She could imagine. She could imagine the look on her
mother's face when she announced she was 'dating' Nikolas Cassadine. She could
imagine Uncle Luke going ape at the very suggestions… She could imagine the
disapproving look on Gail's face as she scribbled her condemnations down on her
pad of paper, her notes for the court…
“Michael,” Carly's voice sounded high pitched, just this side of terrified, as
it escaped her lips. Nikolas quickly pulled her back against his chest.
“I know,” he whispered, holding her close to him. “I know you want your son
back, I can feel how much you need him…”
Carly felt herself go cold. “That's the important part,” she whispered,
realizing that was as close to an explanation as she was going to get. Nikolas
nodded, still not letting her go.
“Carly… That's what I mean. That's what I mean about it making sense. I can help
you get him back, don't you see that.”
Carly's eyes flew open. She stepped back from him, in absolute shock. “Oh, God.”
He looked at her intently, as if he was prepared for it… as if he had given this
wrinkle a great deal of thought in what must have been only a few moments.
“I'm a Cassadine, Carly,” he said it as if it was the most simple explanation in
the world. “I can do things. I can do things the Quartermaines can't even do.”
She stared at him. He must know! He must know what they did, about the
psychologist, about the misdiagnosis, about everything they had brought in from
Ferncliff. She shook her head in astonishment.
“Why?” her voice sounded like it was floating in on the wind, from miles away.
Nikolas looked at her sadly.
“Do you think I don't understand what it is to take a mother away from her son?”
He let the statement hang in the air a moment. “I understand that, Carly. I do.
I know how it hurts,” his voice cracked and he cleared it, hard, trying to push
the emotion away. “I know how it twists everything… It shouldn't happen to
anyone. Ever.”
Carly threw herself against him. “Oh GOD!” she nearly screamed the word out
against his shoulder. “You don't know, you don't… You don't know how much I need
him.” she felt herself break completely, the emotion being torn out of her,
spilling over onto him as hot, violent tears sprang from her eyes. She felt his
arms close around her, warm and protecting, she felt him accept it, let her
spill this over him. “I can't…” she held him tighter, digging her nails into his
arm. “I don't even know how to get over it,” she shook her head, back and forth
against his chest, grind her head against him, not caring that she sounded like
a basket-case. It didn't matter. She couldn't stop now, even if she wanted to.
“I don't know how to let go and accept that I'm not going to see him every day…
Nikolas…” She forced herself to pull back, looking up at him. “I haven't… I
can't do anything!”
It was the first time she'd said it out loud. And to a near stranger. He nodded,
empathetic.
“I know.”
Carly shook her head violently, needing him to truly understand. “NO! I don't
mean… I mean, I wake up and I can't come up with a reason to get out of bed. I
can't even make myself try to come up with one, because I know when I get up,
when I go out and try to live my life and there is nothing THERE! There's
nothing but this big gaping hole inside of me. I can't do anything be curl up
and feel hopeless, and alone and…” she stopped, running out of breath, not
feeling like these words could possibly be coming out of her. “Do you know what
that's like?”
Nikolas stared at her a long moment before answering, his voice rough and
uneven. “To have no hope? Or to miss something that's a part of you?”
“They think I'm crazy,” Carly breathed. “Do you know that? They say I'm
clinically depressed, they want to put me on drugs, no one knows that. They
think… They think if I take a pill every morning I won't miss Michael. But I
know that's not true!”
Nikolas nodded, as the picture became clear to him. God… What had they done to
her?
“I don't want this to be ok, do you understand that?” she choked hard on the
emotion swelling in her chest. “I can't let it be ok that they took my baby
away.”
Nikolas felt the tears on his cheeks before he even realized they were building.
If he had any doubt about her, any doubt about all of this, it was vanishing.
She looked like someone had taken her heart away from her, taken out everything
and left nothing but pain. He wondered if it had ever been like that for Laura…
Or if she had found a way that Carly couldn't. A way to make it “ok”.
Carly saw the tears streaming down Nikolas' face and found herself standing up
on her toes, kissing his cheeks lightly, brushing the tears away with her hand.
Her hands were still shaking, she was still weeping, gasping for air. Nikolas
closed his eyes a moment, then seized her face in his hands and lowered his
mouth to hers, pulling her into an powerful kiss.
“It's all right. It's all right, Carly.” he murmured, as he pulled away and
began to lay soft, loving kisses along her forehead, down her cheek, stroking
her hair soothingly. She clung to him. She was holding onto him like he was the
only thing keeping her on her feet. She needs me, Nikolas realized, as he felt
her cries slow. She honestly needs me.
“I can help you, Carly. I can give you whatever you need, if you just let me.”
Carly nodded, shuddering in the last fits of tears, trying to pulled air into
her exhausted lungs. She lifted her face to his and kissed him gently. Her lips
moved against his as if she was trying to find the most perfect way they fit
together.
“This can work, Carly,” Nikolas voice was thick, his lips still against hers. “I
know I can matter to you.”
Carly shook her head, still kissing him, her hands closing around the collar of
her shirt, pulling him closer. “You matter,” she whispered to him intensely.
“God, you matter.”
Nikolas laughs softly. “Then we're doing it? We're going to do this?”
Carly pulled away, resting her forehead against his shoulder. She felt so
confused. Every part of her was vibrating, buzzing. She rolled her head against
him. “I… What about Michael? I mean… What if I *did* get him back…”
Nikolas took her face in his hands again, lifting her to look at him. He fixed
his stare on her eyes, the same way he had before, looking right into her.
“You WILL. You will, and you'll be able to give him everything,” he took a
breath, “*We'll* be able to.”
Carly laughed, almost a giggle, completely uncertain. “You haven't even met
him.”
Nikolas smiled. “Yes I have. When he was baby.” He stroked her cheek with his
knuckle. “He's a little boy, Carly. He's a part of you… Do you think I'll hate
him?”
The idea of anyone HATING Michael was unfathomable to Carly, but she knew the
world was full of possibilities. She looked back at him in amazement. “You're
twenty-one…”
“Carly,” Nikolas cut her off, more than ready for this argument. “I felt like I
was already a thousand on the day I was born. People talk about life flying by…
mine drags. I am ready for this. It's all I want. I spent three years just
treading water, waiting for something… Waiting for THIS… Aren't you tired of
living your life on pause?”
Carly's eyes welled up. She nodded, biting her lip. “Tonight…” she mumbled. She
opened her eyes and looked up at him. “You ARE crazy, you know that right?”
“Maybe,” Nikolas admitted. “Because this makes perfect sense to me. It's stupid,
it's insane, and I'm never going to explain it to anyone, but I want to do it. I
want to marry you. Tonight.”
Carly stared at him, at the undeniable faith and sincerity on his face. She
closed her eyes, tears welling beneath them.
“You really want to be with me that much?” she asked, her voice quivering.
Nikolas nodded.
“More than anything.” He meant that, he thought, with some awe. He couldn't
imagine letting go of her, for anything. “Do you have an answer?”
Carly let her eyes close, a voice, really just a whisper, in the back of her
head saying “Mistaaaaake…”
She nodded anyway.
“Just… Get me to Vegas before I change my mind.”
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